I...
I wish life was simple again.
I'm having to grow up fast.
I'm more responsible in the fact that I need to keep working to support myself, and that I need to pay my own bills now.
Last time in SF I had my inheritance as help..and my mommy. This time it's just me.
I wish I could tell my mom some of the things I'm going through. I know she can see me and she's smiling down on me because I'm being "so strong"..but I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I want to break down and cry in front of people at work. But I can't because I'm on first register and I'm supposed to be happy and cheery.
Sometimes I'm on the freeway and I want to keep driving...til I run out of gas.
I don't have any one to answer to anymore. I know I have some friends and family that would be concerned...but I really don't care. I don't respect anyone but my mom..so I don't answer to anyone but her. I want to make her proud.
I want to keep going to school..I want to make her happy.
But I really don't think I can make it. I feel so fucking hollow and empty. Like my heart is sore and it hurts to breathe. I pretend and act like nothing is bothering me..only because if I let myself cry I know I won't stop.
I feel like I've been missing her phone call for two weeks..and that I need to talk to her soon.
It's not real. She hasn't left me. She can't..she knows I need her...
How could she leave me? It wasn't supposed to be a serious surgery..I mean losing a toe is bad enough..but she wasn't supposed to DIE.
It's like going in for a cavity filing and passing away on the fucking table?
How could a sore on her foot lead to this?
It wasn't serious.
It was no big deal. I didn't even think I needed to go to the doctors with her.
I offered..but she didn't want me to. I should have. I should have spent every last minute with her and not sleeping in and missing time to visit because of work.
I wish I could have seen her one last time.
I wish I hadn't of told her I was sick of hospitals..I wish I hadn't been so selfish.
I should have been holding her hand.
It's not possible. She's in the hospital. She's not dead.
I refuse to believe it.
Why did she leave me?
No one fucking understands. She was my fucking life. No one thinks it's a big deal.
Just sit there and fucking think about it. Imagine being so close to one person, the one you tell all your secrets to..the one who taught you how to be who you are today. The one person there for you no MATTER WHAT. Unconditional love.
Imagine them gone. Forever. Imagine trying to live a hollow existence trying to make everyone but yourself happy. The one person you lived for...the one person who pushed you..who taught you how to live life..who you honestly made every move for. Every breath was for her .I never got into bad drugs, or dropped out of school, or ended up pregnant because I wanted to make her happy. She was the reason I graduated HS when I was a year behind (I made it all up in less than a year)..she was the reason I got into State. She was the reason I pushed myself harder than anyone can imagine to try and succeed. She was my motivation, my muse. I'm nothing without her.
Smile now cry later.
I'm having to grow up fast.
I'm more responsible in the fact that I need to keep working to support myself, and that I need to pay my own bills now.
Last time in SF I had my inheritance as help..and my mommy. This time it's just me.
I wish I could tell my mom some of the things I'm going through. I know she can see me and she's smiling down on me because I'm being "so strong"..but I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I want to break down and cry in front of people at work. But I can't because I'm on first register and I'm supposed to be happy and cheery.
Sometimes I'm on the freeway and I want to keep driving...til I run out of gas.
I don't have any one to answer to anymore. I know I have some friends and family that would be concerned...but I really don't care. I don't respect anyone but my mom..so I don't answer to anyone but her. I want to make her proud.
I want to keep going to school..I want to make her happy.
But I really don't think I can make it. I feel so fucking hollow and empty. Like my heart is sore and it hurts to breathe. I pretend and act like nothing is bothering me..only because if I let myself cry I know I won't stop.
I feel like I've been missing her phone call for two weeks..and that I need to talk to her soon.
It's not real. She hasn't left me. She can't..she knows I need her...
How could she leave me? It wasn't supposed to be a serious surgery..I mean losing a toe is bad enough..but she wasn't supposed to DIE.
It's like going in for a cavity filing and passing away on the fucking table?
How could a sore on her foot lead to this?
It wasn't serious.
It was no big deal. I didn't even think I needed to go to the doctors with her.
I offered..but she didn't want me to. I should have. I should have spent every last minute with her and not sleeping in and missing time to visit because of work.
I wish I could have seen her one last time.
I wish I hadn't of told her I was sick of hospitals..I wish I hadn't been so selfish.
I should have been holding her hand.
It's not possible. She's in the hospital. She's not dead.
I refuse to believe it.
Why did she leave me?
No one fucking understands. She was my fucking life. No one thinks it's a big deal.
Just sit there and fucking think about it. Imagine being so close to one person, the one you tell all your secrets to..the one who taught you how to be who you are today. The one person there for you no MATTER WHAT. Unconditional love.
Imagine them gone. Forever. Imagine trying to live a hollow existence trying to make everyone but yourself happy. The one person you lived for...the one person who pushed you..who taught you how to live life..who you honestly made every move for. Every breath was for her .I never got into bad drugs, or dropped out of school, or ended up pregnant because I wanted to make her happy. She was the reason I graduated HS when I was a year behind (I made it all up in less than a year)..she was the reason I got into State. She was the reason I pushed myself harder than anyone can imagine to try and succeed. She was my motivation, my muse. I'm nothing without her.
Smile now cry later.