Confession time.....
I have some confessions to make...mostly because the parts inside of me that have learned their lessons know that it is time. But trust me there is some part of me that still hasn't learned its lesson (case in point I spent the last 30 minutes crying without trying to reach out and wanting to just go to sleep crying telling myself that it wouldn't matter in the morning. I know it will matter because these things have mattered for awhile hence my terrible mood.
I haven't been eating. I have been in front of people (mostly cause I am hungry and because then no suspensions). I tried writing about it in a previous post but I couldn't do it. It started because I was so sick and tired of waking up with a headache from heartburn...then it was because I liked the way my clothes seemed to hang a little looser then it was back. I just kept going. I am so tired all the time. I can't keep this up. So I ate 3 meals today. I can't say I can promise tomorrow will be the same. I can only work on it. I can say I am gonna try hard to work against the urge not to eat.
I feel like I've lost my best friend...I am talking about Ray. I mean we talked 3 times a week (at least). It was so nice to have someone to talk to. Now my head can't make up its mind...did I mess it up? Did he? If it truly was only friends....then why won't he talk to me? What the HELL was that week? What do you even call it? Can you even call it anything? I sent him a text today...it said, "It feels like we haven't talked in forever" I really miss him. I miss my best friend. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. He said that he liked talking to me....WTF! I guess it will just be the worst kind of break up...friends parting. It hurts more. I am really glad for my friends though lately. I love all of you so much I just really wish we could hang out more. I really could use a friend right now.
I am not excited about my birthday this year. I am always excited about my birthday! What is wrong with me? I am really depressed and I just don't feel like celebrating this year. I don't feel I've done anything worth celebrating so why even celebrate the day I was born if I can't make my life worth anything? What did I do while I was 21? I got drunk, I had parties, and I took classes. I did nothing. I didn't even really do anything that great this past year. Plus its just another year...what am I gonna do with it if I fucked up last year? So I am not having a party for my birthday this year. Also I have to work on my birthday so is it really gonna be anything that great? Nope, I can say that right now. I am not even going to go to the ballet that evening. I think I will just go home and go to bed. So confession here is that I don't even want to have a party...I must be depressed.
I have a few others but I think that is all that I am willing to share right now. I've stopped crying so I think that is good. I just could really use a little less on my plate right now. A little less of the harsh criticism...the harsh stern looks...and the high expectations. I really don't think I can take the high expectations any more...that one has a lot to do with me. I need to relearn to breath again.
That's really all. I just needed a place to air out my mind.
I haven't been eating. I have been in front of people (mostly cause I am hungry and because then no suspensions). I tried writing about it in a previous post but I couldn't do it. It started because I was so sick and tired of waking up with a headache from heartburn...then it was because I liked the way my clothes seemed to hang a little looser then it was back. I just kept going. I am so tired all the time. I can't keep this up. So I ate 3 meals today. I can't say I can promise tomorrow will be the same. I can only work on it. I can say I am gonna try hard to work against the urge not to eat.
I feel like I've lost my best friend...I am talking about Ray. I mean we talked 3 times a week (at least). It was so nice to have someone to talk to. Now my head can't make up its mind...did I mess it up? Did he? If it truly was only friends....then why won't he talk to me? What the HELL was that week? What do you even call it? Can you even call it anything? I sent him a text today...it said, "It feels like we haven't talked in forever" I really miss him. I miss my best friend. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. He said that he liked talking to me....WTF! I guess it will just be the worst kind of break up...friends parting. It hurts more. I am really glad for my friends though lately. I love all of you so much I just really wish we could hang out more. I really could use a friend right now.
I am not excited about my birthday this year. I am always excited about my birthday! What is wrong with me? I am really depressed and I just don't feel like celebrating this year. I don't feel I've done anything worth celebrating so why even celebrate the day I was born if I can't make my life worth anything? What did I do while I was 21? I got drunk, I had parties, and I took classes. I did nothing. I didn't even really do anything that great this past year. Plus its just another year...what am I gonna do with it if I fucked up last year? So I am not having a party for my birthday this year. Also I have to work on my birthday so is it really gonna be anything that great? Nope, I can say that right now. I am not even going to go to the ballet that evening. I think I will just go home and go to bed. So confession here is that I don't even want to have a party...I must be depressed.
I have a few others but I think that is all that I am willing to share right now. I've stopped crying so I think that is good. I just could really use a little less on my plate right now. A little less of the harsh criticism...the harsh stern looks...and the high expectations. I really don't think I can take the high expectations any more...that one has a lot to do with me. I need to relearn to breath again.
That's really all. I just needed a place to air out my mind.