ANXIETY stolen from
Main Entry: anx·i·ety
Pronunciation: a[ng]-'zI-&-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -eties
Etymology: Latin anxietas, from anxius
Date: circa 1525
1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety
2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
it's funny how sometimes you come across something that makes you think the exact opposite of what you would normally think. i find it hard to accept when other people say that they have an anxiety problem or "disorder". despite that, i expect others to believe me when, ofttimes, they don't ever get to see it. part of why they don't see it lies in the fact that very few people ever spend any real amount of time around me at all. the other part is that i have accepted the fact that there is a hitch in my daily life and have set to work on smoothing it out. i'm not done and i'm not perfect. i'm not trying to be. i'm just trying to live day by day and get through as best i can with the help of the one i love.
karl has been fabulous about my "issues". he agrees that they are there and are a cause for concern, but he won't let me run them into "cannots" where at all possible. his unending devotion to me, even while unproductive in the nicest sense, reminds me of why i have chosen to marry him, despite the little things.
we've have a problem recently. i've finally made it known just how i feel about some of the activities he's chosen and how he balances our lives. i think that i overreacted a bit, because i was pretty upset. more upset than i wanted to be or show. i don't like hurting karl. unfortunately, stinging him with reality is often the only way he's willing to open his eyes and see it. i've tried everything i can think of a half-dozen times. even he cannot say (and has not said) that i haven't tried something else. i continue to try "something else". i usually end up in tears, telling him exactly what i am thinking, without any sugarcoating, or he ends up in tears. if i am not already crying, and he starts, my emotions shut off to allow me to comfort him. i can't help it. sometimes i'm too calculating and too aware of the psychological effects of all i say and do. often, i just want that innate knowledge to go away. that way, i'm not calculating every for effect and consequence and such.
i love karl. i just hope that we can find the middle ground where he can defend against my nature tendency. i was raised to be cold and calculating in my effect on people. i fight against it, because i know how much it hurts; i feel it too. i've come a long way in recent years, but i can feel myself backsliding into the blizzard i left behind. if i am not careful, i will hurt people just to see them react. not just no, but hell no. i have to be careful. parts of me shut down to allow this, but i will not allow them to shut down.
never again.
signed, *paw-print* the Fitz
Pronunciation: a[ng]-'zI-&-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -eties
Etymology: Latin anxietas, from anxius
Date: circa 1525
1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety
2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one's capacity to cope with it
it's funny how sometimes you come across something that makes you think the exact opposite of what you would normally think. i find it hard to accept when other people say that they have an anxiety problem or "disorder". despite that, i expect others to believe me when, ofttimes, they don't ever get to see it. part of why they don't see it lies in the fact that very few people ever spend any real amount of time around me at all. the other part is that i have accepted the fact that there is a hitch in my daily life and have set to work on smoothing it out. i'm not done and i'm not perfect. i'm not trying to be. i'm just trying to live day by day and get through as best i can with the help of the one i love.
karl has been fabulous about my "issues". he agrees that they are there and are a cause for concern, but he won't let me run them into "cannots" where at all possible. his unending devotion to me, even while unproductive in the nicest sense, reminds me of why i have chosen to marry him, despite the little things.
we've have a problem recently. i've finally made it known just how i feel about some of the activities he's chosen and how he balances our lives. i think that i overreacted a bit, because i was pretty upset. more upset than i wanted to be or show. i don't like hurting karl. unfortunately, stinging him with reality is often the only way he's willing to open his eyes and see it. i've tried everything i can think of a half-dozen times. even he cannot say (and has not said) that i haven't tried something else. i continue to try "something else". i usually end up in tears, telling him exactly what i am thinking, without any sugarcoating, or he ends up in tears. if i am not already crying, and he starts, my emotions shut off to allow me to comfort him. i can't help it. sometimes i'm too calculating and too aware of the psychological effects of all i say and do. often, i just want that innate knowledge to go away. that way, i'm not calculating every for effect and consequence and such.
i love karl. i just hope that we can find the middle ground where he can defend against my nature tendency. i was raised to be cold and calculating in my effect on people. i fight against it, because i know how much it hurts; i feel it too. i've come a long way in recent years, but i can feel myself backsliding into the blizzard i left behind. if i am not careful, i will hurt people just to see them react. not just no, but hell no. i have to be careful. parts of me shut down to allow this, but i will not allow them to shut down.
never again.
signed, *paw-print* the Fitz