Well I'd Like To See Our Roles Reversed
To watch you hang on every word.
It's been a week since I've returned, but I really haven't had much time until now to sit and journal about my most recent trip.
I'm certain if you weren't told personally, then it wasn't hard to figure out that I had gone to Maryland to see Marty. It's been almost a year since we've broken up, and I felt like it was about time to gather myself and see how well a trip would go to see him. I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, it's so easy to talk to someone online, but so much different when you're face to face with that person. The last exboyfriend I went to see after being apart from him for a year kinda acted like a dick the first time we saw each other again, so I wasn't sure if the same was going to happen when I went to see Marty o not. It was certainly a concern I had - especially since I have a hard time thinking of Marty as an exboyfriend due to my continued feelings for him.
It was a ridiculously early flight - I actually made it to the airport before the ticketing areas opened. Most of the time spent on my flights was sleeping, and I even wound up practically sleeping on the guy who sat next to me on my first flight. n_n' My return flights pretty much went the same way.
Overall, I'd say the trip went ok. I mean, it certainly went so much better than I could have imagined it to... but it was still weird. I did what I could to have no expectations for the trip - which went rather well, I thought. But it started to feel like we'd never broken up in the first place. It felt so natural to be there with him, even though I ended up being sick the whole trip. Every little thing we did... playing games... relaxing on the couch... going out... going to bed... it all felt the same - if not as if we had started over again somehow. The hardest part, for me at least, were the few times where I just couldn't judge what was on his mind. As much as I wanted to hold his hand at certain points, it was hard to tell if that's what *he* wanted... or times where he would let go of my hand... and I'd wonder "should I have even held it in the first place?" The fact that we ended the trip with no apparent progression or regression in whatever it is that we are... it was a little frustrating, but something I still expected.
It just isn't easy to know exactly how I feel... and to have no clue at all as to how he feels. And I don't know if he talks to anyone about how he may or may not feel about me. I get the feeling he doesn't talk to anyone about those things anymore... and the longer it goes on, the more I wonder if I should even be waiting for the answer to such things. I can't say that I'm waiting for him - but I also can't say that I'm not, you know? My heart is so filled with all of the wonderful things that him and I share and have shared... I can't even begin to know what it would or will feel like to let those things go. I already feel empty without him in my life... I can't imagine how empty it could feel to let every warm feeling I have go.
The trip didn't consist of much since I was only there for the weekend, but basically we did the Otakon Pre Reg line with Andrew the first evening (which REALLY made me want to go to the next Otakon next year), the next day was spent eating crepes, playing Rock Band, and going to Tyson's Corner and our fav Mexican place for lunch, then pizza and 1 vs 100 that evening. Saturday was Indian for breakfast, Tyson's to return some shoes I got and to see Harry Potter, and I made curry for dinner. Marty also introduced me to .hack//SIGN since I was curious about it, then sent it home with me to finish the series. Overall, a very casual and comfortable trip, really. It was very difficult for me to return to reality from it.
I hope that some day soon that my heart will feel full and overflowing again.
It's been a week since I've returned, but I really haven't had much time until now to sit and journal about my most recent trip.
I'm certain if you weren't told personally, then it wasn't hard to figure out that I had gone to Maryland to see Marty. It's been almost a year since we've broken up, and I felt like it was about time to gather myself and see how well a trip would go to see him. I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean, it's so easy to talk to someone online, but so much different when you're face to face with that person. The last exboyfriend I went to see after being apart from him for a year kinda acted like a dick the first time we saw each other again, so I wasn't sure if the same was going to happen when I went to see Marty o not. It was certainly a concern I had - especially since I have a hard time thinking of Marty as an exboyfriend due to my continued feelings for him.
It was a ridiculously early flight - I actually made it to the airport before the ticketing areas opened. Most of the time spent on my flights was sleeping, and I even wound up practically sleeping on the guy who sat next to me on my first flight. n_n' My return flights pretty much went the same way.
Overall, I'd say the trip went ok. I mean, it certainly went so much better than I could have imagined it to... but it was still weird. I did what I could to have no expectations for the trip - which went rather well, I thought. But it started to feel like we'd never broken up in the first place. It felt so natural to be there with him, even though I ended up being sick the whole trip. Every little thing we did... playing games... relaxing on the couch... going out... going to bed... it all felt the same - if not as if we had started over again somehow. The hardest part, for me at least, were the few times where I just couldn't judge what was on his mind. As much as I wanted to hold his hand at certain points, it was hard to tell if that's what *he* wanted... or times where he would let go of my hand... and I'd wonder "should I have even held it in the first place?" The fact that we ended the trip with no apparent progression or regression in whatever it is that we are... it was a little frustrating, but something I still expected.
It just isn't easy to know exactly how I feel... and to have no clue at all as to how he feels. And I don't know if he talks to anyone about how he may or may not feel about me. I get the feeling he doesn't talk to anyone about those things anymore... and the longer it goes on, the more I wonder if I should even be waiting for the answer to such things. I can't say that I'm waiting for him - but I also can't say that I'm not, you know? My heart is so filled with all of the wonderful things that him and I share and have shared... I can't even begin to know what it would or will feel like to let those things go. I already feel empty without him in my life... I can't imagine how empty it could feel to let every warm feeling I have go.
The trip didn't consist of much since I was only there for the weekend, but basically we did the Otakon Pre Reg line with Andrew the first evening (which REALLY made me want to go to the next Otakon next year), the next day was spent eating crepes, playing Rock Band, and going to Tyson's Corner and our fav Mexican place for lunch, then pizza and 1 vs 100 that evening. Saturday was Indian for breakfast, Tyson's to return some shoes I got and to see Harry Potter, and I made curry for dinner. Marty also introduced me to .hack//SIGN since I was curious about it, then sent it home with me to finish the series. Overall, a very casual and comfortable trip, really. It was very difficult for me to return to reality from it.
I hope that some day soon that my heart will feel full and overflowing again.