paste from myspace blog
I've had this blog opened for roughly an hour, staring at the blank space, unsure of what to say. I still can not find the words in my head. Perhaps it hasn't hit me just yet, perhaps my mentality blocks these things if they occur suddenly, I am not sure. I had talked with her recently...a week and a half or so ago, I am glad that I got the chance to.
It has been a rough time for me lately. I've made mistakes, i've lost and lost again due to my own stupidity for things in my own life. Roughly around the same time last year my close friend Aarie passed away, though I was somewhat expecting it once I had heard she slipped into a coma. Tonight I read the news that Kristen, my CF sister, bar-none the best friend I have ever had with the same condition as me died. This I was not expecting, not yet.
She had been in ICU for a month, but had gotten out in October. She was immediately placed into the transplant procedures, though the diagnosis was that she had time to go through that process and make it. No more truth to the testament of the unpredictability and terrifying nature of CF, this could not hold. The incessant decline this disease possesses is merely the beginning, it is the positive aspect to it if anything. It is the relief, to seek hope and comfort that if all goes according to plan, you'll die at the time your PFTs are telling you. That is what is most known and that is the representation people without this curse understand. The reality is hidden, still, to the average person. The lack of knowledge to the fears of Mucoid Pseudonomas, MRSA, Cepacia, and any other forms of deleterious and potentially pernicious infections. If you are one of the fortunate ones, you will not deal with any of those, and thus die a timely 'life expectancy death' due to said incessant decline. Should those arise, your life is interrupted more so, your plans change, your life becomes significantly shorter.
I am still unsure as to what I can say about Kristen. I know she is not the type that wishes to have people mourning her greatly(well too bad, you were loved).
I admire her greatly. Kristen was a person not unlike myself. In bad times, the thought of suicide was more than appealing to her. There were attempts, there was a constant struggle in her mind I know this much. Whether or not it made her feel better to rant about it or if there was a true desire to go through with it, i'm not sure. At times fear perhaps, but I admire the fact that towards the end she didn't give up. She was someone I admit was extremely negative, to an extent that surpassed me at times. It was the passing of our friend Aarie that seemed to change her. She seemed to realize that she was still alive, and adapted a mentality not too far from Aaries. Despite her negativity, even at the end, she was attempting school, and wanting to carry on with her life. This is something that I hope she knows I bow down to. It takes an exceptionally strong person to go through what the end of the CF line puts you through, but still try to continue your life. She surprised me with it, and I hope when my day comes I adapt a similar mentality. I don't know if Kristen even realized how strong she ended up being. She was my CF sister, I have been here for her for years. I've helped her through many situations, sat on the phone with her at times when Rick was threatening her or when she was in a bad spot, I know what she went through outside of CF and I never understood how she could handle the combination of CF and the personal issues she had to deal with. Perhaps it was just all too much for her, and her body finally had enough. I can speculate for hours on end, but that is not really the point to this entry.
My one solace in this news is that I was able to have a proper good bye with her. I never had that with Aarie, and it still upsets me. Kristen had messaged me and informed me of the ICU and transplant, and her current situation. We had talked for a great while, I thanked her for always being a good friend to me and being there. While I was not expecting this, I suppose I had a feeling in that conversation that I wouldn't be talking to her again. I at least have the comfort that she was aware of how much I appreciated her friendship, her last words to me, "I love you too".
I will miss you greatly. You will always be my CF sister and no one can ever replace you. I love you, you are free.
It has been a rough time for me lately. I've made mistakes, i've lost and lost again due to my own stupidity for things in my own life. Roughly around the same time last year my close friend Aarie passed away, though I was somewhat expecting it once I had heard she slipped into a coma. Tonight I read the news that Kristen, my CF sister, bar-none the best friend I have ever had with the same condition as me died. This I was not expecting, not yet.
She had been in ICU for a month, but had gotten out in October. She was immediately placed into the transplant procedures, though the diagnosis was that she had time to go through that process and make it. No more truth to the testament of the unpredictability and terrifying nature of CF, this could not hold. The incessant decline this disease possesses is merely the beginning, it is the positive aspect to it if anything. It is the relief, to seek hope and comfort that if all goes according to plan, you'll die at the time your PFTs are telling you. That is what is most known and that is the representation people without this curse understand. The reality is hidden, still, to the average person. The lack of knowledge to the fears of Mucoid Pseudonomas, MRSA, Cepacia, and any other forms of deleterious and potentially pernicious infections. If you are one of the fortunate ones, you will not deal with any of those, and thus die a timely 'life expectancy death' due to said incessant decline. Should those arise, your life is interrupted more so, your plans change, your life becomes significantly shorter.
I am still unsure as to what I can say about Kristen. I know she is not the type that wishes to have people mourning her greatly(well too bad, you were loved).
I admire her greatly. Kristen was a person not unlike myself. In bad times, the thought of suicide was more than appealing to her. There were attempts, there was a constant struggle in her mind I know this much. Whether or not it made her feel better to rant about it or if there was a true desire to go through with it, i'm not sure. At times fear perhaps, but I admire the fact that towards the end she didn't give up. She was someone I admit was extremely negative, to an extent that surpassed me at times. It was the passing of our friend Aarie that seemed to change her. She seemed to realize that she was still alive, and adapted a mentality not too far from Aaries. Despite her negativity, even at the end, she was attempting school, and wanting to carry on with her life. This is something that I hope she knows I bow down to. It takes an exceptionally strong person to go through what the end of the CF line puts you through, but still try to continue your life. She surprised me with it, and I hope when my day comes I adapt a similar mentality. I don't know if Kristen even realized how strong she ended up being. She was my CF sister, I have been here for her for years. I've helped her through many situations, sat on the phone with her at times when Rick was threatening her or when she was in a bad spot, I know what she went through outside of CF and I never understood how she could handle the combination of CF and the personal issues she had to deal with. Perhaps it was just all too much for her, and her body finally had enough. I can speculate for hours on end, but that is not really the point to this entry.
My one solace in this news is that I was able to have a proper good bye with her. I never had that with Aarie, and it still upsets me. Kristen had messaged me and informed me of the ICU and transplant, and her current situation. We had talked for a great while, I thanked her for always being a good friend to me and being there. While I was not expecting this, I suppose I had a feeling in that conversation that I wouldn't be talking to her again. I at least have the comfort that she was aware of how much I appreciated her friendship, her last words to me, "I love you too".
I will miss you greatly. You will always be my CF sister and no one can ever replace you. I love you, you are free.