Can't quite stay away
(Don't worry, I'll be afk shortly.)
Fabulous time at Brighton Bifest. Highlights included kissing people, stroking people, eating with people and dancing with people. Dancing with people was the *best* bit. Thanks to the organisers.
Went for a bite to eat in the evening with people I didn't know, which was good. Got a really strong reaction when one of them mentioned Whitby, and I want to write about that here before my wrists/thumb gives out.
The mere mention of Whitby triggered feelings of being other and not good enough. What is it with this goth thing that makes me feel cripplingly insecure? Wearing black clothes makes me feel confident, cheerful, not self-hatey. I used wear light grey or beige or pastel-coloured clothes when I wanted to punish myself and revel in fear/self-disgust, and not doing that any more is great. Listening to depressing music cheers me up. But I feel so rubbish in comparison with goths. They have knowledge of goth stuff, ability to do goth stuff without feeling like a wannabe, they're not going to get 'caught out'. Who is going to catch me out though? Does it matter if they do catch me? What specifically am I worried about?
I just feel not good enough, and there's a lot of self-imposed pressure. Why the flip am I doing this to myself? I am in my thirties.
I bought a multicoloured neon skeleton hoodie (black hoodie, neon print) today, it's great! Very cheesy, cheery, fun. Also bought another cheesy t-shirt. The hoodie I'll fit into in August maybe, it's too tight for me to wear (but it is possible to zip it up). Something to aim for. The t-shirt fits me. I managed to haggle! This is something that I typically *do not do*. Go team Nye. Got a Time Out London walking guide and Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett from Oxfam bookshop. Bargain.
I'm watching a documentary about Charlie Vandergaw, a man who does radically stupid things with wild bears. Stupid man! Stop it! Google him if you want, I shall save my wrists.
I want:
More dates with yummy people.
More non-dates with friends.
Telephone conversations, maybe skype ones (nyecamden).
Texts.
To test out my shins by doing a spot of jogging - just a few bursts at a time.
A good workout at the gym.
Someone to make Bi Coffee London a website.
A ride on cloudwalker_3's brompton.
Food. (This is an easy one, as I'm cooking just now.)
Rest.
Cuddles with Edward Bear (also an easy one, I shall go fetch him from the bedroom).
A long list of possessions that I don't actually need. What do I get and when though?
What Not To Spend by Alvin Hall.
What do you want?
I may not reply to your comments. RSI.
Fabulous time at Brighton Bifest. Highlights included kissing people, stroking people, eating with people and dancing with people. Dancing with people was the *best* bit. Thanks to the organisers.
Went for a bite to eat in the evening with people I didn't know, which was good. Got a really strong reaction when one of them mentioned Whitby, and I want to write about that here before my wrists/thumb gives out.
The mere mention of Whitby triggered feelings of being other and not good enough. What is it with this goth thing that makes me feel cripplingly insecure? Wearing black clothes makes me feel confident, cheerful, not self-hatey. I used wear light grey or beige or pastel-coloured clothes when I wanted to punish myself and revel in fear/self-disgust, and not doing that any more is great. Listening to depressing music cheers me up. But I feel so rubbish in comparison with goths. They have knowledge of goth stuff, ability to do goth stuff without feeling like a wannabe, they're not going to get 'caught out'. Who is going to catch me out though? Does it matter if they do catch me? What specifically am I worried about?
I just feel not good enough, and there's a lot of self-imposed pressure. Why the flip am I doing this to myself? I am in my thirties.
I bought a multicoloured neon skeleton hoodie (black hoodie, neon print) today, it's great! Very cheesy, cheery, fun. Also bought another cheesy t-shirt. The hoodie I'll fit into in August maybe, it's too tight for me to wear (but it is possible to zip it up). Something to aim for. The t-shirt fits me. I managed to haggle! This is something that I typically *do not do*. Go team Nye. Got a Time Out London walking guide and Moving Pictures by Terry Pratchett from Oxfam bookshop. Bargain.
I'm watching a documentary about Charlie Vandergaw, a man who does radically stupid things with wild bears. Stupid man! Stop it! Google him if you want, I shall save my wrists.
I want:
More dates with yummy people.
More non-dates with friends.
Telephone conversations, maybe skype ones (nyecamden).
Texts.
To test out my shins by doing a spot of jogging - just a few bursts at a time.
A good workout at the gym.
Someone to make Bi Coffee London a website.
A ride on cloudwalker_3's brompton.
Food. (This is an easy one, as I'm cooking just now.)
Rest.
Cuddles with Edward Bear (also an easy one, I shall go fetch him from the bedroom).
A long list of possessions that I don't actually need. What do I get and when though?
What Not To Spend by Alvin Hall.
What do you want?
I may not reply to your comments. RSI.