[TC12] I Need You (Have We Really Not Lost Everything) - [2/2]
I Need You (Have We Really Not Lost Everything)
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Lay/Chen
Genre: AU!Drama/Minor!Angst, Romance
Summary: Jongdae's just about to reach the end, he can't see around him nor even recognize his own name. The best memories that should play, can't. Jongdae may not be able to revisit the past, but it comes back to help and bring him back.
-Part 1-
Flashback:
Jongdae walked into the apartment with a heavy demeanor, beaten by endless meetings and conference calls, demeaned by men his father’s age who still assume they could do a better job than he can. He raises his gaze and the moment he sees Yixing sitting on the couch, the worn man’s expression brightens considerably.
And when Yixing greets him with a warm smile, the latter makes himself comfortable on the couch, his head on Yixing’s lap.
“Pay attention to me.” Jongdae starts as he tugs the newspaper Yixing keeps reading.
“Why do you crave my attention so much?” Yixing’s tone is rather serious, but Jongdae knows better as a smile broke on his lips.
And when Jongdae sits up, his face behind the newspaper, he clarifies, “I don’t need it. I just like it.”
Yixing held back a laugh when he lowers the newspaper, and gently pecks Jongdae on the forehead. Jongdae narrows his eyes and tugs at his collar.
Yixing then lowers the newspaper completely, and listens to his demands.
-
Present Day:
For whatever reason, news of Jongdae’s disappearance doesn’t make headlines as it should. Jongdae just assumes his son is keeping it quiet, the man was still sick and out of action for a while now, no one would bat an eye that he still wasn’t seen.
Jongdae’s strength comes to every now and then, and with Xiumin’s most recent check-up, it appears he’ll be just fine. Patience was all he needed and was recommended he stay a while longer. That news comes with both bliss and disdain.
Jongdae was now able to handle himself a bit more on his own, there’s times when his strength leaves him. He’s now able to eat on his own now at least. He feels it’s no coincidence that after the first few days of soft congee, that the dishes he’s given are nearly all his favorites.
“Is it too hot?”
Jongdae just scoops up the last of his bowl and shakes his head. He can’t depend on his voice right now. And when he finishes eating, he stands up to leave the couch when he falls forward.
Yixing’s there to catch him, and braces his fall.
Jongdae, aside from his own son, had always been surrounded by those who’d benefit from his downfall.
“Strange how even now, you’re one of the few people in my life I trust turning my back to.” Jongdae realizes out loud.
Jongdae blames his lingering heart, he can’t help but briefly forgo the animosity he holds to Yixing, and relaxes against him.
Hadn’t it always been like this? That Jongdae, a man who was looked on for guidance and leadership amongst his peers, became just a spoiled child in Yixing’s arms.
The nostalgia threatens to pull him in, and Jongdae forces himself to pull back just before he gives in. He reached for his bowl and headed to the kitchen.
Jongdae hears fast footsteps and turns around to a now empty living room, followed by the sound of the bathroom’s faucet turned on, he takes a deep breath.
Just a little more time and he’d be okay.
Just a little longer.
-
Yixing places his hand over his own chest and takes a deep breath. Though Jongdae was becoming better, Yixing felt a little weaker each day. His heart was wavering since the beginning, and now it was just barely hanging on.
Yixing does his best to keep his distance and keeps to himself most of the time, staying just near enough in case Jongdae needed him. Right now his life was revolving around the other, it felt like he was revisiting the past, when that’s all his life had been about.
He remembered when Jongdae would nod off against his window if Yixing took too long to get ready. How the other would stubbornly refuse to leave his side when he was sick, even if it meant Yixing had to return the favor a few days later. When Jongdae would always order two different dishes but end up eating from Yixing’s own plate and ignore his food.
It didn’t matter if they fought or not, because by the end of the day, Jongdae would wear that smile and whatever issues they had were forgotten. No matter what they’ve been through, by then, everything was alright.
Yixing then lowers his eyes. Too bad it wasn’t as simple as then.
-
Jongdae was resting on the couch. And when Yixing clears the table, he sees Jongdae’s wallet at the edge. It’s left open and he glimpses at a photo that’s left out.
There’s a subtle pain in his chest when he recognizes a younger Jongdae with two young boys and his former wife smiling alongside him. They looked happy.
“You don’t know how much it takes for me to separate the boy in that photo, and the man who tried to kill me.”
Yixing nearly jumps and turns around, Jongdae was now awake from his nap. Yixing returns the wallet to the table and walks towards him.
“You’ve always wanted two.” Yixing comments off-handedly.
“Except only one is actually mine,” Jongdae corrects. Yixing furrows his eyebrows as Jongdae ruffles his hair. No one outside the family had known that much. “My eldest, Jongin is my biological one. Sehun is my ex-wife’s and a former friend of mine. Sehun doesn’t think of them as family however...”
A soft smile appears, distinct from the sadness that fills his eyes. “Sehun’s considers me more of a father than his real one... Sad, how how my son can’t even do the same.”
Jongdae leans his head forward. “I should have taken his warnings seriously. He always doubted his brother, but I never thought he’d be this greedy that he’d do this.” Jongdae looked at his hands. “It’s getting harder to trust anyone.”
Yixing knelt beside him. “Don’t think that way.”
Jongdae chuckled and leans forward. “Weren’t you always the one who told me I was too trusting of the world? Did you foresee the trouble I’d fall for?”
“That wasn’t a fault of yours.”
Jongdae laughed humorlessly. “Have we switched perspectives? ...It was because of that that, that you had knew something was wrong with me when no one else did. And I, like a fool, took those pills willingly.”
“You trusted them.” Yixing reminds.
“And I shouldn’t have. It’s a mistake I keep on making,” Jongdae says as he stands up. His judgment felt poorer with every decision he makes. Nothing made much sense to him.
Even when he wasn’t in such a state, he didn’t see the signs.
“Just like before,” he murmurs. And when he hears the footsteps near him, his shoulders tense.
Jongdae’s actions reflected Yixing’s every move. He couldn’t act immune to his care, his own couldn’t pretend none of it mattered. Just as he lied to himself all these years, that he had moved past it.
“It did more than bother me Yixing.” Jongdae utters. “The way you ended it so quickly and left without hearing me out. You even brought a gift to my wedding,” he remembers bitterly.
Yixing crossed his arms over his torso, “it... it was the right thing to do. I wanted to show you we were on good terms. That there wasn’t hard feelings between us.”
Jongdae scoffed at that response. And when his dark eyes reflect on the other, Yixing knew that it was anything but.
“You never believed we’d stay together, did you? All those plans we made, all those conversations we had of the future, you were just amusing yourself weren’t you?”
“No. I meant every one of them... Jongdae-”
“I was happy with you, whether you believed it or not.” Jongdae grounded, rounding his eyes to him. “I wanted to be with you. I wasn’t going to give any of that up no matter what it took. Do you know how hard it is to fight for something when only half of us was willing... you didn’t even try.”
The thought’s come across in his mind too often over the years, and still, it hurts as much as the first night.
“And when you came to the wedding, I was ready to beg you to take me back. Instead, you gave me your blessing?” Jongdae voiced callously, his eyes stinging.
Did he realize what those words did to him? Like a knife to his chest, turning and digging deeper.
And when Yixing takes a step towards him, he’s forced back against the wall, Jongdae’s fist against his chest.
“How could you do that to me? You knew I needed you!”
It’s a wound that he’s ignored for so long, the knife still remained and he couldn’t pull it out.
Yixing reaches out and grabs his wrist.
“I thought I had to, the last thing I wanted to do was hold you back. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.” Yixing quickly says. “I could never stop caring about you,” he admits and moves his hand until it cradles the other’s fist.
Yixing had always been too aware. He’d see Jongdae’s expression change every time his phone rang and his family came through, whenever he’d leave his father’s office and feign a smile. How he struggled between his duty to his family and the man he cared for.
It was a choice too tough to make, and so Yixing made it for him.
“It felt as if I was being forced away. You ended it so quickly, I just assumed that...” Jongdae’s voice fails him. “That you just didn’t care for me anymore.”
“I’m sorry Jongdae. If I could, I’d go back, I’d have taken you with me. I’d have ignored everything if it meant we were together, no matter the consequence.”
Jongdae looks up and their eyes lock. For a moment, all his anger evades him. With their faces just inches apart, Jongdae’s lips were too close to ignore.
“And yet the past can’t be changed.” Jongdae states. “Can it?”
Yixing’s hand is thrown back as Jongdae forces himself away. He doesn’t leave the apartment but walks to the bathroom and locks the door. He know it’s just an immature escape. And still, tears cascade down his cheeks.
Falling for him was easy the first time around. Everything had been ideal with that first start.
There was never falling for him a second time. He had never fallen out.
Yixing’s fist tightened as he hears the sounds from the other side.
He had tried to make amends, tried to make it appear as if their parting would be simple with no hard feelings. It was obvious that neither of them could move on from it.
“Jongdae, please.” Yixing calls through the door.
He could longer brainwash his mind. Words said with conviction as he persuades himself that he was doing the right thing years ago. And hearing them said out loud, those feelings emerge with a vengeance and rip through him as he forces himself away each time he was tempted to go back.
Still, he was weak. His cowardly self couldn’t even leave South Korea, nor the apartment that held their memories. He couldn’t cut his last connection to him.
Reaching that edge, Yixing wants to beg for a second chance. He doesn’t think any truth he could give the other would even have him consider the possibility.
And he repeats in his native tongue his apologies, his confessions, his cowardly self can’t say it in words Jongdae understands. This was his way of admitting everything but hiding just the same.
Have we really lost everything?
-
Jongdae was better now.
Yixing leaned against the passenger seat of his car, eyes downcast as he grips the edge of the seat. He had planned to leave long beforehand, but instead he’s stuck in the parking lot of his building, key in the ignition but not turned.
He knows he deserves to see Jongdae walk out on him. Instead he chooses to leave the apartment the morning before Jongdae wakes, before he could give a formal goodbye and part ways as they should have.
Yixing clenches his eyes at the early morning, deciding at last when he takes out his keys, that he’d return to see Jongdae again. He needed to see him again.
And as if to make his decision for him, Yixing looks up through the fogged windows and sees Jongdae walking across his sight. Dressed in his own clothes, going as he came in, except able to stand on his own now. Jongdae no longer needed him.
Yixing tenses at the sight.
He had enough.
Jongdae may have changed but Yixing kept those stubborn traits. Selfish as ever, he bolted from his car with keys on hand and rushes outside the gated lot.
He doesn’t care if they were left with nothing now, he’d start over, he’d do everything he can.
And running after, daring to pursue this slim chance was just the start He runs through the small opening and turns and avoids as many of the passersby as he can, searching through the dense fog. And when he nears a crowded shop, he’s overwhelmed by the gust of wind that lifts the loose pages from the table nearby.
And when they finally settle, scattered across the sidewalk, Jongdae lowers his arm when he feels two arms wrap around his waist.
“I don’t want this to be goodbye.”
Yixing rests his head against Jongdae’s shoulder. “Even if you reject me, I won’t leave you. Even if we’re just friends, it’s what I deserve. I just can’t be without you.”
Yixing feels Jongdae straighten his back, Jongdae lowers his face.
“...You idiot... This was what you supposed to tell me at the wedding.” Jongdae softly chides, turning just a bit to look back at him.
“Truly, I’m a fool, it didn’t matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let you go.” Yixing declares with a nostalgic smile. “What is it about you that I can’t do without?”
Have they really not lost everything?
There was a part, a small fragment that kept them both together and lost since. Though their lives are different now, it didn’t feel so far apart.
Jongdae’s quietly convinced of that as he places his hands above Yixing’s. His eyes dart to the heavily clouded skies and sees it’s beginning to clear up, it’d be easier to see just soon enough.
“It doesn’t have to be here, it doesn’t have to be now.” Jongdae compromises and begins to put a distance. He’s pulled back, Yixing wouldn’t have that.
And when Yixing faces him fully with determination, he tells him firmly without a single doubt,
“We’ve spent enough years caring about what others thought, let’s live for us now.”
Even if the fog cleared up and the world could see, none of that mattered. Yixing’s grip is firm on Jongdae’s wrist. The two lock eyes, and Jongdae feels assured that Yixing will never let go of him again.
“I need you in my life, with me.” Yixing declares quietly. Jongdae closes his eyes as Yixing holds him tightly, unable to resist another second. Jongdae feels Yixing fall against him from relief, he returns his own arms around him. He bared his weaknesses like he often had before.
Jongdae decides to be like Yixing, and not admit what he had been doing when he ventured outside. That in fact, he was also searching for him. With his life bordering on the line of death, he’s certain that the memories that’d flash before his eyes would encompass many people he cared for. One year, two, it didn’t matter how many had passed,
Yixing would appear amongst them without a doubt.
Jongdae is overwhelmed by raw emotion that he feels his heart settle and his thoughts succumb to peaceful times. And this time when those memories flood back, they gently pass through.
This wasn’t the end, it could never be.
-
He tries to open the door but his keys won’t work. She stared oddly at her husband tries to force the door open.
“Give me yours,” he orders his wife who gives it to him. He jams it in the door knob and twists it about, but it doesn’t turn. He then slams his fist against the doors, and the staff doesn’t answer.
The door then opens. “Finally-” the wife freezes. The first son looks up to see Jongdae open it.
“Who are you?” Jongdae asks.
“D-Dad.” Jongin’s expression is as if he’s seen a ghost.
Jongdae appeared confused. “That’s surprising, I believe I only have one son.”
The intruder is conveniently left a glimpse inside his former home, and sharpens his gaze at his younger brother who appears behind his father.
“This isn’t your home.” Jongdae says plainly. “Please leave, before I call security.”
Jongin isn’t so weak and forces the door open. “D-dad, you’re making a mistake.’
He waits and waits until his father finally looks at him. It wasn’t with a sense of guilt, but his eyes reflect coldly to the younger man.
“Tomorrow when you attempt to access your accounts, don’t fret too much on their part. It won’t be a banking error.” Jongin tried to step forward. He lowers himself with a hardened smile.
“Make do with your wife’s wealth,” Jongdae remarks off-handedly. “It’s the reason why you married her.” And slammed the door on his face.
“I could have done all that,” he hears Sehun say to him, sitting as he observed from the curtains of the window.
“It’s fine.”
Sehun helps his father to his seat though he needs no help, then sits down across from him. “Giving the company to someone else though, I see the merger went well.”
“You didn’t want it,” Jongdae reminds. His son just smiles as he sits comfortably in his seat.
Jongdae may never have been as cruel as his son, but he can see the flaws in his plan. It was a mistake on Jongin’s part not to contact the authorities when he had disappeared. Jongdae had all the documented evidence as an insurance for Sehun, in case his brother retaliated.
Jongdae’s surprised when he feels a pair of arms hold him from behind.
“I’m glad you’re alright dad,” Sehun murmurs, hugging him tighter with all he had before he let go.
“Are you planning on staying long?” Jongdae asks.
Sehun gives an apologetic smile. “No, I’m thinking of staying abroad permanently. I hope you visit me from time to time.”
Sehun pulls away and looks around the home. “And you? Do you really want to stay here?” His son poses, the home no longer held dear memories for either of them.
Jongdae settles back into his chair, taking a deep breath. “No, I’m short selling it.”
“So soon? You have a place in mind then?”
Jongdae opens his eyes and looks at the vase placed in the center of the hallway. It was beautifully crafted and detailed in leaves. The only wedding gift Jongdae’s made sure stayed in the home.
“I do,” he says firmly.
-
The riverfront is just as nice as he remembered it to be. Yixing had always come up here for countless family trips, and it’s stayed as a precious memory with him all this time.
It was here he always thought he’d retire to, and that hope was shared, Jongdae had always been apart of the ideal scenario he’s created here.
Yixing stood there, warm breath mingling with the cold air. He clasps his hands in his pockets and his heart drops.
The ‘SOLD’ placecard was placed right over the house.
It had been on the market for a few months, Yixing had checked on it for the sake of curiosity, but it had been on the front of his mind. He hoped that it meant it was a signal for a prosperous future.
The place they’ve wanted was already taken, in his pessimistic state, he doesn’t take that lightly.
Jongdae approaches his side, and sees the sign board stabbed onto the ground. He looks back at the other and smiled, “Let’s go.” He glances about the long river front. “I’m sure over the years there’s even better properties around.”
At first, Yixing is a little hesitant. Yet the moment he sees Jongdae give his smile, Yixing realizes there’s nothing to worry about. Everything was alright.
Yixing followed his gaze, it may not have been their first choice, but he agrees with his sentiments. He gently smiles as they continue on. Jongdae keeps a few steps behind him and burrows his hands beneath his arms and holds him tightly.
Though it’s not the city, and they take a few missteps here and there, the two keep closely by.
Wherever they end up being, he was sure they’d be happy, Jongdae muses in mutual delight as their hands reach atop another’s.
Yixing felt he could afford one last assumption. Their future was as clear as day, and thankfully, just beginning.
-
[Previous: Henry/Xiumin (Whispers)] - [Next: Yunho/Jaejoong (Pinwheels)]
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Lay/Chen
Genre: AU!Drama/Minor!Angst, Romance
Summary: Jongdae's just about to reach the end, he can't see around him nor even recognize his own name. The best memories that should play, can't. Jongdae may not be able to revisit the past, but it comes back to help and bring him back.
-Part 1-
Flashback:
Jongdae walked into the apartment with a heavy demeanor, beaten by endless meetings and conference calls, demeaned by men his father’s age who still assume they could do a better job than he can. He raises his gaze and the moment he sees Yixing sitting on the couch, the worn man’s expression brightens considerably.
And when Yixing greets him with a warm smile, the latter makes himself comfortable on the couch, his head on Yixing’s lap.
“Pay attention to me.” Jongdae starts as he tugs the newspaper Yixing keeps reading.
“Why do you crave my attention so much?” Yixing’s tone is rather serious, but Jongdae knows better as a smile broke on his lips.
And when Jongdae sits up, his face behind the newspaper, he clarifies, “I don’t need it. I just like it.”
Yixing held back a laugh when he lowers the newspaper, and gently pecks Jongdae on the forehead. Jongdae narrows his eyes and tugs at his collar.
Yixing then lowers the newspaper completely, and listens to his demands.
-
Present Day:
For whatever reason, news of Jongdae’s disappearance doesn’t make headlines as it should. Jongdae just assumes his son is keeping it quiet, the man was still sick and out of action for a while now, no one would bat an eye that he still wasn’t seen.
Jongdae’s strength comes to every now and then, and with Xiumin’s most recent check-up, it appears he’ll be just fine. Patience was all he needed and was recommended he stay a while longer. That news comes with both bliss and disdain.
Jongdae was now able to handle himself a bit more on his own, there’s times when his strength leaves him. He’s now able to eat on his own now at least. He feels it’s no coincidence that after the first few days of soft congee, that the dishes he’s given are nearly all his favorites.
“Is it too hot?”
Jongdae just scoops up the last of his bowl and shakes his head. He can’t depend on his voice right now. And when he finishes eating, he stands up to leave the couch when he falls forward.
Yixing’s there to catch him, and braces his fall.
Jongdae, aside from his own son, had always been surrounded by those who’d benefit from his downfall.
“Strange how even now, you’re one of the few people in my life I trust turning my back to.” Jongdae realizes out loud.
Jongdae blames his lingering heart, he can’t help but briefly forgo the animosity he holds to Yixing, and relaxes against him.
Hadn’t it always been like this? That Jongdae, a man who was looked on for guidance and leadership amongst his peers, became just a spoiled child in Yixing’s arms.
The nostalgia threatens to pull him in, and Jongdae forces himself to pull back just before he gives in. He reached for his bowl and headed to the kitchen.
Jongdae hears fast footsteps and turns around to a now empty living room, followed by the sound of the bathroom’s faucet turned on, he takes a deep breath.
Just a little more time and he’d be okay.
Just a little longer.
-
Yixing places his hand over his own chest and takes a deep breath. Though Jongdae was becoming better, Yixing felt a little weaker each day. His heart was wavering since the beginning, and now it was just barely hanging on.
Yixing does his best to keep his distance and keeps to himself most of the time, staying just near enough in case Jongdae needed him. Right now his life was revolving around the other, it felt like he was revisiting the past, when that’s all his life had been about.
He remembered when Jongdae would nod off against his window if Yixing took too long to get ready. How the other would stubbornly refuse to leave his side when he was sick, even if it meant Yixing had to return the favor a few days later. When Jongdae would always order two different dishes but end up eating from Yixing’s own plate and ignore his food.
It didn’t matter if they fought or not, because by the end of the day, Jongdae would wear that smile and whatever issues they had were forgotten. No matter what they’ve been through, by then, everything was alright.
Yixing then lowers his eyes. Too bad it wasn’t as simple as then.
-
Jongdae was resting on the couch. And when Yixing clears the table, he sees Jongdae’s wallet at the edge. It’s left open and he glimpses at a photo that’s left out.
There’s a subtle pain in his chest when he recognizes a younger Jongdae with two young boys and his former wife smiling alongside him. They looked happy.
“You don’t know how much it takes for me to separate the boy in that photo, and the man who tried to kill me.”
Yixing nearly jumps and turns around, Jongdae was now awake from his nap. Yixing returns the wallet to the table and walks towards him.
“You’ve always wanted two.” Yixing comments off-handedly.
“Except only one is actually mine,” Jongdae corrects. Yixing furrows his eyebrows as Jongdae ruffles his hair. No one outside the family had known that much. “My eldest, Jongin is my biological one. Sehun is my ex-wife’s and a former friend of mine. Sehun doesn’t think of them as family however...”
A soft smile appears, distinct from the sadness that fills his eyes. “Sehun’s considers me more of a father than his real one... Sad, how how my son can’t even do the same.”
Jongdae leans his head forward. “I should have taken his warnings seriously. He always doubted his brother, but I never thought he’d be this greedy that he’d do this.” Jongdae looked at his hands. “It’s getting harder to trust anyone.”
Yixing knelt beside him. “Don’t think that way.”
Jongdae chuckled and leans forward. “Weren’t you always the one who told me I was too trusting of the world? Did you foresee the trouble I’d fall for?”
“That wasn’t a fault of yours.”
Jongdae laughed humorlessly. “Have we switched perspectives? ...It was because of that that, that you had knew something was wrong with me when no one else did. And I, like a fool, took those pills willingly.”
“You trusted them.” Yixing reminds.
“And I shouldn’t have. It’s a mistake I keep on making,” Jongdae says as he stands up. His judgment felt poorer with every decision he makes. Nothing made much sense to him.
Even when he wasn’t in such a state, he didn’t see the signs.
“Just like before,” he murmurs. And when he hears the footsteps near him, his shoulders tense.
Jongdae’s actions reflected Yixing’s every move. He couldn’t act immune to his care, his own couldn’t pretend none of it mattered. Just as he lied to himself all these years, that he had moved past it.
“It did more than bother me Yixing.” Jongdae utters. “The way you ended it so quickly and left without hearing me out. You even brought a gift to my wedding,” he remembers bitterly.
Yixing crossed his arms over his torso, “it... it was the right thing to do. I wanted to show you we were on good terms. That there wasn’t hard feelings between us.”
Jongdae scoffed at that response. And when his dark eyes reflect on the other, Yixing knew that it was anything but.
“You never believed we’d stay together, did you? All those plans we made, all those conversations we had of the future, you were just amusing yourself weren’t you?”
“No. I meant every one of them... Jongdae-”
“I was happy with you, whether you believed it or not.” Jongdae grounded, rounding his eyes to him. “I wanted to be with you. I wasn’t going to give any of that up no matter what it took. Do you know how hard it is to fight for something when only half of us was willing... you didn’t even try.”
The thought’s come across in his mind too often over the years, and still, it hurts as much as the first night.
“And when you came to the wedding, I was ready to beg you to take me back. Instead, you gave me your blessing?” Jongdae voiced callously, his eyes stinging.
Did he realize what those words did to him? Like a knife to his chest, turning and digging deeper.
And when Yixing takes a step towards him, he’s forced back against the wall, Jongdae’s fist against his chest.
“How could you do that to me? You knew I needed you!”
It’s a wound that he’s ignored for so long, the knife still remained and he couldn’t pull it out.
Yixing reaches out and grabs his wrist.
“I thought I had to, the last thing I wanted to do was hold you back. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore.” Yixing quickly says. “I could never stop caring about you,” he admits and moves his hand until it cradles the other’s fist.
Yixing had always been too aware. He’d see Jongdae’s expression change every time his phone rang and his family came through, whenever he’d leave his father’s office and feign a smile. How he struggled between his duty to his family and the man he cared for.
It was a choice too tough to make, and so Yixing made it for him.
“It felt as if I was being forced away. You ended it so quickly, I just assumed that...” Jongdae’s voice fails him. “That you just didn’t care for me anymore.”
“I’m sorry Jongdae. If I could, I’d go back, I’d have taken you with me. I’d have ignored everything if it meant we were together, no matter the consequence.”
Jongdae looks up and their eyes lock. For a moment, all his anger evades him. With their faces just inches apart, Jongdae’s lips were too close to ignore.
“And yet the past can’t be changed.” Jongdae states. “Can it?”
Yixing’s hand is thrown back as Jongdae forces himself away. He doesn’t leave the apartment but walks to the bathroom and locks the door. He know it’s just an immature escape. And still, tears cascade down his cheeks.
Falling for him was easy the first time around. Everything had been ideal with that first start.
There was never falling for him a second time. He had never fallen out.
Yixing’s fist tightened as he hears the sounds from the other side.
He had tried to make amends, tried to make it appear as if their parting would be simple with no hard feelings. It was obvious that neither of them could move on from it.
“Jongdae, please.” Yixing calls through the door.
He could longer brainwash his mind. Words said with conviction as he persuades himself that he was doing the right thing years ago. And hearing them said out loud, those feelings emerge with a vengeance and rip through him as he forces himself away each time he was tempted to go back.
Still, he was weak. His cowardly self couldn’t even leave South Korea, nor the apartment that held their memories. He couldn’t cut his last connection to him.
Reaching that edge, Yixing wants to beg for a second chance. He doesn’t think any truth he could give the other would even have him consider the possibility.
And he repeats in his native tongue his apologies, his confessions, his cowardly self can’t say it in words Jongdae understands. This was his way of admitting everything but hiding just the same.
Have we really lost everything?
-
Jongdae was better now.
Yixing leaned against the passenger seat of his car, eyes downcast as he grips the edge of the seat. He had planned to leave long beforehand, but instead he’s stuck in the parking lot of his building, key in the ignition but not turned.
He knows he deserves to see Jongdae walk out on him. Instead he chooses to leave the apartment the morning before Jongdae wakes, before he could give a formal goodbye and part ways as they should have.
Yixing clenches his eyes at the early morning, deciding at last when he takes out his keys, that he’d return to see Jongdae again. He needed to see him again.
And as if to make his decision for him, Yixing looks up through the fogged windows and sees Jongdae walking across his sight. Dressed in his own clothes, going as he came in, except able to stand on his own now. Jongdae no longer needed him.
Yixing tenses at the sight.
He had enough.
Jongdae may have changed but Yixing kept those stubborn traits. Selfish as ever, he bolted from his car with keys on hand and rushes outside the gated lot.
He doesn’t care if they were left with nothing now, he’d start over, he’d do everything he can.
And running after, daring to pursue this slim chance was just the start He runs through the small opening and turns and avoids as many of the passersby as he can, searching through the dense fog. And when he nears a crowded shop, he’s overwhelmed by the gust of wind that lifts the loose pages from the table nearby.
And when they finally settle, scattered across the sidewalk, Jongdae lowers his arm when he feels two arms wrap around his waist.
“I don’t want this to be goodbye.”
Yixing rests his head against Jongdae’s shoulder. “Even if you reject me, I won’t leave you. Even if we’re just friends, it’s what I deserve. I just can’t be without you.”
Yixing feels Jongdae straighten his back, Jongdae lowers his face.
“...You idiot... This was what you supposed to tell me at the wedding.” Jongdae softly chides, turning just a bit to look back at him.
“Truly, I’m a fool, it didn’t matter how much time passed, I couldn’t let you go.” Yixing declares with a nostalgic smile. “What is it about you that I can’t do without?”
Have they really not lost everything?
There was a part, a small fragment that kept them both together and lost since. Though their lives are different now, it didn’t feel so far apart.
Jongdae’s quietly convinced of that as he places his hands above Yixing’s. His eyes dart to the heavily clouded skies and sees it’s beginning to clear up, it’d be easier to see just soon enough.
“It doesn’t have to be here, it doesn’t have to be now.” Jongdae compromises and begins to put a distance. He’s pulled back, Yixing wouldn’t have that.
And when Yixing faces him fully with determination, he tells him firmly without a single doubt,
“We’ve spent enough years caring about what others thought, let’s live for us now.”
Even if the fog cleared up and the world could see, none of that mattered. Yixing’s grip is firm on Jongdae’s wrist. The two lock eyes, and Jongdae feels assured that Yixing will never let go of him again.
“I need you in my life, with me.” Yixing declares quietly. Jongdae closes his eyes as Yixing holds him tightly, unable to resist another second. Jongdae feels Yixing fall against him from relief, he returns his own arms around him. He bared his weaknesses like he often had before.
Jongdae decides to be like Yixing, and not admit what he had been doing when he ventured outside. That in fact, he was also searching for him. With his life bordering on the line of death, he’s certain that the memories that’d flash before his eyes would encompass many people he cared for. One year, two, it didn’t matter how many had passed,
Yixing would appear amongst them without a doubt.
Jongdae is overwhelmed by raw emotion that he feels his heart settle and his thoughts succumb to peaceful times. And this time when those memories flood back, they gently pass through.
This wasn’t the end, it could never be.
-
He tries to open the door but his keys won’t work. She stared oddly at her husband tries to force the door open.
“Give me yours,” he orders his wife who gives it to him. He jams it in the door knob and twists it about, but it doesn’t turn. He then slams his fist against the doors, and the staff doesn’t answer.
The door then opens. “Finally-” the wife freezes. The first son looks up to see Jongdae open it.
“Who are you?” Jongdae asks.
“D-Dad.” Jongin’s expression is as if he’s seen a ghost.
Jongdae appeared confused. “That’s surprising, I believe I only have one son.”
The intruder is conveniently left a glimpse inside his former home, and sharpens his gaze at his younger brother who appears behind his father.
“This isn’t your home.” Jongdae says plainly. “Please leave, before I call security.”
Jongin isn’t so weak and forces the door open. “D-dad, you’re making a mistake.’
He waits and waits until his father finally looks at him. It wasn’t with a sense of guilt, but his eyes reflect coldly to the younger man.
“Tomorrow when you attempt to access your accounts, don’t fret too much on their part. It won’t be a banking error.” Jongin tried to step forward. He lowers himself with a hardened smile.
“Make do with your wife’s wealth,” Jongdae remarks off-handedly. “It’s the reason why you married her.” And slammed the door on his face.
“I could have done all that,” he hears Sehun say to him, sitting as he observed from the curtains of the window.
“It’s fine.”
Sehun helps his father to his seat though he needs no help, then sits down across from him. “Giving the company to someone else though, I see the merger went well.”
“You didn’t want it,” Jongdae reminds. His son just smiles as he sits comfortably in his seat.
Jongdae may never have been as cruel as his son, but he can see the flaws in his plan. It was a mistake on Jongin’s part not to contact the authorities when he had disappeared. Jongdae had all the documented evidence as an insurance for Sehun, in case his brother retaliated.
Jongdae’s surprised when he feels a pair of arms hold him from behind.
“I’m glad you’re alright dad,” Sehun murmurs, hugging him tighter with all he had before he let go.
“Are you planning on staying long?” Jongdae asks.
Sehun gives an apologetic smile. “No, I’m thinking of staying abroad permanently. I hope you visit me from time to time.”
Sehun pulls away and looks around the home. “And you? Do you really want to stay here?” His son poses, the home no longer held dear memories for either of them.
Jongdae settles back into his chair, taking a deep breath. “No, I’m short selling it.”
“So soon? You have a place in mind then?”
Jongdae opens his eyes and looks at the vase placed in the center of the hallway. It was beautifully crafted and detailed in leaves. The only wedding gift Jongdae’s made sure stayed in the home.
“I do,” he says firmly.
-
The riverfront is just as nice as he remembered it to be. Yixing had always come up here for countless family trips, and it’s stayed as a precious memory with him all this time.
It was here he always thought he’d retire to, and that hope was shared, Jongdae had always been apart of the ideal scenario he’s created here.
Yixing stood there, warm breath mingling with the cold air. He clasps his hands in his pockets and his heart drops.
The ‘SOLD’ placecard was placed right over the house.
It had been on the market for a few months, Yixing had checked on it for the sake of curiosity, but it had been on the front of his mind. He hoped that it meant it was a signal for a prosperous future.
The place they’ve wanted was already taken, in his pessimistic state, he doesn’t take that lightly.
Jongdae approaches his side, and sees the sign board stabbed onto the ground. He looks back at the other and smiled, “Let’s go.” He glances about the long river front. “I’m sure over the years there’s even better properties around.”
At first, Yixing is a little hesitant. Yet the moment he sees Jongdae give his smile, Yixing realizes there’s nothing to worry about. Everything was alright.
Yixing followed his gaze, it may not have been their first choice, but he agrees with his sentiments. He gently smiles as they continue on. Jongdae keeps a few steps behind him and burrows his hands beneath his arms and holds him tightly.
Though it’s not the city, and they take a few missteps here and there, the two keep closely by.
Wherever they end up being, he was sure they’d be happy, Jongdae muses in mutual delight as their hands reach atop another’s.
Yixing felt he could afford one last assumption. Their future was as clear as day, and thankfully, just beginning.
-
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