Clarification On My Fics and Journal (a somewhat rant of epic proportions)
Okay, so, between some anonymous comments which I probably shouldn't have deleted but did anyway, and some messages I've gotten both on here and at FFN (no, I won't reveal identities of who or what), all over of the course of the last several months to about a half-year, I've been wanting to clear up a lot of stuff about my fics, my journal, and my personal life. I just realized it might help for me to do it all in one place.
Firstly, Your Kink Is Not My Kink, so stop asking me to write it.
I've got no issue if you send me a comment or message the first time asking for a kink - after all, I haven't explicitly stated anywhere that I honestly just don't like crossdressing, so you aren't to know. If I've told you I don't like a kink, and you still ask me to write it, I'll get testy, but hey, people have different standards.
Let me make this clear: I do not write kinks that aren't my kinks. If something doesn't appeal to me, then how am I supposed to write it in a way that will appeal to others? Writing out a kink I don't like will end badly for everyone - me, because I don't enjoy the writing process, and you, because I can guarantee you that if my heart isn't in it, it'll come out as total crap.
If, even after I have explained this, you still ask me to write a specific kink, then damn right, I'm going to get bitchy, and I'll defriend you and/or block you if necessary. There are plenty of other writers in fandom, kink memes, story request comms and other such ways to find the kind of fic you're looking for. (Tangent - this is the Merlin fandom, it's not exactly short on crossdressing fics!).
Second, my personal preferences are not judgment calls on your personal preferences.
I don't like crossdressing or mpreg - that doesn't mean I think they're bad or wrong - they are just not my thing. Hell, I've read and enjoyed excellent fics that happened to have crossdressing and/or mpreg in them. But in general, I am not fond of them, and so I avoid them if they are the central plot-point of the story. I am not saying you should stop reading it, or that I think something is wrong with you for enjoying it...so please stop accusing me of such. Seriously, I have no beef with any particular kink or trope or anything like that - I just don't like it.
I do not think less of fanmixes just because I don't like them. Really, I am just picky with my music, so me and fanmixes aren't compatible. I don't like fanmixes, but I don't think they are some lesser form of fanwork - they are just not my thing.
Thirdly, some of my fics I wrote with one meaning intended, and people interpreted it as another meaning. My fic Sigil was written with the intent that, slight possessive issues aside, Merlin and Arthur are in an emotionally healthy relationship, which happens to have BDSM elements to it, and a lot of you took it as abuse. Believe it or not, that's fine. Ivory and Gold was not like this - it was intended to be a heavily-dub-con, borderline non-con, fic, with an emphasis on very unhealthy coercive tactics and unhealthy emotional dependence in the context of the relationship. Some of you thought it was just BDSM. Admittedly worrying for how this might reflect on your opinion of RL relationships, but again, fine - you read the fic and enjoy it however you want. If you interpret something differently than I did, well, it's what makes the human race interesting. When it comes down to your personal reading and enjoyment, it's all up to you.
However - if you ask me what I meant when I wrote a fic, then I don't care what you thought it was about, I'm telling you what I thought it was about because that's what you asked me. If you want to debate about the theme of a story, that's fine - I would love to. But if so, then don't just ask me what it's about and leave it at that...and more importantly, when I tell you what I meant when I wrote a fic, don't tell me that I was wrong and that obviously my intent was something else. You are not in my head, and you have no right to assume as such. Maybe I wrote a fic badly, maybe I sucked at conveying a meaning and nobody got the intended message. But however my fic came across, I still had my own intentions when I wrote it, and just because you and/or everyone else interprets it differently doesn't change it.
Fourthly, just because I write something a specific way in my fics doesn't mean it's my whole opinion of something. Yes, Courting The Court Sorcerer Is A Dangerous Task addresses possession and jealousy in relationships - that's my personal taste for the fic. Does not mean I want all RL relationships people have to have no possessive issues or jealousy involved ever.
Second Start To The Right, Straight On 'Til Morning deals with euthanasia. Please, for the love of god, do not send me half a dozen links on why euthanasia is BAD and should NEVER be allowed EVER and then tell me that I am EVIL for portraying it in a good light. Just because I wrote a fic about euthanasia does not mean I necessarily endorse it, nor would writing a fic wherein I paint it in a negative light say that I condemn it.
And don't bother trying to guess my politics from my fics. Guessing Democrat, Republican, or Independent, or guessing left, right, or center wing - it will get you nowhere. Especially when I write in a fandom that centers around a political system whose existence I don't even like or agree with, let alone have sides in it.
Now that we have dealt with the directly-related-to-fic issues...
Yes, I have written for the Harry Potter fandom and left it, the Psych fandom and left it, and the Star Trek fandom and left it. I was once extensively part of a private archive for Psych, and now don't have anything to do with the fandom at large.
You're right, I had problems in that Psych archive, which made up the majority of my interaction with the fandom. And yes, a lot of that was my own fault. It was a few years ago, I was a little younger, a lot stupider, and still relatively new to fandom. It was in my best interest to simply leave quietly. Why did I leave the whole fandom? It brought up bitter memories, I lost my level of interest in the show, and simply put, I wasn't enjoying myself anymore. I wasn't reading fic, and my lack of love was showing through in the fic I was writing.
If this were about you being pissed off about all the stories I abandoned, I would get it. But don't try and stake any personal traits on me because I stopped doing something I didn't enjoy and didn't have to do. I am flattered that you think my leaving was a loss for the fandom, but I'm still not going back until I gain interest in the fandom again. Considering how little time I have for more fandom and/or TV shows, that's unlikely to be anytime soon.
And - I'll do it again. If a fandom becomes unenjoyable, or even unbearable, for me to deal with, I won't deal with it. It's not a job, it's not an obligation - not for me. If I have to leave a fandom for my own sake, I will. If have to leave fandom in general, I will. I have, in fact - and I came back. I love fandom, I love (most of) the people I meet, and most of all, I love fic, reading it and writing it. But I do this for enjoyment, and if it's no longer enjoyable, I won't do it. I have plenty of other things I can be doing with little to no hardship, outside of sacrificing fandom.
If this means I'm a coward, fine - call me one, make me one. I really don't care. I am in fandom for enjoyment, and I will leave it if there is none. If you really think I was a huge loss for a fandom, then you'll be happy to know that I love fandom a lot, so it would take a lot of hell on my end to make me leave it permanently, or longer than a few months at a time, even.
And lastly, my personal life.
A lot of people use their journals for both fic and personal posts. A lot of people have two separate journals. Hey, whatever, their journal. And my journal is my journal. I keep it to mostly just fic and other fandom and writing related things. My personal life does not go here.
I am a private person. Even in real life. I am not trying to hide anything - there's damn little about my personal life you ask me that will make me seek to hide it. But I do not like advertising it, and I don't like having everyone in on my business all the time.
I don't have a problem with you talking about your days and nights and daily lives and your problems. If you're a close friend, I'll be happy to hear about it all. But if you don't want to share, that's fine - I respect privacy, and that's in large part because I would like mine respected. If you like to post pictures of yourself and random facts of yourself because you were tagged in a meme, that's fine. But I don't - I don't like pictures being taken of me, let alone put on my journal and/or circulated, and I don't like sharing the details of my personal life without a reason (i.e. a discussion of some sort in which they are relevant).
Don't get pissy with me just because I ignored your "meme tag" and opted not to post pictures of my pajamas or write down the contents of my lunch or something equally inane. Just because I mention in an A/N that I'm having trouble with time management because I have a lot to do, doesn't mean I am obligated to tell you the details of why. If you ask, I probably will tell you, anyway - like I said, I'm not hiding anything. But I am not obligated to tell you, and assuming you have a right to my personal life will get you absolutely nothing on me.
Also, don't assume that just because I don't use my journal for personal entries that I think no one else should, either. Again, their journal is theirs and my journal is mine. If it ever becomes a problem, I'll remove that journal from my flist so they don't appear in my feed. But you won't ever see me telling someone to stop posting a type of post on their journal because it is their journal.
And my journal is my journal - you have no right to demand any form of information about my personal life or call me a cold bitch because I don't like to share.
TL;DR
*sighs* For the rest of you on my flist - you are all awesome people. I don't think I can say this enough, so I'll leave it at just once more: you're all awesome people.
Firstly, Your Kink Is Not My Kink, so stop asking me to write it.
I've got no issue if you send me a comment or message the first time asking for a kink - after all, I haven't explicitly stated anywhere that I honestly just don't like crossdressing, so you aren't to know. If I've told you I don't like a kink, and you still ask me to write it, I'll get testy, but hey, people have different standards.
Let me make this clear: I do not write kinks that aren't my kinks. If something doesn't appeal to me, then how am I supposed to write it in a way that will appeal to others? Writing out a kink I don't like will end badly for everyone - me, because I don't enjoy the writing process, and you, because I can guarantee you that if my heart isn't in it, it'll come out as total crap.
If, even after I have explained this, you still ask me to write a specific kink, then damn right, I'm going to get bitchy, and I'll defriend you and/or block you if necessary. There are plenty of other writers in fandom, kink memes, story request comms and other such ways to find the kind of fic you're looking for. (Tangent - this is the Merlin fandom, it's not exactly short on crossdressing fics!).
Second, my personal preferences are not judgment calls on your personal preferences.
I don't like crossdressing or mpreg - that doesn't mean I think they're bad or wrong - they are just not my thing. Hell, I've read and enjoyed excellent fics that happened to have crossdressing and/or mpreg in them. But in general, I am not fond of them, and so I avoid them if they are the central plot-point of the story. I am not saying you should stop reading it, or that I think something is wrong with you for enjoying it...so please stop accusing me of such. Seriously, I have no beef with any particular kink or trope or anything like that - I just don't like it.
I do not think less of fanmixes just because I don't like them. Really, I am just picky with my music, so me and fanmixes aren't compatible. I don't like fanmixes, but I don't think they are some lesser form of fanwork - they are just not my thing.
Thirdly, some of my fics I wrote with one meaning intended, and people interpreted it as another meaning. My fic Sigil was written with the intent that, slight possessive issues aside, Merlin and Arthur are in an emotionally healthy relationship, which happens to have BDSM elements to it, and a lot of you took it as abuse. Believe it or not, that's fine. Ivory and Gold was not like this - it was intended to be a heavily-dub-con, borderline non-con, fic, with an emphasis on very unhealthy coercive tactics and unhealthy emotional dependence in the context of the relationship. Some of you thought it was just BDSM. Admittedly worrying for how this might reflect on your opinion of RL relationships, but again, fine - you read the fic and enjoy it however you want. If you interpret something differently than I did, well, it's what makes the human race interesting. When it comes down to your personal reading and enjoyment, it's all up to you.
However - if you ask me what I meant when I wrote a fic, then I don't care what you thought it was about, I'm telling you what I thought it was about because that's what you asked me. If you want to debate about the theme of a story, that's fine - I would love to. But if so, then don't just ask me what it's about and leave it at that...and more importantly, when I tell you what I meant when I wrote a fic, don't tell me that I was wrong and that obviously my intent was something else. You are not in my head, and you have no right to assume as such. Maybe I wrote a fic badly, maybe I sucked at conveying a meaning and nobody got the intended message. But however my fic came across, I still had my own intentions when I wrote it, and just because you and/or everyone else interprets it differently doesn't change it.
Fourthly, just because I write something a specific way in my fics doesn't mean it's my whole opinion of something. Yes, Courting The Court Sorcerer Is A Dangerous Task addresses possession and jealousy in relationships - that's my personal taste for the fic. Does not mean I want all RL relationships people have to have no possessive issues or jealousy involved ever.
Second Start To The Right, Straight On 'Til Morning deals with euthanasia. Please, for the love of god, do not send me half a dozen links on why euthanasia is BAD and should NEVER be allowed EVER and then tell me that I am EVIL for portraying it in a good light. Just because I wrote a fic about euthanasia does not mean I necessarily endorse it, nor would writing a fic wherein I paint it in a negative light say that I condemn it.
And don't bother trying to guess my politics from my fics. Guessing Democrat, Republican, or Independent, or guessing left, right, or center wing - it will get you nowhere. Especially when I write in a fandom that centers around a political system whose existence I don't even like or agree with, let alone have sides in it.
Now that we have dealt with the directly-related-to-fic issues...
Yes, I have written for the Harry Potter fandom and left it, the Psych fandom and left it, and the Star Trek fandom and left it. I was once extensively part of a private archive for Psych, and now don't have anything to do with the fandom at large.
You're right, I had problems in that Psych archive, which made up the majority of my interaction with the fandom. And yes, a lot of that was my own fault. It was a few years ago, I was a little younger, a lot stupider, and still relatively new to fandom. It was in my best interest to simply leave quietly. Why did I leave the whole fandom? It brought up bitter memories, I lost my level of interest in the show, and simply put, I wasn't enjoying myself anymore. I wasn't reading fic, and my lack of love was showing through in the fic I was writing.
If this were about you being pissed off about all the stories I abandoned, I would get it. But don't try and stake any personal traits on me because I stopped doing something I didn't enjoy and didn't have to do. I am flattered that you think my leaving was a loss for the fandom, but I'm still not going back until I gain interest in the fandom again. Considering how little time I have for more fandom and/or TV shows, that's unlikely to be anytime soon.
And - I'll do it again. If a fandom becomes unenjoyable, or even unbearable, for me to deal with, I won't deal with it. It's not a job, it's not an obligation - not for me. If I have to leave a fandom for my own sake, I will. If have to leave fandom in general, I will. I have, in fact - and I came back. I love fandom, I love (most of) the people I meet, and most of all, I love fic, reading it and writing it. But I do this for enjoyment, and if it's no longer enjoyable, I won't do it. I have plenty of other things I can be doing with little to no hardship, outside of sacrificing fandom.
If this means I'm a coward, fine - call me one, make me one. I really don't care. I am in fandom for enjoyment, and I will leave it if there is none. If you really think I was a huge loss for a fandom, then you'll be happy to know that I love fandom a lot, so it would take a lot of hell on my end to make me leave it permanently, or longer than a few months at a time, even.
And lastly, my personal life.
A lot of people use their journals for both fic and personal posts. A lot of people have two separate journals. Hey, whatever, their journal. And my journal is my journal. I keep it to mostly just fic and other fandom and writing related things. My personal life does not go here.
I am a private person. Even in real life. I am not trying to hide anything - there's damn little about my personal life you ask me that will make me seek to hide it. But I do not like advertising it, and I don't like having everyone in on my business all the time.
I don't have a problem with you talking about your days and nights and daily lives and your problems. If you're a close friend, I'll be happy to hear about it all. But if you don't want to share, that's fine - I respect privacy, and that's in large part because I would like mine respected. If you like to post pictures of yourself and random facts of yourself because you were tagged in a meme, that's fine. But I don't - I don't like pictures being taken of me, let alone put on my journal and/or circulated, and I don't like sharing the details of my personal life without a reason (i.e. a discussion of some sort in which they are relevant).
Don't get pissy with me just because I ignored your "meme tag" and opted not to post pictures of my pajamas or write down the contents of my lunch or something equally inane. Just because I mention in an A/N that I'm having trouble with time management because I have a lot to do, doesn't mean I am obligated to tell you the details of why. If you ask, I probably will tell you, anyway - like I said, I'm not hiding anything. But I am not obligated to tell you, and assuming you have a right to my personal life will get you absolutely nothing on me.
Also, don't assume that just because I don't use my journal for personal entries that I think no one else should, either. Again, their journal is theirs and my journal is mine. If it ever becomes a problem, I'll remove that journal from my flist so they don't appear in my feed. But you won't ever see me telling someone to stop posting a type of post on their journal because it is their journal.
And my journal is my journal - you have no right to demand any form of information about my personal life or call me a cold bitch because I don't like to share.
TL;DR
- Your kink is not my kink, so stop asking me to write it.
- My personal preferences are not judgments of you, and they are not judgment calls in general.
- My fics have intended meanings, and while how the meaning came across is always up for literary debate, the intention still stands. You have no right to claim you know what my intentions are - you are not in my head.
- My fics do not necessarily reflect my political opinions or any other personal stances.
- I am in fandom to enjoy myself by both reading and writing fic, and I have no compunctions about leaving without a trace if it stops being enjoyable.
- My personal life is at my discretion to discuss. Whether or not you agree with it is none of your business, just like whether or not I have issues with your personal life, and/or how much you reveal or discuss of it, is none of my business.
*sighs* For the rest of you on my flist - you are all awesome people. I don't think I can say this enough, so I'll leave it at just once more: you're all awesome people.