(no subject)
I often wonder what is wrong with me. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything. Even the simplest things like laundry or dishes. On my days off, I always tell myself Im going to do all these things but I cant muster up the motivation. Now dont get me wrong, I do dishes and laundry and clean up a lot. I feel so lazy most of the time. I guess the best thing to do would to be to just do it and dont think about. Maybe I think about it too much. I dont know. I just dont know. But really I feel like I have no ambition or drive in life to better myself. I feel like that part of me died a long time ago.
I never aspired to be anything. I want to go back to school but I am so against putting myself in a load of debt. I dont feel smart. Justin told me one of the reasons he dosent want to be with me is because I have no ambition to do anything with my life, I just want him to take care of me. Which is somewhat true to a point, but its not like I dont work and Im eating bon bons here. I wonder if its depression. I have suffered from depression for so long, I never ever feel happy. I dont even know what that feels like because nothing makes me happy. I know I have to make MYSELF happy but its really hard for me to do for some reason. Depression is so crushing and debilitating. It literally makes me not want to do anything.
I really wish I knew what was wrong with me. This has been going on for years. maybe Im just so used to the routine of it that old habits are going to die hard. I dont know how all these people get up every day and do twenty things with thier day and get the most out of life. Seize the day. How some people have so much ambition and motivation and some dont. I feel like there is something wrong with me and I dont know what it is. If I could pinpoint it then I could maybe do something about it. I feel like a wasted space sometimes. I tried antidepressants but all they did was make me throw up and feel sick. Plus I dont have health insurance right now so I cant get meds. Im sure I could get meds from somewhere but it needs to be the right medication for whatever is wrong with me. As soon as I get health insurance I will be seeing a doctor for meds.
Mental illness sucks.....:/