No strings attached...
I am so tired of always feeling like I owe someone something. like I have to give a part of me to make up for the trouble or inconvienence I give.
It's always something isn't it?
And it's not like i'm not grateful...I am.
But just once I want something with no strings attached.
Thats probably why I love animals so much. No strings. they give. they take. and thats the way it is. They don't 'owe' each other something, they don't hold it over each others head, they just do it. A mother wolf doesn't hold the fact that she brought her pups into the world over them, and if they misbehave she can take them out of it. She just is. They just are.
Me, I feel like I owe everyone something. Even the people I pass on the street. Who I don't know. Who don't know me. Who have no inkling who I am.
I always owe someone something.
My parents, it's to see their child happy and thriving.
if they only knew how twisted that statement can be made to be...
I know how much my therapy costs. The drugs that keep me 'passibly normal' arn't cheap either. food. clothing. gas. cars. a whole list of things.
They say I owe them nothing.
But that sweet little sword of guilt stabs at my heart every time I look at them, slowly eating away at my heart...
It's like watching yourself bleed to death, but so slowly you'd never know your dying...
And it's easy to hide.
Oh it's so easy to hide.
just paint a smile on and pretend.
It's so easy. just tell them what they want to hear. pretend to be what they want to see. and everytime you smile, that sword lodges deeper.
such sweet agony.
sweet, sweet agony.
but it's worth it, because they are happy. It's the least I can do, for always taking what I can't pay back, for always owing a irrepayable debt.
To let them be happy for a while.
It lessons my guilt...
The feelings of jealousy, of sadness, it makes it go away for a while...it makes the sword becaome someone holding me, loving me, taking care of me and only me...
And I don't have to pay them back...
I don't owe them anything.
And I love that feeling.
I love the feeling that I don't have to fight a losing battle every day just to get out of bed.
That I can just be...
I know if I tell my parents or friends this they'll deny that I owe them anything...
I wish they wouldn't lie.
I owe them so much.
I know I owe them so much.
And I will never be able to repay them.
But I'll try.
And I'll die a infiniti of little deaths...
So they can continue on oblivious to those deaths and be happy.
Be happy for me...
And maybe...maybe I'll repay some of those debts...
And it will be my turn to be happy...
With no strings attached.
- Kat
It's always something isn't it?
And it's not like i'm not grateful...I am.
But just once I want something with no strings attached.
Thats probably why I love animals so much. No strings. they give. they take. and thats the way it is. They don't 'owe' each other something, they don't hold it over each others head, they just do it. A mother wolf doesn't hold the fact that she brought her pups into the world over them, and if they misbehave she can take them out of it. She just is. They just are.
Me, I feel like I owe everyone something. Even the people I pass on the street. Who I don't know. Who don't know me. Who have no inkling who I am.
I always owe someone something.
My parents, it's to see their child happy and thriving.
if they only knew how twisted that statement can be made to be...
I know how much my therapy costs. The drugs that keep me 'passibly normal' arn't cheap either. food. clothing. gas. cars. a whole list of things.
They say I owe them nothing.
But that sweet little sword of guilt stabs at my heart every time I look at them, slowly eating away at my heart...
It's like watching yourself bleed to death, but so slowly you'd never know your dying...
And it's easy to hide.
Oh it's so easy to hide.
just paint a smile on and pretend.
It's so easy. just tell them what they want to hear. pretend to be what they want to see. and everytime you smile, that sword lodges deeper.
such sweet agony.
sweet, sweet agony.
but it's worth it, because they are happy. It's the least I can do, for always taking what I can't pay back, for always owing a irrepayable debt.
To let them be happy for a while.
It lessons my guilt...
The feelings of jealousy, of sadness, it makes it go away for a while...it makes the sword becaome someone holding me, loving me, taking care of me and only me...
And I don't have to pay them back...
I don't owe them anything.
And I love that feeling.
I love the feeling that I don't have to fight a losing battle every day just to get out of bed.
That I can just be...
I know if I tell my parents or friends this they'll deny that I owe them anything...
I wish they wouldn't lie.
I owe them so much.
I know I owe them so much.
And I will never be able to repay them.
But I'll try.
And I'll die a infiniti of little deaths...
So they can continue on oblivious to those deaths and be happy.
Be happy for me...
And maybe...maybe I'll repay some of those debts...
And it will be my turn to be happy...
With no strings attached.
- Kat