Nye sounding like a stuck record. Stuck, gerrit?
I feel like utter crap: I am therefore going to pierce myself. Fear, pain, then I briefly forget about the misery of being a so-called 'birthmother' and black sheep of the family at christmas. I hated christmas before losing most of my family but now it just had the added significance of being family time for many people partly over the world.
Just play-pierced myself. I think I'll get/make a flogger for the purposes of self-flagellation at some point in the future, but for the time being I shall use needles and also nipple-clamps. Nipple clamps I usually use for sexual purposes, but this time they will be a source of pain that takes away the emotional pain briefly. Drinking last night really didn't help; it helped to get me more aggressive. Drinking when I'm hypomanic is a rather dangerous thing to do. Must see GP soon.
Plans:
- Call the Samaritans if necessary
- Call Crisis to see when their bus picks people up in King's Cross to take them to Crisis at Christmas
- Call doubtfulace at work if I feel like it
- Make some stock while I'm getting ready to go out
After seeing the fox last night, I dreamt that there was a big and scary dog in the back garden. It was the garden of my Grandmother and I was sleeping in her bedroom (she was absent). A man climbed up a ladder to the bedroom window demanding that I tell him what had happened to the dog then tried to gain access to the property. I managed to fight him off, but it was really frightening. I ran downstairs to make sure both doors were locked, then when he appeared to be making headway on the the window I fled in my night-gown.
I couldn't get back to sleep after that, but it was after 8 a.m.