(no subject)
x-posted to borderline
I've been reading my f-list and noticing people writing about their jobs. They are usually moaning. I feel frustrated that it is just not practical for me to have a job. The benefit system has changed in a way that is quite encouraging to people to go back to work part-time whilst still getting benefits; there's also a new deal for long-term sick/disabled people where they can try out a job for up to 12 months and if it doesn't work out they can return to the same level of benefits they were on before they got the job. Good things. However, I am trying to get a council flat and I just *will not get one* if I have a job. Not in Camden anyway, and that's where I've been living for the last 4 years. I live in temporary accommodation that is designed to prepare mentally ill homeless people for permanent accommodation. So I just have to wait. Also, I still haven't got my mental health sorted out. It is so frustrating. I can only guarantee 3-6 months of wellness per year and I think that means I'm incapable of work. I'd be pretty scared of letting an employer down (I'm a really conscientious employee).
I feel guilty for the benefits I receive. I have plenty to live on and can even help out my partner too. I loved paying taxes when I had a job (years and years ago). I loved knowing I was contributing to the National Health Service, Unemployment Benefit and the rest (not happy about the weapons of mass destruction etc though). I think it's low self-esteem that's fuelling my feelings of guilt (I don't feel the same about other people who get sickness benefits). I worry about the future as well. I've spent a good portion of my working-age years not working and certainly not contributing to National Insurance/a pension.
I just have to be patient, keep taking the pills, keep seeing my psych.
I may write something else on this post later on. I know you're like totally obsessed with my life so I'm telling you so that you can come back to this entry and refresh.