This is why I'm so jumpy
For the benefit of those who can't see lj-cuts, I have left a big space because this post mentions violence and threats, includes details of events from years ago.
I had a couple of death threats that accompanied beatings a few years ago, and since then I've been very jumpy when being touched by surprise. Prior to that I was only touch sensitive when I was already panicking. It's hard to way up the risk of the death threats, figure out exactly *how* wary I should be,
and how to separate the risk of being killed by two pretty messed up individuals from my neuroticism.
The first one was really rather heavily veiled and implied, and I'm not sure if it was a death threat or a general threat to inflict bodily harm on me. It came from a very short term lover who beat me up when I criticised his decor. He strangled me, punched my head and floored me several times, broke his and my phone and finally let me go. He told me that he knew where my squats were, and I took that to be a threat to my safety because of the whole strangling thing. He basically decided not to kill me there and then. I'd met him when he was kicking up a storm in the housing office in Nottingham where I was staying, and I was in such a messed up state that his messed up-ness appealed to me. I am still really rather wary when I spend time in Nottingham with my girlfriend, though with time it's getting easier. I also have it in my mind that he might visit London one day and see me in the street and attack me, because lots of people visit London. It's possible that he has forgotten the incident or moved on from it for one reason or another. He could have been involved in a series of violent incidents that just blur in his mind after a while so that might make him less likely to have a go at me. I do not know how strong the risk that he will attack or kill me. I'd really like to be able to assess that.
The second one was explicitly stated. She said that she had a list of people she was going to kill, that it was (something like) eight names long, and I was at the end of it. She said she hadn't started it yet, but she was going to. I'd slept with her on-and-off boyfriend, and I thought it was off and he was fair game, but she was a schizophrenic/junkie/alcoholic/homeless/ex-army woman, and she wasn't exactly reasonable! She kidnapped me for most of a day and dragged me around Edinburgh. I was really scared most of the time, but she was stronger than me and didn't let me go. It ended up in her beating me up in Princes Street Gardens, and a nice woman rescued me and took me into the back of a taxi with her. Luckily we were going in the same direction. Again, I don't know how to assess the real risks of being harmed by this woman. If she is together enough to be able to follow through on her threat, she's also likely to be together enough to know that it's a bad idea. If she is as messed up as she was, I'm pretty safe.
Transitioning medically will probably help lessen the risk of either of them harming me even further, as I will eventually look rather different. Of course, the actual risk and the fear of being attacked at any time are two different things. I don't know what the answer to this is. They were both army trained and at least one of them has some martial arts skills, so learning how to protect myself feels so redundant... though maybe I have different thought on this.
If anyone has any ideas on risk assessment and getting the hell over what I just mentioned, please comment. No sympathy or hugs please, that isn't why I wrote the post. Comments are screened, tell me if you want yours unscreened/feel free to email me.
I had a couple of death threats that accompanied beatings a few years ago, and since then I've been very jumpy when being touched by surprise. Prior to that I was only touch sensitive when I was already panicking. It's hard to way up the risk of the death threats, figure out exactly *how* wary I should be,
and how to separate the risk of being killed by two pretty messed up individuals from my neuroticism.
The first one was really rather heavily veiled and implied, and I'm not sure if it was a death threat or a general threat to inflict bodily harm on me. It came from a very short term lover who beat me up when I criticised his decor. He strangled me, punched my head and floored me several times, broke his and my phone and finally let me go. He told me that he knew where my squats were, and I took that to be a threat to my safety because of the whole strangling thing. He basically decided not to kill me there and then. I'd met him when he was kicking up a storm in the housing office in Nottingham where I was staying, and I was in such a messed up state that his messed up-ness appealed to me. I am still really rather wary when I spend time in Nottingham with my girlfriend, though with time it's getting easier. I also have it in my mind that he might visit London one day and see me in the street and attack me, because lots of people visit London. It's possible that he has forgotten the incident or moved on from it for one reason or another. He could have been involved in a series of violent incidents that just blur in his mind after a while so that might make him less likely to have a go at me. I do not know how strong the risk that he will attack or kill me. I'd really like to be able to assess that.
The second one was explicitly stated. She said that she had a list of people she was going to kill, that it was (something like) eight names long, and I was at the end of it. She said she hadn't started it yet, but she was going to. I'd slept with her on-and-off boyfriend, and I thought it was off and he was fair game, but she was a schizophrenic/junkie/alcoholic/homeless/ex-army woman, and she wasn't exactly reasonable! She kidnapped me for most of a day and dragged me around Edinburgh. I was really scared most of the time, but she was stronger than me and didn't let me go. It ended up in her beating me up in Princes Street Gardens, and a nice woman rescued me and took me into the back of a taxi with her. Luckily we were going in the same direction. Again, I don't know how to assess the real risks of being harmed by this woman. If she is together enough to be able to follow through on her threat, she's also likely to be together enough to know that it's a bad idea. If she is as messed up as she was, I'm pretty safe.
Transitioning medically will probably help lessen the risk of either of them harming me even further, as I will eventually look rather different. Of course, the actual risk and the fear of being attacked at any time are two different things. I don't know what the answer to this is. They were both army trained and at least one of them has some martial arts skills, so learning how to protect myself feels so redundant... though maybe I have different thought on this.
If anyone has any ideas on risk assessment and getting the hell over what I just mentioned, please comment. No sympathy or hugs please, that isn't why I wrote the post. Comments are screened, tell me if you want yours unscreened/feel free to email me.