(no subject)
Somehow 12lbs of orange fur draped across my arm makes it all better.
I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough two days. I'm not sure why. I've been trying very hard to keep positive and not let myself go there, but I slipped yesterday and it seems like once I did it was all downhill, until today when I decided just to get it out of my system and wound up crying in the shower.
The prevailing thing has been, why wasn't my love good enough? Why? I gave so much of my heart to that guy and for what? Where's the loyalty? Where's the love? Why didn't he want to make an effort to see me, why wasn't he excited to be with me. And why after all the crap does he have the nerve to tell Jasmine he doesn't think I know he cares. Of course not! What of any of this bullshit says "I love you"?!
And why am I so fucking stupid that I can't just drop it and run. Why? I'm a smart girl, I know I don't deserve this. And yet my moronic ass believes that the guy I met is still in there. But I don't know why he stopped loving me like that. I just don't understand.
I was single for 5 years, and that is not to say that I minded being single, and that it wasn't by my own choosing. But I've been playing the game and dealing with shit for 10 fucking years. I am tired. I wanted this to be it. I wanted something different, something more, something that was actually going to make it. I didn't want to end up back at square one having to do it all again. And I hate admitting that. I didn't want to get married tomorrow, I just wanted to settle down and start working on that happily ever after.
I planned a pretty picnic but I couldn't predict the weather.
I just want God to put a big neon green arrow pointing down to the one. I don't care how long it takes me to get with the one, I just want to know he exists. I want to know that someone out there will love me enough to actually want to be with me and spend his life with me, because right now, and yes I'm in a funk and being emotional, but right now I just don't feel like that guy exists. And i know I can deal with being single the rest of my life, hell maybe I'm just meant to be single.
I must be a really shitty girlfriend.
Anyway, back to the furball... I was laying on the futon and she came over, flopped across my arm, then hugged it with her paws and began washing and nuzzling my hand, before finally snuggling into it and dozing off. She very rarely licks me and seems to only do so when I'm upset. Cats are so funny that way, it's like they know. When I was a kid, my cat Buddy used to be super affectionate when I was upset or meow at me when I cried (he wasn't a talker like Stella). I really do love kitties, there is nothing more consoling than a cat's purr.
Ah well, I just gotta remember that this too shall pass, yada yada... it's not like I've lost anything really, I have all the important things. I know I don't need a boyfriend to be happy... I just can't wait to get rid of this weird feeling like I've lost part of myself. Off to Home Depot now to get paint, I seem to be obsessed with this now but so long as I'm focusing on this redecorating rampage I'm not focusing on other things.
I'm not going to lie, it's been a tough two days. I'm not sure why. I've been trying very hard to keep positive and not let myself go there, but I slipped yesterday and it seems like once I did it was all downhill, until today when I decided just to get it out of my system and wound up crying in the shower.
The prevailing thing has been, why wasn't my love good enough? Why? I gave so much of my heart to that guy and for what? Where's the loyalty? Where's the love? Why didn't he want to make an effort to see me, why wasn't he excited to be with me. And why after all the crap does he have the nerve to tell Jasmine he doesn't think I know he cares. Of course not! What of any of this bullshit says "I love you"?!
And why am I so fucking stupid that I can't just drop it and run. Why? I'm a smart girl, I know I don't deserve this. And yet my moronic ass believes that the guy I met is still in there. But I don't know why he stopped loving me like that. I just don't understand.
I was single for 5 years, and that is not to say that I minded being single, and that it wasn't by my own choosing. But I've been playing the game and dealing with shit for 10 fucking years. I am tired. I wanted this to be it. I wanted something different, something more, something that was actually going to make it. I didn't want to end up back at square one having to do it all again. And I hate admitting that. I didn't want to get married tomorrow, I just wanted to settle down and start working on that happily ever after.
I planned a pretty picnic but I couldn't predict the weather.
I just want God to put a big neon green arrow pointing down to the one. I don't care how long it takes me to get with the one, I just want to know he exists. I want to know that someone out there will love me enough to actually want to be with me and spend his life with me, because right now, and yes I'm in a funk and being emotional, but right now I just don't feel like that guy exists. And i know I can deal with being single the rest of my life, hell maybe I'm just meant to be single.
I must be a really shitty girlfriend.
Anyway, back to the furball... I was laying on the futon and she came over, flopped across my arm, then hugged it with her paws and began washing and nuzzling my hand, before finally snuggling into it and dozing off. She very rarely licks me and seems to only do so when I'm upset. Cats are so funny that way, it's like they know. When I was a kid, my cat Buddy used to be super affectionate when I was upset or meow at me when I cried (he wasn't a talker like Stella). I really do love kitties, there is nothing more consoling than a cat's purr.
Ah well, I just gotta remember that this too shall pass, yada yada... it's not like I've lost anything really, I have all the important things. I know I don't need a boyfriend to be happy... I just can't wait to get rid of this weird feeling like I've lost part of myself. Off to Home Depot now to get paint, I seem to be obsessed with this now but so long as I'm focusing on this redecorating rampage I'm not focusing on other things.