Since I've been Loving You Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Jensen:
The more he hangs out with Jared, the happier he feels. The nightmares are practically gone. Everyday
life is just... easier. He feels lighter. In fact, he finds himself coming home whistling quite a bit.
Life just seems better.
It's been two weeks since the first time they ran into each other, and they've had lunch together
everyday. Jensen finds himself secretly loving his nickname. If that's what you can call it. Ja-Danny.
It's the closest someone outside of the family has gotten to saying his name and Jensen loves the sound
of it. It feels wonderful to almost be recognized as who you really are after years of hiding.
He's laying on his bed daydreaming about Jared (he swears, if he's not careful, he's going to start PMS-
ing soon, because, seriously, daydreaming?) when his phone rings.
“Hello?” he answers, still lost in his thoughts about Jared.
“Hey, Jen,” he hears from the other line. It's Mac. He winces at the casual use of his name. She
just doesn't understand that she can't do that. They're not the “Ackle's Family” anymore, they're the
Cauthorns and they all have new names to go with it. Phone calls are no excuse. Anyone could be
listening.
“Oh, hey, Anna,” he says, using her alias, like they're supposed to. “And I told you, not to call me
that,” he finishes, being specific enough for her to know that he's referring to his name and vague
enough that anyone on his side will think it's just a hated nick-name. He can practically hear her roll
her eyes.
“Yeah, whatever, Danny,” she says. “Anyways, I was calling to ask what you're getting mom and dad
for their anniversary this year.”
“Hm?” Jensen asks, sounding confused. “Is that soon?”
“Danny,” Mac whines. “Yes, it's soon! It's their 30th, so it has to be special. God, do you pay attention
at all?”
“Not really. How's school?” he asks then, to get her off the subject. He isn't looking forward to being
scolded by his baby sister.
“Oh, it's great! I met this really hot guy. I think he likes me, too...” Jensen lets her talk, adding little
affirmative noises and hums where necessary and tunes her out, thinking about Jared.
“Dan. Dan. Jensen!” Jensen jerks out of his daydreaming and realizes that his sister was looking for a
real answer.
“Um, yes?” he says, hoping she asked a yes or no question.
She sighs into the phone. “You haven't been listening. What has you so distracted. What's her name? Is
she hot?”
“What?” asks Jensen, confused at the sudden turn of the situation.
“Or, I suppose, he. Is he hot?” she says, like that's somehow an improvement.
“WHAT?!” he asks loudly into the phone.
“Oh, please Dan. You can't be that far into the closet.”
“B-b.... w-what, I mean,” he splutters.
“You're probably the last person that knows about your sexuality. I mean, come on, Jen. It's kinda
obvious.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” Jensen's cheeks are hot and flaming red, he is sure; he can
feel the heat spreading.
“Seriously, Jen? You really are deep in that closet. I've known for a long time. I mean, you're not
flaming or anything, but you're just... I don't know. Not straight.”
“I'm not gay!” Jensen finally yells. “I can't be-” he trails off as memories of his only sexual experience
come back. Not exactly consensual or enjoyable. He can't be gay.
“Oh, Jen,” she says quietly, understanding what he's been trying to say. “It's not bad. It's just-”
“I didn't say it was!” he yells, “Just-just, I'm not! You know what, I'm done. End of discussion. Bye.”
And with that he hangs up the phone.
He notices the tears on his cheeks and throws his phone angrily across the room. He's not gay. He can't
be gay. He's not.
But, once he thinks about it, he's never been attracted to girls. Not even before...
Everyone had just assumed he was a late bloomer, but he feels more aroused thinking about walking
around the locker room in the gym and Jared's smile, than he does with Josh's old skin mags and that
girl he dated a few years back.
Oh, god, maybe he is gay. Jensen finds himself wanting to sob. He can't be gay because that would
mean that he won, that he made him gay. It's just not possible, he tells himself over and over again.
He eventually falls asleep, and really hopes that Misha doesn't notices how upset he is when he comes back.
****
Jensen wakes up the next morning just as conflicted as he was the night before. He sees Misha already
up and moving, as per usual, but doesn't feel motivated to do anything.
“Meesh?” he finally asks.
“Yeah, Dan?” he says, sounding more worried than Jensen thought his tone designated. He'd been
acting weird the past few days though.
“I-I,” he stutters, trying to phrase what he wants to phrase. “I think I might be, um, gay, maybe. A bit.”
“And?” asks Misha, turning around to look at Jensen.
“And-. Wait, what?” asks Jensen, confused.
“I thought you were already out and all,” responds Misha simply.
“Seriously?” asks Jensen, because, really, first Mac and now Misha? Is he that obvious?
“Yeah. Were you not?”
“Am I that obvious? I didn't even consider the possibility until last night!” Jensen yells, annoyed.
“Really? Your Jared Padalecki obsession didn't tip you off at all? You really are oblivious, Dan,”
Misha laughs.
“I'm not obsessed!” he whines indignantly.
“Sure,” responds Misha skeptically. “That's why every other word you say is 'Jared.'”
Jensen starts to object before he realizes that Misha is right and just sticks his tongue out, then stomps
to the bathroom with his clothes for the day to shower.
Jared
Jared's hanging off the end of his bed, feeling quite troubled. In the past two weeks, he's realized just
how much he really does like Danny and really really wants to ask him out. Every second without
him feels like a slow form of torture ripping his chest apart, and doesn't that just sound like something
straight from a corny romance?
“I've decided,” he announces aloud.
“Mm-hmm,” hums Chris from where he's sitting with a sports magazine on the other bed, clearly
uninterested. Jared continues anyways.
“At the danger of becoming a bad romance novel, I will ask him if he's gay-”
“Ah,” Chris puts in to sound as if he's listening.
“-and if he says yes, I will hint around for awhile, then ask him out. It's decided.”
“Oh,” Chris hums yet again, to Jared's profuse annoyance.
“Aren't you even going to ask who?” Jared demands.
“I don't have to.”
“You don't?” Jared replies, sounding confused.
“It's Danny. Every fucking word out of your mouth is “Danny this” or “Danny that.” I kinda wish
you'd skip the part where you ask whether he's gay or not and just get the hell to it. Maybe get laid.
Then you can stop being a damn chick.”
Had any one else told him that, Jared would have been offended, but Chris is just so... Chris, that it
doesn't really matter. He's not trying to be mean.
“Whatever, douche,” Jared tells him and throws a pair of rolled up socks at his head, then turns
over. “I'm getting some sleep.”
And, even though he really tries, Jared gets absolutely no sleep.
***
The next morning, rather than being tired, Jared finds himself jittery and more hyper-active than usual.
Which is saying something.
He speaks million words a minute at Chris while happily (nervously) skipping around the room and
getting ready. Chris, who is half asleep, finally chucks a hairbrush at him, and Jared shuts up.
Through all his morning classes Jared could hardly focus and found himself getting annoyingly
nervous. Like, right before you're supposed to get on stage or in front of a crowd and the closer it gets
the time to be on stage, the worse the anxiety is, until you're done.
And the annoying thing is, or so Jared tells himself, is that this isn't that big of a deal. It's just asking
about his orientation. Jared's never been too shy about that in the past. Hell, Jared's never been too
shy about anything. Maybe the first time he asked someone out he was nervous, but he's normally so
confident that he doesn't have problems. But Danny Cauthorn seems to throw everything off.
By the time Jared's walking to the psychology building, he's mess and just wants to run home and
chicken out, but he can't. He tells himself that he'll have to do this sooner or later and it's not like he's
even asking him the fuck out yet!
“Hey!” Jensen calls loudly from across the hallway and smiles his big, sparkly smile as he approaches
Jared.
'Here it goes ...' Jared thinks.
“H-hi,” Jared starts, but his voice cracks part way through the syllable and it comes out unintelligibly.
He clears his throat. “Hi.”
“Um, hi,” replies Jensen, noticing that something is off immediately. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just, uh, allergies. Yeah. That's it. Allergies,” Jared rather clumsily lies.
“If you say so,” Jensen says skeptically before realizing that they need to get to class or risk being late
and incurring the wrath of their professor.
'After class,' Jared promises himself. 'I'll ask after class, for sure.'
They sit through their class, though Jared absorbs absolutely nothing of what the teacher is saying and
feels even worse when it's time to leave.
They leave the room in a comfortable, albeit unusual, silence. They're crossing a courtyard when Jared
finally says:
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Jensen says immediately.
“Are you gay?” he unceremoniously blurts. The pause between that question and Jensen's response
seemed to be unending.
What if he says no? That means I'll have to life forever just out of his reach and I'll never be with the
love of my life and the pain in my chest will never go away and I'll be miserable forever and-
“Why?” Jensen responds sounding guarded. “Are you?”
“Well, uh,” Jared has never been shy about his sexuality, but he really doesn't want to lose his best
friend. 'If he doesn't like you because of who you are, he doesn't deserve to be your friend' a little voice
in the back of his head is telling him, but it's over-ridden by the other voice yelling, 'he'll hate you and
your life without him will suck.'
“Yes,” Jared finally says. “Yeah, I'm gay.”
Jensen nods and sits on the grass for a second, looking thoughtful and beautiful as he holds a piece of
grass in his hand and tears it apart. Jared looks at him curiously for a bit, before clearing his throat to
hint that he would like an answer.
“I-I don't really know,” Jensen says slowly, “I mean, I'm not sure. I think I might be, I've never really
liked girls before, they're too... I don't know, soft, but I've never really noticed guys that much either.
Well, until recently. And everyone around me seems to know more about my sexuality that I do, so
maybe? I think I am.” He stops and looks straight into Jared's eyes with an intensity that makes Jared
start sweating and burn. “Yeah, I think I am.”
Jared finds all the little nervous butterflies that had been tap-dancing in he stomach gone and replaced
with utter, complete joy. He throws his head back and lets out a booming Padalecki laugh that causes
everyone around him to jump and stare, before going back to whatever it was that they were doing.
Jared sits on the grass with Jensen and gently tugs the piece of grass from his hand, before twisting it
into a circle and getting on one knee.
“What are you doing you dork?” Jensen asks, becoming a bit uneasy with the turn of events and sudden
realization of his sexual identity.
“Will you, Ja-Danny I-don't-know-you're-middle-name Cauthorn the Tiny, go on a college kid budget
date with me?”
Danny looks at Jared with confusion in his eyes, but Jared continues trying to appear confident and
smiles enticingly.
“We have cookies... if you know what I mean,” he says with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Jensen cracks up. “Ah, why the hell not. Let's get pizza on Friday.”
“Excellent!” exclaims Jared, almost crushing his grass ring, but doesn't and gently places it around
Jensen's finger.
Jensen's POV
“Is this too formal?” Jensen asks staring in the mirror, messing the the collar of his button-down shirt
and pulling at his khakis.
“I honestly have no idea,” Misha replies, staring the ceiling and bored out of his mind. “I'm not a chick.
Just wea jeans and t-shirt and a hoodie or whatever.”
“But what if that's too informal?” Jensen all but wails.
“You're going to a pizza place. You'll be fine, Dan,” Misha tells him, rolling at his friend's over
dramatic whining. He'd been ecstatic when he's found out Jensen had a date (he never said anything,
but Jensen could tell) but now seemed to be getting annoyed with actually dealing with a self-conscious
Jensen before going.
“If you say so,” Jensen replies skeptically, but changes into a pair of blue jeans with an old concert Tee
and his burnt-orange UT sweatshirt on top anyways.
He nervously paces the room while Misha is laying on the bed and trying to read a book. Trying being
the key word.
“Would you kindly sit?” he finally asks annoyed.
“What?” Jensen responds, genuinely confused. He looks so much like a kicked puppy, that Misha
immediately feels guilty for his harsh tone.
“Just... you know, sit. Or something. Stop moving around.”
“Oh,” Jensen says and stiffly sits on the wooden chair they keep, but one of his leg is bouncing so much because
he's so tense, it doesn't do anything.
They finally hear a knock at the door to inform that Jared has arrived.
“Finally,” Misha murmurs while Jensen all but flies to the door in his haste to open it.
“Hi Jared,” he says with a wide smile on his face sounding breathless.
“Hey J-Danny,” Jared greets with a mischievous yet sweet smile. Jensen glares at him.
“J-Danny?” Misha butts in, glancing at the two with a raised eyebrow. “And here I thought I knew
everything you said to each other.
Jensen blushes.
“Yeah, well, I didn't want to risk you picking up the nickname,” Jensen tells his friend, which is
basically true. He just doesn't want anyone but Jared using the name. It's special.
“Jerk,” Misha tells him.
Jensen just smiles at him and waves goodbye before he and Jared walk out.
Jared has his car sitting outside and it's love at first sight. A shiny black '69 Impala, mint condition.
“Dude. No fuckin' way. Don't tell me you drive that and haven't mentioned before,” Jensen says in
absolute awe with his date's car.
“Um...” Jared starts. “I take it you like it?”
“Hell yeah I like her!”
“Her?” Jared says, an amused smirk growing on his face.
“Yeah. Her. Come on man, treat your baby with some respect. She's a her,” Jensen says, in complete
seriousness as he walks around the car.
“Careful, I'll start to get jealous of her,” Jared says while continuing to smile at his date. “Should I
name her, too?”
Jensen gives him a weird look. “Now that's just silly,” he says. “Come on! Let's go!” and with that, he
jumps into the passenger seat of the car.
“Of course,” he hears Jared murmur to himself from outside the car. “She's a girl, obviously, but can't
be named. Makes perfect sense!” Jensen giggles from inside and feels ultra-gay when he realizes that
he fucking giggled.
Jared gets in the driver's side and starts the car, and it might be the loudest car Jensen has ever heard.
He can't believe that he didn't hear it pull up.
Jared hits play on the tape player of the car and Jensen wrinkles his nose at it.
“I need to introduce you to good music,” Jensen informs Jared.
“What's wrong with this?” Jared asks, referring to the Poison tape in the player.
“It's a crappy eighty's hair band.”
“Oh, Ouch. Tell me how you really feel,” Jared says, faking hurt.
Jensen rolls his eyes. “The truth hurts. Now, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Queen... those are good bands.”
“Whatever,” Jared says, turning the volume up and singing loudly and out of tune along with the song.
Jensen glares at the man (child?) and tries to ignore him. “Next time, I'm supplying the music.”
“Next time?” Jared asks, and Jensen can't tell if it's hopeful or worried. He really hopes for the later,
though he can't help but think that maybe he asked because he doesn't plan on anymore dates. That he
doesn't like Jensen like Jensen likes him.
“Yeah, next time. Isn't that how these things are usually done?” Jensen asks timidly, genuinely curious.
He'd never really been on a date in all his nineteen years.
“Well, yeah, I'd hoped, but I wasn't sure...” Jared trails off nervously.
“Sure about what?” Jensen prompts, taking the opportunity to turn down the music.
“Sure you'd want to,” he finishes quietly. Jensen let's out a loud, relieved laugh.
“I was thinking the same thing about you,” he clarifies when Jared looks annoyed at the laugh. Jared
laughs with him, then turns up the music and continues singing loudly with it, their serious moment
completely forgotten.
They pull up to the little local pizza place, Joe's Pizza, and walk in. It's by no means an expensive or
fancy place, but the food is good and Jared knows the owner because he likes to make friends with
everyone he meets. A talent Jensen doesn't think he'll never posses.
Jared smiles at the waitress that comes over to take their order and is flirting with him, but gives no
attention beyond casual talking. He eventually grabs Jensen's hand, however, when she continues her
blatant flirting.
Jensen feels like he's on Cloud Nine and can't care that the few people in the restaurant are looking at
them weird with their hands clasped.
Jensen orders a Dr. Pepper, Jared a Coke, and they share a large pepperoni pizza.
In Jensen's opinion, it's been the best night of his life so far, and all they've done is sat in an old, cheap
pizza parlor eating a giant pizza and telling stupid jokes. Like they did when they were still just friends.
Jared's still a complete dork and Jensen's still shockingly comfortable with the tall man and everything
seems so natural. They're still best friends and their relationship doesn't seem all that different except
for an amazing feeling of love and freedom that wasn't always there before.
They leave around 7:00 and by that time, being that it's October, it is dark out. Jensen is giggling
at some stupid joke that Jared says (and trying to reconcile with himself that being in a relationship
apparently means he was going to start giggling far more often than he would like) and clinging to his
arm like a lovesick teenager. He doesn't stop smiling while they load up in Jared's kick-ass car and he
drives him back to his dorm.
Jared, like a gentleman, insists that Jensen stays in the car until Jared runs around and opens the door
despite Jensen's protests that, “he's not a fucking girl.”
Jared also insists on walking Jensen up to his door, which Jensen has no objections to. Rather than
immediately opening the door in the hallway, Jensen turns to shyly thank Jared for a wonderful evening
and say goodbye when Jared leans forwards and gives him a kiss.
Jensen stands stock-still for a moment when he realizes that Jared's lips are on his. The only kiss he's
ever had was from the man who kidnapped him. Christopher Davis is his name, that's what the FBI was able to tell him, and
it was nothing like this. Jared's lips weren't possessive or harsh. They just chastely and softly move
against Jensen's own and after a moment, Jensen wraps his arms around Jared and starts reciprocating
the surprisingly intimate kiss. It feels like an eternity has passed when Jared finally pulls off and Jensen
makes a small sound at the back of his throat in disappointment.
He opens his eyes and looks up at Jared's smiling brown ones, and feels so at home just looking at his
wonderful love.
“Good night, Danny,” Jared says lovingly before waking back to the car, and Jensen reluctantly goes
inside to his room.
Jared's POV
Jared happily whistles as he cleans his dorm room. Chris called him a nerd when he walked in earlier, then quickly left again, but Jared likes to clean when he's happy. When he's happy, he feels proactive and when he feels proactive, he cleans. Besides, god knows his room needs it.
His date with Danny might have been the best thing ever. Sure, he'd had more expensive, fancier dates, lots of them, but everything in Danny's presence feels... perfect.
He knows it sounds corny, but it's the only way Jared knows how to describe their relationship. His little sister had made fun of him when he's called her the night before, secretly, of course. Mom and Dad wouldn't want their baby girl influenced by the homosexual devil, he thinks bitterly.
He plays with his phone in his hands, thinking about calling Danny, when it goes off.
He screams in high-pitched tone from surprise and Chris laughs at him from where he's sitting on his own bed.
Jared glares at him, before answering.
“Hello?” he says.
“Hey, Jared, it's uh, it's me,” a shy, nervous voice from the other end says. He smiles, realizing that it's Danny.
“Hi Danny!” he replies excitedly. “I was just thinkin' about calling you.”
“Really?” Jensen asks.
“Yep,” Jared responds in a very satisfactory manner. “Great minds think alike, you know.”
“I do have a great mind...”
“Arrogant much, J-Danny?” Jared asks with a laugh.
“Not arrogant. Just honest.” Jared can practically see the little sparkle Danny's eyes get when they start joking and the smile he just can't keep off his face.
“Well, I love your mind,” Jared says without thinking.
“Love?” Jensen asks. He makes it sound like the word is totally foreign. He sounds almost terrified. Jared wants to hit his head against the wall until he manages to knock the whole “think before you speak” thing into his head.
“Shit. I didn't mean, like love love. I meant like just, you know, love. Brotherly love and stuff...” he trails off lamely, realizing how much of deeper hole he's digging himself.
“Brotherly love?”
This time, Jared does hit his head against the wall. Who compares how they feel about their boyfriend to their brother?!
“Um... well, you know what I meant. Not as in I think of you as a family member because I'm not all pro-incest or anything, I promise, but I love things about you without actually loving you... Not that I don't love because I do just not in an “I expect you to return it” way,” he attempts to correct himself.
“Jared,” Jensen says.
“Yes?” he says nervously.
“Stop while your still somewhat ahead,” Jensen tells him. Jared is sure he's smirking on the other line. 'Bastard,' Jared thought, 'letting me go on like that when he knew full and well what I'd meant.'
“Oh thank, God,” Jared breathed in relief. “You're the best, sweetie.”
“Ugghhh,” Jensen groans from the other line Jared's confused.
“What's the matter?” He asks worriedly.
“We're not going to be one of those couple are we?” He asks. Jared's heart starts pounding at the term couples (Jensen is serious about this!) and it takes him a second to digest the question.
“What do you mean? What type of couple?”
“The annoyingly cute ones with way to many pet names than can possibly be good for anyone's health,” Jensen replies.
“I like pet-names!” Jared exclaims indignantly.
“So I've noticed...”
“What's that supposed to mean?” Jared asks, acting playfully annoyed.
“Nothin'. Just so long as we don't become that couple people can't be around because we call each other “sweetie pie honey cake” and “cute butter muffin” and make noises to each other all the time,” Jensen says. Jared wrinkles his nose at the description of couples.
“Dude. I'm gay, but I'm not that gay.”
He hears Jensen's cute laugh from the other line and it makes him smile. He loves Jensen's laugh. It's so sweet and innocent. Most of the time, Jensen has this almost jaded, sad air about himself that Jared can't figure out, but there are times like this where he completely lets go. Jared loves it.
Jared just listens to his boyfriend talk and talk and talk like he almost never does and feels happier than he ever has.
Chapter 4: http://nympha-fluminis.livejournal.com/6097.html
Jensen:
The more he hangs out with Jared, the happier he feels. The nightmares are practically gone. Everyday
life is just... easier. He feels lighter. In fact, he finds himself coming home whistling quite a bit.
Life just seems better.
It's been two weeks since the first time they ran into each other, and they've had lunch together
everyday. Jensen finds himself secretly loving his nickname. If that's what you can call it. Ja-Danny.
It's the closest someone outside of the family has gotten to saying his name and Jensen loves the sound
of it. It feels wonderful to almost be recognized as who you really are after years of hiding.
He's laying on his bed daydreaming about Jared (he swears, if he's not careful, he's going to start PMS-
ing soon, because, seriously, daydreaming?) when his phone rings.
“Hello?” he answers, still lost in his thoughts about Jared.
“Hey, Jen,” he hears from the other line. It's Mac. He winces at the casual use of his name. She
just doesn't understand that she can't do that. They're not the “Ackle's Family” anymore, they're the
Cauthorns and they all have new names to go with it. Phone calls are no excuse. Anyone could be
listening.
“Oh, hey, Anna,” he says, using her alias, like they're supposed to. “And I told you, not to call me
that,” he finishes, being specific enough for her to know that he's referring to his name and vague
enough that anyone on his side will think it's just a hated nick-name. He can practically hear her roll
her eyes.
“Yeah, whatever, Danny,” she says. “Anyways, I was calling to ask what you're getting mom and dad
for their anniversary this year.”
“Hm?” Jensen asks, sounding confused. “Is that soon?”
“Danny,” Mac whines. “Yes, it's soon! It's their 30th, so it has to be special. God, do you pay attention
at all?”
“Not really. How's school?” he asks then, to get her off the subject. He isn't looking forward to being
scolded by his baby sister.
“Oh, it's great! I met this really hot guy. I think he likes me, too...” Jensen lets her talk, adding little
affirmative noises and hums where necessary and tunes her out, thinking about Jared.
“Dan. Dan. Jensen!” Jensen jerks out of his daydreaming and realizes that his sister was looking for a
real answer.
“Um, yes?” he says, hoping she asked a yes or no question.
She sighs into the phone. “You haven't been listening. What has you so distracted. What's her name? Is
she hot?”
“What?” asks Jensen, confused at the sudden turn of the situation.
“Or, I suppose, he. Is he hot?” she says, like that's somehow an improvement.
“WHAT?!” he asks loudly into the phone.
“Oh, please Dan. You can't be that far into the closet.”
“B-b.... w-what, I mean,” he splutters.
“You're probably the last person that knows about your sexuality. I mean, come on, Jen. It's kinda
obvious.”
“What the hell are you talking about?!” Jensen's cheeks are hot and flaming red, he is sure; he can
feel the heat spreading.
“Seriously, Jen? You really are deep in that closet. I've known for a long time. I mean, you're not
flaming or anything, but you're just... I don't know. Not straight.”
“I'm not gay!” Jensen finally yells. “I can't be-” he trails off as memories of his only sexual experience
come back. Not exactly consensual or enjoyable. He can't be gay.
“Oh, Jen,” she says quietly, understanding what he's been trying to say. “It's not bad. It's just-”
“I didn't say it was!” he yells, “Just-just, I'm not! You know what, I'm done. End of discussion. Bye.”
And with that he hangs up the phone.
He notices the tears on his cheeks and throws his phone angrily across the room. He's not gay. He can't
be gay. He's not.
But, once he thinks about it, he's never been attracted to girls. Not even before...
Everyone had just assumed he was a late bloomer, but he feels more aroused thinking about walking
around the locker room in the gym and Jared's smile, than he does with Josh's old skin mags and that
girl he dated a few years back.
Oh, god, maybe he is gay. Jensen finds himself wanting to sob. He can't be gay because that would
mean that he won, that he made him gay. It's just not possible, he tells himself over and over again.
He eventually falls asleep, and really hopes that Misha doesn't notices how upset he is when he comes back.
****
Jensen wakes up the next morning just as conflicted as he was the night before. He sees Misha already
up and moving, as per usual, but doesn't feel motivated to do anything.
“Meesh?” he finally asks.
“Yeah, Dan?” he says, sounding more worried than Jensen thought his tone designated. He'd been
acting weird the past few days though.
“I-I,” he stutters, trying to phrase what he wants to phrase. “I think I might be, um, gay, maybe. A bit.”
“And?” asks Misha, turning around to look at Jensen.
“And-. Wait, what?” asks Jensen, confused.
“I thought you were already out and all,” responds Misha simply.
“Seriously?” asks Jensen, because, really, first Mac and now Misha? Is he that obvious?
“Yeah. Were you not?”
“Am I that obvious? I didn't even consider the possibility until last night!” Jensen yells, annoyed.
“Really? Your Jared Padalecki obsession didn't tip you off at all? You really are oblivious, Dan,”
Misha laughs.
“I'm not obsessed!” he whines indignantly.
“Sure,” responds Misha skeptically. “That's why every other word you say is 'Jared.'”
Jensen starts to object before he realizes that Misha is right and just sticks his tongue out, then stomps
to the bathroom with his clothes for the day to shower.
Jared
Jared's hanging off the end of his bed, feeling quite troubled. In the past two weeks, he's realized just
how much he really does like Danny and really really wants to ask him out. Every second without
him feels like a slow form of torture ripping his chest apart, and doesn't that just sound like something
straight from a corny romance?
“I've decided,” he announces aloud.
“Mm-hmm,” hums Chris from where he's sitting with a sports magazine on the other bed, clearly
uninterested. Jared continues anyways.
“At the danger of becoming a bad romance novel, I will ask him if he's gay-”
“Ah,” Chris puts in to sound as if he's listening.
“-and if he says yes, I will hint around for awhile, then ask him out. It's decided.”
“Oh,” Chris hums yet again, to Jared's profuse annoyance.
“Aren't you even going to ask who?” Jared demands.
“I don't have to.”
“You don't?” Jared replies, sounding confused.
“It's Danny. Every fucking word out of your mouth is “Danny this” or “Danny that.” I kinda wish
you'd skip the part where you ask whether he's gay or not and just get the hell to it. Maybe get laid.
Then you can stop being a damn chick.”
Had any one else told him that, Jared would have been offended, but Chris is just so... Chris, that it
doesn't really matter. He's not trying to be mean.
“Whatever, douche,” Jared tells him and throws a pair of rolled up socks at his head, then turns
over. “I'm getting some sleep.”
And, even though he really tries, Jared gets absolutely no sleep.
***
The next morning, rather than being tired, Jared finds himself jittery and more hyper-active than usual.
Which is saying something.
He speaks million words a minute at Chris while happily (nervously) skipping around the room and
getting ready. Chris, who is half asleep, finally chucks a hairbrush at him, and Jared shuts up.
Through all his morning classes Jared could hardly focus and found himself getting annoyingly
nervous. Like, right before you're supposed to get on stage or in front of a crowd and the closer it gets
the time to be on stage, the worse the anxiety is, until you're done.
And the annoying thing is, or so Jared tells himself, is that this isn't that big of a deal. It's just asking
about his orientation. Jared's never been too shy about that in the past. Hell, Jared's never been too
shy about anything. Maybe the first time he asked someone out he was nervous, but he's normally so
confident that he doesn't have problems. But Danny Cauthorn seems to throw everything off.
By the time Jared's walking to the psychology building, he's mess and just wants to run home and
chicken out, but he can't. He tells himself that he'll have to do this sooner or later and it's not like he's
even asking him the fuck out yet!
“Hey!” Jensen calls loudly from across the hallway and smiles his big, sparkly smile as he approaches
Jared.
'Here it goes ...' Jared thinks.
“H-hi,” Jared starts, but his voice cracks part way through the syllable and it comes out unintelligibly.
He clears his throat. “Hi.”
“Um, hi,” replies Jensen, noticing that something is off immediately. “You okay?”
“Yeah, just, uh, allergies. Yeah. That's it. Allergies,” Jared rather clumsily lies.
“If you say so,” Jensen says skeptically before realizing that they need to get to class or risk being late
and incurring the wrath of their professor.
'After class,' Jared promises himself. 'I'll ask after class, for sure.'
They sit through their class, though Jared absorbs absolutely nothing of what the teacher is saying and
feels even worse when it's time to leave.
They leave the room in a comfortable, albeit unusual, silence. They're crossing a courtyard when Jared
finally says:
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Jensen says immediately.
“Are you gay?” he unceremoniously blurts. The pause between that question and Jensen's response
seemed to be unending.
What if he says no? That means I'll have to life forever just out of his reach and I'll never be with the
love of my life and the pain in my chest will never go away and I'll be miserable forever and-
“Why?” Jensen responds sounding guarded. “Are you?”
“Well, uh,” Jared has never been shy about his sexuality, but he really doesn't want to lose his best
friend. 'If he doesn't like you because of who you are, he doesn't deserve to be your friend' a little voice
in the back of his head is telling him, but it's over-ridden by the other voice yelling, 'he'll hate you and
your life without him will suck.'
“Yes,” Jared finally says. “Yeah, I'm gay.”
Jensen nods and sits on the grass for a second, looking thoughtful and beautiful as he holds a piece of
grass in his hand and tears it apart. Jared looks at him curiously for a bit, before clearing his throat to
hint that he would like an answer.
“I-I don't really know,” Jensen says slowly, “I mean, I'm not sure. I think I might be, I've never really
liked girls before, they're too... I don't know, soft, but I've never really noticed guys that much either.
Well, until recently. And everyone around me seems to know more about my sexuality that I do, so
maybe? I think I am.” He stops and looks straight into Jared's eyes with an intensity that makes Jared
start sweating and burn. “Yeah, I think I am.”
Jared finds all the little nervous butterflies that had been tap-dancing in he stomach gone and replaced
with utter, complete joy. He throws his head back and lets out a booming Padalecki laugh that causes
everyone around him to jump and stare, before going back to whatever it was that they were doing.
Jared sits on the grass with Jensen and gently tugs the piece of grass from his hand, before twisting it
into a circle and getting on one knee.
“What are you doing you dork?” Jensen asks, becoming a bit uneasy with the turn of events and sudden
realization of his sexual identity.
“Will you, Ja-Danny I-don't-know-you're-middle-name Cauthorn the Tiny, go on a college kid budget
date with me?”
Danny looks at Jared with confusion in his eyes, but Jared continues trying to appear confident and
smiles enticingly.
“We have cookies... if you know what I mean,” he says with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Jensen cracks up. “Ah, why the hell not. Let's get pizza on Friday.”
“Excellent!” exclaims Jared, almost crushing his grass ring, but doesn't and gently places it around
Jensen's finger.
Jensen's POV
“Is this too formal?” Jensen asks staring in the mirror, messing the the collar of his button-down shirt
and pulling at his khakis.
“I honestly have no idea,” Misha replies, staring the ceiling and bored out of his mind. “I'm not a chick.
Just wea jeans and t-shirt and a hoodie or whatever.”
“But what if that's too informal?” Jensen all but wails.
“You're going to a pizza place. You'll be fine, Dan,” Misha tells him, rolling at his friend's over
dramatic whining. He'd been ecstatic when he's found out Jensen had a date (he never said anything,
but Jensen could tell) but now seemed to be getting annoyed with actually dealing with a self-conscious
Jensen before going.
“If you say so,” Jensen replies skeptically, but changes into a pair of blue jeans with an old concert Tee
and his burnt-orange UT sweatshirt on top anyways.
He nervously paces the room while Misha is laying on the bed and trying to read a book. Trying being
the key word.
“Would you kindly sit?” he finally asks annoyed.
“What?” Jensen responds, genuinely confused. He looks so much like a kicked puppy, that Misha
immediately feels guilty for his harsh tone.
“Just... you know, sit. Or something. Stop moving around.”
“Oh,” Jensen says and stiffly sits on the wooden chair they keep, but one of his leg is bouncing so much because
he's so tense, it doesn't do anything.
They finally hear a knock at the door to inform that Jared has arrived.
“Finally,” Misha murmurs while Jensen all but flies to the door in his haste to open it.
“Hi Jared,” he says with a wide smile on his face sounding breathless.
“Hey J-Danny,” Jared greets with a mischievous yet sweet smile. Jensen glares at him.
“J-Danny?” Misha butts in, glancing at the two with a raised eyebrow. “And here I thought I knew
everything you said to each other.
Jensen blushes.
“Yeah, well, I didn't want to risk you picking up the nickname,” Jensen tells his friend, which is
basically true. He just doesn't want anyone but Jared using the name. It's special.
“Jerk,” Misha tells him.
Jensen just smiles at him and waves goodbye before he and Jared walk out.
Jared has his car sitting outside and it's love at first sight. A shiny black '69 Impala, mint condition.
“Dude. No fuckin' way. Don't tell me you drive that and haven't mentioned before,” Jensen says in
absolute awe with his date's car.
“Um...” Jared starts. “I take it you like it?”
“Hell yeah I like her!”
“Her?” Jared says, an amused smirk growing on his face.
“Yeah. Her. Come on man, treat your baby with some respect. She's a her,” Jensen says, in complete
seriousness as he walks around the car.
“Careful, I'll start to get jealous of her,” Jared says while continuing to smile at his date. “Should I
name her, too?”
Jensen gives him a weird look. “Now that's just silly,” he says. “Come on! Let's go!” and with that, he
jumps into the passenger seat of the car.
“Of course,” he hears Jared murmur to himself from outside the car. “She's a girl, obviously, but can't
be named. Makes perfect sense!” Jensen giggles from inside and feels ultra-gay when he realizes that
he fucking giggled.
Jared gets in the driver's side and starts the car, and it might be the loudest car Jensen has ever heard.
He can't believe that he didn't hear it pull up.
Jared hits play on the tape player of the car and Jensen wrinkles his nose at it.
“I need to introduce you to good music,” Jensen informs Jared.
“What's wrong with this?” Jared asks, referring to the Poison tape in the player.
“It's a crappy eighty's hair band.”
“Oh, Ouch. Tell me how you really feel,” Jared says, faking hurt.
Jensen rolls his eyes. “The truth hurts. Now, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Queen... those are good bands.”
“Whatever,” Jared says, turning the volume up and singing loudly and out of tune along with the song.
Jensen glares at the man (child?) and tries to ignore him. “Next time, I'm supplying the music.”
“Next time?” Jared asks, and Jensen can't tell if it's hopeful or worried. He really hopes for the later,
though he can't help but think that maybe he asked because he doesn't plan on anymore dates. That he
doesn't like Jensen like Jensen likes him.
“Yeah, next time. Isn't that how these things are usually done?” Jensen asks timidly, genuinely curious.
He'd never really been on a date in all his nineteen years.
“Well, yeah, I'd hoped, but I wasn't sure...” Jared trails off nervously.
“Sure about what?” Jensen prompts, taking the opportunity to turn down the music.
“Sure you'd want to,” he finishes quietly. Jensen let's out a loud, relieved laugh.
“I was thinking the same thing about you,” he clarifies when Jared looks annoyed at the laugh. Jared
laughs with him, then turns up the music and continues singing loudly with it, their serious moment
completely forgotten.
They pull up to the little local pizza place, Joe's Pizza, and walk in. It's by no means an expensive or
fancy place, but the food is good and Jared knows the owner because he likes to make friends with
everyone he meets. A talent Jensen doesn't think he'll never posses.
Jared smiles at the waitress that comes over to take their order and is flirting with him, but gives no
attention beyond casual talking. He eventually grabs Jensen's hand, however, when she continues her
blatant flirting.
Jensen feels like he's on Cloud Nine and can't care that the few people in the restaurant are looking at
them weird with their hands clasped.
Jensen orders a Dr. Pepper, Jared a Coke, and they share a large pepperoni pizza.
In Jensen's opinion, it's been the best night of his life so far, and all they've done is sat in an old, cheap
pizza parlor eating a giant pizza and telling stupid jokes. Like they did when they were still just friends.
Jared's still a complete dork and Jensen's still shockingly comfortable with the tall man and everything
seems so natural. They're still best friends and their relationship doesn't seem all that different except
for an amazing feeling of love and freedom that wasn't always there before.
They leave around 7:00 and by that time, being that it's October, it is dark out. Jensen is giggling
at some stupid joke that Jared says (and trying to reconcile with himself that being in a relationship
apparently means he was going to start giggling far more often than he would like) and clinging to his
arm like a lovesick teenager. He doesn't stop smiling while they load up in Jared's kick-ass car and he
drives him back to his dorm.
Jared, like a gentleman, insists that Jensen stays in the car until Jared runs around and opens the door
despite Jensen's protests that, “he's not a fucking girl.”
Jared also insists on walking Jensen up to his door, which Jensen has no objections to. Rather than
immediately opening the door in the hallway, Jensen turns to shyly thank Jared for a wonderful evening
and say goodbye when Jared leans forwards and gives him a kiss.
Jensen stands stock-still for a moment when he realizes that Jared's lips are on his. The only kiss he's
ever had was from the man who kidnapped him. Christopher Davis is his name, that's what the FBI was able to tell him, and
it was nothing like this. Jared's lips weren't possessive or harsh. They just chastely and softly move
against Jensen's own and after a moment, Jensen wraps his arms around Jared and starts reciprocating
the surprisingly intimate kiss. It feels like an eternity has passed when Jared finally pulls off and Jensen
makes a small sound at the back of his throat in disappointment.
He opens his eyes and looks up at Jared's smiling brown ones, and feels so at home just looking at his
wonderful love.
“Good night, Danny,” Jared says lovingly before waking back to the car, and Jensen reluctantly goes
inside to his room.
Jared's POV
Jared happily whistles as he cleans his dorm room. Chris called him a nerd when he walked in earlier, then quickly left again, but Jared likes to clean when he's happy. When he's happy, he feels proactive and when he feels proactive, he cleans. Besides, god knows his room needs it.
His date with Danny might have been the best thing ever. Sure, he'd had more expensive, fancier dates, lots of them, but everything in Danny's presence feels... perfect.
He knows it sounds corny, but it's the only way Jared knows how to describe their relationship. His little sister had made fun of him when he's called her the night before, secretly, of course. Mom and Dad wouldn't want their baby girl influenced by the homosexual devil, he thinks bitterly.
He plays with his phone in his hands, thinking about calling Danny, when it goes off.
He screams in high-pitched tone from surprise and Chris laughs at him from where he's sitting on his own bed.
Jared glares at him, before answering.
“Hello?” he says.
“Hey, Jared, it's uh, it's me,” a shy, nervous voice from the other end says. He smiles, realizing that it's Danny.
“Hi Danny!” he replies excitedly. “I was just thinkin' about calling you.”
“Really?” Jensen asks.
“Yep,” Jared responds in a very satisfactory manner. “Great minds think alike, you know.”
“I do have a great mind...”
“Arrogant much, J-Danny?” Jared asks with a laugh.
“Not arrogant. Just honest.” Jared can practically see the little sparkle Danny's eyes get when they start joking and the smile he just can't keep off his face.
“Well, I love your mind,” Jared says without thinking.
“Love?” Jensen asks. He makes it sound like the word is totally foreign. He sounds almost terrified. Jared wants to hit his head against the wall until he manages to knock the whole “think before you speak” thing into his head.
“Shit. I didn't mean, like love love. I meant like just, you know, love. Brotherly love and stuff...” he trails off lamely, realizing how much of deeper hole he's digging himself.
“Brotherly love?”
This time, Jared does hit his head against the wall. Who compares how they feel about their boyfriend to their brother?!
“Um... well, you know what I meant. Not as in I think of you as a family member because I'm not all pro-incest or anything, I promise, but I love things about you without actually loving you... Not that I don't love because I do just not in an “I expect you to return it” way,” he attempts to correct himself.
“Jared,” Jensen says.
“Yes?” he says nervously.
“Stop while your still somewhat ahead,” Jensen tells him. Jared is sure he's smirking on the other line. 'Bastard,' Jared thought, 'letting me go on like that when he knew full and well what I'd meant.'
“Oh thank, God,” Jared breathed in relief. “You're the best, sweetie.”
“Ugghhh,” Jensen groans from the other line Jared's confused.
“What's the matter?” He asks worriedly.
“We're not going to be one of those couple are we?” He asks. Jared's heart starts pounding at the term couples (Jensen is serious about this!) and it takes him a second to digest the question.
“What do you mean? What type of couple?”
“The annoyingly cute ones with way to many pet names than can possibly be good for anyone's health,” Jensen replies.
“I like pet-names!” Jared exclaims indignantly.
“So I've noticed...”
“What's that supposed to mean?” Jared asks, acting playfully annoyed.
“Nothin'. Just so long as we don't become that couple people can't be around because we call each other “sweetie pie honey cake” and “cute butter muffin” and make noises to each other all the time,” Jensen says. Jared wrinkles his nose at the description of couples.
“Dude. I'm gay, but I'm not that gay.”
He hears Jensen's cute laugh from the other line and it makes him smile. He loves Jensen's laugh. It's so sweet and innocent. Most of the time, Jensen has this almost jaded, sad air about himself that Jared can't figure out, but there are times like this where he completely lets go. Jared loves it.
Jared just listens to his boyfriend talk and talk and talk like he almost never does and feels happier than he ever has.
Chapter 4: http://nympha-fluminis.livejournal.com/6097.html