Death Day - A Few Days Late
Okay. So, this post is a few days overdue, but it is my annual post none-the-less. Normally, I try to do it on Death Day itself, but there were things going on that day that made it unlikely that I was going to post. I had grand plans of getting out of the house that day, but one thing lead to another and well - needless to say, we just went to lunch that was pretty much it. It was not the day I had planned, and I was mostly miserable (as expected) that day.
In any case….
This year, the anniversary of my mother’s death, has been perhaps one of the worst for me. It’s been 16 years, the official anniversary was on Saturday, July 21st, and so you would think things would be easier with time, and normally they are. But not this year. I’m certain it’s because I’m getting married this year, and I’m feeling the sting of not having her around to help me plan anything. I’ve caught myself several times going from completely fine to being in absolute tears because she’s not there to share things with me. The moment could strike me at any time. I’ll be driving down the road, be-bopping to music and it hits. Or, I’ll be cooking dinner. Or, reading email. Or, any other number of things.
She and I used to go shopping together. I know, I hate shopping, but it was different with her. She helped me with every single formal dress I’ve ever purchased, and she had a very good sense of all the things I liked. If I couldn’t go with her, usually she’d bring something home for me if she got something for herself. She’d walk around the store and help me pick out dresses or clothes, and offer her opinion on what looked good and what didn’t. She made shopping fun. If there was something I didn’t like, she’d put it back on the rack and look for other things that she thought would look nice on me - rinse, repeat, until we had something we could take home. I imagine that if she were still here, I’d be having that experience with her while shopping for wedding dresses.
But, it’s not just that. It’s everything else too. She meticulously kept up with all of the addresses and phone numbers of the family, and kept in contact with them from time to time to make certain she had the most up to date information. Now, that information is piecemeal. I might get a number from a sister, or find an aunt or uncle on Facebook, but there is no central person that keeps that information together.
My mother was the glue that kept our family, immediate and extended, together. She’d often invite them to our summer gatherings, at least my Aunt Irene and Uncle Harry, where she’d take some time to catch up with them, joke and have fun. The last really big function she attended was our family reunion the year that she was diagnosed with cancer; the last family function she got to enjoy before she became too sick. I think she would have enjoyed being with together with her family again at the wedding. She loved dancing, when she had a chance, and even took a dancing class or two.
She also loved baking and decorating cakes. I couldn’t help but think that she’d want to help with that part of the wedding. She made beautiful cakes, and had taken cake decorating classes. Though, I think, she would have equally enjoyed doing the cake testing with me as well. I ended up going alone, and bringing the sample cakes back with me so that Eric and I could try them together.
There are just so many things this year that are catching me off guard, though I try my best not to let them get me down. I know that she’ll be there, in her own way, in heart if not in spirit. This year, it’s just a little bit harder than others.
In any case….
This year, the anniversary of my mother’s death, has been perhaps one of the worst for me. It’s been 16 years, the official anniversary was on Saturday, July 21st, and so you would think things would be easier with time, and normally they are. But not this year. I’m certain it’s because I’m getting married this year, and I’m feeling the sting of not having her around to help me plan anything. I’ve caught myself several times going from completely fine to being in absolute tears because she’s not there to share things with me. The moment could strike me at any time. I’ll be driving down the road, be-bopping to music and it hits. Or, I’ll be cooking dinner. Or, reading email. Or, any other number of things.
She and I used to go shopping together. I know, I hate shopping, but it was different with her. She helped me with every single formal dress I’ve ever purchased, and she had a very good sense of all the things I liked. If I couldn’t go with her, usually she’d bring something home for me if she got something for herself. She’d walk around the store and help me pick out dresses or clothes, and offer her opinion on what looked good and what didn’t. She made shopping fun. If there was something I didn’t like, she’d put it back on the rack and look for other things that she thought would look nice on me - rinse, repeat, until we had something we could take home. I imagine that if she were still here, I’d be having that experience with her while shopping for wedding dresses.
But, it’s not just that. It’s everything else too. She meticulously kept up with all of the addresses and phone numbers of the family, and kept in contact with them from time to time to make certain she had the most up to date information. Now, that information is piecemeal. I might get a number from a sister, or find an aunt or uncle on Facebook, but there is no central person that keeps that information together.
My mother was the glue that kept our family, immediate and extended, together. She’d often invite them to our summer gatherings, at least my Aunt Irene and Uncle Harry, where she’d take some time to catch up with them, joke and have fun. The last really big function she attended was our family reunion the year that she was diagnosed with cancer; the last family function she got to enjoy before she became too sick. I think she would have enjoyed being with together with her family again at the wedding. She loved dancing, when she had a chance, and even took a dancing class or two.
She also loved baking and decorating cakes. I couldn’t help but think that she’d want to help with that part of the wedding. She made beautiful cakes, and had taken cake decorating classes. Though, I think, she would have equally enjoyed doing the cake testing with me as well. I ended up going alone, and bringing the sample cakes back with me so that Eric and I could try them together.
There are just so many things this year that are catching me off guard, though I try my best not to let them get me down. I know that she’ll be there, in her own way, in heart if not in spirit. This year, it’s just a little bit harder than others.