My 100 Favorite Things # 13
My favorite thing number 13 is being able to start over again. Every day is a new beginning for me, a new opportunity to make the best of my life and be happy. And every day I begin with the best of intentions, my heart and my head open and as prepared for what life brings my way as I can be. But then things happen that I couldn't prepare myself for, didn't know to prepare myself for, and I stumble and fall again. Once more, I have to pick myself up off the ground and try again. Sometimes I only have to repeat a few steps, but many times I've had to start at the beginning and learn the basics all over again. This may sound tiresome, and sometimes it is, but it is also a blessing because if I couldn't start over I wouldn't be here to share this with you today.
Starting over for me has often meant struggling to find out who I am and what I want in this life. The first 30 years of my life were devoted to making my Mom happy, being who she wanted me to be, and I never had my own identity. Then Mom passed away just before my 30th birthday and I was lost without her giving me a purpose for being alive. I had a severe mental breakdown and my illness took over for the next several years of my life, making me a prisoner inside my own mind. Now I'm 43 years old and I feel like I'm only 21 and just starting out, trying to find my place in this world. My meds are finally in balance with my body to help keep my illness under control and I am able to live a much better life than before. If only my physical condition would remain healthy, I'd be riding high! But, that's not meant to be for me. Never the less, I am doing pretty well!
I have never had very lofty goals in life. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I thought with those simple dreams, how could they possibly not come true? I was so terribly wrong. My mental illness stood in the way of me even having a chance to have any relationship with the opposite sex beyond friendship. I was sending out signals that I wasn't even aware of letting boys and later men know that I was not ready for dating. And my body was physically telling me that having children might be a problem, too. I had severe bleeding and horrible pain with my monthly cycle from the beginning and it only grew worse as I got older. I had three surgeries for endometriosis, a cyst removed from an ovary, uterine ablation, shots that put me in a false state of menopause, and took numerous different doses and types of the birth control pill all in the name of trying to get my periods regulated and under control. None of it helped. It got to the point where I was bleeding and in pain every day. Finally, my OB/GYN agreed that we had tried all the options available to us and it was time to perform a partial hysterectomy. I was 36 when my uterus was removed. My dream of carrying and giving birth to my own children was gone. But I still believed that if I was meant to be a mother, I would be one day.
As a lonely adult woman with no dating experience, I allowed friends to set me up with dates here and there that unfortunately never amounted to anything and I eventually turned to online dating services. This lead to nothing but bad experiences for me from being stood up at a restaurant, to being nearly raped on a date. I cancelled my accounts on the services after that horrible encounter. And now I'm left wondering at my age, how does a shy, quiet, sweet, honest, person with some problems meet a decent, safe guy? Is there anyone out there for me after all? Or am I not meant to have a husband or children at all? And this brings me back to starting over. I have decided that I am not going to sit around moping because my dreams aren't coming true. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I will be the best me I can be on my own. It's not what I had planned or hoped for, but it is what it is, so I need to get on with life and start making the most of it. And that's exactly what I'm going to do!
Starting over for me has often meant struggling to find out who I am and what I want in this life. The first 30 years of my life were devoted to making my Mom happy, being who she wanted me to be, and I never had my own identity. Then Mom passed away just before my 30th birthday and I was lost without her giving me a purpose for being alive. I had a severe mental breakdown and my illness took over for the next several years of my life, making me a prisoner inside my own mind. Now I'm 43 years old and I feel like I'm only 21 and just starting out, trying to find my place in this world. My meds are finally in balance with my body to help keep my illness under control and I am able to live a much better life than before. If only my physical condition would remain healthy, I'd be riding high! But, that's not meant to be for me. Never the less, I am doing pretty well!
I have never had very lofty goals in life. All I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother. I thought with those simple dreams, how could they possibly not come true? I was so terribly wrong. My mental illness stood in the way of me even having a chance to have any relationship with the opposite sex beyond friendship. I was sending out signals that I wasn't even aware of letting boys and later men know that I was not ready for dating. And my body was physically telling me that having children might be a problem, too. I had severe bleeding and horrible pain with my monthly cycle from the beginning and it only grew worse as I got older. I had three surgeries for endometriosis, a cyst removed from an ovary, uterine ablation, shots that put me in a false state of menopause, and took numerous different doses and types of the birth control pill all in the name of trying to get my periods regulated and under control. None of it helped. It got to the point where I was bleeding and in pain every day. Finally, my OB/GYN agreed that we had tried all the options available to us and it was time to perform a partial hysterectomy. I was 36 when my uterus was removed. My dream of carrying and giving birth to my own children was gone. But I still believed that if I was meant to be a mother, I would be one day.
As a lonely adult woman with no dating experience, I allowed friends to set me up with dates here and there that unfortunately never amounted to anything and I eventually turned to online dating services. This lead to nothing but bad experiences for me from being stood up at a restaurant, to being nearly raped on a date. I cancelled my accounts on the services after that horrible encounter. And now I'm left wondering at my age, how does a shy, quiet, sweet, honest, person with some problems meet a decent, safe guy? Is there anyone out there for me after all? Or am I not meant to have a husband or children at all? And this brings me back to starting over. I have decided that I am not going to sit around moping because my dreams aren't coming true. I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on. I will be the best me I can be on my own. It's not what I had planned or hoped for, but it is what it is, so I need to get on with life and start making the most of it. And that's exactly what I'm going to do!