(no subject)
I went to see a counsellor yesterday. It was mostly to do with gender, but I was really anxious at the start so we talked about how my mental health had been in the fortnight since our first meeting.
I'd been really anxious and socially phobic, and the anxiety had turned to aggression when I was in crowded situations. The main incident that I was thinking about was when I was in Camden Town trying to get several things done at once. I really wanted to buy myself a washing machine, I'd had a confrontation with someone the second time I went to the laundrette, and the first time I went someone had touched my stuff and I had a panic attack that was full of trangst. So I thought that buying a washing machine was a way of helping me to avoid some unpleasant and triggery situations. But I also had other things that I wanted to do that day, and all of this involved walking up and down Camden High Street, which is often crowded. The people who I barged into were just about to barge into me if I didn't move out of the way. Either they were full of arrogance and bluster, or they were looking at their mobile phone or whatever. Normally I would just give way, but being in a busy high street with not much room makes my fear turn quickly to aggression.
In the past when things were really bad and I used to get aggressive in the street quite often, I would get on a bus pronto. Any bus. It would calm me down. But on the day I was ordering the washing machine, I prioritised some admittedly important tasks (having my DLA form photocopied, and posting it) over my mental well-being and the safety of members of the public. In future I will just get on a bus out of there, even if it takes me in the opposite direction of home. Being on a bus really calms me down, and I can easily find my way back home. Alternatively, I could nip down a backstreet and go for a brisk walk, call the Samaritans, go to a café.
Talking about gender and the ins-and-outs of transsexuality was very hard for me. I just failed to do it really. I've got this ridiculous shame about this stuff, even when talking to a trans person (and if my counsellor isn't trans, I'm an albatross). The counsellor asked me to write down a list of what I want (and later possibly when I want it by), and just couldn't bear writing down anything to do with transition when I was in the session. I've since written down some transition things that I want.
There are things that I want to buy that I keep putting off because they're just more things to do that (generally) force me to engage with people. Then when I'm doing something that reminds me I don't have those things I get procrastinator's guilt. I shall type the list here, then put it on my fridge and cross one thing off at a time. Nye: you don't have to do everything at once.
I'd been really anxious and socially phobic, and the anxiety had turned to aggression when I was in crowded situations. The main incident that I was thinking about was when I was in Camden Town trying to get several things done at once. I really wanted to buy myself a washing machine, I'd had a confrontation with someone the second time I went to the laundrette, and the first time I went someone had touched my stuff and I had a panic attack that was full of trangst. So I thought that buying a washing machine was a way of helping me to avoid some unpleasant and triggery situations. But I also had other things that I wanted to do that day, and all of this involved walking up and down Camden High Street, which is often crowded. The people who I barged into were just about to barge into me if I didn't move out of the way. Either they were full of arrogance and bluster, or they were looking at their mobile phone or whatever. Normally I would just give way, but being in a busy high street with not much room makes my fear turn quickly to aggression.
In the past when things were really bad and I used to get aggressive in the street quite often, I would get on a bus pronto. Any bus. It would calm me down. But on the day I was ordering the washing machine, I prioritised some admittedly important tasks (having my DLA form photocopied, and posting it) over my mental well-being and the safety of members of the public. In future I will just get on a bus out of there, even if it takes me in the opposite direction of home. Being on a bus really calms me down, and I can easily find my way back home. Alternatively, I could nip down a backstreet and go for a brisk walk, call the Samaritans, go to a café.
Talking about gender and the ins-and-outs of transsexuality was very hard for me. I just failed to do it really. I've got this ridiculous shame about this stuff, even when talking to a trans person (and if my counsellor isn't trans, I'm an albatross). The counsellor asked me to write down a list of what I want (and later possibly when I want it by), and just couldn't bear writing down anything to do with transition when I was in the session. I've since written down some transition things that I want.
There are things that I want to buy that I keep putting off because they're just more things to do that (generally) force me to engage with people. Then when I'm doing something that reminds me I don't have those things I get procrastinator's guilt. I shall type the list here, then put it on my fridge and cross one thing off at a time. Nye: you don't have to do everything at once.