The Bunny King Is Dead Chapter 1

[nyx06]

Okay.... this is what I'm currently working on... it's not revised and changes will be made... but this is a preview! It's a Taemin centered story... so please forgive any mistakes!

[Spoiler (click to open)]

1A tinkling bell went off as the front door of the Lee and Son’s Apothecary swung open. The bustling sounds of the market place suddenly disturbing the serenity of

Comments

[kayjay1212]

Okay, first of all, the story is really good. The pacing is effective and no, its not boring at all. First Im going to list some of the small things I caught, then Ill move on to the bigger things.

"The bustling sounds of the market place suddenly disturbing the serenity of the shop, as a slim figure lurched through the doorway heaving a heavy satchel."

Ok, 1) disturbing should be disturbed here, 2) the word suddenly is awkward since you'd already mentioned that the door opened in the previous sentence. Perhaps if this sentence was the first indication that someone was coming into the store, it wouldnt be as awkward, and 3) is the word heavy necessary? We dont heave non-heavy satchels. It seems kind of redundant.

"He called out, tapping the bell instantly."

I think you mean incessantly.

"and googles. The bulbous google"

Im not sure, but do you mean goggles? You use google's again in a sentence after this.

"The academy was in need"

Should this be present tense? Because he is still preparing the ingredients, making them still in need.

“No,” he couldn’t quite believe it. He reached for the envelope with trembling hands."

The word quite seems ill-fitting. Because of it, the first sentence gives me the impression that he is confused more than shocked, or that at least his shock or excitement isnt that large. The second sentence gives me the impression that he is about to burst into tears.

"The Mint City evenings were renowned for its beauty throughout the kingdom, he remembered."

1) its should be their, and 2) the "he remembered" is weird. Im not sure why it is, but it made me pause while reading it.

"Jongin looked surprised, before he could speak though Taemin said. “Everyone"

Maybe separate the first part of this sentence and make it into two sentences? Because its kind of a rushed sentence right now. I guess you could also fix it by adding some commas.

"but the end results were more than"

Should results be singular?

"of the Lee who had lived there."

Should Lee be plural?

"It was in the over warm green house was where Taemin’s friend, Jongin, found"

1) you dont need the was after house and 2) you dont have to mention that Jongin is Taemin's friend again. Thats already been established. It comes off as you not trusting the reader to have picked up on that already.

"he felt that the room was leaning to the right and no matter how he tried to right himself."

You dont need the and. Also, its not technically wrong, but perhaps make right, left? It just seems to flow better for me.

"it swayed and causing the contents to slosh"

caused instead of causing.

"He wasn’t sure how he’d gotten there, the last that he remembered was Jongin had started singing a song about beautiful girls and something about their mounds and attributes or something."

Maybe make a new sentence at the last. Take out had started.

"Everything bothering him"

bothered instead of bothering.

"His brother must have pitied him because before he realized it"

1) maybe say taken pity on him instead of pitied him. Or found him pitiful. Because it just seems more appropriate that you say it using an active sense considering that he is saying this because the brother gave him a tonic. I hope that makes sense. 2) you're missing a comma and 3) the before he realized just seems weird. You include phrases like this a lot and they sometimes come off as unnecessary. Im not sure why, just the feeling I get reading it.

Now, more generally. I know you said that this is a rough draft, so most of the stuff I listed above you prob would have caught when you went to proofread. Just thought I'd help :))

So, you are missing commas all over the place. You have a bunch of run-on sentences. Something else I was wondering about is the speech type. I coudnt tell if you were trying to use current colloquial speech or a past/more formal type of speech. If this isnt something you were concerned about, just ignore this.