So much on my mind, it's time to get back to this
It's been quite sometime since I last posted on here..... well over 2 years actually.
I'm not sure what stopped me from journaling- I suppose it had to do with work and life and a long list of other things life throws at one.
The last two years have been filled with many joys- engagement, marriage, new jobs, new puppy, and many many more things I can't think right now. And with all the good there is the bad- mom and her alcoholism, younger brother losing his way, new job and general growing up.
Lately, I have been having very imaginative and over active dreams. Mostly stemming from work stress, but I'm realizing that anything that I'm over-thinking ends up manifesting in my dreams. Although, lately, I've been just dreaming a lot- very random and unconnected to my daily life (like VK's grandfather showing up in my dream) but then just plain old stresses of work that I deal withon a daily basis. As a result, I feel like my sleep has been fitful and not as restful as I would like it to be.
And it has dawned upon me- why don't you write your feelings, concerns, stresses, joys down? Duh! And you already have a journal for that!
It's amazing I even remembered my password for this journal, but man am I glad. And here we go.
So, mental vomit I want to get out: my new job as an events coordinator at a very large restaurant/bar in Brooklyn is definitely not easy. Most days, I work some very lovely brides and grooms- and I truly cherish those lovely people. But many days I deal with people who I can't quite put my finger on what it is about them- but something that I just don't like. Either I find them too finicky, too caught up in the details of wedding planning or I just don't like who they are- mostly because I find them demanding. These are the people who I find don't enjoy life or don't know how to. Don't get me wrong, I understand when people are spending a huge amount of money on a party that lasts only 7 hours at most- they are going to get picky and detailed about their day. But there's no need to get so gruesome about it. I feel people get so ferocious about any suggestion of spending any more money.
I don't know, there are so many aspects to my job that aren't pretty. But I want to walk away knowing that my clients are happy. For instance, I genuinely could feel that another couple I signed today- a huge wedding by the way, that when they gave me that check for a big chunk of money that they were genuinely happy to do so. It definitely made my day knowing that I'll get to work with a couple that seems really cool.
And that's just some of work.
There are a few other things that weigh on my mind everyday. I still haven't spoken to my mother since the Mother's Day incident. I'm at a point, where I refuse to have to do with any point/aspect of her alcoholism. As a result of my choice, I also have no connection with my mom. Through my brother I find out what may be going on with her- but it's all second hand and he's lost in his 19 year old world.
But honestly, I'm at the point of annoyance with her. Why hasn't she tried to reach out to me? In the first few weeks after the incident, my mother tried to act like nothing happened and tried to chat with me as though everything was cool. At that point, I was too angry to even look at her, let alone have small talk.
I know she's embarrassed and maybe my obvious feelings are what will force her to confront her addiction- but now I don't know what's worse? Dealing with my alcoholic mother or wondering constantly why she isn't trying to get in touch with me?
I think all of this is coming to its boiling point with me, because Cosmo and I are actively considering children soon. It's bad enough that I don't have a relationship with my own father- but now I don't even have my mother.
Robert and I have talked about this, and I understand that it's not her who's holding back our potential relationship- but that it's me because I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her for Mother's Day. I can't forgive her for always being depressed. I can't forgive her being drunk all the time. I can't forgive her for never being sober enough to have a decent conversation with. I can't forgive her for letting my brother lose his way. I can't forgive her for being an alcoholic.
At least not yet.
I need my mother back in my life- but I need her healthy- physically and mentally. I want to become a mother soon and will need some of that guidance. What she couldn't always do for me in the past- is just that- the past. I need her to come around and realize the opportunities ahead of us all.
I don't know, I'm angry about her. But on the flip side, I'm so happy with my life. Well, most things aren't easy, but there's definitely something amazing in the challenge too.
Wow. I just spewed a lot there. I think this is good. I hope that I can take my own advice and actually do this more often!
Good night world.
I'm not sure what stopped me from journaling- I suppose it had to do with work and life and a long list of other things life throws at one.
The last two years have been filled with many joys- engagement, marriage, new jobs, new puppy, and many many more things I can't think right now. And with all the good there is the bad- mom and her alcoholism, younger brother losing his way, new job and general growing up.
Lately, I have been having very imaginative and over active dreams. Mostly stemming from work stress, but I'm realizing that anything that I'm over-thinking ends up manifesting in my dreams. Although, lately, I've been just dreaming a lot- very random and unconnected to my daily life (like VK's grandfather showing up in my dream) but then just plain old stresses of work that I deal withon a daily basis. As a result, I feel like my sleep has been fitful and not as restful as I would like it to be.
And it has dawned upon me- why don't you write your feelings, concerns, stresses, joys down? Duh! And you already have a journal for that!
It's amazing I even remembered my password for this journal, but man am I glad. And here we go.
So, mental vomit I want to get out: my new job as an events coordinator at a very large restaurant/bar in Brooklyn is definitely not easy. Most days, I work some very lovely brides and grooms- and I truly cherish those lovely people. But many days I deal with people who I can't quite put my finger on what it is about them- but something that I just don't like. Either I find them too finicky, too caught up in the details of wedding planning or I just don't like who they are- mostly because I find them demanding. These are the people who I find don't enjoy life or don't know how to. Don't get me wrong, I understand when people are spending a huge amount of money on a party that lasts only 7 hours at most- they are going to get picky and detailed about their day. But there's no need to get so gruesome about it. I feel people get so ferocious about any suggestion of spending any more money.
I don't know, there are so many aspects to my job that aren't pretty. But I want to walk away knowing that my clients are happy. For instance, I genuinely could feel that another couple I signed today- a huge wedding by the way, that when they gave me that check for a big chunk of money that they were genuinely happy to do so. It definitely made my day knowing that I'll get to work with a couple that seems really cool.
And that's just some of work.
There are a few other things that weigh on my mind everyday. I still haven't spoken to my mother since the Mother's Day incident. I'm at a point, where I refuse to have to do with any point/aspect of her alcoholism. As a result of my choice, I also have no connection with my mom. Through my brother I find out what may be going on with her- but it's all second hand and he's lost in his 19 year old world.
But honestly, I'm at the point of annoyance with her. Why hasn't she tried to reach out to me? In the first few weeks after the incident, my mother tried to act like nothing happened and tried to chat with me as though everything was cool. At that point, I was too angry to even look at her, let alone have small talk.
I know she's embarrassed and maybe my obvious feelings are what will force her to confront her addiction- but now I don't know what's worse? Dealing with my alcoholic mother or wondering constantly why she isn't trying to get in touch with me?
I think all of this is coming to its boiling point with me, because Cosmo and I are actively considering children soon. It's bad enough that I don't have a relationship with my own father- but now I don't even have my mother.
Robert and I have talked about this, and I understand that it's not her who's holding back our potential relationship- but that it's me because I can't forgive her. I can't forgive her for Mother's Day. I can't forgive her for always being depressed. I can't forgive her being drunk all the time. I can't forgive her for never being sober enough to have a decent conversation with. I can't forgive her for letting my brother lose his way. I can't forgive her for being an alcoholic.
At least not yet.
I need my mother back in my life- but I need her healthy- physically and mentally. I want to become a mother soon and will need some of that guidance. What she couldn't always do for me in the past- is just that- the past. I need her to come around and realize the opportunities ahead of us all.
I don't know, I'm angry about her. But on the flip side, I'm so happy with my life. Well, most things aren't easy, but there's definitely something amazing in the challenge too.
Wow. I just spewed a lot there. I think this is good. I hope that I can take my own advice and actually do this more often!
Good night world.