its not supposed to be this hard...

[nycoma]

what is wrong with me? why did friday night happen? why did i even go over to ian's house? why did i go into that room? why didn't i turn around and just say no? why didn't i say no at joseph's house? why? why? why? these questions wont stop running through my head like little gerbils with nothing better to do than drive me insane with the constant thoughts.... my friends have hit a hard spot right now....its pretty awkward most of the time when we are talking because we are always talking about her, and i dont want to because it only makes it hurt more because i know that what has happened is my fault and no one else's...me, only me..alone for now....apparently Abby wants my phone number so she can call me sometime, i dont know if that is such a good idea. Shes a nice enough girl, and now we share something that i have never shared with anyone before her, and if it wasn't for some good judgement on my part i didn't do anything that i will regret for many years to come. I just want to go lie in my bed and never wake up....i had this dream last night that i was playing golf and she was out there(jessica), but not like in her body form she was in the form of a golf ball, and i had my driver and when i went to hit the ball the driver broke before it even got near the ball and the ball sat there on the tee and then just fell off on its own in the wind.... i wonder if that has something to do with me messing up and breaking out relationship(driver) and then it pushed her away(falling off tee)...or maybe im just looking into it too much and my dreams are getting the best of me....joey's party, i dont know if i am going because getting drunk off my ass is probably not the right thing to do with my current emotional sensitivity. I dont know yet tho...3 days til my birthday the big 1-8...18....its amazing that i have been on this Earth for 18 years...i feel so old...
All my memories from minnesota are almost gone from my mind, i didn't want them to but over time that have faded not being with my old friends. I thought i was over that move but i guess not. I just want to stop thinking all together, forget exams tomorrow, forget my screw ups that i have done, forget all the problems in my friends' lives, forget all the hate in the world, all the suffering, all the pain...the pain more than anything