Emotionally unstable.
I'm really fucking tired of feeling like I'm back in high school again. Smoking pot was the solution to emotional problems then and I can't do that right now (or for the next eighteen months). Trying to make Karl understand that he CAN'T tak le every fucking tiny little thing personally hasn't been working out so well.
Karl is very emotionally sensitive. I get it. Being pregnant, however, I am very unstable at times. There is a pattern; this comes on often at dusk, otherwise it's triggered by some minor annoyance and lasts a few hours. I asked to just be left alone for a bit, to calm down and relax enough to not want to kick him in his goddamn useless testicles. He wouldn't just walk away. Worst is, I know why: I've always told him never to walk away from an upsetting situation or to let me walk away.
I figured it was obvious when I told him to go somewhere else until he calms down a bit. But no, he just sat there and stared at me, confused and stuttering. He didn't understand why a brief separation was necessary, even after I reminded him (for the third or fourth time this conversation) that my emotions are more or less spontaneous or unstable. I just wanted to calm down without him sitting there, staring at me like I might turn into a purple people eater come to rend his soul.
I'm having a really hard time with control, but I don't really want to admit it. I don't want counselling, I don't want pills; I just want to be left alone when I need it and a chance to socialize otherwise. I can't seem to get Karl to understand I'm not fucking joking about this: I really am not perfect and not in control. He always seems to think I'm just exaggerating to "prepare" him for it. I warned him it was going to get bad... He just consistently refuses to believe me.
It's getting to the point where I might need to stay somewhere else for a while. Unfortunately, I don't have any place to do that and no one is going to hire a woman four months pregnant. I don't like it when I'm alone all day, but the longer Karl is unemployed, the more I want to yell at him.
I hoped this would calm me down and it mostly has. Unfortunately, I still have to calm my pathetic partner down and explain myself, again. It's hard to be calm when I have to do this once a week or so. And to think, in a few short months, there will be a baby to contend with as well.
Signed, *paw-print* the Fitz