An open letter...
To the person i am directing this at
Before i begin, may i bring your attention to something you wrote about me once:
im kinda regretting letting it get so outta hand and not being truthful earlier, but whats done is done. and nothing can change that. or no one for that matter.
this is kinda an apology, not saying i want things to go back to how they were, but more saying sorry that i couldnt have been honest sooner. you know who you are. im sorry i hurt you, i just couldnt do it anymore.
im not asking you to talk to me, i dont even know if you'll read this now but im posting it anyway...
i do want you to be ok, now you know im not that special.
i guess in the long run, i just wasnt who you expected me to be.
Now the funny thing about that was, that around 3 months later you admitted to me that what you just said was a lie in itself too...and that none of what happened that night was true, and that you only did it to impress your other friend as she is truly the one you care about.
But i still have to admit a few things really do stand out in what you said.
i do want you to be ok, now you know im not that special.
i guess in the long run, i just wasnt who you expected me to be.
Hmm...very interesting that right? Because first of all, the fact that 'you're not that special'. Does it matter that you think you're not special? Can you tell me one person who actually believes they are special? And im not talking about Paris Hilton here either. What matters is whether or not I think you're special, which i do, so that point is mute.
Secondly, who did i expect you to be? Really, who did i expect you to be? You know who i expected you to be? Someone who is there for me, someone who talks to me. Someone who cares about me. Someone who trusts me to tell me about their problems. Someone who wishes to seek me out for help. Sure at the start i would've like a lot more, but that's kinda impossible yeah? And just like a handful before you, you made me believe there was more to it and that maybe my feelings were returned by you, but no, it was told to me that it was a lie, then told to me that the lie was in fact a lie, and by that time things turned sour.
The most frustrating part is that i'm not like your other friends. I don't get to have the pleasure of seeing you smile, seeing you laugh, seeing your emotions. Anything like that. And thats why i have to be pushy as i am to even try to have some form of communication between us. But no, thats just wrong right? I mean seriously, i'm terribly wrong for wanting communication? I'm terribly wrong for wanting to find out how you are, whats happening in your life, and all things related right? But i mean you are incredibly busy, doing things that take longer than communication does, but how does that make me feel? Doesn't matter right does it?
But then again i'm just a freak, isn't that what you called me once? Or was that you're friend? See this is where i'm confused, because, i really have no idea what to believe in anymore. Tell me, what has been the truth since you've known me? Seriously? Because one minute you tell me something, then tell me the truth about it, only to tell me the truth about that, then go off at me for wanting to hear the truth? But hang on...i 'ask you that all the time' right, and you are too busy to wait around for my answer so you just run away? Because i expect you to be my 'perfect little barbie doll' right? Because again, like i have been reminded so often, i'm selfish?
I just can't help but think of something else you said in that lovely post dedicated to me:
i dont like hurting people, but sometimes, you have to do something for yourself, and that involves hurting someone else...
they decide to turn against you as well, and say stuff to try and hurt you...
in the long run, every1 needs to move on right?
Hmmm...more intersesting points there, hope i'm not avoiding the topic by going on here.
You don't like hurting people? Right ok fair point, of course you don't...who does? Well i could name names there but i'm not that heartless. I'm just prefering to be a whiny little pathetic baby right now by posting this so i'll continue in this style if you don't mind. Anyways as i was saying, you said you had to do something for yourself that may involve hurting someone else. Ok i get that, and in the sense you did it, if it involved the one person in the world i care about more than anyone else i would probably do the same. But still, i would feel guilty about it and maybe want to a few months down the track say sorry and say what i did was a lie. But hang on, that's what you did wasn't it? But what part was the lie? the original story, the story about the original story or the story about the story about the original story?
And right ok, so i turn it around. So again, all of it's me? So by me attempting to form communication with you, that's me turning it around? By snapping at me for doing that, that's me turning it around? That's me being pushy? That's me expecting you to be a perfect little barbie doll? But again i do forget, i have standards for my friends. I mean seriously, i go through a rigourous interview process with them and put them through a month of intensive training before i decide if they are friendship material or not.
And yes, everyone does need to move on. Couldn't aggree with u more on that. But you know what? When it comes to my friends, friends i care about, then no, you don't move on. And apparently i am the same to you. So then shouldn't the same rule apply?
So in conclusion, i have just gone through a whole bunch of crap, most of which i already know ur answer to it. In fact if i could be fucked i could write your reply as a comment on here right now. But no i won't. In fact i expect you not to read this. Because you are extremely busy. I forget that. I forget how busy you actually are. And you know what else i expect? Is for you to just continue to go along the way we are. Maybe a few words will be exchanged down the track, but i don't expect it to be too long until the words go a flying and we start going off at each other again. But the thing is, none of that is supposed to happen. I don't like fighting with my friends. Especially ones i care so much about. But that's just freaky right? That's not natural for me to have those feelings? No of course not, so when you laugh this over with your friends, i hope you remember that the person you are laughing at has feelings. The person you are lauughing at is someone who you apparently care for, but is too busy for. The person you are laughing at would love things to go back to how they were 7 months ago, when things were fresh, new, and rosey. But then again, thats just being pushy right?
Sincerely
Ben
p.s: take this letter as an insult. take it is a compliment. hell take it as the final straw to get rid of me from your life forever. just remember, this letter has meaning, and if you can see it's meaning, and think abuot 7 months ago, then maybe, just maybe, you can see the point of us
Before i begin, may i bring your attention to something you wrote about me once:
im kinda regretting letting it get so outta hand and not being truthful earlier, but whats done is done. and nothing can change that. or no one for that matter.
this is kinda an apology, not saying i want things to go back to how they were, but more saying sorry that i couldnt have been honest sooner. you know who you are. im sorry i hurt you, i just couldnt do it anymore.
im not asking you to talk to me, i dont even know if you'll read this now but im posting it anyway...
i do want you to be ok, now you know im not that special.
i guess in the long run, i just wasnt who you expected me to be.
Now the funny thing about that was, that around 3 months later you admitted to me that what you just said was a lie in itself too...and that none of what happened that night was true, and that you only did it to impress your other friend as she is truly the one you care about.
But i still have to admit a few things really do stand out in what you said.
i do want you to be ok, now you know im not that special.
i guess in the long run, i just wasnt who you expected me to be.
Hmm...very interesting that right? Because first of all, the fact that 'you're not that special'. Does it matter that you think you're not special? Can you tell me one person who actually believes they are special? And im not talking about Paris Hilton here either. What matters is whether or not I think you're special, which i do, so that point is mute.
Secondly, who did i expect you to be? Really, who did i expect you to be? You know who i expected you to be? Someone who is there for me, someone who talks to me. Someone who cares about me. Someone who trusts me to tell me about their problems. Someone who wishes to seek me out for help. Sure at the start i would've like a lot more, but that's kinda impossible yeah? And just like a handful before you, you made me believe there was more to it and that maybe my feelings were returned by you, but no, it was told to me that it was a lie, then told to me that the lie was in fact a lie, and by that time things turned sour.
The most frustrating part is that i'm not like your other friends. I don't get to have the pleasure of seeing you smile, seeing you laugh, seeing your emotions. Anything like that. And thats why i have to be pushy as i am to even try to have some form of communication between us. But no, thats just wrong right? I mean seriously, i'm terribly wrong for wanting communication? I'm terribly wrong for wanting to find out how you are, whats happening in your life, and all things related right? But i mean you are incredibly busy, doing things that take longer than communication does, but how does that make me feel? Doesn't matter right does it?
But then again i'm just a freak, isn't that what you called me once? Or was that you're friend? See this is where i'm confused, because, i really have no idea what to believe in anymore. Tell me, what has been the truth since you've known me? Seriously? Because one minute you tell me something, then tell me the truth about it, only to tell me the truth about that, then go off at me for wanting to hear the truth? But hang on...i 'ask you that all the time' right, and you are too busy to wait around for my answer so you just run away? Because i expect you to be my 'perfect little barbie doll' right? Because again, like i have been reminded so often, i'm selfish?
I just can't help but think of something else you said in that lovely post dedicated to me:
i dont like hurting people, but sometimes, you have to do something for yourself, and that involves hurting someone else...
they decide to turn against you as well, and say stuff to try and hurt you...
in the long run, every1 needs to move on right?
Hmmm...more intersesting points there, hope i'm not avoiding the topic by going on here.
You don't like hurting people? Right ok fair point, of course you don't...who does? Well i could name names there but i'm not that heartless. I'm just prefering to be a whiny little pathetic baby right now by posting this so i'll continue in this style if you don't mind. Anyways as i was saying, you said you had to do something for yourself that may involve hurting someone else. Ok i get that, and in the sense you did it, if it involved the one person in the world i care about more than anyone else i would probably do the same. But still, i would feel guilty about it and maybe want to a few months down the track say sorry and say what i did was a lie. But hang on, that's what you did wasn't it? But what part was the lie? the original story, the story about the original story or the story about the story about the original story?
And right ok, so i turn it around. So again, all of it's me? So by me attempting to form communication with you, that's me turning it around? By snapping at me for doing that, that's me turning it around? That's me being pushy? That's me expecting you to be a perfect little barbie doll? But again i do forget, i have standards for my friends. I mean seriously, i go through a rigourous interview process with them and put them through a month of intensive training before i decide if they are friendship material or not.
And yes, everyone does need to move on. Couldn't aggree with u more on that. But you know what? When it comes to my friends, friends i care about, then no, you don't move on. And apparently i am the same to you. So then shouldn't the same rule apply?
So in conclusion, i have just gone through a whole bunch of crap, most of which i already know ur answer to it. In fact if i could be fucked i could write your reply as a comment on here right now. But no i won't. In fact i expect you not to read this. Because you are extremely busy. I forget that. I forget how busy you actually are. And you know what else i expect? Is for you to just continue to go along the way we are. Maybe a few words will be exchanged down the track, but i don't expect it to be too long until the words go a flying and we start going off at each other again. But the thing is, none of that is supposed to happen. I don't like fighting with my friends. Especially ones i care so much about. But that's just freaky right? That's not natural for me to have those feelings? No of course not, so when you laugh this over with your friends, i hope you remember that the person you are laughing at has feelings. The person you are lauughing at is someone who you apparently care for, but is too busy for. The person you are laughing at would love things to go back to how they were 7 months ago, when things were fresh, new, and rosey. But then again, thats just being pushy right?
Sincerely
Ben
p.s: take this letter as an insult. take it is a compliment. hell take it as the final straw to get rid of me from your life forever. just remember, this letter has meaning, and if you can see it's meaning, and think abuot 7 months ago, then maybe, just maybe, you can see the point of us