(no subject)
Im finding it difficult over the holidays to enjoy being here. There's such a lack of joy and fun in my life that makes it so hard to handle, in my family things are chaotic, loud, joyful. I find that spending time with Alex's family, while nice, is not fun, or joyful. They are quiet people. Its suffocating sometimes as I try my hardest to host something that will be fun, and while Alex knows them and sees their excitement and sees it as they are having fun, I find it stoic and like I'm in some boring twilight land. Im trying to find a close bond with anyone. Sometimes I feel like even Alex only knows me superficially. I wonder if that will ever change lately. I go back and forth on what to do, to stay or to leave, completely overwhelmed by either choice.
I've been really beaten down by the people here. I'm not finding work, I'm not finding anything to do, Alex is mostly content just lazing around instead of actually doing activities which is a constant strain for us. We have nothing we share together it seems thats more than a liking of the same DVR-ed television shows and love of the animals. We haven't seen one movie since Ive been here. We went to the beach twice, and I can count the number of times we've gone out for a walk or some such activity on one hand. I know theres love between us but I can't find a future as I'd wanted to. I thought I'd get closer to him, and largely I feel like he doesn't understand me, perhaps thinks this is real closeness, and its just a disconnect. Im so frustrated about the lack of joy in my life. Usually through the bad there has been varied moments of extreme happiness, and here its a slightly saddened monotone experience. There's nothing I get excited about. The only expression I have right now is to cook, so for Christmas we received pans. While nice, it isn't fun, it in some ways makes me sad that its what people think I'd really want. What about a meal out? What about games or books or movies or art supplies or anything else that isn't so boring. I feel boring. I feel uninspired.
I'm hoping I come out of this depression about being here, right now its hard to imagine how. I miss laughter, I miss feeling like I had a place. I'd love to really feel truly connected to Alex, sometimes I wonder if thats ever an achievable goal, to be really known by another. Im so alone.
So with the Christmas tree, the presents, the cookies yet to be decorated, a big meal to be had, Alex's parents in town, I just feel sad and left out. Im watching Alex have Christmas with his family, Im in no way involved. Not really. It hurts as I've always formed close bonds with families. Alex has his Christmas ring tone, his smile on, he's out with his family without me, theres no holiday cheer here for me.
I'd give anything right now to have a meal with my friends, laugh, talk, feel wanted and understood. I want to hug my mother and cook a meal with her. I want to see my sister's children tear into presents, to play board games. Im lucky to have her and my aunt saying not to give up, I don't know what I'd do without their support. I knew I wouldn't get to talk to my friends as much but I didn't realize how little they'd take time out of their day to even text me. I find the disconnection nearly unbearable.
I don't see this turning up. Today I feel defeated. Im going to keep trying, try to make a life here.
I've been really beaten down by the people here. I'm not finding work, I'm not finding anything to do, Alex is mostly content just lazing around instead of actually doing activities which is a constant strain for us. We have nothing we share together it seems thats more than a liking of the same DVR-ed television shows and love of the animals. We haven't seen one movie since Ive been here. We went to the beach twice, and I can count the number of times we've gone out for a walk or some such activity on one hand. I know theres love between us but I can't find a future as I'd wanted to. I thought I'd get closer to him, and largely I feel like he doesn't understand me, perhaps thinks this is real closeness, and its just a disconnect. Im so frustrated about the lack of joy in my life. Usually through the bad there has been varied moments of extreme happiness, and here its a slightly saddened monotone experience. There's nothing I get excited about. The only expression I have right now is to cook, so for Christmas we received pans. While nice, it isn't fun, it in some ways makes me sad that its what people think I'd really want. What about a meal out? What about games or books or movies or art supplies or anything else that isn't so boring. I feel boring. I feel uninspired.
I'm hoping I come out of this depression about being here, right now its hard to imagine how. I miss laughter, I miss feeling like I had a place. I'd love to really feel truly connected to Alex, sometimes I wonder if thats ever an achievable goal, to be really known by another. Im so alone.
So with the Christmas tree, the presents, the cookies yet to be decorated, a big meal to be had, Alex's parents in town, I just feel sad and left out. Im watching Alex have Christmas with his family, Im in no way involved. Not really. It hurts as I've always formed close bonds with families. Alex has his Christmas ring tone, his smile on, he's out with his family without me, theres no holiday cheer here for me.
I'd give anything right now to have a meal with my friends, laugh, talk, feel wanted and understood. I want to hug my mother and cook a meal with her. I want to see my sister's children tear into presents, to play board games. Im lucky to have her and my aunt saying not to give up, I don't know what I'd do without their support. I knew I wouldn't get to talk to my friends as much but I didn't realize how little they'd take time out of their day to even text me. I find the disconnection nearly unbearable.
I don't see this turning up. Today I feel defeated. Im going to keep trying, try to make a life here.