(no subject)
Well, instead of the typical “what I am up to” bullshit I normally put in here, I think it is time to open up the “Zillavault”™ for one of those amusing stories from my past that will leave you either laughing or repulsed. I don’t care which. Bad attention is better than no attention.
My first thought is that I do not know which of the many stories I have to tell everyone. Should I tell the one about the chick who was giving me head and let me fart in her face 8 times before she finally stopped? How about the time I was doing the nasty on the couch with the girl two streets up and my mom walked in on me? Maybe the time I was at some black tie affair with my Dad when I was 12 years old and tried to eek out a SBD fart, when in fact, it came out sounding like a skil-saw ripping through a sheet of plywood? Then theres the time I told my girlfriend at the time that we were going to a different nudist resort than the one we normaly go to, when in fact it wasn’t a nudist resort at all we were going to, it was a PARK, she got out of the car and took her clothes off, much to the pleasant surprise of the kids and dads in the area, and to the chagrin of the moms that were there. She dumped me shortly thereafter, dammit. Then theres the time I accidentally shot off a shotgun in my car out front of my best friends house, or the time I got into a 10 mile high speed pursuit while I was in a used police car I owned. Maybe the time I smoked the shit out of my tires taking off, not noticing the cop right behind me. I got a ticket for things I didn’t know exsisted that day. I don’t know, so many stories to tell, but which one would be the most amusing? Hell, I think I will tell the disney story.
About 3 years ago, for Chris’ and my Christmas present, my Grandmother, Father, and Mother all chipped in and got the two of us 4 day passes for Walt Disney World. We lived in Ft.Lauderdale at the time, and were on the way back from visiting the relatives in Kansas City. At the time, Chris had never been to any of the parks, and the last time I had gone was with my middle school on a field trip when I was 13. So, considering it was 17 years later at that point, I too was looking forward to going. We got a hotel room at some hotel near the park, and since this was only about a few months after 9/11, the hotels were super cheap and very empty. We had a nice hotel, 5th floor, dennys in the lobby with free breakfast for those staying, and it was right next to one of those big huge gift store outlets they have. Well, day one for WDW came, and we headed over there and parked at Epcot. Its always better to park at Epcot, because its less crowded. Keep in mind, last time I was at Epcot, it was only maybe a year old or so. Anyway I get into the park and go to take Chris’s photo in front of the big ass silver ball, when GASP, I realized I left my camera in the hotel room. No big deal I thought, they have this nice little kodak store here right at the entrance, I can get one of those $4 disposable cameras here, though I am sure it will be $6-$8 because of where I am. Wrong. Seems that there is some “Moron who forgot to bring a camera” tax, so the disposable camera you can get for $4 anywhere else on earth, is LITERALLY $24 at Epcot. The one thing my relatives wanted was a photo of Chris at Disney world, and I wouldn’t be able to take the photo on day one. Thank goodness I am staying for 2 days.
Fuck that! I never have had a problem spending money when it needs to be spent, but I couldn’t justify the extra $20 for that, so for day one, we had no camera. We rode a couple of the rides at Epcot, and that’s when I remembered why it sucked so much when I was a kid. Seems that the person who made Epcot, made it for old people. 80% of the rides there aren’t rides at all, but are movies, slow moving bullshit rides, or my favorite, the “lets float around and watch plants grow for 15 minutes”. That ride is truly a joy. And for only $40 extra, at the end of the boat ride, you can go speak to the USDA Plant inspector people in the lab! Whee!!! Fuck that. Worse than that, my girlfriend at the time was at my house in Ft.Lauderdale all pissed off that she wasn’t there with us (because she couldn’t get time off work to visit in KC with me). She kept calling me every 20 minutes to chew me out that she wasn’t there. To the point that I actually turned off my phone on her, which just got her more pissed off.
Anyway, after realizing how much Epcot at the time sucked (Test track was way cool. The rest of it? Eh..) we hopped on the monorail for the trip to the Magic Kingdom, where we proceeded to have a great time the rest of the day. The next morning, after we ate our free Dennys, Chris and I headed next door to the big ass huge discount gift shop. I went my way to get a stuffed pluto for my GF (who was still way pissed at me because I didn’t drive all the way down to get her, to drive all the way back) which she ended up throwing in my face 2 days later because it wasn’t “the big one”, the disposable camera, which fortunately was only the standard $4, and some other small token gifts for friends and family. Chris was off doing his thing as well, he had some cash, and bought himself a couple tee shirts. He did show them to me, but I admittedly just kinda glanced at the shirt, said “that’s nice” and went back to what I was doing. Typical parental blow-off. So, I had to crap after the dennys (typical) and we didn’t want to walk all over disney world with the shit we just bought, so we head back to the hotel room and drop off the stuff. Chris changed into one of his new shirts, which at a glance looked like a harley davidson shirt, and we were off, camera in tow.
We get to the magic kingdom parking lot, and I admit, I did a fast count of the cars that were there, at $8 each to park. They make a fucking killing there! I then did the math on entrance fees, going on the assumption that they had 3 people per car. DAMN do they make a killing!! Anyway, we get in the park, take the ferry to the main entrance, as the monorail had a line from hell. We get there, walk up part of main street USA, and BAM, here is the perfect photo opportunity. Chris standing in front of the big ass castle. Perfect place for the photo the family wants! I have Chris stand there, and go to take the photo when I realize the shirt he has on, which I thought was a harley shirt, was in fact a shirt that says “Show me your tits”. Great. My last day at disney, and the only photos I have to send the relatives are the ones with the vulgar shirt. Lovely. Anyway, the day was fun, towards the end of the day, a worker in the hall of presidents tells me that my son cant wear that shirt and I need to go buy him one. I told him I am not going to pay $45 for a tee shirt, so he will have to deal with it. He then tells me that the magic kingdon is a “family park” and that the shirt my son is wearing is not allowed.
“Family park!?!?” I said “you all have GAY DAYS for christs sake, don’t tell me it’s a family park!!” He didn’t really say much at that point, so we went for one last ride on the water flume thing, which fortunately takes yer photo, which is the photo that went out to the relatives. And it only cost me $24.
See ya on the flip side kids.. If I don’t update before this weekend, I hope all of you and yours have a fantastic holiday!
My first thought is that I do not know which of the many stories I have to tell everyone. Should I tell the one about the chick who was giving me head and let me fart in her face 8 times before she finally stopped? How about the time I was doing the nasty on the couch with the girl two streets up and my mom walked in on me? Maybe the time I was at some black tie affair with my Dad when I was 12 years old and tried to eek out a SBD fart, when in fact, it came out sounding like a skil-saw ripping through a sheet of plywood? Then theres the time I told my girlfriend at the time that we were going to a different nudist resort than the one we normaly go to, when in fact it wasn’t a nudist resort at all we were going to, it was a PARK, she got out of the car and took her clothes off, much to the pleasant surprise of the kids and dads in the area, and to the chagrin of the moms that were there. She dumped me shortly thereafter, dammit. Then theres the time I accidentally shot off a shotgun in my car out front of my best friends house, or the time I got into a 10 mile high speed pursuit while I was in a used police car I owned. Maybe the time I smoked the shit out of my tires taking off, not noticing the cop right behind me. I got a ticket for things I didn’t know exsisted that day. I don’t know, so many stories to tell, but which one would be the most amusing? Hell, I think I will tell the disney story.
About 3 years ago, for Chris’ and my Christmas present, my Grandmother, Father, and Mother all chipped in and got the two of us 4 day passes for Walt Disney World. We lived in Ft.Lauderdale at the time, and were on the way back from visiting the relatives in Kansas City. At the time, Chris had never been to any of the parks, and the last time I had gone was with my middle school on a field trip when I was 13. So, considering it was 17 years later at that point, I too was looking forward to going. We got a hotel room at some hotel near the park, and since this was only about a few months after 9/11, the hotels were super cheap and very empty. We had a nice hotel, 5th floor, dennys in the lobby with free breakfast for those staying, and it was right next to one of those big huge gift store outlets they have. Well, day one for WDW came, and we headed over there and parked at Epcot. Its always better to park at Epcot, because its less crowded. Keep in mind, last time I was at Epcot, it was only maybe a year old or so. Anyway I get into the park and go to take Chris’s photo in front of the big ass silver ball, when GASP, I realized I left my camera in the hotel room. No big deal I thought, they have this nice little kodak store here right at the entrance, I can get one of those $4 disposable cameras here, though I am sure it will be $6-$8 because of where I am. Wrong. Seems that there is some “Moron who forgot to bring a camera” tax, so the disposable camera you can get for $4 anywhere else on earth, is LITERALLY $24 at Epcot. The one thing my relatives wanted was a photo of Chris at Disney world, and I wouldn’t be able to take the photo on day one. Thank goodness I am staying for 2 days.
Fuck that! I never have had a problem spending money when it needs to be spent, but I couldn’t justify the extra $20 for that, so for day one, we had no camera. We rode a couple of the rides at Epcot, and that’s when I remembered why it sucked so much when I was a kid. Seems that the person who made Epcot, made it for old people. 80% of the rides there aren’t rides at all, but are movies, slow moving bullshit rides, or my favorite, the “lets float around and watch plants grow for 15 minutes”. That ride is truly a joy. And for only $40 extra, at the end of the boat ride, you can go speak to the USDA Plant inspector people in the lab! Whee!!! Fuck that. Worse than that, my girlfriend at the time was at my house in Ft.Lauderdale all pissed off that she wasn’t there with us (because she couldn’t get time off work to visit in KC with me). She kept calling me every 20 minutes to chew me out that she wasn’t there. To the point that I actually turned off my phone on her, which just got her more pissed off.
Anyway, after realizing how much Epcot at the time sucked (Test track was way cool. The rest of it? Eh..) we hopped on the monorail for the trip to the Magic Kingdom, where we proceeded to have a great time the rest of the day. The next morning, after we ate our free Dennys, Chris and I headed next door to the big ass huge discount gift shop. I went my way to get a stuffed pluto for my GF (who was still way pissed at me because I didn’t drive all the way down to get her, to drive all the way back) which she ended up throwing in my face 2 days later because it wasn’t “the big one”, the disposable camera, which fortunately was only the standard $4, and some other small token gifts for friends and family. Chris was off doing his thing as well, he had some cash, and bought himself a couple tee shirts. He did show them to me, but I admittedly just kinda glanced at the shirt, said “that’s nice” and went back to what I was doing. Typical parental blow-off. So, I had to crap after the dennys (typical) and we didn’t want to walk all over disney world with the shit we just bought, so we head back to the hotel room and drop off the stuff. Chris changed into one of his new shirts, which at a glance looked like a harley davidson shirt, and we were off, camera in tow.
We get to the magic kingdom parking lot, and I admit, I did a fast count of the cars that were there, at $8 each to park. They make a fucking killing there! I then did the math on entrance fees, going on the assumption that they had 3 people per car. DAMN do they make a killing!! Anyway, we get in the park, take the ferry to the main entrance, as the monorail had a line from hell. We get there, walk up part of main street USA, and BAM, here is the perfect photo opportunity. Chris standing in front of the big ass castle. Perfect place for the photo the family wants! I have Chris stand there, and go to take the photo when I realize the shirt he has on, which I thought was a harley shirt, was in fact a shirt that says “Show me your tits”. Great. My last day at disney, and the only photos I have to send the relatives are the ones with the vulgar shirt. Lovely. Anyway, the day was fun, towards the end of the day, a worker in the hall of presidents tells me that my son cant wear that shirt and I need to go buy him one. I told him I am not going to pay $45 for a tee shirt, so he will have to deal with it. He then tells me that the magic kingdon is a “family park” and that the shirt my son is wearing is not allowed.
“Family park!?!?” I said “you all have GAY DAYS for christs sake, don’t tell me it’s a family park!!” He didn’t really say much at that point, so we went for one last ride on the water flume thing, which fortunately takes yer photo, which is the photo that went out to the relatives. And it only cost me $24.
See ya on the flip side kids.. If I don’t update before this weekend, I hope all of you and yours have a fantastic holiday!