(no subject)
i know what it is, why i'm here.
i think.
it seems to me a need to be what others can't find, when i find a feel for want in them.
and for this i put myself in harm's way. i give the experience of love, and eventually will move on when it becomes a mess for me to sort through my feelings and the deep habits of others not used to feeling, but maybe it's been enough to push them forward.
its tearing me apart. i don't want to find love. or atleast i feel. as much so that i believe it's important to have found the source of this cycle. it is not love that i fear and shy of. it is not an inevitability that love will fail, though blinded i should feel so. but fear of finding love for someone who is in need of it. who does not know it. they who might fear it; not understand it. it is this that is straining. if i am not clear to my own actions and intentions, i will believe an understanding stems from the pain of not being enough to those i love. ever. when the truth is i would never be enough to change a life within a time that's bearable. or even known. i am silently hoping my entrance into someone's life can be a catalyst for a truth of love. it is not limitless when you must love yourself - your life - in kind. will i have been enough for them? and still i have to wonder, where will i find someone who's ahead of me...
i think.
it seems to me a need to be what others can't find, when i find a feel for want in them.
and for this i put myself in harm's way. i give the experience of love, and eventually will move on when it becomes a mess for me to sort through my feelings and the deep habits of others not used to feeling, but maybe it's been enough to push them forward.
its tearing me apart. i don't want to find love. or atleast i feel. as much so that i believe it's important to have found the source of this cycle. it is not love that i fear and shy of. it is not an inevitability that love will fail, though blinded i should feel so. but fear of finding love for someone who is in need of it. who does not know it. they who might fear it; not understand it. it is this that is straining. if i am not clear to my own actions and intentions, i will believe an understanding stems from the pain of not being enough to those i love. ever. when the truth is i would never be enough to change a life within a time that's bearable. or even known. i am silently hoping my entrance into someone's life can be a catalyst for a truth of love. it is not limitless when you must love yourself - your life - in kind. will i have been enough for them? and still i have to wonder, where will i find someone who's ahead of me...