My consciousness is a snake eating its own tail...
I have the song Eraser by Nine Inch Nails playing on repeat because it is... soothing? It's kind of like, if my broken brain were to create a song, then that song would be the result.
I'm having a really hard time coming to grips with the realization that I'm not entirely okay. The only reason people like me is because of my weirdness and unconventionalism. If that is just because of my brain damage, and should I become "cured" one day, then what of me is left? How much of me is even me and not a fucking disease of the mind? Will who I think I am be erased? One of the only things that has always kept me away from oblivion is that I love my uniqueness, and I wouldn't trade my personality, my sense of self, for anything in the world. And now, will I lose my sense of self through all of this? Am I already starting to fade away? Is that why I keep having suicidal thoughts pop up that I keep having to bat away like an annoying housefly?
I am sober from everything for once in my life and my creativity is back, but there is still some resistance in me and that is enough to keep me from making anything of it. But goddamnit I am determined to turn all of this into something positive. Perhaps I just need to keep pushing against the resistance and say fuck it, fuck you, fuck that, until I get it done.
My motivation is shit. I can't even motivate myself to take a shower regularly. If that isn't a red flag right there, then I don't know what is. Even my diet has been suffering. I don't even eat as much as I used to. I'm still eating enough, but there was a time a few weeks ago where I could barely eat anything for an entire week. I wanted to eat, but it was like... everything was rotten even though it wasn't. Kind of hard to explain, but that was one of the roughest weeks of my life. I wanted to claw my brain out of my skull. In a way, it felt like my body was doing some weird detox. I have a feeling I'm not done going through whatever it was trying to do then. This medication is the bane of my existence, but perhaps it is also my savior. My body is screaming to stop taking it, but my intuition is telling me to suck it up and keep trudging along, and so I will to the best of my ability.
Anyway, I find it kind of ironic that I'm listening to The Downward Spiral again when I haven't listened to Nine Inch Nails regularly in over a decade.