Baby steps, or "How did I end up here?"
It seems a perversion of reality to call this an "inaugural" LJ entry. While it may be the first entry in this particular journal, it is probably the 5,000th I've written over the past 7 years. Welcome to LJ 3.0.
I began writing on LJ in 2003, when my wife left me holding a 1 year old baby girl and wondering what the hell had just happened.
She and I made the fateful decision to reconcile a few months later, and I abandoned the "hate-rage-misery" journal for a "fresh start" journal. That lasted years, as we tried to make things work between us.
But over the past few months, I've relived those horrible days of 2003 and here I am, yet again, abandoned. Live and learn, yes ... this will be the last time this happens to me, at least that's the sound bite I keep playing in my head. For now, anyway, I am here, trying to keep life as normal as possible for my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son.
Here we are, again.
My wife left for work 3 mornings ago, and has never come back. She texted a few times, reminding me of how this is all MY fault - promised she'd return today to see the kids. Of course, they cried themselves to sleep over that broken promise. I guess they have been too sheltered - I've known for years what they are now finding out, that their mother is turning out just like HER mother. And here we are. I knew it was coming.
Here we are.
Again.
I blame Evanescence. I truly do. If not for their Immortal [the radio version], my life would be quite different. But that is, of course, a story for another day. A day many years ago, or some time in the future. The lines between the two are so blurred at this point, I'm not sure I would know the difference. Maybe it's the pain, maybe just the alcohol. Or maybe [deep down] I prefer life this way. A little misery mixed in can certainly give one a much more rational perspective...
Oh, I'm sorry.....excuse my rudeness ..... if you are still reading, then perhaps you and I can be friends? I would like that, because I pretty much live my life on this computer and the friends I make here are the only links I have to the human experience. True, I have my kids, and my parents, and my siblings, and ... well, let's face facts .... I am like that puzzle piece you find that doesn't match the rest of the pieces in the box. Obviously cut from a different mold, but upon closer inspection, you are pretty confident you've never even seen the puzzle it actually belongs to.
Not to criticize the real people in my life, but that's just the problem - they are real, therefore they think they know me. That's my fault - I haven't been honest with anyone since 1994.
But I digress .... [if it's possible to actually digress from a story about how you've just been abandoned for the second time by the same person....]
here
we are braving the days, a few hours at a time, thankful for distractions like Tangled and Chuck E. Cheese [yes, I did actually go outside today] and trying to sidestep questions from a 3 year old who asks [after 3 days, you'd think this would have come up before NOW] when is mommie coming home???
And I think to myself, not
again...
So I embark upon this journey alone, or with YOU, if you choose to join me. It's been a long time, though we've never met. I invite you to become engulfed in this life, [I have no choice in the matter- but you do, so if you say yes then I thank you] as I figure out what my own destiny is, and how to protect the two precious lives that sleep in the rooms right outside that door.
Seems familiar, doesn't it? Well, that's because here...we are...again.
I began writing on LJ in 2003, when my wife left me holding a 1 year old baby girl and wondering what the hell had just happened.
She and I made the fateful decision to reconcile a few months later, and I abandoned the "hate-rage-misery" journal for a "fresh start" journal. That lasted years, as we tried to make things work between us.
But over the past few months, I've relived those horrible days of 2003 and here I am, yet again, abandoned. Live and learn, yes ... this will be the last time this happens to me, at least that's the sound bite I keep playing in my head. For now, anyway, I am here, trying to keep life as normal as possible for my 8 year old daughter and my 3 year old son.
Here we are, again.
My wife left for work 3 mornings ago, and has never come back. She texted a few times, reminding me of how this is all MY fault - promised she'd return today to see the kids. Of course, they cried themselves to sleep over that broken promise. I guess they have been too sheltered - I've known for years what they are now finding out, that their mother is turning out just like HER mother. And here we are. I knew it was coming.
Here we are.
Again.
I blame Evanescence. I truly do. If not for their Immortal [the radio version], my life would be quite different. But that is, of course, a story for another day. A day many years ago, or some time in the future. The lines between the two are so blurred at this point, I'm not sure I would know the difference. Maybe it's the pain, maybe just the alcohol. Or maybe [deep down] I prefer life this way. A little misery mixed in can certainly give one a much more rational perspective...
Oh, I'm sorry.....excuse my rudeness ..... if you are still reading, then perhaps you and I can be friends? I would like that, because I pretty much live my life on this computer and the friends I make here are the only links I have to the human experience. True, I have my kids, and my parents, and my siblings, and ... well, let's face facts .... I am like that puzzle piece you find that doesn't match the rest of the pieces in the box. Obviously cut from a different mold, but upon closer inspection, you are pretty confident you've never even seen the puzzle it actually belongs to.
Not to criticize the real people in my life, but that's just the problem - they are real, therefore they think they know me. That's my fault - I haven't been honest with anyone since 1994.
But I digress .... [if it's possible to actually digress from a story about how you've just been abandoned for the second time by the same person....]
here
we are braving the days, a few hours at a time, thankful for distractions like Tangled and Chuck E. Cheese [yes, I did actually go outside today] and trying to sidestep questions from a 3 year old who asks [after 3 days, you'd think this would have come up before NOW] when is mommie coming home???
And I think to myself, not
again...
So I embark upon this journey alone, or with YOU, if you choose to join me. It's been a long time, though we've never met. I invite you to become engulfed in this life, [I have no choice in the matter- but you do, so if you say yes then I thank you] as I figure out what my own destiny is, and how to protect the two precious lives that sleep in the rooms right outside that door.
Seems familiar, doesn't it? Well, that's because here...we are...again.