In the End, She's still my Mom.
Authors Name: jessica_hobe
Written for: Siehn
Pairing/characters: James Kirk, Winona Kirk, slight Spock and Sam Kirk
Rating: G
Prompt: Jim loved his mother. Winona is either missing or killed in action.
Warnings: None really. Un-betaed - long story. I apologize for any mistakes and take all blame.
Disclaimer: No Star Trek doesn't belong to me.
Authors Notes: So I am sorry for posting this so late. Work has been dragging me in more than usual and has been getting in my way. Alas it is not as good as I wish but I had trouble with this prompt. I hope you like it Siehn- funny how I'm filling your prompt amusing that. Well enjoy!
“I have some bad news, son.” James T. Kirk felt the bottom of his stomach drop out. Two years into their five year mission and he was sure there would never be a phrase he would hate more. Nothing good ever followed after those words. And there was never any telling what could happen. Once, after hearing that phrase, a large part of his command team had been changed into their most base composites and yet another time having his first officer mistaken for a demon and fending off attacks from what were essentially large circles. Kirk ran a hand through his hair not sure that he wanted to hear this but knowing that he had to. There was also the fact that Pike looked grimmer than usual at these times. Like the three Klingon war birds that had ambushed them last time wasn’t bad enough.
“Give it to me.” There was a long silence where Pike just stared at him - maybe assessing how well he would ‘take it.’ He sighed.
“The Melios sent out a distress signal twenty three hours ago.” Kirk frowned. The Melios was a research vessel that- His eyes widened and his first instinct was to reject the realization out of hand. The captain in him had him facing facts. Winona Kirk - his mother - was working aboard the Melios.
He stared at the view screen. “How long?”
“A rescue team has been deployed but their ETA is not for another thirteen hours.” Kirk nodded processing the information; light-years away, Pike sighed. “Look Jim, she’s a strong woman. If anyone can make it she can.” Kirk nodded. The words meant nothing. Two years in space had taught him very quickly that Bones had been right. Space was a death wrapped in darkness and silence. The slightest misstep could mean a captain’s life and the lives of his crew. A distress signal out here was never a good thing no matter how strong you are; space was simply stronger.
“It there anything the Enterprise can do?” He knew the answer before Pike shook his head.
“Sorry son, you’re too far away to do any real good. I’ve got the Enterprise on light duty for the time being - the mission specs are being sent to you now.” He paused. “She’ll be alright Jim. I know you guys have your differences but she’ll be alright.”
Jim laughed. The sound was hollow even to his ears and he saw Pike flinch. “Yeah, sure.” The admiral was silent for a long time before shaking his head.
“Take some down time Jim. I’ll get back to you as soon as I know something.” Kirk nodded and the connection was cut.
For a moment all he could do was stare at the black screen. Winona had been a constant presence in his life. That presence wasn’t always physical but at those times she was there in every other sense. It was only the numbness that had settled over him that made it possible for him to comm Uhura and tell her to send Spock and Bones to his quarters. After all this time he didn’t know what he would do if Winona- He shook the though aside. There was nothing conclusive at the moment. He wouldn’t think of that.
The door chimed. “Enter.” He called as he stood from the desk. He turned around to find both Spock and Bones standing in his quarters. Spock stood in his usual pose, back stiff and hands behind him. The scowl on Bones face melted off when he got a good look at him; there was a shadow of a frown appearing on Spock’s face. Kirk sighed. He thought he had hid his shock well enough but then he was a fool to think that he could hide anything from these two.
“What the hell happened?” Good old Bones straight to the point.
“Twenty three hours ago the Melios sent out a distress signal. It will be another thirteen hours before another ship will be able to get to their position and lend any aid.” There was a stricken look on Bones face that made him turn away.
“Fuck.” There was a moment of silence.
“I fail to understand the relevancy that this situation has to the Enterprise.” Kirk looked at his First officer fully intending to explain before Bones beat him to is.
“Winona Kirk is posted on the Melios.” Kirk saw the moment that Spock realized the implications and he nodded. Bones swore. “Damnit Jim. I’m sorry.”
“That’s why I called you both here. Bones I need you to place me on twenty four hour medical leave.” Thankfully Bones didn’t ask why he just nodded. Kirk looked over at Spock. “I’m leaving the ship to you Spock. Take care of her for me.” The Vulcan looked like he wanted to protest but didn’t say anything. “Pike has us on milk runs for the time being so everything should be smooth sailing for now.” He ran a hand through his already disarrayed hair. “For the moment I just need to think.” Spock nodded as Bone stepped forward placing his hand on his shoulder.
“You call me if you need anything, you hear?” Kirk nodded smiling at his best friend.
“I’ll hold you too that.” Bones rolled his eyes before letting go and leaving the room.
With a sigh, Kirk turned away from his first officer and walked further into his quarters. He fell easily onto his bed, suddenly more tired than he had been in a long time. If he had something definite maybe it would be easier but the state of limbo that he had been forced into was grating on his nerves. It hadn’t been a full hour since the call had ended. There were twelve more before he would know anything. He rolled over when a weight on the side of the bed had it sinking and turned to Spock. His First Officer was staring down at him, the compassion in his eyes making something inside him loosen. Suddenly the numbness was gone and he clung to his rapidly disappearing composure. He couldn’t have stopped the tears from falling even if he wanted to.
Spock’s hand reached out and touched the side of his face. “Jim.” With both hands Kirk took it and held it close to him as the tears came. Spock sat there, his free hand rubbing itself through Kirks hair in a comforting manner. His grief and Spock’s presence were the last things he knew before he fell into a fitful sleep.
*****
He must have been two or three then, he was standing just outside the door to a room looking in. Inside the room his mommy was crying. Jim had never seen her cry before; he hadn’t even know she could cry. Sammy was in the room with her, a hand around her hand and he patted her on the back. Jim just stood and watched them at the desk not sure if he should go and help too. He always liked it when his mommy held him when he was crying, maybe she would like it if he hugged her. He was about to go and hug his mommy when there was a sound behind him and Jim turned. Grandma and Grandpa were there coming in through the front door. He smiled and ran to them.
“Hi Grandma.” They both finally saw him and smiled. Grandpa bent down to look at him.
“Hey Jimmy. How are you doing?” Jim shook his head.
“I’m fine.” He pointed behind him. “Mommy won’t stop cryin. Sammy is with her.” Grandpa stopped smiling then and looked where Jim had pointed.
Grandma came then and Jim hugged her when she let go of him she gave his head a pat and smiled down at him. “Don’t worry Jim, we’ll take care of your mommy.” He nodded. Grandma and Grandpa would know what to do. “Wait right here, okay?” He nodded again and watched them go into mommy’s office. It was a long time and Jim was just thinking about going to get one of his toys when Grandpa and Sammy came out.
“You kids go play now okay. We’ll take care of your mommy.” Jim waited for his brother to say okay before echoing him. Sammy always knew what to do so Jim would follow him. “Oh, Jimmy.” Jim, who was just about to go play, like he’d been told, turned back to his Grandpa. The man was smiling at him and got down on one knee. He pulled the hand that Jim hadn’t noticed from behind his back and offered Jim the box he held. After a second of hesitation Jim took it.
“For me?” Grandpa nodded.
“Yep.” Jim began tearing at the paper. Inside was the hover shuttle that he had wanted for forever. With a squeal he hugged his grandpa not letting go of the box.
“Thank you!” He looked up at the old man whose smile had gotten bigger. He ruffled Jim’s hair.
“You’re welcome son and don’t worry, your grandma and I’ll make sure that you have a happy birthday, okay?”
****
Jim jumped at the slam of Sam’s fist hitting the center table. “What if I don’t want a new father?” Across from the two of them, Jim saw his mom flinch. He hated it when Sam yelled. Sooner or later their mom would yell back at him. Jim hated it when his family. His mom sighed but when she opened her mouth she didn’t start yell. Jim was surprised, any other time mom would have gone off by now.
“Look Sam. I can’t take care of this whole farm by myself. What do you want from me?” Sam gestured to himself and Jim who had to shift or get hit by his brothers out flung hand.
“Then what are me and Jimmy? Chopped liver? We can help you around the farm.” Their mom shook her head.
“Don’t be silly Sam. Jimmy is eight. You two couldn’t possible understand how a farm works much less help with one.” Her eyes flickered to him for a moment before focusing back onto Sam again. “Besides, there’s more out there for both of you then wheat and corn.” Sam laughed but it wasn’t the kind of sound he made when they were playing. Jim decided that he didn’t like this new laugh a decision that was quickly followed by equally strong conclusion that he didn’t like the fighting either.
Sam sprung to his feet. “The corn was enough for Dad, he loved this place, and he knew that it belonged to the Kirks!” His mother stood up and Jim winced. He hated that look on his mom’s face - she was really angry now.
“Don’t you dare bring him into this!”
“Isn’t that what this is about?” Sam pointed at her his voice suddenly louder. “You want to replace him! You can never replace him, no matter what.”
“Damn it Sam. I would never try to replace your father.” Her voice was screechy. It hurt Jim’s ears. “I could never replace George.”
“Damn right.” Having had enough Jim reached for Sam’s sleeve. He didn’t speak until Sam glanced down at him.
“Stop yelling at Mommy, Sammy.” Sam shook his hand off.
“You don’t understand Jimmy. You don’t remember Dad.” Jim looked down. It was true he didn’t but he knew daddy wouldn’t have wanted mommy and Sam to fight. The rest of the argument passed over his head with Jim not paying any attention to it. He tried to remember a time when his brother and mother weren’t arguing. It took him a while to realise that he couldn’t remember a time when his mom and Sam weren’t fighting.
“Screw this.” Jim looked up in time to watch Sam disappear up the stairs. The living room was silent except for the sound of his mother breathing. She sighed and he looked over at her. Mom sat down on the couch in one motion and, after a moment’s hesitation, he got up and went to her. Her arm came around him the moment he sat down beside her and he leaned into her.
“Jimmy. I know this is a big step but this will be for the best, I promise.” She kissed the top of his head and for once he didn’t try to push her off. He didn’t feel like it.
“Okay Mommy. If you want me to I’ll have a new daddy.” Both her hands came around him and she hugged him tight. There was wetness on the top of his head.
“Things will be better Jimmy. Things will be better.”
*****
Things in the house were tense. Winona had been back for almost two weeks but the air was as thick as molasses. Jim couldn’t bring himself too much about it. His mother still hadn’t said anything about the car. Jim had been sure that she would have given him shit about destroying it - it had been one of the few things that she had left of her first husband. The only time they had spoken was in the very beginning when she had first returned from whatever mission she had been on for those two years. She had asked about his wellbeing but he had been so enraged by the sight of her. She had left them with that monster. She had promised him that everything would be alright. Nothing after she left them with that man had been ‘alright.’ She had asked him where Sam was. He had told her that Sam was gone. Sam had run away when he couldn’t take anymore of Frank. Sam had left him alone with Frank.
There was a knock on his door. “Jimmy. Jimmy, I know you’re in there.” On his bed Jim sighed. He didn’t want to deal with his mother. He didn’t think he ever wanted to deal with her again. The door opened but he kept his eyes on the ceiling she would say what she would and then would leave. He heard her move into the room, the floor boards of the old house creaking with her steps. This place was a house; it couldn’t be a home anymore - not after Frank. One side of the bed shifted under her weight but he did not turn to look at her. A heavy silence filled the room.
“I’m sorry Jimmy.” He still didn’t move and she took his hand. “I didn’t know Frank was like that; didn’t know he would do the things that he did.” There was a laugh but the sound was anything but happy. “Some mother that makes me: all the times that I visited and I didn’t even notice” Her voice was clear and Jim couldn’t help listening. He didn’t want to listen. Jim loved his mother and if he listened to her long enough he would eventually forgive her. He didn’t want to forgive her.
“I guess… I guess I just wanted everything to be perfect. But your father - your real father, George - was gone and it could never be perfect. Oh Jimmy I wanted to be with you and with him at the same time. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Frank wasn’t supposed to be an asshole, Sam wasn’t supposed to be gone, and you weren’t supposed to be hurt. I-I wanted all of us to be happy.” The back of the hand that she was holding was pressed against something wet and that finally made him look over at her.
Winona Kirk had her eyes closed with the back of his hand pressed against her tear streaked cheek. Her blond hair was a mess and there were dark bags under her eyes. She looked terrible and Jim felt a tinge of sadness. But even as he felt it he also felt the anger he had been carrying with him from the first day that Frank had hit him. Maybe now the bastard was gone and his mother had finally come back but that didn’t mean that things could ever go back to how they were.
He sighed and lifted himself up into a sitting position. “Look, mom-” She cut him off with a shake of her head.
I know Jimmy and I’m so sorry. I know we can’t be a happy family now. I still have to find Sam. But we can try.” He opened his mouth but she beat him to ut again.
“I know that you’re not ready yet and … and I understand.” She gave him a watery smile. “If you can’t forgive me yet I get it so I have a proposition for you.” Jim waited. “There’s this new colony - Tarsus IV - they’ve got schools and farms and are accepting colonists to come and live there. Your aunt and uncle are living there and, if you want, you could go and visit them. It could be like camp and you could just get away and forget it all.”
Jim stared at her for a long moment. He didn’t think he would ever forget Frank and what he had done to himself and Sam. Nor would he forget how this woman had abandoned them, more willing to take Franks word over theirs when they had reported him. No, he was sure he would never forget but if this colony could take him away from this place and, for the moment this woman.
He nodded. “Sure Mom; sounds great.”
******
Kirk blinked. It took him a while to take in his surroundings/ The lights in his quarters were at seventy percent and blinded him for a moment before his eyes adjusted. He glanced around feeling somewhat disoriented. Most people raged or cried when grieving he tended to just relive things. It was annoying because of all the time it wasted but at least afterwards he could think clearly. Kirk rolled over in his bed and just then noticed Spock sitting at his desk watching him.
His First Officer must have been there for a while. The PADD Kirk was sure that he head just been reading was sitting on the desk, screen shining softly. As soon as Spock noticed his gaze, the half-vulcan stood and walked towards the replicator. A moment later he was sitting on a side of the bed a sandwich and a glass of water in his hands. Understanding the silent message, Kirk sat up enough to take the glass of water.
“How long?” Spock took back the almost empty glass and offered the sandwich. Kirk picked it up and took a bite. It tasted like ash.
“Six point seven two hours, Captian.” Kirk nodded before finishing off the rest of his sandwich under Spocks watchful gaze.
“Wake me in six hours if I don’t wake up myself.” Spock nodded and Kirk laid down on his side. “Or if we get another communication from Pike.”
“Understood.” For a long moment he just lay there taking comfort in the solid presence behind him.
“Spock. It hurts.” There was a moment of silence at his words. Spock’s hand was then at his face, fingertips sliding into their usual spots.
“Sleep Jim.” And he did.
******
Jim stared at the picture on the small living room table. It was his father, George Kirk, standing in his cadet red, with Starfleet Academy shining behind him. He was smiling with his hands on his hips. It was really amazing how alike they looked. When he was a kid he hadn’t understood what that had meant, but as he grew up he’d learned what the resemblance meant to his mother. Finally he understood why at times his mother’s eyes had filled up when she looked at him, why she didn’t say too much when he came home with a busted up face as evidence of a fight. He shook his head and adjusted the shoulder strap of his duffle bag. Well now he was going to be out of her hair for good.
“Jim?” He turned away from the front door. Winona was standing in the entryway between the living room and the kitchen. She was in her pyjamas and Jim cursed himself for waking her up. This would just make everything much harder. He saw he eyes flicker from his face to his duffle bag and back again. “Jim? Where are you going?”
He looked away forcing his hands not to tighten on the strap of the bag. “Out.”
“But I just got here. We were supposed to spend some time together.” He couldn’t help snorting.
“If you need to know, the Academy semester begins soon. I need to get going or I’ll miss the transport.” He didn’t look at her.
“Academy? You mean Starfleet Academy?” He felt the bitterness rise in his throat. He didn’t want to look at her then. He knew that if he did he would see that the pride that didn’t belong to him. “Jim that’s great. Do you know what track you want to be on? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I have to get going.” In the corner of his eye he saw her nod and knew that she had to be smiling.
“Of course; comm me when your settled okay.” He didn’t bother to respond as he walked out.
*******
With a sigh Jim collapsed into his desk chair. When he had gone after Nero he had just been doing what he had to, what was right. He didn’t expect all this fanfare when he had returned. The last thing that he had expected was to be given Starfleet’s flag ship and be sent out on an exploratory voyage. Especially after the talking to he had received from the higher ups he had to wonder how much of their generosity was their own decision and how much of it came from public opinion. Well whatever the reason he was now a full-fledged captain sort of. Again, he sighed.
Five years was a long time.
He ran a hand through his hair just as his comm unit began to beep. The Enterprise had just left earth and his comm address wasn’t publicized. Frowning he wondered if the admirals wanted to chew him out some more. He sat up and straightened his gold shirt and, taking a deep breath. He reached out to connect the call.
“Hey there Jimmy.” He blinked owlishly.
“M-Mom.” She was the last thing he was expecting. “How- how’d?” She waved a hand.”
“Christopher Pike is an old family friend.” She pointed at an accusing finger at the screen. “You don’t think that my boy will save the world and I’ll have nothing to say about it.” He couldn’t help himself; he smiled at her words.
“I wouldn’t dare.” Light years away she smiled.
“I’m proud of you Jimmy.” The light hearted atmosphere faded as he realized who he was talking to. He looked away from the screen. This was the woman who looked at him and saw his father. He could never tell who she was talking to when she spoke like that. She noticed his change of expression. “Don’t be like that, Jim.” He glanced back at the screen and she nodded a soft smile on her face. He couldn’t recall ever seeing such a look on her face before. “Your father would be so proud of you.”
That was all it took. It felt like something inside of him snapped and he found himself gasping fighting not to let himself cry. He had never heard words like that from her. he wasn’t just a disappointing reflection of his father. He was his own unique person. It didn’t matter if the admirals thought he was a joke. Here he had the approval of his mother - and through her his father - that was all he needed. He would show them. He would show them all. He wasn’t sure if there was an afterlife, but if there was a place where his father could see him then he would make him proud.
“Oh Jimmy.” He rubbed the back of his sleeve against his eyes before looking up with a grin.
“There is a lot of emotion in the ship - with the crew experiencing the attack on Vulcan and all. It tends to get to me from time to time.” She nodded.
“So, the Enterprise. That’s some ship from what I hear.” Winona laced her fingers together.. “Tell me all about her.”
So that’s what Jim did. And for the first time in a very long time he spoke to Winona the way that it should have always been. The way it was supposed to be; a excited son to his proud mother.
******
“Jim.” Slowly Kirk began to wake taking in his surroundings. The excessive chattering’s of a brand new captain still ringing in his ears. He blinked a few times before his eyes focused. Spock was standing over him with a hand placed lightly on his shoulder. When he realised that Jim was coming to he removed his hand and straightened. Kirk couldn’t help it he grinned up at him.
“Not the prettiest face to wake up to but I’ll take it.” Spock just lifted a brow in response and Jim chuckled as he sat up. Spock waited till he had both feet over the side of the bed before speaking again.
“Captain, Admiral Pike has returned communication.” The humour drained out of Kirk. With a nod he stood up. Since he had not bothered to take off his shirt before his ‘little nap’ the gold material was crumpled. If it were any other admiral he would have been more concerned. Because this was Pike and because there were more important things to deal with, Kirk quickly sat down at his desk. He connected the held call and waited for the feed to correct itself.
“Admiral Pike.” There was a pause before Pike smiled at him.
“They found them, Kirk. They got her.” The tension in his body drained away and put his face in his hands with his elbows on his desk. It was like he was just breathing for the first time since he first got the news. He needed a few moments before he could look back up at Pike. The old admiral had warmth in his eyes that Kirk imagined that fathers would give their son’s. He never knew what to think in this situation but he didn’t dislike it.
“Thank you admiral. “ Pike nodded.
“You know what Kirk. I’m feeling so good right now I’m going to do you a favour.” He threaded his fingers together on his desk. “You had better appreciate this considering the fact that it’s at my expense.” Before Kirk had the chance to say anything, or ask what the hell the man was talking about, Pike disappeared to be replaced by a familiar blond. Light years away Winona Kirk took in her son’s face and laughed.
“Oh, close your mouth Jimmy. It’ll take more than space to off me.” He smiled at her. It was so good to see her. Even with all of their history; it was still so good to see her.
“Figures.” He crossed his arms and leaned back. “What’d you do nag at the threats till help came.” She laughed again.
“Oh come on I was never that bad.” He raised an eyebrow She sighed. “Hey, I kept people alive. I deserve some credit, even if my methods aren’t approved by all parties.”
He felt the press of Spock’s hand on his shoulder for a moment and when it left he knew that his first was gone. It was then that he realised what it was that he had almost lost. In an instant Spock had lost his mother. She had disappeared right before his eyes in the moment that he had thought he had saved her. The same thing could have happened to him. Kirk could have lost her and he would have been helpless to have done anything about it. Seeing her now, a flurry of people behind her and her sitting at the comm station looking as right as rain he decided that there was still a lot that needed that need to be said. There was still a lot that needed to be settled and, thankfully, there was still time.
“I-I’m glad you’re alright. Mom.” Her face broke out in a grin and he saw tears come to her eyes. Kirk made a note to call her that more often.
“So am I Jimmy.” He smiled at her, at Winona Kirk, at his mother.
“So are you going to tell me about it or just leave me here in suspense?” That turned out to be the longest sentence he got to say for some time.
END
Written for: Siehn
Pairing/characters: James Kirk, Winona Kirk, slight Spock and Sam Kirk
Rating: G
Prompt: Jim loved his mother. Winona is either missing or killed in action.
Warnings: None really. Un-betaed - long story. I apologize for any mistakes and take all blame.
Disclaimer: No Star Trek doesn't belong to me.
Authors Notes: So I am sorry for posting this so late. Work has been dragging me in more than usual and has been getting in my way. Alas it is not as good as I wish but I had trouble with this prompt. I hope you like it Siehn- funny how I'm filling your prompt amusing that. Well enjoy!
“I have some bad news, son.” James T. Kirk felt the bottom of his stomach drop out. Two years into their five year mission and he was sure there would never be a phrase he would hate more. Nothing good ever followed after those words. And there was never any telling what could happen. Once, after hearing that phrase, a large part of his command team had been changed into their most base composites and yet another time having his first officer mistaken for a demon and fending off attacks from what were essentially large circles. Kirk ran a hand through his hair not sure that he wanted to hear this but knowing that he had to. There was also the fact that Pike looked grimmer than usual at these times. Like the three Klingon war birds that had ambushed them last time wasn’t bad enough.
“Give it to me.” There was a long silence where Pike just stared at him - maybe assessing how well he would ‘take it.’ He sighed.
“The Melios sent out a distress signal twenty three hours ago.” Kirk frowned. The Melios was a research vessel that- His eyes widened and his first instinct was to reject the realization out of hand. The captain in him had him facing facts. Winona Kirk - his mother - was working aboard the Melios.
He stared at the view screen. “How long?”
“A rescue team has been deployed but their ETA is not for another thirteen hours.” Kirk nodded processing the information; light-years away, Pike sighed. “Look Jim, she’s a strong woman. If anyone can make it she can.” Kirk nodded. The words meant nothing. Two years in space had taught him very quickly that Bones had been right. Space was a death wrapped in darkness and silence. The slightest misstep could mean a captain’s life and the lives of his crew. A distress signal out here was never a good thing no matter how strong you are; space was simply stronger.
“It there anything the Enterprise can do?” He knew the answer before Pike shook his head.
“Sorry son, you’re too far away to do any real good. I’ve got the Enterprise on light duty for the time being - the mission specs are being sent to you now.” He paused. “She’ll be alright Jim. I know you guys have your differences but she’ll be alright.”
Jim laughed. The sound was hollow even to his ears and he saw Pike flinch. “Yeah, sure.” The admiral was silent for a long time before shaking his head.
“Take some down time Jim. I’ll get back to you as soon as I know something.” Kirk nodded and the connection was cut.
For a moment all he could do was stare at the black screen. Winona had been a constant presence in his life. That presence wasn’t always physical but at those times she was there in every other sense. It was only the numbness that had settled over him that made it possible for him to comm Uhura and tell her to send Spock and Bones to his quarters. After all this time he didn’t know what he would do if Winona- He shook the though aside. There was nothing conclusive at the moment. He wouldn’t think of that.
The door chimed. “Enter.” He called as he stood from the desk. He turned around to find both Spock and Bones standing in his quarters. Spock stood in his usual pose, back stiff and hands behind him. The scowl on Bones face melted off when he got a good look at him; there was a shadow of a frown appearing on Spock’s face. Kirk sighed. He thought he had hid his shock well enough but then he was a fool to think that he could hide anything from these two.
“What the hell happened?” Good old Bones straight to the point.
“Twenty three hours ago the Melios sent out a distress signal. It will be another thirteen hours before another ship will be able to get to their position and lend any aid.” There was a stricken look on Bones face that made him turn away.
“Fuck.” There was a moment of silence.
“I fail to understand the relevancy that this situation has to the Enterprise.” Kirk looked at his First officer fully intending to explain before Bones beat him to is.
“Winona Kirk is posted on the Melios.” Kirk saw the moment that Spock realized the implications and he nodded. Bones swore. “Damnit Jim. I’m sorry.”
“That’s why I called you both here. Bones I need you to place me on twenty four hour medical leave.” Thankfully Bones didn’t ask why he just nodded. Kirk looked over at Spock. “I’m leaving the ship to you Spock. Take care of her for me.” The Vulcan looked like he wanted to protest but didn’t say anything. “Pike has us on milk runs for the time being so everything should be smooth sailing for now.” He ran a hand through his already disarrayed hair. “For the moment I just need to think.” Spock nodded as Bone stepped forward placing his hand on his shoulder.
“You call me if you need anything, you hear?” Kirk nodded smiling at his best friend.
“I’ll hold you too that.” Bones rolled his eyes before letting go and leaving the room.
With a sigh, Kirk turned away from his first officer and walked further into his quarters. He fell easily onto his bed, suddenly more tired than he had been in a long time. If he had something definite maybe it would be easier but the state of limbo that he had been forced into was grating on his nerves. It hadn’t been a full hour since the call had ended. There were twelve more before he would know anything. He rolled over when a weight on the side of the bed had it sinking and turned to Spock. His First Officer was staring down at him, the compassion in his eyes making something inside him loosen. Suddenly the numbness was gone and he clung to his rapidly disappearing composure. He couldn’t have stopped the tears from falling even if he wanted to.
Spock’s hand reached out and touched the side of his face. “Jim.” With both hands Kirk took it and held it close to him as the tears came. Spock sat there, his free hand rubbing itself through Kirks hair in a comforting manner. His grief and Spock’s presence were the last things he knew before he fell into a fitful sleep.
*****
He must have been two or three then, he was standing just outside the door to a room looking in. Inside the room his mommy was crying. Jim had never seen her cry before; he hadn’t even know she could cry. Sammy was in the room with her, a hand around her hand and he patted her on the back. Jim just stood and watched them at the desk not sure if he should go and help too. He always liked it when his mommy held him when he was crying, maybe she would like it if he hugged her. He was about to go and hug his mommy when there was a sound behind him and Jim turned. Grandma and Grandpa were there coming in through the front door. He smiled and ran to them.
“Hi Grandma.” They both finally saw him and smiled. Grandpa bent down to look at him.
“Hey Jimmy. How are you doing?” Jim shook his head.
“I’m fine.” He pointed behind him. “Mommy won’t stop cryin. Sammy is with her.” Grandpa stopped smiling then and looked where Jim had pointed.
Grandma came then and Jim hugged her when she let go of him she gave his head a pat and smiled down at him. “Don’t worry Jim, we’ll take care of your mommy.” He nodded. Grandma and Grandpa would know what to do. “Wait right here, okay?” He nodded again and watched them go into mommy’s office. It was a long time and Jim was just thinking about going to get one of his toys when Grandpa and Sammy came out.
“You kids go play now okay. We’ll take care of your mommy.” Jim waited for his brother to say okay before echoing him. Sammy always knew what to do so Jim would follow him. “Oh, Jimmy.” Jim, who was just about to go play, like he’d been told, turned back to his Grandpa. The man was smiling at him and got down on one knee. He pulled the hand that Jim hadn’t noticed from behind his back and offered Jim the box he held. After a second of hesitation Jim took it.
“For me?” Grandpa nodded.
“Yep.” Jim began tearing at the paper. Inside was the hover shuttle that he had wanted for forever. With a squeal he hugged his grandpa not letting go of the box.
“Thank you!” He looked up at the old man whose smile had gotten bigger. He ruffled Jim’s hair.
“You’re welcome son and don’t worry, your grandma and I’ll make sure that you have a happy birthday, okay?”
****
Jim jumped at the slam of Sam’s fist hitting the center table. “What if I don’t want a new father?” Across from the two of them, Jim saw his mom flinch. He hated it when Sam yelled. Sooner or later their mom would yell back at him. Jim hated it when his family. His mom sighed but when she opened her mouth she didn’t start yell. Jim was surprised, any other time mom would have gone off by now.
“Look Sam. I can’t take care of this whole farm by myself. What do you want from me?” Sam gestured to himself and Jim who had to shift or get hit by his brothers out flung hand.
“Then what are me and Jimmy? Chopped liver? We can help you around the farm.” Their mom shook her head.
“Don’t be silly Sam. Jimmy is eight. You two couldn’t possible understand how a farm works much less help with one.” Her eyes flickered to him for a moment before focusing back onto Sam again. “Besides, there’s more out there for both of you then wheat and corn.” Sam laughed but it wasn’t the kind of sound he made when they were playing. Jim decided that he didn’t like this new laugh a decision that was quickly followed by equally strong conclusion that he didn’t like the fighting either.
Sam sprung to his feet. “The corn was enough for Dad, he loved this place, and he knew that it belonged to the Kirks!” His mother stood up and Jim winced. He hated that look on his mom’s face - she was really angry now.
“Don’t you dare bring him into this!”
“Isn’t that what this is about?” Sam pointed at her his voice suddenly louder. “You want to replace him! You can never replace him, no matter what.”
“Damn it Sam. I would never try to replace your father.” Her voice was screechy. It hurt Jim’s ears. “I could never replace George.”
“Damn right.” Having had enough Jim reached for Sam’s sleeve. He didn’t speak until Sam glanced down at him.
“Stop yelling at Mommy, Sammy.” Sam shook his hand off.
“You don’t understand Jimmy. You don’t remember Dad.” Jim looked down. It was true he didn’t but he knew daddy wouldn’t have wanted mommy and Sam to fight. The rest of the argument passed over his head with Jim not paying any attention to it. He tried to remember a time when his brother and mother weren’t arguing. It took him a while to realise that he couldn’t remember a time when his mom and Sam weren’t fighting.
“Screw this.” Jim looked up in time to watch Sam disappear up the stairs. The living room was silent except for the sound of his mother breathing. She sighed and he looked over at her. Mom sat down on the couch in one motion and, after a moment’s hesitation, he got up and went to her. Her arm came around him the moment he sat down beside her and he leaned into her.
“Jimmy. I know this is a big step but this will be for the best, I promise.” She kissed the top of his head and for once he didn’t try to push her off. He didn’t feel like it.
“Okay Mommy. If you want me to I’ll have a new daddy.” Both her hands came around him and she hugged him tight. There was wetness on the top of his head.
“Things will be better Jimmy. Things will be better.”
*****
Things in the house were tense. Winona had been back for almost two weeks but the air was as thick as molasses. Jim couldn’t bring himself too much about it. His mother still hadn’t said anything about the car. Jim had been sure that she would have given him shit about destroying it - it had been one of the few things that she had left of her first husband. The only time they had spoken was in the very beginning when she had first returned from whatever mission she had been on for those two years. She had asked about his wellbeing but he had been so enraged by the sight of her. She had left them with that monster. She had promised him that everything would be alright. Nothing after she left them with that man had been ‘alright.’ She had asked him where Sam was. He had told her that Sam was gone. Sam had run away when he couldn’t take anymore of Frank. Sam had left him alone with Frank.
There was a knock on his door. “Jimmy. Jimmy, I know you’re in there.” On his bed Jim sighed. He didn’t want to deal with his mother. He didn’t think he ever wanted to deal with her again. The door opened but he kept his eyes on the ceiling she would say what she would and then would leave. He heard her move into the room, the floor boards of the old house creaking with her steps. This place was a house; it couldn’t be a home anymore - not after Frank. One side of the bed shifted under her weight but he did not turn to look at her. A heavy silence filled the room.
“I’m sorry Jimmy.” He still didn’t move and she took his hand. “I didn’t know Frank was like that; didn’t know he would do the things that he did.” There was a laugh but the sound was anything but happy. “Some mother that makes me: all the times that I visited and I didn’t even notice” Her voice was clear and Jim couldn’t help listening. He didn’t want to listen. Jim loved his mother and if he listened to her long enough he would eventually forgive her. He didn’t want to forgive her.
“I guess… I guess I just wanted everything to be perfect. But your father - your real father, George - was gone and it could never be perfect. Oh Jimmy I wanted to be with you and with him at the same time. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Frank wasn’t supposed to be an asshole, Sam wasn’t supposed to be gone, and you weren’t supposed to be hurt. I-I wanted all of us to be happy.” The back of the hand that she was holding was pressed against something wet and that finally made him look over at her.
Winona Kirk had her eyes closed with the back of his hand pressed against her tear streaked cheek. Her blond hair was a mess and there were dark bags under her eyes. She looked terrible and Jim felt a tinge of sadness. But even as he felt it he also felt the anger he had been carrying with him from the first day that Frank had hit him. Maybe now the bastard was gone and his mother had finally come back but that didn’t mean that things could ever go back to how they were.
He sighed and lifted himself up into a sitting position. “Look, mom-” She cut him off with a shake of her head.
I know Jimmy and I’m so sorry. I know we can’t be a happy family now. I still have to find Sam. But we can try.” He opened his mouth but she beat him to ut again.
“I know that you’re not ready yet and … and I understand.” She gave him a watery smile. “If you can’t forgive me yet I get it so I have a proposition for you.” Jim waited. “There’s this new colony - Tarsus IV - they’ve got schools and farms and are accepting colonists to come and live there. Your aunt and uncle are living there and, if you want, you could go and visit them. It could be like camp and you could just get away and forget it all.”
Jim stared at her for a long moment. He didn’t think he would ever forget Frank and what he had done to himself and Sam. Nor would he forget how this woman had abandoned them, more willing to take Franks word over theirs when they had reported him. No, he was sure he would never forget but if this colony could take him away from this place and, for the moment this woman.
He nodded. “Sure Mom; sounds great.”
******
Kirk blinked. It took him a while to take in his surroundings/ The lights in his quarters were at seventy percent and blinded him for a moment before his eyes adjusted. He glanced around feeling somewhat disoriented. Most people raged or cried when grieving he tended to just relive things. It was annoying because of all the time it wasted but at least afterwards he could think clearly. Kirk rolled over in his bed and just then noticed Spock sitting at his desk watching him.
His First Officer must have been there for a while. The PADD Kirk was sure that he head just been reading was sitting on the desk, screen shining softly. As soon as Spock noticed his gaze, the half-vulcan stood and walked towards the replicator. A moment later he was sitting on a side of the bed a sandwich and a glass of water in his hands. Understanding the silent message, Kirk sat up enough to take the glass of water.
“How long?” Spock took back the almost empty glass and offered the sandwich. Kirk picked it up and took a bite. It tasted like ash.
“Six point seven two hours, Captian.” Kirk nodded before finishing off the rest of his sandwich under Spocks watchful gaze.
“Wake me in six hours if I don’t wake up myself.” Spock nodded and Kirk laid down on his side. “Or if we get another communication from Pike.”
“Understood.” For a long moment he just lay there taking comfort in the solid presence behind him.
“Spock. It hurts.” There was a moment of silence at his words. Spock’s hand was then at his face, fingertips sliding into their usual spots.
“Sleep Jim.” And he did.
******
Jim stared at the picture on the small living room table. It was his father, George Kirk, standing in his cadet red, with Starfleet Academy shining behind him. He was smiling with his hands on his hips. It was really amazing how alike they looked. When he was a kid he hadn’t understood what that had meant, but as he grew up he’d learned what the resemblance meant to his mother. Finally he understood why at times his mother’s eyes had filled up when she looked at him, why she didn’t say too much when he came home with a busted up face as evidence of a fight. He shook his head and adjusted the shoulder strap of his duffle bag. Well now he was going to be out of her hair for good.
“Jim?” He turned away from the front door. Winona was standing in the entryway between the living room and the kitchen. She was in her pyjamas and Jim cursed himself for waking her up. This would just make everything much harder. He saw he eyes flicker from his face to his duffle bag and back again. “Jim? Where are you going?”
He looked away forcing his hands not to tighten on the strap of the bag. “Out.”
“But I just got here. We were supposed to spend some time together.” He couldn’t help snorting.
“If you need to know, the Academy semester begins soon. I need to get going or I’ll miss the transport.” He didn’t look at her.
“Academy? You mean Starfleet Academy?” He felt the bitterness rise in his throat. He didn’t want to look at her then. He knew that if he did he would see that the pride that didn’t belong to him. “Jim that’s great. Do you know what track you want to be on? Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I have to get going.” In the corner of his eye he saw her nod and knew that she had to be smiling.
“Of course; comm me when your settled okay.” He didn’t bother to respond as he walked out.
*******
With a sigh Jim collapsed into his desk chair. When he had gone after Nero he had just been doing what he had to, what was right. He didn’t expect all this fanfare when he had returned. The last thing that he had expected was to be given Starfleet’s flag ship and be sent out on an exploratory voyage. Especially after the talking to he had received from the higher ups he had to wonder how much of their generosity was their own decision and how much of it came from public opinion. Well whatever the reason he was now a full-fledged captain sort of. Again, he sighed.
Five years was a long time.
He ran a hand through his hair just as his comm unit began to beep. The Enterprise had just left earth and his comm address wasn’t publicized. Frowning he wondered if the admirals wanted to chew him out some more. He sat up and straightened his gold shirt and, taking a deep breath. He reached out to connect the call.
“Hey there Jimmy.” He blinked owlishly.
“M-Mom.” She was the last thing he was expecting. “How- how’d?” She waved a hand.”
“Christopher Pike is an old family friend.” She pointed at an accusing finger at the screen. “You don’t think that my boy will save the world and I’ll have nothing to say about it.” He couldn’t help himself; he smiled at her words.
“I wouldn’t dare.” Light years away she smiled.
“I’m proud of you Jimmy.” The light hearted atmosphere faded as he realized who he was talking to. He looked away from the screen. This was the woman who looked at him and saw his father. He could never tell who she was talking to when she spoke like that. She noticed his change of expression. “Don’t be like that, Jim.” He glanced back at the screen and she nodded a soft smile on her face. He couldn’t recall ever seeing such a look on her face before. “Your father would be so proud of you.”
That was all it took. It felt like something inside of him snapped and he found himself gasping fighting not to let himself cry. He had never heard words like that from her. he wasn’t just a disappointing reflection of his father. He was his own unique person. It didn’t matter if the admirals thought he was a joke. Here he had the approval of his mother - and through her his father - that was all he needed. He would show them. He would show them all. He wasn’t sure if there was an afterlife, but if there was a place where his father could see him then he would make him proud.
“Oh Jimmy.” He rubbed the back of his sleeve against his eyes before looking up with a grin.
“There is a lot of emotion in the ship - with the crew experiencing the attack on Vulcan and all. It tends to get to me from time to time.” She nodded.
“So, the Enterprise. That’s some ship from what I hear.” Winona laced her fingers together.. “Tell me all about her.”
So that’s what Jim did. And for the first time in a very long time he spoke to Winona the way that it should have always been. The way it was supposed to be; a excited son to his proud mother.
******
“Jim.” Slowly Kirk began to wake taking in his surroundings. The excessive chattering’s of a brand new captain still ringing in his ears. He blinked a few times before his eyes focused. Spock was standing over him with a hand placed lightly on his shoulder. When he realised that Jim was coming to he removed his hand and straightened. Kirk couldn’t help it he grinned up at him.
“Not the prettiest face to wake up to but I’ll take it.” Spock just lifted a brow in response and Jim chuckled as he sat up. Spock waited till he had both feet over the side of the bed before speaking again.
“Captain, Admiral Pike has returned communication.” The humour drained out of Kirk. With a nod he stood up. Since he had not bothered to take off his shirt before his ‘little nap’ the gold material was crumpled. If it were any other admiral he would have been more concerned. Because this was Pike and because there were more important things to deal with, Kirk quickly sat down at his desk. He connected the held call and waited for the feed to correct itself.
“Admiral Pike.” There was a pause before Pike smiled at him.
“They found them, Kirk. They got her.” The tension in his body drained away and put his face in his hands with his elbows on his desk. It was like he was just breathing for the first time since he first got the news. He needed a few moments before he could look back up at Pike. The old admiral had warmth in his eyes that Kirk imagined that fathers would give their son’s. He never knew what to think in this situation but he didn’t dislike it.
“Thank you admiral. “ Pike nodded.
“You know what Kirk. I’m feeling so good right now I’m going to do you a favour.” He threaded his fingers together on his desk. “You had better appreciate this considering the fact that it’s at my expense.” Before Kirk had the chance to say anything, or ask what the hell the man was talking about, Pike disappeared to be replaced by a familiar blond. Light years away Winona Kirk took in her son’s face and laughed.
“Oh, close your mouth Jimmy. It’ll take more than space to off me.” He smiled at her. It was so good to see her. Even with all of their history; it was still so good to see her.
“Figures.” He crossed his arms and leaned back. “What’d you do nag at the threats till help came.” She laughed again.
“Oh come on I was never that bad.” He raised an eyebrow She sighed. “Hey, I kept people alive. I deserve some credit, even if my methods aren’t approved by all parties.”
He felt the press of Spock’s hand on his shoulder for a moment and when it left he knew that his first was gone. It was then that he realised what it was that he had almost lost. In an instant Spock had lost his mother. She had disappeared right before his eyes in the moment that he had thought he had saved her. The same thing could have happened to him. Kirk could have lost her and he would have been helpless to have done anything about it. Seeing her now, a flurry of people behind her and her sitting at the comm station looking as right as rain he decided that there was still a lot that needed that need to be said. There was still a lot that needed to be settled and, thankfully, there was still time.
“I-I’m glad you’re alright. Mom.” Her face broke out in a grin and he saw tears come to her eyes. Kirk made a note to call her that more often.
“So am I Jimmy.” He smiled at her, at Winona Kirk, at his mother.
“So are you going to tell me about it or just leave me here in suspense?” That turned out to be the longest sentence he got to say for some time.
END