HAWAII: minus the beautiful and boring
Hey, TylerMuscles here. I don't usually update, but I figured now might be a dandy time to get everyone involved and maybe entertain you a little.
Now, there are THREE (3) reasons why you should READ and COMMENT on this entry:
1. The first person to figure out what the word in the "music" section means or is gets $2 from me. (Hint: it has nothing to do with music)
2. Like the title suggests, I've left out all of the beautiful sights I've seen in my Hawaii vacation and left out all the boring stuff like most people leave in their journal after a vacation (cough Joel cough), and only left a few stories that I thought were amusing. Now the catch is that like that crappy show, "Fact or Fiction," one of the stories is completely FICTIONAL. The first person to guess correctly which one is fictional gets this: next time we're at a restaurant together, you pick something and I'll buy it for you. done.
3. Misc. comments, anecdotes, greammar or spelling problems, criticisms, compliments, questions, etc.
NOW, HAWAII:
1. "I'll Kill You If You Don't Save Our Fucking Reefs" - 7/16/04
So, my first time going out to snorkle, it just happens to be the most commercialized snorkeling place there can be. You have to pay admission, you have to wait in lines, and worst of all, you have to watch a damn video.
So after waiting an hour in the heat to get into a giant fake rock with a sliding door and a punch mark where someone punched the rock in order to show the styrofoam below, the group of fifty piled in like cattle into our "Movie Cave."
Now, like any other Cave, there was a movie screen. Now you would expect your standard seating arrangement with theater seats, maybe even folding chairs at the least, but instead we are greeted with metal poles with the material you napped on in preschool covering it as a cushion.
Now we all sat atop the poles, and one seven year old actually slid off the pole backwards and hit his head, and a security guard escorted him out. In arrived "Rob," an overweight sack of potatoes with gray hair and bulging eyes. Dan looked at us like he had never seen people before as he waddled into the Movie Cave.
ROB (swaying back and forth): Uh..hey you guys. Are you ready to snorkle?!
(no response)
ROB: Yeah, well, ok. Now you need to be aware of the following saftey features and then... uh, hold on.
(Rob waddles off unexpectedly to another rock sliding door and proceeds to go to the bathroom. He comes out with his fly undone and proceeds to speak fluently in Japanese as half the audience goes "ooooh.")
Rob finishes up and just grunts and points at the screen as the short film starts.
The film consists of Disney tunes like "Under the Sea," which would be sort of fitting, except they changed the words and had someone sounding like Sinead O'Connor singing "look but don't touch" and "save our reefs" put in.
We walk down to the beach and a sickly Rob look-alike was shouting vehemently, "Save the fucking reefs! I'll kill you if you don't save the fucking reefs!"
2. Giggles Galore - 7/20/04
So the four of us in my family were walking along the beach in Waikiki, where it is swarming with beautiful women. On this selective day, there happened to be a huge amount of them across the street from where we were walking. Like any male disgusting pig, it was hard to keep me eyes front-center on such a- beautiful day.
As my eyes were looking around at such a- beautiful day it was, I happened to catch a group of about four teenage girls looking at our group giggling. Being the macho man I am on the street, I gave them the eye and they giggled even more.
Soon, they were crossing the street to our side and they came right up to us.
JESSICA (giggling violently like she was going to rip out her hair and smear her eyeshadow): Say, what's your name?
ME (pumpin' in up): Tyler, and you?
JESSICA (pissed): No, no, that guy with you.
(Jessica points to my brother Chase)
(Chase smiles awkwardly, shocked, and pushes up his glasses on his nose)
3. Salmon - 7/22/04
I was snorkeling in another place, and it was quite sunny, so you could see a lot of the tropical, colorful fish.
Then there was some cloud cover and it got really dark. The fish were poking there heads out at me and it got completely silent, so it was a little bit scary, actually.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant pink 6 foot long fish came above me and bumped its giant breasts on my face.
Well, it just turned out to be a really fat lady wearing a pink one-piece who was half-blind with saggy breasts.
Her skinny, gray haired husband with her began to laugh hysterically in a whiny, drawn-out lemon meringue sort of laugh. Of course, you can't see anybody's faces through their masks, so all I could see was his breathin' tube with custard laughs coming out of it.
The beast soon started laughing, too, which, disgustingly enough, turned into ripping-off-their-breathing-tubes and turned into a snorkel makeout session.
How, I do not know.
4. The Shirley Walker Band - 7/23/04
My family and I were getting pretty damn tired of walking one night, so we had to stop at a bar for dinner. You would NOT have thought it was Honolulu, and more thought it was Louisiana. There were tons of rednecks and humidity. Yee-haw!
Then the gloriousness that is the one and only "Shirley Walker Band" showed up to play their set. This is their set up:
SCRAGGLY EIGHTY YEAR OLD GUY: bass guitar.
FAT, WILL SASSO-LOOKING GUY, HUSBAND OF SHIRLEY: keyboard.
SHIRLEY HERSELF: vocals, and boy can she s-i-n-g.
Drums? We don't need no stinkin' drums!
Shirley "Calves" Walker herself is a 40-ish year old woman and she's feminine enough for the guys, but manly enough to take a rifle to the airport. She weighs in wrestler-style at 300 pounds, but that doesn't stop her from kickin' her legs into the amplifiers at the end of the show. Her hair is cinnamon-style piled on top of her head, but also flowing gently behind her revealing blouse. A nerd of a man tried to come up and touch Shirley herself, but was gracefully pushed away on the face by Shirley herself.
The trio starts out with a powerful and moving version of Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" as half the audience jumps onto the dance floor.
At the end of the night, as everyone was getting ready to turn in, the Shirley Walker Band jumps in with none other than "La Bamba." Unfortunately, Shirley herself had been up doing lines the last night and slept through Spanish class. So her rendition of the ca-razy words were:
"Para bai-car...a cha-zhumba, soy noycenamba por taro de maddey.... ba!"
I think I'm in love.
5. Father and Son and Occupant - 7/25/04
I can't tell this story without it being a bit disgusting.
So I had to "drop the kids off at the pool" one day.....screw it. I had to poop one day on the beach, and anyone who has had the same experience knows how absolutely disgusting all beach bathrooms are.
This particular bathroom had only one stall and one sink in it, and luckily no one was in there when I arrived.
But shortly thereafter, a father and son team arrived to wait for the bathroom.
Remember when you were about four and your parents had to take you into the bathroom? Yeah, that sucked.
Well, anyway, a four year old came in with his Dad and they waited for me the finish. Four year olds have no censorship in what they say, so you expect them to say shit they're not supposed to say. We'll call the kid "Daniel" and the dad "James."
JAMES (sitting down on the sink): Well Daniel, we're just going to have to wait this one out.
DANIEL: For how long?
JAMES: I don't know son, but we'll just have to wait.
(two minutes pass)
DANIEL (shouting): When's the fat smelly man in there gonna be done, Daddy?
JAMES: I don't know if he's fat, Daniel, now just sit quiet.
(a minute passes)
DANIEL (in a small voice, like someone punched him in his tiny stomach): I have to let out a poopy, Daddy.
JAMES (sighing): Well, once the fat smelly man gets out, you can let it out.
(Daniel, to provide some comic relief from his horrible situation, provides a fart noise from his mouth and bursts out laughing)
(James can't help but join in and begins to laugh)
(Daniel sees that his is, in fact, a comedian, and provides a luscious callback to his origional fart noise.)
(James is now laughing so hard that he begins to make the fart noises himself)
(Daniel and James now begin to make a symphony of fart noises, working together as a team to act like four year olds, and just at the height of their loudest fart noise...)
ME (bursting out the stall door, pulling up my swimsuit): Seriously guys, I made a really big poopy in there, so you might have to plug your nosies.
James and Daniel stared at me blankly and after a pause, I marched away into the sunset.
WELL, that's the end of my stories.
Don't forget to guess which one is FICTIONAL and also what "Humuhumunukunuku'apua'a" means or is!!!
Now, there are THREE (3) reasons why you should READ and COMMENT on this entry:
1. The first person to figure out what the word in the "music" section means or is gets $2 from me. (Hint: it has nothing to do with music)
2. Like the title suggests, I've left out all of the beautiful sights I've seen in my Hawaii vacation and left out all the boring stuff like most people leave in their journal after a vacation (cough Joel cough), and only left a few stories that I thought were amusing. Now the catch is that like that crappy show, "Fact or Fiction," one of the stories is completely FICTIONAL. The first person to guess correctly which one is fictional gets this: next time we're at a restaurant together, you pick something and I'll buy it for you. done.
3. Misc. comments, anecdotes, greammar or spelling problems, criticisms, compliments, questions, etc.
NOW, HAWAII:
1. "I'll Kill You If You Don't Save Our Fucking Reefs" - 7/16/04
So, my first time going out to snorkle, it just happens to be the most commercialized snorkeling place there can be. You have to pay admission, you have to wait in lines, and worst of all, you have to watch a damn video.
So after waiting an hour in the heat to get into a giant fake rock with a sliding door and a punch mark where someone punched the rock in order to show the styrofoam below, the group of fifty piled in like cattle into our "Movie Cave."
Now, like any other Cave, there was a movie screen. Now you would expect your standard seating arrangement with theater seats, maybe even folding chairs at the least, but instead we are greeted with metal poles with the material you napped on in preschool covering it as a cushion.
Now we all sat atop the poles, and one seven year old actually slid off the pole backwards and hit his head, and a security guard escorted him out. In arrived "Rob," an overweight sack of potatoes with gray hair and bulging eyes. Dan looked at us like he had never seen people before as he waddled into the Movie Cave.
ROB (swaying back and forth): Uh..hey you guys. Are you ready to snorkle?!
(no response)
ROB: Yeah, well, ok. Now you need to be aware of the following saftey features and then... uh, hold on.
(Rob waddles off unexpectedly to another rock sliding door and proceeds to go to the bathroom. He comes out with his fly undone and proceeds to speak fluently in Japanese as half the audience goes "ooooh.")
Rob finishes up and just grunts and points at the screen as the short film starts.
The film consists of Disney tunes like "Under the Sea," which would be sort of fitting, except they changed the words and had someone sounding like Sinead O'Connor singing "look but don't touch" and "save our reefs" put in.
We walk down to the beach and a sickly Rob look-alike was shouting vehemently, "Save the fucking reefs! I'll kill you if you don't save the fucking reefs!"
2. Giggles Galore - 7/20/04
So the four of us in my family were walking along the beach in Waikiki, where it is swarming with beautiful women. On this selective day, there happened to be a huge amount of them across the street from where we were walking. Like any male disgusting pig, it was hard to keep me eyes front-center on such a- beautiful day.
As my eyes were looking around at such a- beautiful day it was, I happened to catch a group of about four teenage girls looking at our group giggling. Being the macho man I am on the street, I gave them the eye and they giggled even more.
Soon, they were crossing the street to our side and they came right up to us.
JESSICA (giggling violently like she was going to rip out her hair and smear her eyeshadow): Say, what's your name?
ME (pumpin' in up): Tyler, and you?
JESSICA (pissed): No, no, that guy with you.
(Jessica points to my brother Chase)
(Chase smiles awkwardly, shocked, and pushes up his glasses on his nose)
3. Salmon - 7/22/04
I was snorkeling in another place, and it was quite sunny, so you could see a lot of the tropical, colorful fish.
Then there was some cloud cover and it got really dark. The fish were poking there heads out at me and it got completely silent, so it was a little bit scary, actually.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant pink 6 foot long fish came above me and bumped its giant breasts on my face.
Well, it just turned out to be a really fat lady wearing a pink one-piece who was half-blind with saggy breasts.
Her skinny, gray haired husband with her began to laugh hysterically in a whiny, drawn-out lemon meringue sort of laugh. Of course, you can't see anybody's faces through their masks, so all I could see was his breathin' tube with custard laughs coming out of it.
The beast soon started laughing, too, which, disgustingly enough, turned into ripping-off-their-breathing-tubes and turned into a snorkel makeout session.
How, I do not know.
4. The Shirley Walker Band - 7/23/04
My family and I were getting pretty damn tired of walking one night, so we had to stop at a bar for dinner. You would NOT have thought it was Honolulu, and more thought it was Louisiana. There were tons of rednecks and humidity. Yee-haw!
Then the gloriousness that is the one and only "Shirley Walker Band" showed up to play their set. This is their set up:
SCRAGGLY EIGHTY YEAR OLD GUY: bass guitar.
FAT, WILL SASSO-LOOKING GUY, HUSBAND OF SHIRLEY: keyboard.
SHIRLEY HERSELF: vocals, and boy can she s-i-n-g.
Drums? We don't need no stinkin' drums!
Shirley "Calves" Walker herself is a 40-ish year old woman and she's feminine enough for the guys, but manly enough to take a rifle to the airport. She weighs in wrestler-style at 300 pounds, but that doesn't stop her from kickin' her legs into the amplifiers at the end of the show. Her hair is cinnamon-style piled on top of her head, but also flowing gently behind her revealing blouse. A nerd of a man tried to come up and touch Shirley herself, but was gracefully pushed away on the face by Shirley herself.
The trio starts out with a powerful and moving version of Billy Ray Cyrus' "Achy Breaky Heart" as half the audience jumps onto the dance floor.
At the end of the night, as everyone was getting ready to turn in, the Shirley Walker Band jumps in with none other than "La Bamba." Unfortunately, Shirley herself had been up doing lines the last night and slept through Spanish class. So her rendition of the ca-razy words were:
"Para bai-car...a cha-zhumba, soy noycenamba por taro de maddey.... ba!"
I think I'm in love.
5. Father and Son and Occupant - 7/25/04
I can't tell this story without it being a bit disgusting.
So I had to "drop the kids off at the pool" one day.....screw it. I had to poop one day on the beach, and anyone who has had the same experience knows how absolutely disgusting all beach bathrooms are.
This particular bathroom had only one stall and one sink in it, and luckily no one was in there when I arrived.
But shortly thereafter, a father and son team arrived to wait for the bathroom.
Remember when you were about four and your parents had to take you into the bathroom? Yeah, that sucked.
Well, anyway, a four year old came in with his Dad and they waited for me the finish. Four year olds have no censorship in what they say, so you expect them to say shit they're not supposed to say. We'll call the kid "Daniel" and the dad "James."
JAMES (sitting down on the sink): Well Daniel, we're just going to have to wait this one out.
DANIEL: For how long?
JAMES: I don't know son, but we'll just have to wait.
(two minutes pass)
DANIEL (shouting): When's the fat smelly man in there gonna be done, Daddy?
JAMES: I don't know if he's fat, Daniel, now just sit quiet.
(a minute passes)
DANIEL (in a small voice, like someone punched him in his tiny stomach): I have to let out a poopy, Daddy.
JAMES (sighing): Well, once the fat smelly man gets out, you can let it out.
(Daniel, to provide some comic relief from his horrible situation, provides a fart noise from his mouth and bursts out laughing)
(James can't help but join in and begins to laugh)
(Daniel sees that his is, in fact, a comedian, and provides a luscious callback to his origional fart noise.)
(James is now laughing so hard that he begins to make the fart noises himself)
(Daniel and James now begin to make a symphony of fart noises, working together as a team to act like four year olds, and just at the height of their loudest fart noise...)
ME (bursting out the stall door, pulling up my swimsuit): Seriously guys, I made a really big poopy in there, so you might have to plug your nosies.
James and Daniel stared at me blankly and after a pause, I marched away into the sunset.
WELL, that's the end of my stories.
Don't forget to guess which one is FICTIONAL and also what "Humuhumunukunuku'apua'a" means or is!!!