The Lost Child (B)
.: || A || :.
“Now that was some experience. You’re getting the hang of it, Kyu! In a matter of weeks you’ll be a full-fledged father! I’m so proud of you!” Eunhyuk patted my back. It has been a week since the incident happened. Why was he even praising me? Didn’t he know that the kid had almost gotten kidnapped because of my recklessness?
“Why are you even proud of him, you stupid monkey? He almost lost his son!” Donghae screeched. Now that is the reaction I was hoping for. “And you! What were you thinking? Why didn’t you hold Jongwoon’s hand in the first place, huh? He’s a kid. A kid! Do have to spell it out for you, huh? I pity the kid for having a stupid father like you,” he pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I was thinking the same thing,” I mumbled.
“Don’t think like that, Kyu. We all know how awkward you were in the beginning, but this is a nice progress,” Eunhyuk patted my back a little too hard for comfort.
“What progress are you talking about, monkey?”
“This kangaroo-”Oh, so I’m a kangaroo. What’s Jongwoon then? A koala bear? “-doesn’t let anybody invade his personal space. He doesn’t even allow people to hold his hand, let alone hug him. Do you get my point now, Nemo?” I sighed when Donghae shook his head. This guy is supposed to be my friend, yet he doesn’t understand or know a single thing about me.
“I thought hugging him was normal because he lets you do it too. And what does that have to do with Jong- Oh. Oh. OH! Now I get it! You really are making progress! I never thought the day would come when the insensitive kangaroo would become so affectionate. I guess blood ties are strong,” Donghae clasped his hands as he batted his eyelashes at me, making Eunhyuk laugh. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think this guy is a woman. I sighed as I took a sip from my wine.
“How’s the kid by the way?” Eunhyuk asked.
“He’s doing well in school. The teachers told me he’s not a problem child.”
“How about at home? Do you guys even talk?” The fish asked. I shook my head as I emptied my glass and poured some more.
“You don’t talk?” They asked in unison.
“What do we have to talk about? I’m not used to having people inside my house much less talk to them.”
“And I thought you were making progress. It seems we were wrong once again. Do we have to come to your house again to entertain him?” Donghae asked, irritated. His mood swings really tick me off. One moment he’s happy and the next he’s angry. Eunhyuk, how can you put up with this man? Is love really that blindingly?
“I need to go now. Jongwoon might go and look for me.” I finished my glass of wine hastily and then stood up.
“Oh, come on. The kid is probably asleep by now. Sit down. I still need to fill that head of yours with information on how to take care of a child,” Donghae glared at me as he pushed me back down on my seat. I saw Eunhyuk smiling as he patted his lover’s shoulder.
“Let him go, Hae. He has better things to do. Go now, Kyu,” knowing Donghae, I only have ten minutes before he comes running after me. Though, if he’s distracted enough, I might have up to 20 minutes. Ten minutes is enough for me to disappear from this place and to drive back home.
I checked my watch and I noticed it’s already 10:23 PM. I should’ve been sleeping by now, yet here I am, driving in the middle of the night. I made a stop at an intersection and looked around. I spotted a toy claw machine in front of an antique shop. I drummed the steering wheel, trying to decide whether to check it out or not.
What the hell, there’s no harm in checking, right? I parked my car on the sidewalk and approached the machine. What do you know? There’s a koala bear inside. I played and tried my best to get the only koala toy. After three tries, I managed to get it. I smiled as I looked at it, before returning to my car.
I arrived at my house but the lights were switched on. What the hell? Why is it on? If I remember correctly, I switched everything off before I left. It’s either because Jongwoon is awake or someone’s inside the house. Upon opening the front door, someone jumped me.
“Daddy! Where have you been?” Jongwoon asked as he clings onto my leg. He really reminds me of a koala bear. Speaking of which…
“Out with your uncles. By the way, I got you this,” I handed him the toy I’d won earlier. He reached for it and smiled widely.
“Thank you, daddy! This is the best birthday gift ever! I love you daddy!” He hugged the toy as he tightened his hold on my leg. Birthday? Today is his birthday? How come I didn’t know? Ok, that was a stupid question.
“Today is your birthday?” I knelt down and stared at him. He nodded at me while smiling. “You should’ve told me. I could’ve prepared something for you.”
Hold up! Am I really saying all of these things? Am I sick? What’s happening to me? I don’t even celebrate my own birthday! No scratch that-I forget my own birthday. What’s the date today anyway? 24th of August?
“It’s alright daddy. I usually only get a kiss from grandma and grandpa,” I picked him up and walked towards the couch. He sat comfortably on my lap while I rested my left arm on the back rest and my right arm on his back. I watched him as he played with the toy.
“What do you get from your mom?”
“Nothing. I only get to see her when it’s Christmas. Mommy ignores me but her friend is scary.”
“Ignore you? Her friend? What friend?” Taeyeon ignores her own child? What’s wrong with that woman? This kid is adorable yet she ignores him?
“Her friend, who she brings along. He usually hits me when my grandparents aren’t around, saying that I’m a bastard. Daddy, what’s a bastard? Is it a good thing?” The fuck?! A bastard? He called Jongwoon a bastard? That son of a bitch!
“Daddy? Are you angry? Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry daddy! Please don’t hurt me,” he mumbled as he hung his head low.
“Jongwoon, look at me.” He sniffed before he raised his head to look at me. “I will never hurt you so don’t be scared. I’m not angry at you but I’m angry with your mother’s friend. You are not a bastard, you are my…” He’s my what? I stared off into space, completely forgetting that Jongwoon was still sitting on my lap. What exactly was I going to say?
“Daddy? Are you alright? Are you tired? Do you want to sleep?” Yeah, I think I’m tired. I need sleep right now. This might be because I’m too stressed. Yeah, that must be it.
“Yeah, I’m tired. Let’s go to sleep?” Jongwoon smiled at me before he hopped off and ran upstairs. I stretched my arms and decided to tell the couple later about what Jongwoon had told me. Maybe they can help me understand his situation better. I sure hope so.
.: | :.
I was about to switch off my lamp when my door opened. I saw Jongwoon by the door holding the toy I gave him.
“What is it?”
“C-can I s-sleep w-with y-you?” This kid. He never fails to catch me off guard. He asks the most surprising questions and does the most surprising acts. Hell, Eunhyuk can’t even do that! “I-it’s a-alright. I’m g-going t-to s-sleep i-in m-my b-bed. G-good n-night d-daddy.” And then he’ll assume that I’m angry or that I don’t like what he does. Seriously, he should’ve waited for me to refuse first before he walk away. I sighed.
“Hey,” I called out, and motioned for him to come closer to me, which he did. He climbed onto my bed and sat down in front of me. “Is that your wish?”
“What?”
“I asked if that is your wish. Birthday celebrants are granted one wish, right? That’s what your uncles do every time it’s their birthday,” I scratched my head. Are those two just playing with me? If so, then can I kill them tomorrow?
“Can I have two wishes, please?” This kid’s getting greedy. A characteristic he hadn’t gotten from me. I’m not greedy. No, I’m absolutely not. Nu-uh. Yeah, Kyuhyun. Live in denial. That’s healthy.
“As long as I can do it then… I guess, why not?”
“My wish is that daddy let me sleep here and that he sings me a song,” he exclaimed. I smiled, or I think I did, and then nodded in agreement. He crawled towards me and wrapped my arms around him. He took my hands and played with it. “Daddy, are my hands ever going to grow this big?”
“I think so. My hands used to be that small too,” He kept tracing the lines from my palms and even compared his hands to mine. His hands really are small, it made me chuckle. “Daddy, sing me a song.”
“I’m not a good singer so bear with me ok?” He looked up and nodded enthusiastically. I cleared my throat a little. A kid won’t judge me right? Eunhyuk hasn’t even heard my voice yet but I think I’m going to make an exception. Here goes nothing.
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Little Jackie Paper loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff. Oh
This is the song my foster parents used to sing to me when I was a kid-around Jongwoon’s age. They never failed to sing me this song. During their funeral, I sang this for them. They died in a plane crash before my 19th birthday. Maybe that’s why I slept with Taeyeon. I was too depressed and she was there to provide me comfort. Damn.
“Daddy, why are you crying?”
“W-what? I-I’m not crying,” I whispered as I wiped away my tears. He got up and wrapped his arms around my neck. “W-what are y-you d-doing?”
“Grandma used to do this whenever I cried. She told me that it’s okay to cry if you’re sad or hurt. Are you sad, daddy? Is that why you’re crying?” He pulled away from me and stared into my eyes. I can feel my eyes welling again. He is the exact definition of innocence and he sees right through me. This kid understands me. He understands me more than Eunhyuk has ever done.
“Yeah, daddy is sad,” I admitted. He hugged me and let me bury my face on his small shoulder. I just cried in his arms while he patted my head. He even hummed a song for me. I guess the quotation ‘You’ll never know what you had till you lost it’ is true in every sense.
We spent the next hour like that, and the next by just chatting. We slept around one in the morning. I felt guilty for having him stay up so late. We should chat more often.
.: | :.
I woke up in the middle of the night by a loud booming sound coming from outside. Oh, right! There was supposed to be a storm this evening. I sat up and searched for the lamp switch. When I tried switching the lights on, it didn’t work. There must be a power failure too. The wind is strong so there’s a possibility that some trees are uprooted. I sighed.
This is a great way to start off a month. I hate October because it usually starts with a storm. I ran a hand through my hair. Now how am I supposed to sleep? I bet I won’t be needed in the office tomorrow because of the storm and classes will be suspended. Wait, classes?
Oh shit! Jongwoon!
I dashed towards Jongwoon’s room. I approached the bed and saw a small lump in the middle, which was shaking. If the thunder already makes me jump, how badly would a kid react?
“Jongwoon. Jongwoon it’s me,” I whispered as I sat on his bed. He revealed his head from underneath the blanket and blinked at me. “Come here. Let’s sleep in my room.”
He immediately launched himself at me and I carried him towards my room. The thunder boomed again as I walked, which made him tremble and tighten his hold on me. When we reached my room, I put him down on my bed. He immediately hid under my comforter and curled into a ball. I chuckled at the sight before I joined him.
I was staring at the ceiling when the thunder boomed again. I felt Jongwoon jump slightly, and then inched closer to me. He was trembling really badly now, and out of instinct, I turned onto my side and draped my arm around him. He moved even closer and buried his face in my chest.
Since he kept trembling non-stop, I decided to sing him a song. I found this song on Eunhyuk’s playlist while I was browsing his iPod and have listened to it ever since. I had chuckled when I found a ballad on his playlist, which he’d denied when I accused him of it later on. The original singer of this song had a husky voice and I’d soon found myself in search of his songs. He was amazing. Even Eunhyuk and Donghae couldn’t believe that I became a fan of that singer.
Anyways, Jongwoon stopped trembling and soon I heard soft snores. I know he was asleep but I kept singing for him. While singing, I kept rubbing his back gently and soon, I, too, fell asleep.
.: | :.
It has been four months since I accepted the kid into my household. Taeyeon’s wedding was last November and I hadn’t attended it. I’d decided to visit her during Jongwoon’s upcoming winter break. I’m sort of excited and at the same time scared on how the whole reunion would turn out. What if Taeyeon hated me for getting her pregnant in the past? She was the one who broke up with me, though, so what’s the point of sulking? If I’d known back then, would I’ve stay with her? Would I’ve taken care of the kid together with her? There were too many questions, yet there are no answers. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep continuously for three weeks already. I should take a nap first. Yeah, that should do.
I woke up startled when I heard the janitor entering my room. Janitor’s don’t enter offices unless it’s past office hours. Holy shit! What time is it now? Fuck! It’s already 9 PM! I still have to pick up Jongwoon!
Shit! I’m so stupid! I shouldn’t have taken a nap. What if he was still there waiting for me? What if he’s outside of the school where he usually waits for me? No, that’s impossible. The teachers wouldn’t leave a kid unattended, especially at this time. I slammed my hand on the steering wheel in frustration as soon as I had entered the car. Please, please tell me he’s not outside. It’s too cold tonight and fuck it, it’s even snowing! Damn! Damn! Damn!
When I reached the school, I hurriedly hopped out of my car and searched the surroundings of the school. I even yelled his name with the hope that someone inside the nearby houses would’ve seen him. I spotted a guard and asked him if a kid is still inside the school, but he answered with a no. Where is he? Home! He must be at home.
“Please be inside! Please be inside!” These three words have become my mantra. I just need him to be inside so he’ll at least be warm. I kept fidgeting and I’m feeling nervous again all of a sudden. Something’s wrong. Something is definitely wrong. Please be inside, kid. It’s cold outside, so please be inside.
When I reached the driveway, my heart nearly fell. There he was. Out on the porch curled up into a ball. Shit! Shit! Shit! I went out of the car without turning off the engine and ran towards him. No please. Not him, please.
I reached for him and took him into my arms. He feels cold-too cold. “Jongwoon,” I patted his cheeks in an attempt to wake him up but he doesn’t budge. “Jongwoon,” I called again but there is still no response. “Jongwoon please open your eyes. Please open your eyes, Jongwoon. You can’t leave me!” I cried. I kept on patting his cheek but my effort is futile; his eyes remained closed. I wiped away my tears and pressed my ear against his chest. I can still hear it. It’s faint, but I can hear it. His heartbeat is still there. He’s not dead yet!
“Don’t worry, baby. Daddy’s going to save you. Daddy will save you, I promise,” I carried him and took him to my car. I switched on the hazard warning lights and sped away towards the hospital. I know I’m not much of a believer but if God really does exist, please save my son. He doesn’t deserve to die. Please, I’m begging you. Don’t take my son away from me!
My tears kept falling unstoppably as I prayed and prayed for Jongwoon’s health. I kept repeating the same mantra over and over again. I saw a police car following me but I didn’t care. I have to save my son’s life no matter what. I saw traffic build up about 50 meters in front of me and I decided to honk my horn. I can’t waste my time here. I need to save my son. I need to-
I looked to my right and saw the police car that had started to trail me a while ago. There were two police officers sitting inside. The one nearest to me asked signed me to roll down my window, and so I did.
“Hospital?” He asked. I don’t trust my voice so I just nodded. “Follow us to avoid this mess,” he ordered. Is this a miracle? Is this really a miracle? Are my prayers going to be answered? Again, I wiped my tears and concentrated on the road. I need to focus. My son needs me right now and I can’t fail him. I need to do this.
In less than five minutes, we reached the hospital. The police men escorted me inside as I carried Jongwoon towards the emergency room. I was crying too hard, and there were no words coming out of my mouth. Please help him. I don’t want him to die, so please help him. Please!
The nurses took him from me and placed him on a bed. They pushed him out of the room and towards the operating room. Why? Why are they taking him to the operating room? What’s wrong? What’s going on? I tried to get inside to see how Jongwoon was doing but the nurses blocked me. Even the police officers helped the nurses with holding me back, while I just kept on crying. Not a minute later, my phone rang. I answered it with my hands shaking and held it to my ear.
“Hey, Kyu, where are you? We’re supposed to be… Kyu, are you crying?” Eunhyuk asked. I opened my mouth to say something but still, no words came out. Hyuk, I need you here. Please come. “Where are you, Kyu?”
The officer must’ve seen me struggling to get the words out. “Hey, let me talk to him.” He grabbed the phone out of my hand and talked to Eunhyuk. “Good evening, sir. My name is Officer Kibum…” I heard him say. His partner just stood in front of me with arms crossed over his chest while I kept on crying. When Officer Kibum finished talking, he handed me back my phone and bid farewell. As soon as they were out of sight, I slid down the wall and sat down on the floor. There are benches not too far from me but I can’t even move. It was like all my energy was drained.
I stopped crying a few minutes later, but inside my head, I kept repeating a mantra: “Please save him. Please save my son,” I’ve been stupid. How can I take a nap like that? This is entirely my fault. If I hadn’t taken him in, he wouldn’t have been in this situation. If I haven’t met him three months ago, my life wouldn’t have changed. If only I…
“Kyuhyun!” I looked to my right and saw the couple running towards me. “Kyuhyun are you alright? Where’s Jongwoon?” Eunhyuk asked, he was kneeling down in front of me so he was able to look at me.
“Hyuk… h-he…” Tears started to flow again and soon I found myself wailing. Eunhyuk held me on his arms and consoled me like I’m a lost child. Indeed, I really am. I’m a lost child. I’m a lost child to begin with. Meeting Jongwoon-meeting my son-took me back on track and I found myself again. “I c-can’t l-lo-lose h-him H-hyuk. I-I n-nee-need h-him. I… I n-nee-need m-my s-son,” I mumbled.
An hour later, the operating room’s sign light turned off and the doctor emerged from the inside. “How is he, doc? Is he going to be okay?”
“Yes. We were afraid that he suffered from frost bite but that wasn’t the case. His heartbeat and blood pressure were dangerously low, and so was his temperature. We need to keep him here overnight for observation, until he awakes.”
“Thank you, doctor. Thank you for your hard work,” Donghae bowed to him while I was still lost. My mind blank-me being unable to think. I’m too exhausted; physically, mentally and emotionally.
“You heard that, Kyu? Your son’s going to be alright. Come on cheer up,” Eunhyuk patted my back.
“Hyuk, what if I hadn’t taken him in? What if I’d taken him back to his mother? What if I’d never met him? Would all of this still had happened?” I mumbled, which earned me a strong slap from Donghae.
“Yes, all of this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t met him. But did it occur to you that if you hadn’t met him you wouldn’t be this happy? If you hadn’t met him you would still be that insensitive, arrogant kangaroo that Hyuk and I had to put up with. If you hadn’t met him, would you cry like this? Would you show your emotions and be vulnerable for once?” He cupped my face and stared me in the eyes as tears rolled down on both of our cheeks. “Kyu, you’ve changed for the better and it’s all thanks to Jongwoon. It’s all thanks to your son. He brought color into your life. Stop thinking about the negative things. He’s alive and that’s what’s important. Do you understand me, Kyu?”
Yeah. Yeah, I do. I leaned my head on his chest and I let him hug me. “And if you hadn’t met Jongwoon, you would’ve never allowed me to hug you like this,” I heard Eunhyuk chuckle as Donghae hugged me even tighter.
.: | :.
Eunhyuk and Donghae allowed me to stay with Jongwoon. They couldn’t do anything about it because I’m too stubborn and I don’t want to leave my son. Yeah, finally I accept him as my son. He’s my cute little son and his name is Jongwoon. I held his hands and kissed his tiny little fingers one by one.
It took me this outrageous situation to finally accept him as my son. It almost cost him his life. I’ll try my best to fulfill the promise I made earlier. I’ll protect you and I’ll cherish you. Thank you, Jongwoon. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for existing. Thank you for changing me.
“D-daddy?”
I looked up and saw him looking at me. I feel myself tearing up again but I tried to stop it from happening. I stroke his hair gently while I used my other hand to hold his right hand close to my lips. “What is it, baby?”
“Where am I?”
“You’re in the hospital.”
“Why?”
Why? It’s because of me. I’m the reason why you’re here. I’m the reason why you’re in a hospital bed right now. If only I hadn’t forgotten about you, you wouldn’t have been here. If only I had been more responsible, you wouldn’t have been here.
“Daddy, are you sad? Why are you crying?” He asked as he wiped my tears.
“Jongwoon-ah, daddy is sorry. Sorry for forgetting. Sorry for neglecting. Sorry for realizing it too late. I’m really, really sorry baby. Will you forgive daddy? Will you give me a chance to be a better father to you?”
He looked at me in confusion. I don’t think a five-year old kid understands the words I’m saying. I should apologize to him again when he’s more grown up. Maybe then he would understand these words.
“Daddy?”
“Hmm?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course, baby.”
“Will y-you s-sing f-for m-me again?” I chuckled and pinched his cheeks lightly. I feel blessed having a kid like him. What did I ever do to deserve him? I’m so lucky. I cleared my throat and started singing. He watched me sing with a smile and I couldn’t help but tear up. I really am lucky.
.: | :.
It has been a month since the incident and so far I’ve managed to keep my promise. I tried my best to be a good father to Jongwoon and he seems happier. We’ve visited his mother. I asked her if I can have full custody of the child and she said yes. We even asked a lawyer to seal the deal. We’re still waiting for the result, since, according to my lawyer-and friend-Heechul, the process takes some time.
Eunhyuk and Donghae told me that ever since the incident I’ve changed big time. I became more caring and I’m no longer that insensitive kangaroo they’ve met back in high school. They visit Jongwoon from time to time to play with him and I’m happy that they do. At least they could keep my son company while I’m preoccupied with other stuff.
Right now, we’re on the playground and I’m watching him play with other kids. He still needs to interact with children his age. I sat on the bench not too far from him. His happy face and his laughter is enough to make my day. He may look tiny but he has a big heart, something he neither got from me nor his mother. Maybe his grandparents somehow taught him that.
“I see your son is doing fine,” said the man who took a seat beside me.
“What do you mean?”
“I saw you rushing him to the hospital the other night. I also saw you in the mall where you punched a man who happens to be my manager,” He chuckled. Manager? So he’s famous? An actor maybe? But I’m not into dramas or movies.
“Sorry about that. I didn’t mean it,” I scratched the back of my head in embarrassment. He laughed heartily while I blushed even more.
“It’s alright. He got what he deserved. He forced your son to come with him because he said your son was so handsome. He wanted to make him a star.” I see. So that’s what happened. “My name’s Yesung, by the way. And you are?”
“Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun, and that is my son Jongwoon. It’s a pleasure to meet you… Wait… Yesung? As in that famous singer?”
He guffawed. “Am I really that famous?”
“I’m a big fan of yours! I love your songs though I’m not really fond of music,” I exclaimed. Well, I am excited to finally meet the man with the artistic voice.
“Daddy!” I looked to my right and saw Jongwoon running towards me. I lifted him and sat him down on my lap.
“Are you done playing?”
“Yeah. Who is he, daddy?”
“He’s daddy’s friend. His name is Yesung. Say hi to him, baby.”
I expected to hear a cute ‘hi’ from Jongwoon, but as usual, he did something completely outrageous. He stood up from my lap and walked over to Yesung. He cupped the singer’s face and gave him a peck on the lips making Yesung and I widen our eyes.
“Jongwoon!” I exclaimed in horror. I immediately grabbed him and apologized to Yesung. Jongwoon crawled back to the singer and hugged him. “Jongwoon, please leave the poor man alone.”
“Daddy, I like him. Can he be my daddy, too? Please? I know you’re lonely because mommy is with her friend,” I widened my eyes even more in horror. Is this kid really just five? I heard Yesung guffawed and it made me blush.
“What a cute kid you have here. He’s really smart for his age.” He praised as he ruffled Jongwoon’s hair.
“Yeah, that’s what his teachers say.” I smiled-or so I think I did. Jongwoon kissed him again which made me frown. Yesung didn’t notice it though, because his phone rang.
“I need to go now. It was really nice knowing you, Kyuhyun as well as this little guy right here. Here’s my number. Call me whenever okay? I want to meet you and your son again.” He walked back to his car and I saw him wave at me. I looked down at the card and easily memorized his number. Well, this is a start of something new. I smiled at myself. I really am lucky.