so much change
its amazing how much things change in our lives without us really taking the time to stop and see how different things are now than they were back then.... ya know.. back in the day... that one time...whatever.
my moms birthday is tomorrow. she would be 45.
im still not dealing with it the way i feel like i should. i still have so many unresolved issues surrounding her death. im going to see a counselor next week for a session to see if i like her and if i think she could help me. i chose her pretty randomly, she was on my insurance's website and i really just clicked on one. i hope she works out. i really feel like im finally growing up. i look back at the things that i used to do for a good time and i find myself really moving on from a lot of it. not that ive gone recently but i remember when the best time i could have was going to a rave, getting high, and staying up all night. then i would go to the church on the weekends and get stupidly drunk and party all night. now dont get me wrong, i loved those times and i wouldnt trade them for anything but i really have no desire to do that again.
i can see de-evolving and reverting back to them occasionally just for old time's sake. but i have no DRIVE to be that way anymore. ok well i dont think i could ever go back to a rave. that shits just way too... something. but whatever it is, its not me. id much rather go have a few drinks with some friends and call it good.
i want to start taking advantage of the beautiful state that i live in. i want to start hiking, i want to really go camping this year.
all the usuall stuff that worries me and gets under my skin doesnt seem that monumental anymore. im feeling pretty laid back. im starting to manage my money a lot better. i used to be willing to take the overdraft fee on my bank acct if it meant that i could go to a movie with anna and be able to treat her. the money was worth it. im not saying that it isnt now, but i have to be strong and accept the fact that sometimes i just cant do it. that i have to save my money. i really have a future i need to start thinking about. something i should have done a long time ago. i guess its because i had to grow up so fast that when i truely became an adult, i did everything i could to stay a kid. i always felt like i was robbed of a childhood. i just wanted to make up for it. thats why i buy all the toys. and just throw my money away.
im finally beginning to keep it under wraps. i dont have a negative balance three days before payday anymore. i dont have a negative balance at all. there was a fraud incident with my account a few weeks ago, but that has been resolved. im eating better. not the healthy way i should be, but im eating better. today was the first day in over a month that ive eatten fast food. i only did it because i didnt feel like eating the sandwich that i packed for my dinner. (im in vail right now on a project, home is an hour and a half away, im staying in the "conundrum retreat") i remember why i dont east fast food anymore. ive cut way down on the energy drinks again. i hope this time i can quit them for good. im down to two or three a week. theres a huge money saver right there.
anna and i still talk. we're still friends. we're in this little land in between friends and something else. i dont know what it is really. it sucks. its also really hard to be so far apart and try to be anything else. when i talk to her she tells me about what shes doing, how her life is going and all the things she does with her friends. im glad she out and having a good time. it sucks that i cant really be a part of it, or her. but thats just kinda where life has taken me. we've both kinda given eachother the 'i understand if you want to see other people' speech. i havent really been interested in anyone else. im not naive enough to think that she hasnt been out there dating a little bit. i know she says that she hasnt but i get that deep feeling in my stomach that she's saying that just so she wont hurt my feelings but id rather i know the truth. i knw shes probably going to read this and it will probably spark the 'you dont trust me' argument again. thats not what im doing and thats not what i mean to say. its not that i dont trust her. im just saying that i have that feeling. ive had that in my gut for a while. i just have. i keep thinking about this time we went out to goth night at the milkbar a while back. it was dawn, dana, rachel, nichole, anna, and i. when we were there two different guys came up and hit on anna while i was standing right next to her. i played it off pretty ok...i think.. i dint say anything, i just let her do her thing, i saw her motion at me and obviouly telling the guy that she was at least there with me or something to that effect. and that made me feel good but it also mad me think about what she does when im not there. i know girls let guys buy them drinks all the time, hell why not right? but i often wonder how far that goes. i want her to have fun and do what makes her happy. i know that things with me right now dont. so i really dont see any reason why she wouldnt. or maybe im just trying to use a twisted sense of logic to justify my completly illogical feelings. i dont know. i just cant see why she wouldnt. is it because maybe she can see thru my false sense of security and see that i am pretty insecure right now and dont have a very good self image? or maybe im falling back on that myself and using that as a justification for my ideas about her dating outside of me. i truly hope things work out between anna and i. im trying really hard to make it so. if they dont, i know things will eventually be ok. i know that ill always have her in my life. we've been friends for so long, i know we cant ever not be friends. i hope we can be together again...or more... or at least more than we are/arent now....whatever this is. days like this kill me tho. the days where we dont talk. i at least send her a text almost every morning. on the mornings i dont, i send one right before lunch and most of the time she replies. if i dont send her a message in the morning. i dont talk to her at all durring the day. she always says that whenever we talk its only me returning her phone calls. thats not really true. i could get into the technical details of my phone and the service coverage i have in steamboat, but its not that interesting. needless to say, thats not really how it works. i just wish that sometimes id get that text message in the morning. ya know, the one that wasnt a programmed response.... i know its just a silly little thing, but its a silly little thing that gets me.
i guess this is all stuff to bring up to the psycholgist.
the job is good. i kinda got shafet on the move up. im kicking myself for not seeing it before i came up, things were a little too chaotic for me to really examine what i was getting myself into. unfortunately, my raise doesnt cover my increase in rent. im also having to pay back what they gave me to move up here. something that i really dont think i should have to do. im also driving my own car for work. they pay for gas, but i drive an acura, not exactly a construction friendly vehicle. also not great in three foot snow. im putting a lot of wear and tear on the car and im really starting to see it. ive got tools in my back seat... my leather seats. the trunk is packed full, im easilly pulling an extra 600-650 lbs of crap in the thing. my rear shocks are pretty shot. im not happy. ive been pushing to get a work truck for me but i need to push harder. ive been one to just kinda lay down and take whatever my employer throws at me because ive always felt like i should be thankfull that i have a job and in these trying times, i know i should, but i cant let myself be taken advantage of either. just more stuff on the to-do list.
all in all, i am feeling good about things. i feel like this is going to be a good year. i have a semisonic song stuck in my head....this will be my year. and it will.
my moms birthday is tomorrow. she would be 45.
im still not dealing with it the way i feel like i should. i still have so many unresolved issues surrounding her death. im going to see a counselor next week for a session to see if i like her and if i think she could help me. i chose her pretty randomly, she was on my insurance's website and i really just clicked on one. i hope she works out. i really feel like im finally growing up. i look back at the things that i used to do for a good time and i find myself really moving on from a lot of it. not that ive gone recently but i remember when the best time i could have was going to a rave, getting high, and staying up all night. then i would go to the church on the weekends and get stupidly drunk and party all night. now dont get me wrong, i loved those times and i wouldnt trade them for anything but i really have no desire to do that again.
i can see de-evolving and reverting back to them occasionally just for old time's sake. but i have no DRIVE to be that way anymore. ok well i dont think i could ever go back to a rave. that shits just way too... something. but whatever it is, its not me. id much rather go have a few drinks with some friends and call it good.
i want to start taking advantage of the beautiful state that i live in. i want to start hiking, i want to really go camping this year.
all the usuall stuff that worries me and gets under my skin doesnt seem that monumental anymore. im feeling pretty laid back. im starting to manage my money a lot better. i used to be willing to take the overdraft fee on my bank acct if it meant that i could go to a movie with anna and be able to treat her. the money was worth it. im not saying that it isnt now, but i have to be strong and accept the fact that sometimes i just cant do it. that i have to save my money. i really have a future i need to start thinking about. something i should have done a long time ago. i guess its because i had to grow up so fast that when i truely became an adult, i did everything i could to stay a kid. i always felt like i was robbed of a childhood. i just wanted to make up for it. thats why i buy all the toys. and just throw my money away.
im finally beginning to keep it under wraps. i dont have a negative balance three days before payday anymore. i dont have a negative balance at all. there was a fraud incident with my account a few weeks ago, but that has been resolved. im eating better. not the healthy way i should be, but im eating better. today was the first day in over a month that ive eatten fast food. i only did it because i didnt feel like eating the sandwich that i packed for my dinner. (im in vail right now on a project, home is an hour and a half away, im staying in the "conundrum retreat") i remember why i dont east fast food anymore. ive cut way down on the energy drinks again. i hope this time i can quit them for good. im down to two or three a week. theres a huge money saver right there.
anna and i still talk. we're still friends. we're in this little land in between friends and something else. i dont know what it is really. it sucks. its also really hard to be so far apart and try to be anything else. when i talk to her she tells me about what shes doing, how her life is going and all the things she does with her friends. im glad she out and having a good time. it sucks that i cant really be a part of it, or her. but thats just kinda where life has taken me. we've both kinda given eachother the 'i understand if you want to see other people' speech. i havent really been interested in anyone else. im not naive enough to think that she hasnt been out there dating a little bit. i know she says that she hasnt but i get that deep feeling in my stomach that she's saying that just so she wont hurt my feelings but id rather i know the truth. i knw shes probably going to read this and it will probably spark the 'you dont trust me' argument again. thats not what im doing and thats not what i mean to say. its not that i dont trust her. im just saying that i have that feeling. ive had that in my gut for a while. i just have. i keep thinking about this time we went out to goth night at the milkbar a while back. it was dawn, dana, rachel, nichole, anna, and i. when we were there two different guys came up and hit on anna while i was standing right next to her. i played it off pretty ok...i think.. i dint say anything, i just let her do her thing, i saw her motion at me and obviouly telling the guy that she was at least there with me or something to that effect. and that made me feel good but it also mad me think about what she does when im not there. i know girls let guys buy them drinks all the time, hell why not right? but i often wonder how far that goes. i want her to have fun and do what makes her happy. i know that things with me right now dont. so i really dont see any reason why she wouldnt. or maybe im just trying to use a twisted sense of logic to justify my completly illogical feelings. i dont know. i just cant see why she wouldnt. is it because maybe she can see thru my false sense of security and see that i am pretty insecure right now and dont have a very good self image? or maybe im falling back on that myself and using that as a justification for my ideas about her dating outside of me. i truly hope things work out between anna and i. im trying really hard to make it so. if they dont, i know things will eventually be ok. i know that ill always have her in my life. we've been friends for so long, i know we cant ever not be friends. i hope we can be together again...or more... or at least more than we are/arent now....whatever this is. days like this kill me tho. the days where we dont talk. i at least send her a text almost every morning. on the mornings i dont, i send one right before lunch and most of the time she replies. if i dont send her a message in the morning. i dont talk to her at all durring the day. she always says that whenever we talk its only me returning her phone calls. thats not really true. i could get into the technical details of my phone and the service coverage i have in steamboat, but its not that interesting. needless to say, thats not really how it works. i just wish that sometimes id get that text message in the morning. ya know, the one that wasnt a programmed response.... i know its just a silly little thing, but its a silly little thing that gets me.
i guess this is all stuff to bring up to the psycholgist.
the job is good. i kinda got shafet on the move up. im kicking myself for not seeing it before i came up, things were a little too chaotic for me to really examine what i was getting myself into. unfortunately, my raise doesnt cover my increase in rent. im also having to pay back what they gave me to move up here. something that i really dont think i should have to do. im also driving my own car for work. they pay for gas, but i drive an acura, not exactly a construction friendly vehicle. also not great in three foot snow. im putting a lot of wear and tear on the car and im really starting to see it. ive got tools in my back seat... my leather seats. the trunk is packed full, im easilly pulling an extra 600-650 lbs of crap in the thing. my rear shocks are pretty shot. im not happy. ive been pushing to get a work truck for me but i need to push harder. ive been one to just kinda lay down and take whatever my employer throws at me because ive always felt like i should be thankfull that i have a job and in these trying times, i know i should, but i cant let myself be taken advantage of either. just more stuff on the to-do list.
all in all, i am feeling good about things. i feel like this is going to be a good year. i have a semisonic song stuck in my head....this will be my year. and it will.