Parenting Affirmations
I have had discussions with 2 people over the last 24 hours that made me feel better as both a parent and a person.
The first one was with my boss. I was telling her how worried I am that The Boy is failing school and has no ambition or concept of responsibility and now that he is 18, he has sees no reason to do the things I want him to do. He isn't unpleasant about it, he just doesn't care. I think he has the same mental illnesses that plague his older brother and his birth parents, but because he has lied about his symptoms in both his psych evals, he is not getting any treatment.
My boss sympathized with me and then pointed out that I am modeling the appropriate behavior for him. I'm being the type of person I want him to be and I have let him know that I will help him find the services he needs to become independent. It's his choice and no is an option.
The second conversation was with the church friend who took The Boy's brother for 9 months when he was 17 and totally out of control. We were having the same conversation and he told me that The Boy's problems were due to lack of parental discipline and if I hadn't spoiled him so badly, he would be a better kid. Usually I just take this and seethe afterward, but this time I calmly pointed out that The Boy's behavior was almost identical to his brother's, except for the intense anger Son #2 had towards me and that he (Son #2) had been been punished for his behavior to the point that by the time he went to live with my friend, he had nothing left to lose. While he lived with them, he was less disrespectful because he didn't hate them like he did me, but he wasn't anymore obedient or less sneaky, facts my friend agreed were true.
What I emphasized to my friend is that while I have made a lot of parenting mistakes, I haven't made anymore than any other parent. My kids never had a discipline problem, they had emotional and mental problems that masqueraded as discipline problems. Had I parented children without mental problems using the same parenting techniques I used when the kids first came, the results would have been a lot different than what happened.
The Boy loves me, but doesn't have the ability to make good decisions, yet. I can't discipline his brain into maturity or punish him so his brain works right. And after 20 years of parenting, I finally know this to be true. It's not a measure of my parenting, it's a just a sad reality. My kids do not think straight. It's not their fault, it's not my fault, it just is. And so, while my friend's comment was unfairly critical, because I rejected the identity he was going to ascribe to me and I forced him to acknowledge that I was right about Son #2, I'm counting it on the plus side of my personal ledger.
The first one was with my boss. I was telling her how worried I am that The Boy is failing school and has no ambition or concept of responsibility and now that he is 18, he has sees no reason to do the things I want him to do. He isn't unpleasant about it, he just doesn't care. I think he has the same mental illnesses that plague his older brother and his birth parents, but because he has lied about his symptoms in both his psych evals, he is not getting any treatment.
My boss sympathized with me and then pointed out that I am modeling the appropriate behavior for him. I'm being the type of person I want him to be and I have let him know that I will help him find the services he needs to become independent. It's his choice and no is an option.
The second conversation was with the church friend who took The Boy's brother for 9 months when he was 17 and totally out of control. We were having the same conversation and he told me that The Boy's problems were due to lack of parental discipline and if I hadn't spoiled him so badly, he would be a better kid. Usually I just take this and seethe afterward, but this time I calmly pointed out that The Boy's behavior was almost identical to his brother's, except for the intense anger Son #2 had towards me and that he (Son #2) had been been punished for his behavior to the point that by the time he went to live with my friend, he had nothing left to lose. While he lived with them, he was less disrespectful because he didn't hate them like he did me, but he wasn't anymore obedient or less sneaky, facts my friend agreed were true.
What I emphasized to my friend is that while I have made a lot of parenting mistakes, I haven't made anymore than any other parent. My kids never had a discipline problem, they had emotional and mental problems that masqueraded as discipline problems. Had I parented children without mental problems using the same parenting techniques I used when the kids first came, the results would have been a lot different than what happened.
The Boy loves me, but doesn't have the ability to make good decisions, yet. I can't discipline his brain into maturity or punish him so his brain works right. And after 20 years of parenting, I finally know this to be true. It's not a measure of my parenting, it's a just a sad reality. My kids do not think straight. It's not their fault, it's not my fault, it just is. And so, while my friend's comment was unfairly critical, because I rejected the identity he was going to ascribe to me and I forced him to acknowledge that I was right about Son #2, I'm counting it on the plus side of my personal ledger.