Jul 23, 2018 09:47
Reading through this I realized I have been following the same patterns in relationships for years. Since I was 17 years old.
And it all stems down to not having self respect, no self love and a fear of being alone.
I never built a relationship with myself because I thought - "if I just attract the right person", "if I just can find my twin flame" "if i can just find my soul mate". Well. I found both. And both were a disappointment.
The biggest disappointment however, has been myself and my decisions. This last fiasco of a relationship - same pattern, different face.
I am struggling with myself lately. Ending with T opened up a whole other level of what really is the problem - and it boils down to putting myself in a position where I allow myself to be criticized, talked down to, where I put aside my own morals and values for someone else. Who is this person? I don't know me anymore. Or maybe I never truly did.
I have lived the patterns of starting relationships with people who are already involved with someone else since I have been 16/17 years old. How has this gone on for over 10 years and I am just now noticing that this is a problem?
Do I attract others who don't have self love either? Is that what this is about? People lie and manipulate the situation and I place myself in a position to allow that to seep into my own life.
'A promise with a lie, is broken by design.'
I think for years, being alone meant that I fail. Being alone meant sad and pathetic, not empowing and self loving.
How does any person who truly loves themselves become so willing to throw themselves at others when the opportunity arises?
I feel like my body and soul have been a free for all to anyone who would have it. Who I was attracted to equally but has been primarily based on looks. A person I thought to be attractive - if they like me too, I somehow became successful in that category - "this must be it". "If I can somehow get someone I thought was this attractive, it must mean something."
All surface level.