Whoever the woman who'd accosted him was, she could not be described as demure or modest by any stretch of the imagination. She partly looked like she wanted to have him for both dinner and dessert, and while it wasn't a look Jim was unfamiliar with, he'd rarely seen it displayed with such... Intensity would probably be the polite word.
Jim offered her a drink and took a healthy gulp of his own, feeling he'd need it if she did what he thought she might and latched onto him for the rest of the evening. So he smiled and laughed politely at her jokes, and if his smile was just the tiniest bit forced, well... Winona Kirk had done her best to instill proper manners in her sons, but had always said her youngest was a lost cause when it came to knowing how to behave in polite society.
It was only when she reached for his hand and asked - no demanded that she be allowed to read his palm that the penny dropped. Of course! This was Nyota's aunt, the one who was fond of fortunetelling and voodoo. He gently, but firmly withdrew his hand. "Thank you, but I'd really rather not know what's in the cards for me."
The moment the words had left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. He desperately tried to change the subject, asking her where she was from since she had such an interesting accent, but she was apparently not so easily deterred.
Just as he was starting to sweat and was considering the ramifications of telling her off, help appeared in the form of Nyota. She'd never looked more like an angel of mercy to him, and he couldn't stop the wide smile that spread over his face as she seamlessly intervened.
"Especially those who don't want their fortune told, it appears," he muttered under his breath, then forced his smile back into 'charming and polite'. "Thank you for your concern, Miss Uhura. Tell me, are you two related? The different accents threw me off, but beauty like what I have in front of me con only run in the family." It was cheesy, it was trite, but it had to throw the aunt from hell off the scent. And it wasn't entirely untrue, he did have an extraordinary beauty in front of him. It just only pertained to the woman who wasn't doing her best impression of a Christmas tree, decorated and coiffed to within an inch of her life.
Jim's smile actually made her heart skip a beat. I love him. I love him for looking at me like I'm his savior simply for stopping my Aunt from telling his fortune. It took her only a moment to recognize the thought for what it was: just one more answer to the question, How did you know you loved him? She had once asked her mother that same question about her father, and her mother's reply had been, In a million different ways. Nyota's eyes had widened as she asked almost breathlessly for her mother to name them. Her mother laughed and promised to give Nyota another reason each time she asked the question. It was a game they'd played, and Nyota knew that she wasn't anywhere near the end of the list when her mother had been taken away from her. And now... now she had a list for Jim, growing every day, every moment. I love him for the way his eyes light up when he smiles.
Ignoring these thoughts as best she could, she let her smile turn slightly bemused at Jim's comment, even if there was a strange twinge in her chest that he was calling her Miss Uhura again. He had to call her that, of course, but she so loved the way he said Nyota. “I don't know what he's talking about, Shangazi. My beauty doesn't hold a candle to yours,” she said seriously to her aunt, a glint of mischief in her eyes. Adimu looked a little ridiculous in her bright colors, but Nyota thought it suited her, even though she was eternally glad that she was dressed in a simple silver-blue dress.
Her aunt laughed and pinched her cheek fondly. “Tu es la plus belle, mon bijou,” she repied, and then turned that slightly concerning look on Jim again. “I'm Nyota's aunt. And you must call me Adimu,” she insisted, probably not for the first time.
Seeing that her aunt wasn't going to let go of Jim so easily, Nyota held out her own hand as a consolation prize. “Why don't you read my palm, Shangazi? It's been ages since you've told my fortune.”
Her aunt grinned at the offer and swiveled in her chair to reach for Nyota's hand. Nyota simply smiled bemusedly, because intuitive as her aunt could sometimes be, there was no such thing as magic. “Fortune-telling” was guesswork and nothing more, and she was perfectly willing to indulge it if it made her aunt happy and kept Jim safe.
Adimu ran bejeweled fingers over her palm and nodded thoughtfully in consideration. “Ah, yes,” she murmured. “Your fate line... You will face a difficult fate, and it is so very close to your life line in the middle. I cannot yet tell if you must sacrifice your own wishes for the sake of others. And this... I've seen it before, but it has never been so important as now, mon bijou. You have only one marriage line, only one deep love. And whoever this man is you will fall in love with him soon, if you have not already. It will not be easy for you, but the love is deep and strong.”
Nyota nodded along, only half listening to her aunt's explanation, even if the mention of one deep love made her ears perk up a little. It was nearly impossible to keep from glancing at Jim, but she kept her eyes firmly trained on her palm. “Well that's not the happiest fortune I've ever heard,” she replied lightly, firmly reminding herself that this was all nonsense.
Jim watched the exchange between aunt and niece with a certain amount of amusement, catching the glint of mischief in Nyota's eyes. To anyone else, she appeared serious and her actions were so proper it was almost ridiculous. But that little glint of something else redeemed her in his eyes, and he couldn't help an answering glint from stealing its way into his own eyes.
"Bien sur, Madame Adimu," he smiled, his eyes never leaving Nyota. He'd thought and said that red suited her, but the blue and silver of her dress was perfect for her. She'd never need to resort to the sort of excessive ornamentation her aunt seemed fond of, she shone in and of herself. "I'd never dare contradict a captivating woman such as yourself."
While Adimu seemed adequately charmed by his words, he was relatively sure Nyota would pick up on the double meaning. There was no lie in it, he just didn't mean 'captivating' in quite the way Adimu had chosen to understand it.
Nyota offered her hand to her aunt and Jim had to stifle the urge to tell her she should do it just to get him off the hook. But since it appeared she'd done it before, he held his tongue and used the excuse to keep looking at her.
As far as Jim was concerned, palm-reading was a superstitious hoax, and the only thing it did was to make people expect certain things to happen and perhaps unconsciously make them happen. That didn't mean he didn't feel a slight chill run up his spine at Adimu's predictions. Especially when she spoke of one deep love. He looked away and got himself a refill, torn between hoping the prophecy meant him and hoping it was about someone else. If she met someone better for her, someone her family could accept, her life would be so much easier and it would be easier for her to let him go. He wanted that for her, even if it would kill him when it happened.
"And each man is the architect of his own fate," he pointed out dryly, though his smile was still charming. "Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I think it's time I earned my keep."
Nyota noticed the little glint in Jim's eyes as he complimented her aunt. Since Adimu's attention was focused on him, she was able to grin a little wider, letting her amusement show openly for just a moment. They probably shouldn't be teasing her aunt like this, but it wasn't as if Adimu would catch on. Just having this little moment of mischief with Jim made her far happier than it should. She almost laughed when he called Adimu “captivating,” because she was certainly a sight to see in all her brocade glory, even if that was far from a compliment.
For the most part Nyota brushed off Adimu's fortune-telling as nonsense, though she couldn't help feeling that this time she might actually be right about her one deep love. She wasn't ever going to love anyone but Jim, and even if she couldn't be with him that wasn't going to change. It was a small comfort that they could still be around each other like this, as friends. She tried not to think about the fact that someday Jim would undoubtedly move on and find someone else to love.
His response to the fortune made her look over at him, something like hope in her eyes. She wanted to believe that she controlled her own fate, but it was difficult when her options were so limited and her family had plans for her, especially when she so hated the idea of disappointing or hurting her father. She managed a smile as Jim slipped away, much to Adimu's disappointment. Nyota did her best to distract her aunt, but soon felt tugging on her dress and turned to see her youngest brother Ikinya holding a book in his hands. Her smile turned far more genuine.
It was easier somehow while Jim was playing, because she could let herself get lost in his music to the point that she almost forgot how much she wished she was lost in him instead. Once she glanced at him and was unable to look away from the emotions in his eyes as he started to play a new song. “Girl, you'll be a woman soon.” The music was beautiful, as always, but the lyrics made her breath catch in her throat. “Love you so much can't count all the ways I'd die for you girl and all they can say is 'He's not your kind.'” Suddenly it was difficult to breathe, because this song seemed to be about them. He sang with such devotion, but he was right that no one would support their relationship. Did he write this song for me? she wondered, wanting to believe it even if the idea was only making things more difficult. “Don't let them make up your mind,” he sang, and she wanted to tell him that her heart was already decided on him but that she didn't know what she could possibly do about it. “Baby I've done all I could it's up to you.” But how?
She knew her eyes were revealing far too much, because even though they'd agreed on one night it was nearly impossible to accept when he sang like that. As soon as the last note died out she excused herself from the conversation she was having to walk back through the kitchen into her father's office in order to have just a moment to herself, a moment where she didn't have to smile and be okay.
Back on the small stage that was so familiar by now, Jim started playing his last set for the evening. He tried not to let his eyes drift too often to Nyota, tried to do everything the same way he always did so no one would suspect anything was amiss. The more everything seemed normal, the less people would be inclined to notice the little things that weren't. The little hints he'd planned to give her throughout the evening that he was sure only she would understand the meaning of.
He'd deliberately waited until the last set to try out one of the songs he'd written in the past week. It wouldn't seem conspicuous and he'd sung a few song along these lines before, though never one that held as much meaning to both him and Nyota. He didn't announce the new song as he usually did with new material, he didn't want to call extra attention to the song, but he made sure to catch her gaze and hold it once he started playing.
It was clear that she got the secret message, he could see the emotion in her eyes, the acknowledgment, the confusion, the yearning to have more than just the one night they'd had together. He'd already made his choice, had decided that he wanted her whatever the cost to himself might be, but he'd never ask her to pay the price being with him would cost her. It was up to her now, and while he didn't like seeing her upset because of something he'd said, he couldn't regret letting her know how he felt.
She left when the song ended and he tried to keep his concern from showing on his face as he segued into a traditional Christmas song that would take little mental effort to make his way through. Two songs later, and he could breathe again as she came back from where ever she'd gone, and while her smile was just the tiniest bit fake, he didn't think anyone noticed.
His last set didn't finish until half an hour before midnight, and he was careful to steer clear of both her and her vivacious aunt as he made his way to the bar again. He had plans and for those plans to seem convincing, people had to think he'd had more to drink that he actually had. That none of the people here knew his tolerance for alcohol just worked in his favor.
He small talked with a few people at the bar, had a few drinks that were more watered down that he let on, and then asked Chiedza to dance. It struck him as odd that Nyota's younger sister could be so similar and yet so different, and while she was pleasant enough and certainly a decent dance partner, she didn't come close to moving as seamlessly with him as Nyota. Neither did Amani when he danced with her a short while later, jokingly proclaiming that he saw it as his professional duty as a dance instructor to take every female with the last name Uhura for a spin before midnight. Her father had raised a slightly warning eyebrow when he'd asked Chiedza to dance, but the proclamation seemed to mollify him enough to shake his head indulgently.
And while he was having a good time and thought he put on a good show, he was keeping a careful eye on the clock and where Nyota was.
Nyota sat down in her father's chair and just tried to breathe. She knew she had to stop reacting like this to him, but the words he sang to her made that so much more difficult. Even though he hadn't asked for more than Christmas Eve, his song offered more if she had the courage to take it. She wanted more with every part of her, with heart and mind and body, but she couldn't think of any way. Jim would be ostracized, and her family would never, ever accept it. She'd tried so hard to support her father every step of the way since losing her mother, to be someone he could trust and count on, and she'd already violated that trust. Letting her relationship with Jim progress any further would only be deepening that betrayal, but she wasn't sure she knew how to stay away from him anymore. No matter how many times she told herself she shouldn't, she couldn't find it wrong on any level to fall in love with someone as incredible as Jim.
It would be strange if she stayed away from the restaurant too long, so after a few minutes she took a deep breath, forced her lips to curve upwards in a smile, and walked back into the diner. She looked up at Jim, knowing her eyes didn't have an answer to the question posed by his song. She drifted through conversations, trying to act normal and avoiding people who were too intuitive for their own good, chiefly Sadiki and Nadhari.
When Jim stopped playing her father turned on the jukebox, and Nyota found herself talking to Trent again. Jim's song replayed in her mind: Soon you'll need a man. He probably didn't realize how true the words were. In her father's mind she and Trent were already engaged, even if it wasn't official. Trent had been a friend for as long as she could remember, and her father had tried to look after him and his mother after Trent's father died. Kamau didn't want to run the diner, and her father had no inclination to bequeath it to him anyway, so Trent would most likely inherit it. Nice as he was, he didn't make her heart race, didn't challenge her beliefs, didn't make her want to kiss and touch him. She couldn't ever imagine loving him, especially now that she knew how all-consuming an emotion love could be.
She started slightly when she saw Jim take Chiedza's hand and lead her into a dance. Suddenly she recalled her promise to dance with him on New Year's. An explanation began to form in her mind, and when he danced with Amani and proclaimed that he needed to dance with all the Uhura women, she felt something loosen in her chest. If he danced with all her sisters there would be nothing strange about dancing with her as well. A little thrill of anticipation ran down her spine even if she wasn't sure how she could act normal if they were actually dancing. Her smile widened a little as she saw some of her cousins start to dance as well, and soon tables were being pushed aside to make more room for dancing.
"Nyota?"
She blinked, suddenly realizing that Trent was talking to her. A moment later her mind processed his question. "I'd love to," she lied, smiling and letting him take her hand. Trent didn't really know how to dance, but even if he had nothing could compare to dancing with Jim.
Biding his time, he mentally calculated how much time was left before midnight, converted it to the average length of a song, and decided it was best to have one more dance before he asked Nyota. He bowed graciously to Amani and sought out the third of her sisters. Sadiki and Chiedza seemed like two sides of the same time most often, and as expected, they were standing by the counter laughing at some inside joke when he walked over and held out his hand expectantly to Sadiki.
She arched a skeptical eyebrow at him, but relented when he reiterated his intention of dancing with all of them. Sadiki was a bit more like Nyota in some ways, though, more so than the other sisters, with the perceptive intelligence they both had in their eyes. Jim had a feeling he'd have to watch his step a lot more around Sadiki than the others, and he was very careful not to let on that he had any other motives than wanting to dance his way into the new year.
That, however, proved difficult when he noticed Nyota talking with a man he'd seem a few times at the diner, but never spoken to. It wasn't the man himself that bothered Jim, it was the way he was looking at her. Like he had some kind of claim on her, like he could get away with letting his eyes trail over her when she wasn't looking. It made Jim's jaw clench a little and he lost his focus for just a second when the guy led Nyota onto the improvised dance floor.
Sadiki said something, he didn't really hear what, but it made him return his attention to her and twirl her as he made a non-committal sound. The next time his eyes strayed to the clock behind the counter, it was five to midnight and the song was just about to end. Perfect, he thought and thanked Sadiki for the dance, turning to find Nyota. His jaw did that little twitch again when he saw that he, apparently, wasn't the only one who had the idea of dancing with her at midnight since whatshisface hadn't left the floor or even let her out of his arms.
It was okay, Jim told himself firmly, he could deal with this in a civilized way that didn't involve raising suspicion or breaking the guy's face. He could. Really. He could even do it without glaring a hole into the guy's forehead.
With that in mind, he made his way over to them, pasting a happy smile on his face and gently rested his hand on Nyota's shoulder. Even that small contact send a shockwave of warmth through him and helped make his smile a little more genuine.
"You don't mind if I steal her away for this one, do you?" he asked jokingly. "After all, I've vowed to dance with all four sisters. I have a promise to make good on." The last part was more intended for Nyota than her now slightly baffled dance partner, but he ended up nodding in acceptance. There really wasn't much more he could have done without causing a scene.
Finally, after all his careful planning, he had her back in his arms, and his luck seemed to hold for tonight. There were now enough people dancing that it seemed natural for him to draw her a little closer to him than he had her sisters, and for the first time in a week, he felt himself relax.
The smile on his face softened into something a lot more affectionate and real when he looked down at her, then leaned in to whisper in her ear. " It's the holidays, I'm a little tipsy, though not as much as people think, but I'm not lonely anymore. Not now..."
If she had never danced with Jim, dancing with Trent might have felt like one more thing she would simply have to endure. Now, however, every step they took reminded her of what it was like to dance with someone who knew how, someone whose mere touch was enough to send shivers down her spine.
Trent smiled at her. “You're a good dancer, Nyota.”
She bit her tongue to keep from replying that she had a very good teacher. “Thank you,” she replied instead. He simply smiled wider and twirled her around, which gave her a glimpse of the clock. It's almost midnight, she realized with an almost painful twinge. Trent wouldn't try to kiss her, would he? It was bad enough that he was dancing with her, but the thought of him doing anything more was intolerable. Unwanted images flooded her mind, increasingly vague due to her ignorance, of what it would be like if she went along with her father's plans. She'd never thought much about it before Jim, but she knew that she would detest Trent's touches as much as she loved Jim's.
She glanced over to see that Jim was dancing with Sadiki. Her sister moved well, even without training, and it made her smile even though the thought of Sadiki spending too much time with Jim made her oddly nervous. She was always afraid her sister could see right through her, and if she didn't already suspect her feelings for Jim she would soon.
And then the song ended, and she tired to step away but Trent didn't release her. “One more dance?” he asked, and she nodded, not seeing any plausible reason for her to refuse. A moment later she felt a hand on her shoulder, warm and solid. She knew who it was even before she turned to see his face, and it was impossible to keep from smiling as he teasingly asked if he could steal her way. I have a promise to make good on. It was her promise really, and she was happy to be able to fulfill it. Casting Trent an apologetic smile that was much too jovial, she let Jim take her in his arms and let out a happy sigh, because this was how dancing was supposed to feel.
The way he looked at her made her heart flip, and she let herself relax in his arms because even though her heart was racing there was no place she felt more comfortable. It was strange to be dancing with him in front of her family, but he had already danced with her sisters. No one would think anything of it.
His words reminded her of Christmas, but her breath caught when he said I'm not lonely anymore. Her heart clenched, and she couldn't even pretend to be anything but happy. “I haven't been lonely since the day I met you,” she replied. She wasn't supposed to be saying these words, but she couldn't help it. The words were painfully true, because even though she had always been surrounded by family, there was no one who cared for her and listened to her the way Jim did.
It was easy to forget everything around them when she looked at him like that, when he finally had her in his arm again and was dancing with her. Too easy, really, and he had to remind himself that not only weren't they alone, they were surrounded by her family, including her slightly overprotective father.
But she looked so happy and it was as if they were dancing to a song that was all their own, not the music coming from the jukebox. And he couldn't look away from her even if he'd had the inclination to try. She said she hadn't been lonely since they day they'd met, and he had to bite his tongue not to promise her she'd never be lonely again, not to promise her he'd always be there. It wasn't a promise he knew if he'd be able to keep, not when they had to resort to this kind of elaborate scheming just to be able to dance in public.
He gave her hand a little squeeze in return, saying with a touch what he couldn't say in words. That no matter what happened, she could always come to him, that he'd always be there behind the curtain to support her in anything he could.
"One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying," he muttered quietly as he heard someone turn on a radio somewhere to prepare for the broadcasted countdown. "You know who said that?" he asked rhetorically, a slight smile on his face as he let his thumb graze her knuckles lightly. "Joan of Arc. Six hundred years ago, she spoke those words as she marched against the English on the battlefields of France. One woman trying to change the world because of what she believed in, in a time where women weren't any more than a man's possession like his horse, or the table he eats at. She held her head high at her trial when the English accused her of heresy, and they burnt her at the stake not long after she'd turned nineteen. But she never stopped fighting for what she thought was right, and we still remember her words over half a millennium later. Not bad for a destitute farm girl, huh?"
It wasn't that he was trying to push her into making any decisions, or into giving anything up she didn't want to, that wasn't what he was trying to say. What he wanted her to see was that she was the master of her own fate, her own life and that no one could or should decide what her life should be like other than herself. Glancing at the clock, he saw there was still a few minutes left until midnight. His smile turned a little more mischievous and he leaned closer to whisper. "Whatever happens at midnight, just play it cool, okay?"
Nyota probably shouldn't have acted so pleased to be rescued from Trent's arms, but she couldn't help it when offered the chance to dance with Jim instead. They danced during her lessons, of course, but it was something else entirely to dance here in the diner. It wasn't a ballroom by any stretch of the imagination, but here he could twirl her around and hold her close and the only secret was that she was completely lost in his eyes. She didn't look around to see if her family was suspicious, didn't ever want to look away from that cloudless blue. Even though she had no idea what she was going to do, it was impossible not to enjoy this moment. She squeezed his hand in return and hoped he understood that even though she didn't know how to promise anything, she very much wanted to.
He launched another history lesson, and she listened attentively as he spoke of a woman who had been willing to sacrifice everything for her beliefs. As always, it soothed something in her heart that Jim believed in her enough to tell her such things, and her smile grew even as she seriously weighed his words. “I guess the question becomes which beliefs are worth burning at the stake for," she replied quietly. She believed with all her heart that skin color was completely irrelevant, but she also believed in supporting her family. It wasn't merely fear of punishment that made her hesitate.
“Sartre says that nothing is predetermined, that we are wholly free... and that that's a terrifying burden to bear,” she added. “But it's so much better to believe that than the alternative.” Whatever happened, she wanted it to be her choice, made because of what was most important to her. It didn't really feel like she had a choice, and it was a frightening possibility to conceded, but she didn't want to give up on creating the life she wanted even if she didn't know how to go about doing it. Lost as she felt, there was determination in her eyes.
It was a relief when Jim's face turned slightly more mischievous, even though it made her raise a slightly concerned eyebrow. A light blush spread across her cheeks when he told her to play it cool at midnight. “Jim,” she said, a hint of warning in her voice. “We're in public...”
She returned his gentle squeeze and he smiled as she returned his sentiment. It was almost as if they were developing a secret code of touches and looks, a language all of their own that allowed them to communicate without anyone else knowing what they said to each other.
"Freedom has always been good choice. The right to live the life you want the way you want it. Sometimes I think it's the only thing truly worth fighting for," he commented with a slight shrug. Of all the things people fought about, made war over, it was the only reason that had ever really made sense to him.
His eyebrows moved upwards when she referenced Sartre and he gave her an impressed, happy smile. "Sounds like someone's been busy reading over the holidays..." It seemed she's taken some of Sartre's philosophy to heart, had thought about it and formed her own opinion about it. Which was exactly what he'd hoped she'd do when he'd bought the books for her. "Freedom comes at a price, and it comes with a great responsibility. It's why so many people turn to religion or find people who'll tell them what to do. Freedom is a very frightening thing to most people."
Hearing people begin to get ready for the countdown, he turned them a few times, getting a feel for how many people were watching them. It meant looking away from her for a moment, but it was only briefly. "So I've noticed," he replied casually and was satisfied that most of the crowd was busy with their own preparations for ringing in the new year.
When the people began counting down from ten along with the voice on the radio, he twirled her a few times, doing his own little count in his head. At five, she was back in his arms. At four, he dipped her low, following her at three. At two, he leaned closer, smiling devilishly at her. At one, he whispered a very quiet "Je t'aime". And when people shouted "Happy New Year!" to each other and the room exploded in confetti and noisemakers, he pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was only a few seconds long, but it was worth every moment of careful planning to have her lips back on his, however briefly.
Before people had gotten through the first line of "Auld Lang Syne", he'd brought them upright again and continued the dance as if nothing had happened. But there was a very happy and still mischievous twinkle in his eye when he asked her. "Are you mad?"
The way he spoke about freedom made her yearn so desperately to embrace it. Even though the feeling wasn't new, she now had new word to describe it with, words that made her feel it more keenly. And, of course, now the yearning for freedom to love wasn't just an idle daydream, it was personified by the man holding her in his arms and smiling at her so lovingly. She didn't understand how the whole room didn't see it, especially since the emotions were reflected on her own face, but she was beginning to think that Jim was the only one who ever really saw her.
“I haven't finished them yet, but I only get to read them for the first time once, so I want to savor every word even though I'll read them over and over. There are parts that don't really make sense to me, but I reread every chapter, and it always makes more sense the second time. Some nights I lose track of time and Sadiki wakes up to ask why I'm reading instead of sleeping... I love them, Jim."
The prospect of freedom was certainly an enticing one, but Jim was right about the fact that it could be a terrifying prospect. It meant denying so much that she cared about. Her convictions mattered to her father, were even shared by him to a degree, but that didn't mean there weren't limits, and her feelings for Jim were far outside them. “Freedom certainly isn't free,” she replied, trying to keep her voice light, “but I don't want to let someone else make my decisions for me... No matter how much I love the person.” She glanced at her father for a moment, who to her relief was talking with Adimu instead of looking at her and Jim. “But that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of the effects my decisions could have.”
The countdown distracted her a little from her thoughts, and she smiled a little brighter as he twirled her around. It caught her slightly off guard when he dipped her, and a moment later he was right there with her smiling in a way that made her heart turn somersaults. Je t'aime. She was filled with the same elation she'd felt on Christmas, and as the sounds of the New Year exploded around them and his lips found hers, the rest of the world momentarily disappeared. There was nothing but Nyota and Jim. Her eyes closed, and every part of her rejoiced in the conviction that this was right.
The kiss was over almost as soon as it had begun, and then they were dancing again. People were singing all around them, and she was terrified to look around in case anyone had seen. “I should be mad, but you're making that very difficult.” It was hard to do anything but smile fondly when he looked so very happy. She let out a slow breath and her voice dropped to a whisper. "Jim... One night wasn't nearly enough." The weight of her admission landed squarely on her shoulders, making her feel off balance. "I have no idea what to do."
He'd been worried that she might not appreciate the public display, as innocent and inconspicuous as it was, so the smile on her face was immensely relieving. Not for the first time that evening, he wished they weren't in public, wished he could rest his chin against hers, wished he could kiss her again and hold her and do everything they'd done that night a week before and a lot of things they hadn't.
Her next words, whispered as they were, made his heart clench, made him want to pull her against him and never let her go. "I don't think a thousand and one nights would be enough, Nyota. Not with you..."
It wasn't as simple as that, however, and what she'd said earlier echoed in his mind. She was afraid of what price she'd have to pay for this little freedom, for what the effects of her decisions would be. "You should do what you want to and what you feel is right. Don't let me or anyone else make any decisions for you."
It was hard not to try to shower her in flowering rhetoric and try to sway her into doing what he wanted her to, but he knew this was a choice she had to make for herself and know she'd made for herself. "I'm not going to pretend I haven't already made my decision, but I don't want it to influence yours. I don't have nearly as much to lose as you do." His voice was low enough that he was reasonably sure she was the only one who could hear him, and he wished their dance could last longer. They couldn't keep up the pretense of dancing forever, and he could almost feel at least one pair of eyes burning a hole in his back. He just hadn't looked away from her to see who they belonged to yet.
The use of her name sent a little shiver down her spine, and she wished with all her heart that she could permit him to always call her Nyota no matter who was listening. The only reason she didn't press her lips to his was because they were in public. Eternity might not be enough with you, she thought but could not say. She wanted to promise him everything, was almost desperate to at least ask for more time, but that would be such a dangerous decision for both of them. Even this dance and the chaste kiss at midnight were serious risks.
She nodded slowly when he said that she ought to decide things on her own. The responsibility for this decision rested with her, but it was daunting enough that she'd probably try not to think about it if it weren't impossible not to think about Jim. She didn't know how to give him up, but she didn't know how it would possibly work for them to be together. It was so tempting to ask for just a little more time, but that wasn't a solution. As far as she could see, there was no solution that had consequences she was really willing to accept.
Despite everything it surprised her a little to hear him say that he'd made his decision. He sounded so very sure of himself. Does he really think I'm worth it? She knew he loved her, but it wasn't as if the situation was simple for him. He had a lot to lose, too. “I wish I had an answer for you,” she whispered, hating herself a little for not knowing what else to say. “Jim... You're sure this is what you want?”
Making this decision had been much easier for Jim than it would be for Nyota. He'd never felt like this with anyone else, and he knew that this was much more then just a fleeting emotion. That he was going to feel this way about her for the rest of his life. And while he knew there would be consequences for him as well if they were together officially, he was prepared to take those consequences. If someone judged him for loving her, then he didn't need that someone in his life. It was as simple as that.
So it was with complete conviction he could look into her eyes and nod. "I'm sure." No matter what her decision was going to end up being, he didn't want to ever think he'd missed his chance at this because he hadn't tried hard enough.
The dance had drawn out for long enough and if they stayed like this, they were sure to attract attention, so he leaned in and whispered. "I'm going to stay for another hour or so, pretend to have some more drinks, then go. I'm going to "forget" my guitar here, so you can wait a few minutes and then notice. I'll be waiting in the alley right around the block, okay? You can bring me the guitar, and I can give you a real New Year's kiss."
I'm sure. She couldn't doubt the words when he was looking at her with such absolute certainty, and her eyes stayed locked on his, marveling at the fact that he was willing to commit to her no matter the consequences. I'm sure too, she wanted to reply, but she couldn't get the words out, because even though she was sure of her feelings she didn't know if she could really turn her back on her father that way. She would always love Jim, regardless of whether or not they were together, but what would together even mean for them? It would have to be kept secret, and even if no one discovered them, it wasn't as if they could continue that way forever.
She hoped he understood that her feelings weren't in question, only whether or not she acted on them, but her only reply for the moment was a nod. She was afraid that if she spoke now she'd say far too much, and that she'd no longer be able to keep up the pretense of dancing.
The whispered words sent a little thrill through her, even as her heart sunk a little that she would be lying to her family again, even if the lies weren't spoken aloud. “Okay. I won't make you wait long,” she promised, wondering if the words had another meaning as well. She owed him an answer, but everything felt so jumbled up right now. With a somewhat forced smile, she pulled away from him, giving his hand another little squeeze.
Finally she let her eyes glance around the room to see if there was damage to be repaired. Her father was looking at Jim with slightly narrowed eyes, but she caught his gaze and smiled, hoping to communicate that it had all been quite harmless. He smiled indulgently, and she held in a sigh of relief. Next her eyes found Trent, who was giving her a slightly odd look. She smiled at him, but opted for walking over to her sisters, who were all congregated at one of the tables. It didn't really surprise her that they were giggling over dancing with Jim, though the way Sadiki was looking at her was cause for worry. She shook her head and told them all to behave, trying her hardest not to look at Jim. It still felt as if she could sense his presence, and she surreptitiously payed attention to where he was so that she could notice the guitar once he'd gone.
Jim offered her a drink and took a healthy gulp of his own, feeling he'd need it if she did what he thought she might and latched onto him for the rest of the evening. So he smiled and laughed politely at her jokes, and if his smile was just the tiniest bit forced, well... Winona Kirk had done her best to instill proper manners in her sons, but had always said her youngest was a lost cause when it came to knowing how to behave in polite society.
It was only when she reached for his hand and asked - no demanded that she be allowed to read his palm that the penny dropped. Of course! This was Nyota's aunt, the one who was fond of fortunetelling and voodoo. He gently, but firmly withdrew his hand. "Thank you, but I'd really rather not know what's in the cards for me."
The moment the words had left his mouth, he wished he could take them back. He desperately tried to change the subject, asking her where she was from since she had such an interesting accent, but she was apparently not so easily deterred.
Just as he was starting to sweat and was considering the ramifications of telling her off, help appeared in the form of Nyota. She'd never looked more like an angel of mercy to him, and he couldn't stop the wide smile that spread over his face as she seamlessly intervened.
"Especially those who don't want their fortune told, it appears," he muttered under his breath, then forced his smile back into 'charming and polite'. "Thank you for your concern, Miss Uhura. Tell me, are you two related? The different accents threw me off, but beauty like what I have in front of me con only run in the family." It was cheesy, it was trite, but it had to throw the aunt from hell off the scent. And it wasn't entirely untrue, he did have an extraordinary beauty in front of him. It just only pertained to the woman who wasn't doing her best impression of a Christmas tree, decorated and coiffed to within an inch of her life.
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Ignoring these thoughts as best she could, she let her smile turn slightly bemused at Jim's comment, even if there was a strange twinge in her chest that he was calling her Miss Uhura again. He had to call her that, of course, but she so loved the way he said Nyota. “I don't know what he's talking about, Shangazi. My beauty doesn't hold a candle to yours,” she said seriously to her aunt, a glint of mischief in her eyes. Adimu looked a little ridiculous in her bright colors, but Nyota thought it suited her, even though she was eternally glad that she was dressed in a simple silver-blue dress.
Her aunt laughed and pinched her cheek fondly. “Tu es la plus belle, mon bijou,” she repied, and then turned that slightly concerning look on Jim again. “I'm Nyota's aunt. And you must call me Adimu,” she insisted, probably not for the first time.
Seeing that her aunt wasn't going to let go of Jim so easily, Nyota held out her own hand as a consolation prize. “Why don't you read my palm, Shangazi? It's been ages since you've told my fortune.”
Her aunt grinned at the offer and swiveled in her chair to reach for Nyota's hand. Nyota simply smiled bemusedly, because intuitive as her aunt could sometimes be, there was no such thing as magic. “Fortune-telling” was guesswork and nothing more, and she was perfectly willing to indulge it if it made her aunt happy and kept Jim safe.
Adimu ran bejeweled fingers over her palm and nodded thoughtfully in consideration. “Ah, yes,” she murmured. “Your fate line... You will face a difficult fate, and it is so very close to your life line in the middle. I cannot yet tell if you must sacrifice your own wishes for the sake of others. And this... I've seen it before, but it has never been so important as now, mon bijou. You have only one marriage line, only one deep love. And whoever this man is you will fall in love with him soon, if you have not already. It will not be easy for you, but the love is deep and strong.”
Nyota nodded along, only half listening to her aunt's explanation, even if the mention of one deep love made her ears perk up a little. It was nearly impossible to keep from glancing at Jim, but she kept her eyes firmly trained on her palm. “Well that's not the happiest fortune I've ever heard,” she replied lightly, firmly reminding herself that this was all nonsense.
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"Bien sur, Madame Adimu," he smiled, his eyes never leaving Nyota. He'd thought and said that red suited her, but the blue and silver of her dress was perfect for her. She'd never need to resort to the sort of excessive ornamentation her aunt seemed fond of, she shone in and of herself. "I'd never dare contradict a captivating woman such as yourself."
While Adimu seemed adequately charmed by his words, he was relatively sure Nyota would pick up on the double meaning. There was no lie in it, he just didn't mean 'captivating' in quite the way Adimu had chosen to understand it.
Nyota offered her hand to her aunt and Jim had to stifle the urge to tell her she should do it just to get him off the hook. But since it appeared she'd done it before, he held his tongue and used the excuse to keep looking at her.
As far as Jim was concerned, palm-reading was a superstitious hoax, and the only thing it did was to make people expect certain things to happen and perhaps unconsciously make them happen. That didn't mean he didn't feel a slight chill run up his spine at Adimu's predictions. Especially when she spoke of one deep love. He looked away and got himself a refill, torn between hoping the prophecy meant him and hoping it was about someone else. If she met someone better for her, someone her family could accept, her life would be so much easier and it would be easier for her to let him go. He wanted that for her, even if it would kill him when it happened.
"And each man is the architect of his own fate," he pointed out dryly, though his smile was still charming. "Now if you'll excuse me, ladies, I think it's time I earned my keep."
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For the most part Nyota brushed off Adimu's fortune-telling as nonsense, though she couldn't help feeling that this time she might actually be right about her one deep love. She wasn't ever going to love anyone but Jim, and even if she couldn't be with him that wasn't going to change. It was a small comfort that they could still be around each other like this, as friends. She tried not to think about the fact that someday Jim would undoubtedly move on and find someone else to love.
His response to the fortune made her look over at him, something like hope in her eyes. She wanted to believe that she controlled her own fate, but it was difficult when her options were so limited and her family had plans for her, especially when she so hated the idea of disappointing or hurting her father. She managed a smile as Jim slipped away, much to Adimu's disappointment. Nyota did her best to distract her aunt, but soon felt tugging on her dress and turned to see her youngest brother Ikinya holding a book in his hands. Her smile turned far more genuine.
It was easier somehow while Jim was playing, because she could let herself get lost in his music to the point that she almost forgot how much she wished she was lost in him instead. Once she glanced at him and was unable to look away from the emotions in his eyes as he started to play a new song. “Girl, you'll be a woman soon.” The music was beautiful, as always, but the lyrics made her breath catch in her throat. “Love you so much can't count all the ways I'd die for you girl and all they can say is 'He's not your kind.'” Suddenly it was difficult to breathe, because this song seemed to be about them. He sang with such devotion, but he was right that no one would support their relationship. Did he write this song for me? she wondered, wanting to believe it even if the idea was only making things more difficult. “Don't let them make up your mind,” he sang, and she wanted to tell him that her heart was already decided on him but that she didn't know what she could possibly do about it. “Baby I've done all I could it's up to you.” But how?
She knew her eyes were revealing far too much, because even though they'd agreed on one night it was nearly impossible to accept when he sang like that. As soon as the last note died out she excused herself from the conversation she was having to walk back through the kitchen into her father's office in order to have just a moment to herself, a moment where she didn't have to smile and be okay.
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He'd deliberately waited until the last set to try out one of the songs he'd written in the past week. It wouldn't seem conspicuous and he'd sung a few song along these lines before, though never one that held as much meaning to both him and Nyota. He didn't announce the new song as he usually did with new material, he didn't want to call extra attention to the song, but he made sure to catch her gaze and hold it once he started playing.
It was clear that she got the secret message, he could see the emotion in her eyes, the acknowledgment, the confusion, the yearning to have more than just the one night they'd had together. He'd already made his choice, had decided that he wanted her whatever the cost to himself might be, but he'd never ask her to pay the price being with him would cost her. It was up to her now, and while he didn't like seeing her upset because of something he'd said, he couldn't regret letting her know how he felt.
She left when the song ended and he tried to keep his concern from showing on his face as he segued into a traditional Christmas song that would take little mental effort to make his way through. Two songs later, and he could breathe again as she came back from where ever she'd gone, and while her smile was just the tiniest bit fake, he didn't think anyone noticed.
His last set didn't finish until half an hour before midnight, and he was careful to steer clear of both her and her vivacious aunt as he made his way to the bar again. He had plans and for those plans to seem convincing, people had to think he'd had more to drink that he actually had. That none of the people here knew his tolerance for alcohol just worked in his favor.
He small talked with a few people at the bar, had a few drinks that were more watered down that he let on, and then asked Chiedza to dance. It struck him as odd that Nyota's younger sister could be so similar and yet so different, and while she was pleasant enough and certainly a decent dance partner, she didn't come close to moving as seamlessly with him as Nyota. Neither did Amani when he danced with her a short while later, jokingly proclaiming that he saw it as his professional duty as a dance instructor to take every female with the last name Uhura for a spin before midnight. Her father had raised a slightly warning eyebrow when he'd asked Chiedza to dance, but the proclamation seemed to mollify him enough to shake his head indulgently.
And while he was having a good time and thought he put on a good show, he was keeping a careful eye on the clock and where Nyota was.
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It would be strange if she stayed away from the restaurant too long, so after a few minutes she took a deep breath, forced her lips to curve upwards in a smile, and walked back into the diner. She looked up at Jim, knowing her eyes didn't have an answer to the question posed by his song. She drifted through conversations, trying to act normal and avoiding people who were too intuitive for their own good, chiefly Sadiki and Nadhari.
When Jim stopped playing her father turned on the jukebox, and Nyota found herself talking to Trent again. Jim's song replayed in her mind: Soon you'll need a man. He probably didn't realize how true the words were. In her father's mind she and Trent were already engaged, even if it wasn't official. Trent had been a friend for as long as she could remember, and her father had tried to look after him and his mother after Trent's father died. Kamau didn't want to run the diner, and her father had no inclination to bequeath it to him anyway, so Trent would most likely inherit it. Nice as he was, he didn't make her heart race, didn't challenge her beliefs, didn't make her want to kiss and touch him. She couldn't ever imagine loving him, especially now that she knew how all-consuming an emotion love could be.
She started slightly when she saw Jim take Chiedza's hand and lead her into a dance. Suddenly she recalled her promise to dance with him on New Year's. An explanation began to form in her mind, and when he danced with Amani and proclaimed that he needed to dance with all the Uhura women, she felt something loosen in her chest. If he danced with all her sisters there would be nothing strange about dancing with her as well. A little thrill of anticipation ran down her spine even if she wasn't sure how she could act normal if they were actually dancing. Her smile widened a little as she saw some of her cousins start to dance as well, and soon tables were being pushed aside to make more room for dancing.
"Nyota?"
She blinked, suddenly realizing that Trent was talking to her. A moment later her mind processed his question. "I'd love to," she lied, smiling and letting him take her hand. Trent didn't really know how to dance, but even if he had nothing could compare to dancing with Jim.
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She arched a skeptical eyebrow at him, but relented when he reiterated his intention of dancing with all of them. Sadiki was a bit more like Nyota in some ways, though, more so than the other sisters, with the perceptive intelligence they both had in their eyes. Jim had a feeling he'd have to watch his step a lot more around Sadiki than the others, and he was very careful not to let on that he had any other motives than wanting to dance his way into the new year.
That, however, proved difficult when he noticed Nyota talking with a man he'd seem a few times at the diner, but never spoken to. It wasn't the man himself that bothered Jim, it was the way he was looking at her. Like he had some kind of claim on her, like he could get away with letting his eyes trail over her when she wasn't looking. It made Jim's jaw clench a little and he lost his focus for just a second when the guy led Nyota onto the improvised dance floor.
Sadiki said something, he didn't really hear what, but it made him return his attention to her and twirl her as he made a non-committal sound. The next time his eyes strayed to the clock behind the counter, it was five to midnight and the song was just about to end. Perfect, he thought and thanked Sadiki for the dance, turning to find Nyota. His jaw did that little twitch again when he saw that he, apparently, wasn't the only one who had the idea of dancing with her at midnight since whatshisface hadn't left the floor or even let her out of his arms.
It was okay, Jim told himself firmly, he could deal with this in a civilized way that didn't involve raising suspicion or breaking the guy's face. He could. Really. He could even do it without glaring a hole into the guy's forehead.
With that in mind, he made his way over to them, pasting a happy smile on his face and gently rested his hand on Nyota's shoulder. Even that small contact send a shockwave of warmth through him and helped make his smile a little more genuine.
"You don't mind if I steal her away for this one, do you?" he asked jokingly. "After all, I've vowed to dance with all four sisters. I have a promise to make good on." The last part was more intended for Nyota than her now slightly baffled dance partner, but he ended up nodding in acceptance. There really wasn't much more he could have done without causing a scene.
Finally, after all his careful planning, he had her back in his arms, and his luck seemed to hold for tonight. There were now enough people dancing that it seemed natural for him to draw her a little closer to him than he had her sisters, and for the first time in a week, he felt himself relax.
The smile on his face softened into something a lot more affectionate and real when he looked down at her, then leaned in to whisper in her ear. " It's the holidays, I'm a little tipsy, though not as much as people think, but I'm not lonely anymore. Not now..."
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Trent smiled at her. “You're a good dancer, Nyota.”
She bit her tongue to keep from replying that she had a very good teacher. “Thank you,” she replied instead. He simply smiled wider and twirled her around, which gave her a glimpse of the clock. It's almost midnight, she realized with an almost painful twinge. Trent wouldn't try to kiss her, would he? It was bad enough that he was dancing with her, but the thought of him doing anything more was intolerable. Unwanted images flooded her mind, increasingly vague due to her ignorance, of what it would be like if she went along with her father's plans. She'd never thought much about it before Jim, but she knew that she would detest Trent's touches as much as she loved Jim's.
She glanced over to see that Jim was dancing with Sadiki. Her sister moved well, even without training, and it made her smile even though the thought of Sadiki spending too much time with Jim made her oddly nervous. She was always afraid her sister could see right through her, and if she didn't already suspect her feelings for Jim she would soon.
And then the song ended, and she tired to step away but Trent didn't release her. “One more dance?” he asked, and she nodded, not seeing any plausible reason for her to refuse. A moment later she felt a hand on her shoulder, warm and solid. She knew who it was even before she turned to see his face, and it was impossible to keep from smiling as he teasingly asked if he could steal her way. I have a promise to make good on. It was her promise really, and she was happy to be able to fulfill it. Casting Trent an apologetic smile that was much too jovial, she let Jim take her in his arms and let out a happy sigh, because this was how dancing was supposed to feel.
The way he looked at her made her heart flip, and she let herself relax in his arms because even though her heart was racing there was no place she felt more comfortable. It was strange to be dancing with him in front of her family, but he had already danced with her sisters. No one would think anything of it.
His words reminded her of Christmas, but her breath caught when he said I'm not lonely anymore. Her heart clenched, and she couldn't even pretend to be anything but happy. “I haven't been lonely since the day I met you,” she replied. She wasn't supposed to be saying these words, but she couldn't help it. The words were painfully true, because even though she had always been surrounded by family, there was no one who cared for her and listened to her the way Jim did.
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But she looked so happy and it was as if they were dancing to a song that was all their own, not the music coming from the jukebox. And he couldn't look away from her even if he'd had the inclination to try. She said she hadn't been lonely since they day they'd met, and he had to bite his tongue not to promise her she'd never be lonely again, not to promise her he'd always be there. It wasn't a promise he knew if he'd be able to keep, not when they had to resort to this kind of elaborate scheming just to be able to dance in public.
He gave her hand a little squeeze in return, saying with a touch what he couldn't say in words. That no matter what happened, she could always come to him, that he'd always be there behind the curtain to support her in anything he could.
"One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief, that is a fate more terrible than dying," he muttered quietly as he heard someone turn on a radio somewhere to prepare for the broadcasted countdown. "You know who said that?" he asked rhetorically, a slight smile on his face as he let his thumb graze her knuckles lightly. "Joan of Arc. Six hundred years ago, she spoke those words as she marched against the English on the battlefields of France. One woman trying to change the world because of what she believed in, in a time where women weren't any more than a man's possession like his horse, or the table he eats at. She held her head high at her trial when the English accused her of heresy, and they burnt her at the stake not long after she'd turned nineteen. But she never stopped fighting for what she thought was right, and we still remember her words over half a millennium later. Not bad for a destitute farm girl, huh?"
It wasn't that he was trying to push her into making any decisions, or into giving anything up she didn't want to, that wasn't what he was trying to say. What he wanted her to see was that she was the master of her own fate, her own life and that no one could or should decide what her life should be like other than herself. Glancing at the clock, he saw there was still a few minutes left until midnight. His smile turned a little more mischievous and he leaned closer to whisper. "Whatever happens at midnight, just play it cool, okay?"
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He launched another history lesson, and she listened attentively as he spoke of a woman who had been willing to sacrifice everything for her beliefs. As always, it soothed something in her heart that Jim believed in her enough to tell her such things, and her smile grew even as she seriously weighed his words. “I guess the question becomes which beliefs are worth burning at the stake for," she replied quietly. She believed with all her heart that skin color was completely irrelevant, but she also believed in supporting her family. It wasn't merely fear of punishment that made her hesitate.
“Sartre says that nothing is predetermined, that we are wholly free... and that that's a terrifying burden to bear,” she added. “But it's so much better to believe that than the alternative.” Whatever happened, she wanted it to be her choice, made because of what was most important to her. It didn't really feel like she had a choice, and it was a frightening possibility to conceded, but she didn't want to give up on creating the life she wanted even if she didn't know how to go about doing it. Lost as she felt, there was determination in her eyes.
It was a relief when Jim's face turned slightly more mischievous, even though it made her raise a slightly concerned eyebrow. A light blush spread across her cheeks when he told her to play it cool at midnight. “Jim,” she said, a hint of warning in her voice. “We're in public...”
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"Freedom has always been good choice. The right to live the life you want the way you want it. Sometimes I think it's the only thing truly worth fighting for," he commented with a slight shrug. Of all the things people fought about, made war over, it was the only reason that had ever really made sense to him.
His eyebrows moved upwards when she referenced Sartre and he gave her an impressed, happy smile. "Sounds like someone's been busy reading over the holidays..." It seemed she's taken some of Sartre's philosophy to heart, had thought about it and formed her own opinion about it. Which was exactly what he'd hoped she'd do when he'd bought the books for her. "Freedom comes at a price, and it comes with a great responsibility. It's why so many people turn to religion or find people who'll tell them what to do. Freedom is a very frightening thing to most people."
Hearing people begin to get ready for the countdown, he turned them a few times, getting a feel for how many people were watching them. It meant looking away from her for a moment, but it was only briefly. "So I've noticed," he replied casually and was satisfied that most of the crowd was busy with their own preparations for ringing in the new year.
When the people began counting down from ten along with the voice on the radio, he twirled her a few times, doing his own little count in his head. At five, she was back in his arms. At four, he dipped her low, following her at three. At two, he leaned closer, smiling devilishly at her. At one, he whispered a very quiet "Je t'aime". And when people shouted "Happy New Year!" to each other and the room exploded in confetti and noisemakers, he pressed his lips to hers. The kiss was only a few seconds long, but it was worth every moment of careful planning to have her lips back on his, however briefly.
Before people had gotten through the first line of "Auld Lang Syne", he'd brought them upright again and continued the dance as if nothing had happened. But there was a very happy and still mischievous twinkle in his eye when he asked her. "Are you mad?"
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“I haven't finished them yet, but I only get to read them for the first time once, so I want to savor every word even though I'll read them over and over. There are parts that don't really make sense to me, but I reread every chapter, and it always makes more sense the second time. Some nights I lose track of time and Sadiki wakes up to ask why I'm reading instead of sleeping... I love them, Jim."
The prospect of freedom was certainly an enticing one, but Jim was right about the fact that it could be a terrifying prospect. It meant denying so much that she cared about. Her convictions mattered to her father, were even shared by him to a degree, but that didn't mean there weren't limits, and her feelings for Jim were far outside them. “Freedom certainly isn't free,” she replied, trying to keep her voice light, “but I don't want to let someone else make my decisions for me... No matter how much I love the person.” She glanced at her father for a moment, who to her relief was talking with Adimu instead of looking at her and Jim. “But that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of the effects my decisions could have.”
The countdown distracted her a little from her thoughts, and she smiled a little brighter as he twirled her around. It caught her slightly off guard when he dipped her, and a moment later he was right there with her smiling in a way that made her heart turn somersaults. Je t'aime. She was filled with the same elation she'd felt on Christmas, and as the sounds of the New Year exploded around them and his lips found hers, the rest of the world momentarily disappeared. There was nothing but Nyota and Jim. Her eyes closed, and every part of her rejoiced in the conviction that this was right.
The kiss was over almost as soon as it had begun, and then they were dancing again. People were singing all around them, and she was terrified to look around in case anyone had seen. “I should be mad, but you're making that very difficult.” It was hard to do anything but smile fondly when he looked so very happy. She let out a slow breath and her voice dropped to a whisper. "Jim... One night wasn't nearly enough." The weight of her admission landed squarely on her shoulders, making her feel off balance. "I have no idea what to do."
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Her next words, whispered as they were, made his heart clench, made him want to pull her against him and never let her go. "I don't think a thousand and one nights would be enough, Nyota. Not with you..."
It wasn't as simple as that, however, and what she'd said earlier echoed in his mind. She was afraid of what price she'd have to pay for this little freedom, for what the effects of her decisions would be. "You should do what you want to and what you feel is right. Don't let me or anyone else make any decisions for you."
It was hard not to try to shower her in flowering rhetoric and try to sway her into doing what he wanted her to, but he knew this was a choice she had to make for herself and know she'd made for herself. "I'm not going to pretend I haven't already made my decision, but I don't want it to influence yours. I don't have nearly as much to lose as you do." His voice was low enough that he was reasonably sure she was the only one who could hear him, and he wished their dance could last longer. They couldn't keep up the pretense of dancing forever, and he could almost feel at least one pair of eyes burning a hole in his back. He just hadn't looked away from her to see who they belonged to yet.
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She nodded slowly when he said that she ought to decide things on her own. The responsibility for this decision rested with her, but it was daunting enough that she'd probably try not to think about it if it weren't impossible not to think about Jim. She didn't know how to give him up, but she didn't know how it would possibly work for them to be together. It was so tempting to ask for just a little more time, but that wasn't a solution. As far as she could see, there was no solution that had consequences she was really willing to accept.
Despite everything it surprised her a little to hear him say that he'd made his decision. He sounded so very sure of himself. Does he really think I'm worth it? She knew he loved her, but it wasn't as if the situation was simple for him. He had a lot to lose, too. “I wish I had an answer for you,” she whispered, hating herself a little for not knowing what else to say. “Jim... You're sure this is what you want?”
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So it was with complete conviction he could look into her eyes and nod. "I'm sure." No matter what her decision was going to end up being, he didn't want to ever think he'd missed his chance at this because he hadn't tried hard enough.
The dance had drawn out for long enough and if they stayed like this, they were sure to attract attention, so he leaned in and whispered. "I'm going to stay for another hour or so, pretend to have some more drinks, then go. I'm going to "forget" my guitar here, so you can wait a few minutes and then notice. I'll be waiting in the alley right around the block, okay? You can bring me the guitar, and I can give you a real New Year's kiss."
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She hoped he understood that her feelings weren't in question, only whether or not she acted on them, but her only reply for the moment was a nod. She was afraid that if she spoke now she'd say far too much, and that she'd no longer be able to keep up the pretense of dancing.
The whispered words sent a little thrill through her, even as her heart sunk a little that she would be lying to her family again, even if the lies weren't spoken aloud. “Okay. I won't make you wait long,” she promised, wondering if the words had another meaning as well. She owed him an answer, but everything felt so jumbled up right now. With a somewhat forced smile, she pulled away from him, giving his hand another little squeeze.
Finally she let her eyes glance around the room to see if there was damage to be repaired. Her father was looking at Jim with slightly narrowed eyes, but she caught his gaze and smiled, hoping to communicate that it had all been quite harmless. He smiled indulgently, and she held in a sigh of relief. Next her eyes found Trent, who was giving her a slightly odd look. She smiled at him, but opted for walking over to her sisters, who were all congregated at one of the tables. It didn't really surprise her that they were giggling over dancing with Jim, though the way Sadiki was looking at her was cause for worry. She shook her head and told them all to behave, trying her hardest not to look at Jim. It still felt as if she could sense his presence, and she surreptitiously payed attention to where he was so that she could notice the guitar once he'd gone.
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