Just Some Thoughts...

[nwashburn]

Well I've had alot going through my head the last few days and I just dont know. I haven't been getting much sleep... the one night I was sick as can be the others i just cant fall asleep. I guess that lately I just feel like so much shit is currently out of my control. Alot of things that have happened in the last year or so I wish I could forget/erase/redo/change/etc. I can't change or redo the past so thats out. Trying to fix my mistakes is a long and hard process that I'm just not sure how to complete... I'm stuck and I don't know how to prove myself. I feel so lonely... I look around and see so many of my friends happy and enjoying things and I look at what I've got and I just feel so empty and alone. I don't know what to say anymore... I feel as if I can't keep things right and I can't keep certain things from going bad. I somehow seem to hurt certain people or drag them down just by my association. The fact that they try to be my friend causes everyone to want to say shit and try to act like I always have to have some underhanded motive to doing things. I'm sick of that bullshit more than anything else. I wish everyone would just leave me the fuck alone and quit acting like you know me or know what I want or how I want things to be. Because quite frankly unless you are one of maybe! a hand full of people at best you don't know me at all. On a different note I can't help but feel lonely anymore. I haven't actually had a girlfriend in the last ... 4 years? In that time I've liked varying people but theres been one that I've had feelings for throught the entire span almost. I know that in many ways I haven't always been the perfect person or perfect friend. I know that in some ways I have probably been one of the worst people and worst friends imagineable... i look at it and think my god how can she even still speak to me after some of the things I've done yet alone ever have feelings for me. I really don't know if its possible for me to make things right and have thigns work out.... I keep hoping .... keep wishing.... I remember all the good times all the smiles all the laughs .... i also remember alot of tears and anger... but no one is perfect. I'm just not sure of things right now... and sometimes i feel like I have it within me to make things work out... and other days i feel like nothing i could ever do could change things. I'm not really sure she knows any better than I do... who knows...

Well now that I've said that I guess I'm going to go... later