(no subject)
right now i'm feeling very alone. odd, because i talked on the phone for about 4 hours today between everyone, and i never ever talk to people that much. in person either. unless you're a special case... and i guess if you're not i wouldn't be talking to you anyway.
talking to him on the phone for so long makes me nervous. i'm not used to doing that. i just... opened up. and i don't think it's because it's some soon to be romance, or even great friendship. it's simply because of me. i don't even know who i am anymore.
who is this person who can talk to someone she doesn't know for three hours... and enjoy it? i talked about me. i talked about being bipolar. i talked about school. i talked about... lots of things. i don't talk to people. i'm so excited that i might have a friend here. friendship usually terrifies me. if this was 2 months ago, it would never be like this. is this how it feels to be human? to connect to people? and is it starting with some guy who watches wrestling and wants to take me to ocean's 11? (i = movie snob. sorry) who works at menards (read: home depot) and has no interest in college? gifts can come in strange packages.
i rarely feel lonely. there was little room for people in my world. people scared me. i could see their thoughts, all the awful things they thought about me.. knew about me. invisibility was my greatest wish. and now... right now i feel lonely. and my body is all mixed up because i'm sad, but i'm happy to be sad in this new way. this way that doesn't involve... just me. depression is not sad. depression is just black, one lump of awful feeling. bipolar... it's either this or that. take your pick from two things that want to destroy your life. no... make your life unlivable.. then you destroy it.
please please please let me not feel down tomorrow when i go with him. let me feel like i did on the phone, like what a regular person must feel like when they meet someone. please please please don't let me be terrified and see what horrible things he thinks about me. just let me be a person, and him be a person, and it to be some sort of normal because i haven't had normal for so long.
to my exception to all the rules:
michelle, i miss you like i never have before. not because i like you better all of the sudden, or because i've been away for so long, but because i finally can. there are so many things i didn't know i couldn't do. i wish we were closer, because i feel like i'm ready to be a real friend. i love you for understanding my emotional limits. i've never ever in my whole life had a friend like you. and it's not because we were together 24/7 or talked on the phone 24/7 or grew up together or were roommates or anything. you were the first person ever that i felt even remotly emotionally safe around. i didn't worry constantly that one day you would find out what a bad person i am and wonder why you were ever friends with me. thank you for being that person. my life would be so dark without you.