(no subject)
i don't think anyone reads this anymore. i think it's just as well.
a friend's insight on antidepressants is that it changes you. that it makes you less of who you really are supposed to be. even before they said that, i did agree. but thinking about things, i've come to a different potential perspective.
maybe things work on a sliding scale. the left side of the line represents reality. the right side of the line represents .. an ideal reality? where no one hurts and there is no trouble. the people that dwell on the right side of the spectrum aren't concerned about things, they glide through life with no problems, doing what they're supposed to be doing and doing it well. they don't abuse substances and they don't have any reason to, because everything is perfect. their "problems" are superficial - though not to them. maybe if they're far enough to the right, they don't even have problems. an absolute left (and please, though there are glaring political references here, they are not intentional) is absolutely impossible to maintain without going completely mad. the leftists (pun moderately intended, but again, this is not political commentary) are the ones who are so in touch with the true reality of the world that they go insane. they end up dying early. picasso went mad. kurt cobain. hemmingway. plath. the list goes on. you can't exist in a true reality because it will kill you. too much genius, too much subjection to reality will lead to death. medication exists to prevent people who are wandering too close to the edge from dying. i don't at all dispute the fact that antidepressants are fiercely overprescribed, and for some people, completely unnecessary. reading a book, or hearing a song that makes you cry, or hurt, is an experience in the left spectrum. that experience is an exercise in madness, but ultimate truth. i always worried that taking medication will take away that sensation, because sometimes it's the only thing that reassures me that i'm a real person with real feelings. i don't want to feel numb to lyrics or written words that compel me to scream, or cry. but that's really not what it's all about. it's about making sure that i don't go too far in the direction that will ultimately kill me.
i have a lot to learn about considering other people. i have a lot to learn about how to function with the decisions i've made, and my responsibilities. i fancy myself a relatively sensitive person, but i'm still extremely narcissistic and have little to no empathy. does this fit into my proposed spectrum, or is this completely independent? is what kurt cobain wrote about all fake, and he was just as self-obsessed as i am? or is all of this total bullshit anyway, spawned by too many drinks and a good book?
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i never want to lose touch. i want to do right, and be successful, but above all, i never, ever want to lose touch. even if it drives me insane.
a friend's insight on antidepressants is that it changes you. that it makes you less of who you really are supposed to be. even before they said that, i did agree. but thinking about things, i've come to a different potential perspective.
maybe things work on a sliding scale. the left side of the line represents reality. the right side of the line represents .. an ideal reality? where no one hurts and there is no trouble. the people that dwell on the right side of the spectrum aren't concerned about things, they glide through life with no problems, doing what they're supposed to be doing and doing it well. they don't abuse substances and they don't have any reason to, because everything is perfect. their "problems" are superficial - though not to them. maybe if they're far enough to the right, they don't even have problems. an absolute left (and please, though there are glaring political references here, they are not intentional) is absolutely impossible to maintain without going completely mad. the leftists (pun moderately intended, but again, this is not political commentary) are the ones who are so in touch with the true reality of the world that they go insane. they end up dying early. picasso went mad. kurt cobain. hemmingway. plath. the list goes on. you can't exist in a true reality because it will kill you. too much genius, too much subjection to reality will lead to death. medication exists to prevent people who are wandering too close to the edge from dying. i don't at all dispute the fact that antidepressants are fiercely overprescribed, and for some people, completely unnecessary. reading a book, or hearing a song that makes you cry, or hurt, is an experience in the left spectrum. that experience is an exercise in madness, but ultimate truth. i always worried that taking medication will take away that sensation, because sometimes it's the only thing that reassures me that i'm a real person with real feelings. i don't want to feel numb to lyrics or written words that compel me to scream, or cry. but that's really not what it's all about. it's about making sure that i don't go too far in the direction that will ultimately kill me.
i have a lot to learn about considering other people. i have a lot to learn about how to function with the decisions i've made, and my responsibilities. i fancy myself a relatively sensitive person, but i'm still extremely narcissistic and have little to no empathy. does this fit into my proposed spectrum, or is this completely independent? is what kurt cobain wrote about all fake, and he was just as self-obsessed as i am? or is all of this total bullshit anyway, spawned by too many drinks and a good book?
---
i never want to lose touch. i want to do right, and be successful, but above all, i never, ever want to lose touch. even if it drives me insane.