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I really am confused about everything. I found out Yesterday that Shawn died. She died in her sleep the night I was going to go over there. Its hard, Its so strange and I can't believe she's dead- she was so young. I feel bad for Cormac- he's only 5! I got married to Rachel today, and then I divorced her and married Jessica. It was exciting. THen after school I had a "talk" with Rachel- I won't say what we talked about, but I think shes mad at me. I don't know..... Its getting harder and harder everyday that goes by. Its amazing how you can love somebody with every fiber of your being- and they never suspect a thing. Just interesting to me, of course, I am speaking of Jane*. In my eyes, she is the perfect person. Its hard to get through the day knowing that Im the only one who feels this way. It hurts me when she says things, such as she hates herself or nobody loves her or life sucks. It makes me feel so sad and hopeless. I wish I could take all of her pain away, but I can't. Also, I see no point in even going to lunch anymore. I don't eat, and we go and I just get ignored the whole time and mope around. I love Jessica and all (whoo-hoo for my wife!) but other than her, lunchtime sucks. Anyways, back to Jane*. I swear, she is the only thing that keeps me going, she is the only thing that keeps me from doing something stupid or hurting myself. She brightens up my whole day. I feel so alone in this fucked up world, Im lost in this nightmare called life. I just feel like everybody I care about pushes me into the middle of the road and I get hit by a big bus. All I wasnt is somebody who will save me from the bus!!!! But, what can I do? I can't do anything... I feel like a slug- I'm there, but nobody wants me there. I know that I love Jane* too much, and I don't want to tell her anything becuase I don't want to lose whatever I have with her (aquantences[sp?], friends, classmates, whatever you want to call it), I don't want to risk that, because thats all that gets me through the day.