topic 37 proverb
As soon as man is born he begins to die.
I flirted with death since I was a teenager. From reckless stunts to straight suicide attempts, I was convinced death was the answer to all of my problems. They say that a suicide attempt is really a cry for help, but honestly back then I wanted to die. I'm sure a lot of people won't get why I would want to check out, but I don't expect anyone to get it. The simple fact is that I have always been weak and when you are weak you want an easy way out.
I wasn't trying to kill myself with the performance enhancers. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's the truth. Yeah, it was stupid to test them on me and I set in motion a chain of events that changed a lot of lives, but my intention was not to die. I just wanted to stop feeling weak and worthless. For once in my life I wanted to be strong enough to stand up for myself. I wanted to be able to accomplish something my father had failed at. He raised me to believe I was not worth the price of losing my mother, and I agreed with him. Her life for mine was not a fair trade, but I wanted to do something spectacular. Something that would put OsCorp on the map in a way my father and grandfather had failed to do. I lost sight of the fact that half my genetics come from my mother, and she wouldn't have wanted me to do follow in their footsteps. For the short time I had her in my life she encouraged me to follow my own dreams and to dare to be comfortable in my own skin. His voice was clearer in my head than hers and I found myself jumping through his hoops long after he was dead.
Dying from the performance enhancers was agonizingly slow at times, and terrifyingly fast at others. The pain was something that I had never experienced in any of my masochistic searches. There was no pleasure gained from that pain except for the brief high I would get when the drugs would circulate through my veins again. I wanted it to be over and then I was terrified it would end. Hovering between life and death, I kept waiting to see which I feared more. Would it be death? Waiting for it to come and get me was worse than the actual experience. Maybe that was because it wasn't the performance enhancers that granted my death wish.
I know people don't get why he did it, but it wasn't for the reasons you probably fear. He knew that my kids were the world to me and he wanted me to be able to be there for Faith, Tyler and Alexia. He wanted me to be able to have the chance that was taken from him. Maybe there were other factors that came in to play, but ultimately it was for Faith, the kids, and me to have the chance to be a family that pushed him into taking that risk with me. Maybe I was dying from the time I was born, but I didn't really start living until after I was dead.
I flirted with death since I was a teenager. From reckless stunts to straight suicide attempts, I was convinced death was the answer to all of my problems. They say that a suicide attempt is really a cry for help, but honestly back then I wanted to die. I'm sure a lot of people won't get why I would want to check out, but I don't expect anyone to get it. The simple fact is that I have always been weak and when you are weak you want an easy way out.
I wasn't trying to kill myself with the performance enhancers. Maybe that doesn't mean anything to anyone, but it's the truth. Yeah, it was stupid to test them on me and I set in motion a chain of events that changed a lot of lives, but my intention was not to die. I just wanted to stop feeling weak and worthless. For once in my life I wanted to be strong enough to stand up for myself. I wanted to be able to accomplish something my father had failed at. He raised me to believe I was not worth the price of losing my mother, and I agreed with him. Her life for mine was not a fair trade, but I wanted to do something spectacular. Something that would put OsCorp on the map in a way my father and grandfather had failed to do. I lost sight of the fact that half my genetics come from my mother, and she wouldn't have wanted me to do follow in their footsteps. For the short time I had her in my life she encouraged me to follow my own dreams and to dare to be comfortable in my own skin. His voice was clearer in my head than hers and I found myself jumping through his hoops long after he was dead.
Dying from the performance enhancers was agonizingly slow at times, and terrifyingly fast at others. The pain was something that I had never experienced in any of my masochistic searches. There was no pleasure gained from that pain except for the brief high I would get when the drugs would circulate through my veins again. I wanted it to be over and then I was terrified it would end. Hovering between life and death, I kept waiting to see which I feared more. Would it be death? Waiting for it to come and get me was worse than the actual experience. Maybe that was because it wasn't the performance enhancers that granted my death wish.
I know people don't get why he did it, but it wasn't for the reasons you probably fear. He knew that my kids were the world to me and he wanted me to be able to be there for Faith, Tyler and Alexia. He wanted me to be able to have the chance that was taken from him. Maybe there were other factors that came in to play, but ultimately it was for Faith, the kids, and me to have the chance to be a family that pushed him into taking that risk with me. Maybe I was dying from the time I was born, but I didn't really start living until after I was dead.