(no subject)
Ok...
I was thinking about life and how I dislike it... but I had to stop myself.
I'm trying to be a more postive person... haha... I know.
It's tough, but I think I might get the hang of it.
I have to make a list of things that I take for granted, but that actually make a great difference in my mood. And just things that I really enjoy.
My brother called tonight. Neither my mom or I knew until I noticed there was a message on my voice mail. Apparently he called when my mom was talking to my sis, and she didn't recognize the name or number, so she ignored it.
He left a message saying, "Hey Sara, it's your fucking brother. Tell mom I need to talk to her. I heard that you didn't make it in the Navy or Air Force... That sucks. Tell Brandee I love her and whatever. And tell mom I really need to talk to her."
That was it. So, I called the number and let my mom talk to him. That really didn't work out all that well. They got into an argument in less than 2 minutes, and he hung up on her. Against her wishes I called him back and talked some sense into him. I told him that he can't do that kind of crap to her anymore because of her high blood pressure and all the stress she is already under. Then, when he started to freak out on me, I told him that I didn't want to hear his crap and that I wouldn't let him upset me. He, then, calmed down and we had a very enjoyable conversation. He wanted to know what happened with the military, and how life was going now. I told him everything, and he told me that he is trying to clean his act back up. I don't know how much I really want to believe, because he has done this to our family since he was 16. That was even before I was born... so during my entire life I have always dealt with my drug addict brother... my brother in prison... my brother who was going to take me fishing... but never showed up.
I know his act. And I am not going to fall for it again. If he is really going to get help and stay clean this time, I will support him all the way through it. But I need to see effort. I can't do this anymore. I can't let the men in my life walk all over me.
I just wrote my dad a letter and I'm sending it out tomorrow. I explained in it that I am sick of him calling me only after he gets a letter from me. Every letter tells him that this is the last time, and this, in fact, is the last time. I'm done. I can't have a dad who pops in and out ever 6 months. I want a dad who calls regularly. I want a father who sends birthday and christmas cards/wishes. I want someone who will attempt to see me... Either come here for a while or have me come down there and visit.
I just want a FATHER... not a sperm donor. Because that is what he has turned out to be. He has never been a father to me. He's been a source of money (when I was younger)... my trainer... and the guy who took me to mexico and dropped me off until we went home... He was never one to spend time with me outside of buying my love and teaching me how to be more like him.
Thats it... and I'm sick of it.
I want him to be closer to me. I want to be able to tell him about Sean. How much I love him and that someday he will meet Sean. That Sean and I have talked about marriage and children... that I've found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I want to cry to him about how I failed in the military.
I want to express my joy about my project with Nadia.
I want to just be able to share my life with him.
I'm wishing too much though.
He's moved on... His new wife takes up all of his time. He doesn't have any interest in his half white child.
He wants children with her. Children who will do everything he says. Children who will be more like him
I'm not what he wanted.
*sigh*
I guess I will move on though if I don't hear from him.
It will hurt, but that's life.
Anyway... I'm off. I want to get some stuff done and get some sleep.
Muahz!!!
I was thinking about life and how I dislike it... but I had to stop myself.
I'm trying to be a more postive person... haha... I know.
It's tough, but I think I might get the hang of it.
I have to make a list of things that I take for granted, but that actually make a great difference in my mood. And just things that I really enjoy.
- Kisses on the forehead
- Kisses on the hand
- Kisses from my pets.
- Sonny cuddling with me.
- A call from my mom while she's at work.
- An image comment on myspace (yea I'm lame)
- How dependent my animals are on me.
- How close I am to Sean's family.
- Good music.
- The sun (rare thing here... )
- Supporting Sean in his activities.
- Reading a good book.
- Unsuspected calls from friends.
- Stumbling across old friends on the internet...
- Hearing "I love you" a million times daily.
- Hugs that last forever.
- Smiles from strangers.
- Family... When it's not disfunctional.
- Watching T.V with my mom.
My brother called tonight. Neither my mom or I knew until I noticed there was a message on my voice mail. Apparently he called when my mom was talking to my sis, and she didn't recognize the name or number, so she ignored it.
He left a message saying, "Hey Sara, it's your fucking brother. Tell mom I need to talk to her. I heard that you didn't make it in the Navy or Air Force... That sucks. Tell Brandee I love her and whatever. And tell mom I really need to talk to her."
That was it. So, I called the number and let my mom talk to him. That really didn't work out all that well. They got into an argument in less than 2 minutes, and he hung up on her. Against her wishes I called him back and talked some sense into him. I told him that he can't do that kind of crap to her anymore because of her high blood pressure and all the stress she is already under. Then, when he started to freak out on me, I told him that I didn't want to hear his crap and that I wouldn't let him upset me. He, then, calmed down and we had a very enjoyable conversation. He wanted to know what happened with the military, and how life was going now. I told him everything, and he told me that he is trying to clean his act back up. I don't know how much I really want to believe, because he has done this to our family since he was 16. That was even before I was born... so during my entire life I have always dealt with my drug addict brother... my brother in prison... my brother who was going to take me fishing... but never showed up.
I know his act. And I am not going to fall for it again. If he is really going to get help and stay clean this time, I will support him all the way through it. But I need to see effort. I can't do this anymore. I can't let the men in my life walk all over me.
I just wrote my dad a letter and I'm sending it out tomorrow. I explained in it that I am sick of him calling me only after he gets a letter from me. Every letter tells him that this is the last time, and this, in fact, is the last time. I'm done. I can't have a dad who pops in and out ever 6 months. I want a dad who calls regularly. I want a father who sends birthday and christmas cards/wishes. I want someone who will attempt to see me... Either come here for a while or have me come down there and visit.
I just want a FATHER... not a sperm donor. Because that is what he has turned out to be. He has never been a father to me. He's been a source of money (when I was younger)... my trainer... and the guy who took me to mexico and dropped me off until we went home... He was never one to spend time with me outside of buying my love and teaching me how to be more like him.
Thats it... and I'm sick of it.
I want him to be closer to me. I want to be able to tell him about Sean. How much I love him and that someday he will meet Sean. That Sean and I have talked about marriage and children... that I've found the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I want to cry to him about how I failed in the military.
I want to express my joy about my project with Nadia.
I want to just be able to share my life with him.
I'm wishing too much though.
He's moved on... His new wife takes up all of his time. He doesn't have any interest in his half white child.
He wants children with her. Children who will do everything he says. Children who will be more like him
I'm not what he wanted.
*sigh*
I guess I will move on though if I don't hear from him.
It will hurt, but that's life.
Anyway... I'm off. I want to get some stuff done and get some sleep.
Muahz!!!