sometimes life sucker punches
I keep meaning to post, just because I know there is at least one person who looks. Anyway, it's probably good for me; somehow.
Long standing grief; it comes down to an emotional issue of mine from my earliest memories. I just plain don't belong. My entire life, I've felt out of place, no matter where I am or who I'm around. People often say that they accept me just fine, but I doubt they understand what I mean when I say it. It's not just a matter of being able to fit in with people or be able to be somewhere without feeling awkward. It is something inside that either is or is not. Unfortunately, I've never discovered any middle ground to speak.
I've spent a lot of time lying to myself, enjoying the fleeting moments of not feeling like I'm standing outside the shop staring in. Sometimes, it's not nearly so difficult as others. There are times when I am reminded is less than kind ways. It's always a matter of me, of course; it is my issue and I am the one who must deal with it. It's generally not something I want to explain. Very few people really seem to understand what I mean by feeling alone. Whenever I do try to explain, I get the usual simple condolences.
"Oh, it's okay, really." "It can't be that bad, right?" "I accept you, so that's good, right?"
No, guys. It's not like that. One person cannot make the world feel right. No one being has been able to help me feel as though I am not an intruder in this world, walking around in a daze, waiting for the shadows to reclaim me. I get a lot of: "you're being melodramatic." Maybe, but it's my feelings that matter to me. I haven't been able to change it, my entire life, and I don't know how to work against it now.
In my heart, I've never felt at home even in my own home. Even my husband cannot change that for me. I've tried to be content with what I have and who I am, but it's always temporary. How do I fix it, make it better? No idea. Can I ignore it? No.
Signed, *paw-print* the Fitz
Long standing grief; it comes down to an emotional issue of mine from my earliest memories. I just plain don't belong. My entire life, I've felt out of place, no matter where I am or who I'm around. People often say that they accept me just fine, but I doubt they understand what I mean when I say it. It's not just a matter of being able to fit in with people or be able to be somewhere without feeling awkward. It is something inside that either is or is not. Unfortunately, I've never discovered any middle ground to speak.
I've spent a lot of time lying to myself, enjoying the fleeting moments of not feeling like I'm standing outside the shop staring in. Sometimes, it's not nearly so difficult as others. There are times when I am reminded is less than kind ways. It's always a matter of me, of course; it is my issue and I am the one who must deal with it. It's generally not something I want to explain. Very few people really seem to understand what I mean by feeling alone. Whenever I do try to explain, I get the usual simple condolences.
"Oh, it's okay, really." "It can't be that bad, right?" "I accept you, so that's good, right?"
No, guys. It's not like that. One person cannot make the world feel right. No one being has been able to help me feel as though I am not an intruder in this world, walking around in a daze, waiting for the shadows to reclaim me. I get a lot of: "you're being melodramatic." Maybe, but it's my feelings that matter to me. I haven't been able to change it, my entire life, and I don't know how to work against it now.
In my heart, I've never felt at home even in my own home. Even my husband cannot change that for me. I've tried to be content with what I have and who I am, but it's always temporary. How do I fix it, make it better? No idea. Can I ignore it? No.
Signed, *paw-print* the Fitz