Dear Friends
I just wanted to write & say sorry for not being around much or staying in contact these past few months. I always seem to deny things when they’re tough and I hate being a burden to my friends all the time but I know my withdrawal is a direct result of my Borderline Personality Disorder too, I’m torn by the guilt of not staying in touch & feeling guilty for being a burden if I do, stupid I know & I’m sorry. It’s gotten to the point sadly that I find it very hard to leave the house or even answer the phone, sometimes taking hours to work myself up enough just to go to the doctors or do the grocery shopping. I also beat myself up every week for not going to Church, I do miss it soo much, miss catching up with everyone and it kills me when I don’t make it, every week I go thru the same thing, Saturday night I try to get an early night and try not to over do things that day, try to give myself the very best chance of making it Sunday but then I wake up and it’s either after 11am already or I’m just waay too sore or the demons of the BPD are screaming in my head & I don’t want to leave the sanctuary of my home =(
It doesn’t help that my health is getting worse & the daily pain is almost unbearable at times, I’m finally seeing a physio to get some help which was a rude awakening but also good because I was finally ready to listen & do what I was told. The first thing he banned me from was walking & using stairs & limiting my time doing “everything” & I do mean everything including cooking, cleaning, sitting at the computer, to 30minutes, I have to change whatever I’m doing every 30minutes. The first couple of days I did it I found it was fantastic, not so much pain and I actually got more done *lol* sadly old habits are hard to break mainly with sitting on the computer =\ but I’m getting there slowly, he’s also helped greatly in helping me to understand that there are just some things I can’t do and that I have to have a lay down every day just to get thru, that was a major mind adjustment for me, still working on it, because I beat myself up soo badly everyday for not being able to do things or for laying down for an hour or so every day =( The physio also wants me to be going to the indoor heated pool 3 times a week, has done so for over a month now and I finally made it today & got the shock of my life, despite the pain I was in I made myself go but I only managed to walk 9 laps, but that’s ok the Physio said no swimming whatsoever, gave me some stretches and told me to not push myself, as soon as it started to hurt to stop, I guess he meant hurt more then usual *lol* so 15 minutes stretching in the hot spa, 15 minutes to do those 9 laps =( & another 15 mins in the spa just to try to soothe the aches & my knees just about buckled each time I got out =(
Anyhow there’s much more I could say, probably should but for now I think that’s enough
Love
Kylie
It doesn’t help that my health is getting worse & the daily pain is almost unbearable at times, I’m finally seeing a physio to get some help which was a rude awakening but also good because I was finally ready to listen & do what I was told. The first thing he banned me from was walking & using stairs & limiting my time doing “everything” & I do mean everything including cooking, cleaning, sitting at the computer, to 30minutes, I have to change whatever I’m doing every 30minutes. The first couple of days I did it I found it was fantastic, not so much pain and I actually got more done *lol* sadly old habits are hard to break mainly with sitting on the computer =\ but I’m getting there slowly, he’s also helped greatly in helping me to understand that there are just some things I can’t do and that I have to have a lay down every day just to get thru, that was a major mind adjustment for me, still working on it, because I beat myself up soo badly everyday for not being able to do things or for laying down for an hour or so every day =( The physio also wants me to be going to the indoor heated pool 3 times a week, has done so for over a month now and I finally made it today & got the shock of my life, despite the pain I was in I made myself go but I only managed to walk 9 laps, but that’s ok the Physio said no swimming whatsoever, gave me some stretches and told me to not push myself, as soon as it started to hurt to stop, I guess he meant hurt more then usual *lol* so 15 minutes stretching in the hot spa, 15 minutes to do those 9 laps =( & another 15 mins in the spa just to try to soothe the aches & my knees just about buckled each time I got out =(
Anyhow there’s much more I could say, probably should but for now I think that’s enough
Love
Kylie