You are so unforgetable; my child, so unregrettable.
[ PRIVATE ]
It's such a nice day out, today.
I spent some time with Dodo and Sam, just the three of us. It felt like old times. It was a little less innocent, maybe a little scarier, but that just made it warmer. I haven't shared so much with people in a long time. Most of what I talked with Annette about in the past two years or so has been about Caroline. It's not that we didn't have time to talk about other things; it's just that the time we managed to sneak together was all about Caroline. I'm all right with that, though; it should be all about her.
Annette sent me another picture today. She's walking all on her own now. I'm so proud of her. Her smile just lights up my day, even if I can't see it first hand. Annette says that she has been showing her pictures of me and telling her I'm her daddy. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's not that I don't want to be her dad. I would marry Annette and be Caroline's father for the rest of my life if I could. But at this juncture, it just doesn't seem like something I can consider realistic. Do I want her to just have a picture of her dad? Just that, nothing more? I guess it's better than my disappearing without even that. Annette says she won't let it come to that; that she'll make sure I get to spend time with Caroline when she can get out from under her parents' thumbs.
I don't know how she plans on doing that. She's a single mom who, at the moment, has no job. How's she going to get a job when she's got to take care of the baby? And if she does get a job, and her parents watch Caroline, how is she going to get out from under their thumb? It's just this vicious circle of need and desolate pragmatism that throws me down; way down. I loathe John for not supporting me in this. I made a mistake, but my mistake is beautiful and unregrettable. Annette and I may not have been a traditional couple; neither of us may want a life just for us, together, we may not be monogamous; but we love that little girl more than the Earth loves the Sun.
Sam and Dodo get it; they understand. I get the sensation it makes Sam a little uncomfortable; a little unsure or thoughtful. I don't know why, but I am not going to pry. If she wants to tell me, if she can tell me, she will, in time. She and I were the closest you can be with a person, once upon a time, and I want that back. I want her to be my other sister. I want us three to be tightly knit again, and forever. I need it, because if not all I have is my failure as a father and rebellion as a son, and those are not things I want to be defined by.
I want Tanne to meet Sam and Dodo, too. I think they will like her and vice-versa. I think, maybe, she has gotten over my innocent, but unfortunate, transgression. She plays a mean game of Killer Instinct, too. Kicked my ass like you wouldn't believe. I think she could be a close friend. Not like Sam and Dodo; they are my sisters, part of my soul. But she could come as close to that as you can get without being it. I think. I'll have to let time tell that tale; I can't rush things. It's not healthy. Even if it does produce unregrettable mistakes.
I have a Keats paper to write for class, and all my Keats is back on the farm. I'll have to go to the library and find the stuff I need.
It's such a gorgeous day out.
It's such a nice day out, today.
I spent some time with Dodo and Sam, just the three of us. It felt like old times. It was a little less innocent, maybe a little scarier, but that just made it warmer. I haven't shared so much with people in a long time. Most of what I talked with Annette about in the past two years or so has been about Caroline. It's not that we didn't have time to talk about other things; it's just that the time we managed to sneak together was all about Caroline. I'm all right with that, though; it should be all about her.
Annette sent me another picture today. She's walking all on her own now. I'm so proud of her. Her smile just lights up my day, even if I can't see it first hand. Annette says that she has been showing her pictures of me and telling her I'm her daddy. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It's not that I don't want to be her dad. I would marry Annette and be Caroline's father for the rest of my life if I could. But at this juncture, it just doesn't seem like something I can consider realistic. Do I want her to just have a picture of her dad? Just that, nothing more? I guess it's better than my disappearing without even that. Annette says she won't let it come to that; that she'll make sure I get to spend time with Caroline when she can get out from under her parents' thumbs.
I don't know how she plans on doing that. She's a single mom who, at the moment, has no job. How's she going to get a job when she's got to take care of the baby? And if she does get a job, and her parents watch Caroline, how is she going to get out from under their thumb? It's just this vicious circle of need and desolate pragmatism that throws me down; way down. I loathe John for not supporting me in this. I made a mistake, but my mistake is beautiful and unregrettable. Annette and I may not have been a traditional couple; neither of us may want a life just for us, together, we may not be monogamous; but we love that little girl more than the Earth loves the Sun.
Sam and Dodo get it; they understand. I get the sensation it makes Sam a little uncomfortable; a little unsure or thoughtful. I don't know why, but I am not going to pry. If she wants to tell me, if she can tell me, she will, in time. She and I were the closest you can be with a person, once upon a time, and I want that back. I want her to be my other sister. I want us three to be tightly knit again, and forever. I need it, because if not all I have is my failure as a father and rebellion as a son, and those are not things I want to be defined by.
I want Tanne to meet Sam and Dodo, too. I think they will like her and vice-versa. I think, maybe, she has gotten over my innocent, but unfortunate, transgression. She plays a mean game of Killer Instinct, too. Kicked my ass like you wouldn't believe. I think she could be a close friend. Not like Sam and Dodo; they are my sisters, part of my soul. But she could come as close to that as you can get without being it. I think. I'll have to let time tell that tale; I can't rush things. It's not healthy. Even if it does produce unregrettable mistakes.
I have a Keats paper to write for class, and all my Keats is back on the farm. I'll have to go to the library and find the stuff I need.
It's such a gorgeous day out.