Ah yes, I'm home.
I'm spending some time up in my old bedroom. I can hear and see the cars driving by on Clarke Road. I'm not used to so much traffic. It doesn't ever seem like there is a lull, whether it be the middle of the day or at 2am.
My mom spent her 'mom' hours today watching the soaps she didn't get to watch yesterday. One Life to Live and General Hospital. She's been watching ABC soaps since I was a little girl. Some things never change.
I can smell the food we're cooking for supper... fresh yellow beans and barbequed beef tenderloin and microwaved baked potatoes. Mom & dad don't cook much anymore with it just being the two of them, so the last couple of days have been like I was in KS - eating at Wendy's and A&W. I miss the 'sit around the table' meals we always had when I was growing up. I miss 'dinnertime'.
The stereo is on now, because she's outside reading. Her flower garden is in full bloom like always. She has the garden knicknacks on the fence, and the shed, and the tables. Even though this yard is less than 1/4 the size of the one she tended while we were kids, she's still made it 'hers'. Springtime means a trip to the VanLuyks greenhouse to check out all the plants. Last year I was here to help her pick them out. It was partially 'my garden' too. I felt like even after I left, there was part of me here.
The stereo is playing what it usually plays. Kenny Rogers. Nate thinks I'm crazy because the Christmas music I downloaded is the same as what we listen to here. It's what is Christmas to me. Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Bing Crosby... it starts in early December and doesn't quit playing til the day before New Years Eve, because that's when all the 'extended Christmas' family days are done. Funny, that; I'm thinking about Christmas in August.
Even thinking about leaving on Monday makes my heart all aflutter and butterflies play in my throat. I just got here. It can't be time to leave already. I made note that this time, the dog didn't take 5 days to come to me to be petted, and my cat has cuddled with me already. Of course, it hasn't been 5 years since I was last here, either.
I'm home. I'm with my family. I saw my little brother and his new wife yesterday. I saw one of my older sisters today. I hope I will see my cousin before I go, but she's not feeling well. My mom told the person who was my best friend before I moved that I was home. She's pissed off at me for losing contact, I guess, and told my mom "That's nice. Have her call me." I don't know if I'm going to or not. The last time I was home, she was so focused on her 'new life' that I didn't feel like I fit in at all.
I miss Nate, and Wrinkles, and Tinkerbell. I miss 'my' house, with its crumbling plaster and the lack of hot water and the mosquitos, and the heat. I've thought of so many things that I wanted to tell Nate, but he's not here and I can't afford the long distance.
I feel like there are two warrior parts of my heart inside... one fighting for everything here, and one fighting for everything in Kansas. Neither one of them can win. But damn, are they trying hard. It makes me feel guilty for enjoying myself here, and guilty for missing there. I spend so much of my time in KS convincing myself that I am miserable. And then, I miss it so incredibly much when I am away.
I'm home. And I'm conflicted.
My mom spent her 'mom' hours today watching the soaps she didn't get to watch yesterday. One Life to Live and General Hospital. She's been watching ABC soaps since I was a little girl. Some things never change.
I can smell the food we're cooking for supper... fresh yellow beans and barbequed beef tenderloin and microwaved baked potatoes. Mom & dad don't cook much anymore with it just being the two of them, so the last couple of days have been like I was in KS - eating at Wendy's and A&W. I miss the 'sit around the table' meals we always had when I was growing up. I miss 'dinnertime'.
The stereo is on now, because she's outside reading. Her flower garden is in full bloom like always. She has the garden knicknacks on the fence, and the shed, and the tables. Even though this yard is less than 1/4 the size of the one she tended while we were kids, she's still made it 'hers'. Springtime means a trip to the VanLuyks greenhouse to check out all the plants. Last year I was here to help her pick them out. It was partially 'my garden' too. I felt like even after I left, there was part of me here.
The stereo is playing what it usually plays. Kenny Rogers. Nate thinks I'm crazy because the Christmas music I downloaded is the same as what we listen to here. It's what is Christmas to me. Kenny Rogers & Dolly Parton, Bing Crosby... it starts in early December and doesn't quit playing til the day before New Years Eve, because that's when all the 'extended Christmas' family days are done. Funny, that; I'm thinking about Christmas in August.
Even thinking about leaving on Monday makes my heart all aflutter and butterflies play in my throat. I just got here. It can't be time to leave already. I made note that this time, the dog didn't take 5 days to come to me to be petted, and my cat has cuddled with me already. Of course, it hasn't been 5 years since I was last here, either.
I'm home. I'm with my family. I saw my little brother and his new wife yesterday. I saw one of my older sisters today. I hope I will see my cousin before I go, but she's not feeling well. My mom told the person who was my best friend before I moved that I was home. She's pissed off at me for losing contact, I guess, and told my mom "That's nice. Have her call me." I don't know if I'm going to or not. The last time I was home, she was so focused on her 'new life' that I didn't feel like I fit in at all.
I miss Nate, and Wrinkles, and Tinkerbell. I miss 'my' house, with its crumbling plaster and the lack of hot water and the mosquitos, and the heat. I've thought of so many things that I wanted to tell Nate, but he's not here and I can't afford the long distance.
I feel like there are two warrior parts of my heart inside... one fighting for everything here, and one fighting for everything in Kansas. Neither one of them can win. But damn, are they trying hard. It makes me feel guilty for enjoying myself here, and guilty for missing there. I spend so much of my time in KS convincing myself that I am miserable. And then, I miss it so incredibly much when I am away.
I'm home. And I'm conflicted.