Kevin and I very unhappy where we are right now
I feel weird actually confirming this openly; most updates about him are privately done. But last night was one of those can't sleep until this is somewhere with a decision made. I guess in the simplest version of it, I'm mean and he's a fuck up. He's ruined a lot of really happy things in my life and I seem to have an underlying hostility in most my interactions with him. It gets better, then worse, then a little better then worse than before.
I'm one of those people who sets up something in my head, if this happens it's really the last straw. If this happens, if this happens. Admittedly, I'm not the best at follow through with the last straw thing. I just get tired and rational about having my feeling hurt too many times. For months it has been in my head that when we begin sleeping separately that that is end, because really what really seem to keep us all wrapped up together is touching limbs.
There it is, Kevin climbing out of my nest and into his own, and not coming back.
And I'm just tired of having my heartbroken. Of being heartbroken. Like I've made mistakes that aren't going to stop being mistakes no matter how much energy I invest in them.
I'm disappointed and sad because I had so many dreams and hopes rushing around my head in regards to him. I'm not sure what to think about the baby right now, I've already had a much harder time letting this one seep into me; after spending months terrified of losing her. And she is all her father's energy, I note it constantly how alike they are in nature and spirit. And I feel so guilty and frustrated by these feelings of loss and desire, it's so hard having something I can so clearly identify as his child sitting into me, yanking my love around just as fickly. In a spiritual sense I can already see they are so easily in love and attached, the way I resonated with Turin; the immediateness of their affection for one another, is all so reminiscent and I grieve in every sort of way wanting that and not be able to feel as if this child was meant for me too, even the littlest bits of her seems devoted to him.
And I'm sure that sounds like unloving mother gibberish to most of you, I just want my baby back. It's hard feeling like I lost the child that was meant for me, and having it replaced with one that is meant for Kevin.
Which is yet compounded with his coldness.
I feel as if everything that I'm touching is a crisis.
I'm one of those people who sets up something in my head, if this happens it's really the last straw. If this happens, if this happens. Admittedly, I'm not the best at follow through with the last straw thing. I just get tired and rational about having my feeling hurt too many times. For months it has been in my head that when we begin sleeping separately that that is end, because really what really seem to keep us all wrapped up together is touching limbs.
There it is, Kevin climbing out of my nest and into his own, and not coming back.
And I'm just tired of having my heartbroken. Of being heartbroken. Like I've made mistakes that aren't going to stop being mistakes no matter how much energy I invest in them.
I'm disappointed and sad because I had so many dreams and hopes rushing around my head in regards to him. I'm not sure what to think about the baby right now, I've already had a much harder time letting this one seep into me; after spending months terrified of losing her. And she is all her father's energy, I note it constantly how alike they are in nature and spirit. And I feel so guilty and frustrated by these feelings of loss and desire, it's so hard having something I can so clearly identify as his child sitting into me, yanking my love around just as fickly. In a spiritual sense I can already see they are so easily in love and attached, the way I resonated with Turin; the immediateness of their affection for one another, is all so reminiscent and I grieve in every sort of way wanting that and not be able to feel as if this child was meant for me too, even the littlest bits of her seems devoted to him.
And I'm sure that sounds like unloving mother gibberish to most of you, I just want my baby back. It's hard feeling like I lost the child that was meant for me, and having it replaced with one that is meant for Kevin.
Which is yet compounded with his coldness.
I feel as if everything that I'm touching is a crisis.