(no subject)
I just want one time.. or more then one time to be recognized and known for something other then.. a person that people give advice to all the time. OR a person who is really really nice.. I want to be
someone that is always talented and bright and cheerful and i dont know someone people want to be around expecially boys, and i wish once that for goodness sakes that i can get a good things and it can just be good it doesnt have to be anything at all except good. Like i dont have to pretend and i dont have to worry about pretending cause even if i pretend its okay. I dont want to be sympathized or pittied or looked at as "poor Sasha" Even though sometimes its nice.. but really only from my mom.
But like i just want ot be accepted and loved for somethign other than.. me. That doesnt make sense..
BUt..
I put up a front to people it seems( and that front is the real me)
but later on in the relationship with the other person..i start to feel badly and my front (or the realy me starts to fade.. and i dont feel like me any more.. i feel not good enough.. and i just dont try or i try to hard or i forget how to try..
I dont know i talked to danny tonight on the phone i called him.. and i didnt call him back last night when he called me and i totally regret not calling him back. Because tonight he seemed tired and annoyed and grouchy.. and well i dont get to hang out with him and he just sounded bugged and he even made a joke about me bugging him. An dont know boys are weird and i guess.. if he calls me then he calls me at least i called him tonight. He asked what i was doing tonight and i told him camping.. but i didnt get to do that i had to let down a really good friend Lenka.. she is the nicest sweetest person in the whole world and i love her to death and i couldnt go camping with her tonight because my mom was making a big deal about it.
DAmnit it really pissed me off.
BUt so now that i am not doing that i dont know what i am going to do i want to just eat a whole bunch of fudge and sit and sulk in my depression... but maybe instead i can go hang out with RYan.. or i could maybe call Danny back and see if he is up for doing anything tonight. He said that he called in to work today, cause i guess hes sick or something... so maybe he doesnt want to.. I guess i wont know until i try but i dont want to bug him more ya know? actually i dont want to hang out with him i really dont want to hang out with anyone besides stephanie and maybe david and ryan and god i dont know..
I have been contemplating wether or not i could be a lesbian.
The reasons why i think this is because i can totally trust girls.. and i dont know why just because they are so nice and easy to get along with most of the time.. i can always try to please them and they will be happy but with a guys its weird because they try to please you.. and i amm not use to that..
I use to always having to try and please the other person
and its weid cause when i think of a guy i think of them trying to please the girls.. blah blah..
I guess that is what i expect from them. Kinda retarted.
I dont know why i think that wuold make me a lesbian maybe also cause i think boobs and females are gorgeous and i dont know i think of doing anything sexual with them and i want to pretty much gag myslef.. though.. so ya .. i dont think thats right
all this is kinda funny and weird but its been bothering me..
someone that is always talented and bright and cheerful and i dont know someone people want to be around expecially boys, and i wish once that for goodness sakes that i can get a good things and it can just be good it doesnt have to be anything at all except good. Like i dont have to pretend and i dont have to worry about pretending cause even if i pretend its okay. I dont want to be sympathized or pittied or looked at as "poor Sasha" Even though sometimes its nice.. but really only from my mom.
But like i just want ot be accepted and loved for somethign other than.. me. That doesnt make sense..
BUt..
I put up a front to people it seems( and that front is the real me)
but later on in the relationship with the other person..i start to feel badly and my front (or the realy me starts to fade.. and i dont feel like me any more.. i feel not good enough.. and i just dont try or i try to hard or i forget how to try..
I dont know i talked to danny tonight on the phone i called him.. and i didnt call him back last night when he called me and i totally regret not calling him back. Because tonight he seemed tired and annoyed and grouchy.. and well i dont get to hang out with him and he just sounded bugged and he even made a joke about me bugging him. An dont know boys are weird and i guess.. if he calls me then he calls me at least i called him tonight. He asked what i was doing tonight and i told him camping.. but i didnt get to do that i had to let down a really good friend Lenka.. she is the nicest sweetest person in the whole world and i love her to death and i couldnt go camping with her tonight because my mom was making a big deal about it.
DAmnit it really pissed me off.
BUt so now that i am not doing that i dont know what i am going to do i want to just eat a whole bunch of fudge and sit and sulk in my depression... but maybe instead i can go hang out with RYan.. or i could maybe call Danny back and see if he is up for doing anything tonight. He said that he called in to work today, cause i guess hes sick or something... so maybe he doesnt want to.. I guess i wont know until i try but i dont want to bug him more ya know? actually i dont want to hang out with him i really dont want to hang out with anyone besides stephanie and maybe david and ryan and god i dont know..
I have been contemplating wether or not i could be a lesbian.
The reasons why i think this is because i can totally trust girls.. and i dont know why just because they are so nice and easy to get along with most of the time.. i can always try to please them and they will be happy but with a guys its weird because they try to please you.. and i amm not use to that..
I use to always having to try and please the other person
and its weid cause when i think of a guy i think of them trying to please the girls.. blah blah..
I guess that is what i expect from them. Kinda retarted.
I dont know why i think that wuold make me a lesbian maybe also cause i think boobs and females are gorgeous and i dont know i think of doing anything sexual with them and i want to pretty much gag myslef.. though.. so ya .. i dont think thats right
all this is kinda funny and weird but its been bothering me..