Feelings are over rated
Devin is leaving in July. I have been expecting it so its not too bad, but I've been ignoring how close his actual departure is. It started to hit me the day of his birthday how much I am going to miss him. Which is kind of weird because the day before his bday I felt almost completely detached and wanted to stop things then, instead of waiting until he left.
I realized that I felt this way not because I was detached, but because I am finally starting to feel something deeper for him. I wanted to end it so I could stop whatever feelings were starting to surface. All this time we've been seeing each other I have kept myself from getting emotionally attached. I constantly kept in mind that we were both leaving and that there was no reason to acquire deep feelings for each other. Which I actually thought would work. The problem with this is that things have been really good between us because of it. Its like we had no time for trivial fighting because it would have been pointless and now, because we had no time for "nonsense" (and at the same time our relationship was suppose to be nonsense) I have developed strong feelings.
I've also been trying my hardest not to fabricate any feelings that might not really be true. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes. You get too caught up in the euphoric feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship and suddenly you think youre in love. I started out with low expectations and kept myself from indulging in that oh so wonderful feeling, but now Im actually starting to get that oh so wonderful feeling.Which makes me think does it really matter what approach you take?
Jumping into things obviously doesnt work because of previous experiences I've had, but taking things slow must not work either because he's leaving and Im still gonna be heartbroken, but just more prepared for it. One good thing (not the only thing) that helps make everything better is knowing that nobody will hate each other when it is over. The amazing respect and feelings I have for him will not be tarnished with years of feeling "stuck".
I realized that I felt this way not because I was detached, but because I am finally starting to feel something deeper for him. I wanted to end it so I could stop whatever feelings were starting to surface. All this time we've been seeing each other I have kept myself from getting emotionally attached. I constantly kept in mind that we were both leaving and that there was no reason to acquire deep feelings for each other. Which I actually thought would work. The problem with this is that things have been really good between us because of it. Its like we had no time for trivial fighting because it would have been pointless and now, because we had no time for "nonsense" (and at the same time our relationship was suppose to be nonsense) I have developed strong feelings.
I've also been trying my hardest not to fabricate any feelings that might not really be true. It can be hard to tell the difference sometimes. You get too caught up in the euphoric feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship and suddenly you think youre in love. I started out with low expectations and kept myself from indulging in that oh so wonderful feeling, but now Im actually starting to get that oh so wonderful feeling.Which makes me think does it really matter what approach you take?
Jumping into things obviously doesnt work because of previous experiences I've had, but taking things slow must not work either because he's leaving and Im still gonna be heartbroken, but just more prepared for it. One good thing (not the only thing) that helps make everything better is knowing that nobody will hate each other when it is over. The amazing respect and feelings I have for him will not be tarnished with years of feeling "stuck".