What now?
Mom is right; thinking for me is a dangerous act. I'm confused about what I want to do now that college is almost over. Everything that I worked for, all the sacrfices I've made, and the most important of my dreams will be fulfilled in two years time...so what now? That's what's going through this head of mine, because, in reality, everything has changed. When I came to school my plan was simple; I was going to graduate in a 5 year straight shot teaching program, I would have met my husband in college, I was going to get married, have kids, and basically live the american dream.
That plan is officially shot to shit now...I don't want to be a teacher now, I want to far more to help kids. I honestly don't know if I want any children or not, and if I DO have kids, it certainly won't be in the next five, maybe even ten years. As for a husband...fuck that! I'm comfortable on my own for the moment and a man at this time in my life is going to be little more than a distraction.
There are so many possibilities that I could pursue; I could apply to photo groups like Randy K, I could apply to a fashion or men's magazine, I could shoot porn, I could be a freelance photographer and outside of a photography degree, with my background in work study as a receptionist/office assistant for the academic offices at school, I could apply to any gay right's, child advocacy, or gay media organization for work, making good money. I could, instead of pursuing a master's right of the bat, go into cosmetology and learn how to do makeup and hair, which would open up countless possibilities for work as a hairdresser or as a movie makeup artist. I could apprentice as a tatoo artist/piercer maybe, or when I lose the weight/gain the muscle I want go into exotic dancing. Hell, while I'm in school some of these are possibilities and when I turn 21 so is bartending or club bouncing while I'm still in school. Those are just the career possibilities. If I apply to an academic college after art school, I can't even begin to list THOSE possibilities.
In terms of where I live, I could stay in the area or pack up and move to New Orleans or San Fransisco or maybe even Manhattan, rather than move to London. I could share a townhouse, or get my own apartment, or stay in student housing. I've always thought of long term commitment as the only possibility, but I AM 20, and pretty damn attractive for a heavyset guy, so maybe I want to play the field and explore my options sexually; hell, maybe I want to stay celibate since noone else seems capable of doing the job. Maybe all I need in my life to be fullfilled sexually is a dildo; emotionally, my sisters are more than enough right now. As far as being a parent is concerned, I have too much of a life to live to devote it to my children right now, and if I do continue on the child and teen advocacy/ teaching course, maybe having my students will be all the children I end up needing. Hell, maybe that cat I always wanted and the others after it will suffice, even if I don't continue down the helping kids/teaching road. Will I want one daughter, or more, and is a son a possibility? This world has doors that I've never even looked at, much less opened.
I did in college what most people do in highschool; I discovered myself, discovered my likes and dislikes, and I became ME not what I was simply raised to be. There are no more masks, there is no longer anyone to tell me who I can be or what I should do or what I should believe. So what do I do now that the wool has been taken from my eyes and I see the world as the truly vast and beautiful place that it is? Do I do as I have always done and follow the same dreams I had, or do I explore different avenues and go up different roads? Heaven may be a lifetime away, or less than 30 seconds after I post this. Do I want to waste the time G-d has given me, or do I take the risk, step out on faith, and see what blessings are around the corner? What now?
That plan is officially shot to shit now...I don't want to be a teacher now, I want to far more to help kids. I honestly don't know if I want any children or not, and if I DO have kids, it certainly won't be in the next five, maybe even ten years. As for a husband...fuck that! I'm comfortable on my own for the moment and a man at this time in my life is going to be little more than a distraction.
There are so many possibilities that I could pursue; I could apply to photo groups like Randy K, I could apply to a fashion or men's magazine, I could shoot porn, I could be a freelance photographer and outside of a photography degree, with my background in work study as a receptionist/office assistant for the academic offices at school, I could apply to any gay right's, child advocacy, or gay media organization for work, making good money. I could, instead of pursuing a master's right of the bat, go into cosmetology and learn how to do makeup and hair, which would open up countless possibilities for work as a hairdresser or as a movie makeup artist. I could apprentice as a tatoo artist/piercer maybe, or when I lose the weight/gain the muscle I want go into exotic dancing. Hell, while I'm in school some of these are possibilities and when I turn 21 so is bartending or club bouncing while I'm still in school. Those are just the career possibilities. If I apply to an academic college after art school, I can't even begin to list THOSE possibilities.
In terms of where I live, I could stay in the area or pack up and move to New Orleans or San Fransisco or maybe even Manhattan, rather than move to London. I could share a townhouse, or get my own apartment, or stay in student housing. I've always thought of long term commitment as the only possibility, but I AM 20, and pretty damn attractive for a heavyset guy, so maybe I want to play the field and explore my options sexually; hell, maybe I want to stay celibate since noone else seems capable of doing the job. Maybe all I need in my life to be fullfilled sexually is a dildo; emotionally, my sisters are more than enough right now. As far as being a parent is concerned, I have too much of a life to live to devote it to my children right now, and if I do continue on the child and teen advocacy/ teaching course, maybe having my students will be all the children I end up needing. Hell, maybe that cat I always wanted and the others after it will suffice, even if I don't continue down the helping kids/teaching road. Will I want one daughter, or more, and is a son a possibility? This world has doors that I've never even looked at, much less opened.
I did in college what most people do in highschool; I discovered myself, discovered my likes and dislikes, and I became ME not what I was simply raised to be. There are no more masks, there is no longer anyone to tell me who I can be or what I should do or what I should believe. So what do I do now that the wool has been taken from my eyes and I see the world as the truly vast and beautiful place that it is? Do I do as I have always done and follow the same dreams I had, or do I explore different avenues and go up different roads? Heaven may be a lifetime away, or less than 30 seconds after I post this. Do I want to waste the time G-d has given me, or do I take the risk, step out on faith, and see what blessings are around the corner? What now?