Wolf - My first love - Visits Me
Not too long after that I got a text from a number I didn't recognize. It said, "My cousin says you wanted to talk to me."
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There was only one person that could be from. September 10th I had written to Wolf's cousin on facebook:
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"Heyhey. I hate to make you feel like I'm just contacting you as a way of reaching Wolf, because you're a full, embodied member of humanity that deserves respect and honor in your own right. But to be forward, I have no way to reach him besides through you. So, if you are willing, I would love for you to plant the idea in his head that he should come visit me. I have limited dates that I'm in Snowland. Here is my number. My texts are unlimited. I have some new revelations about myself and my past and what Wolf and I shared in the two years we were together that I strongly want to share with him. I'm at your mercy to make that happen. Much love to you and yours. ~ Nuria"
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He replied simply, "I'll let him know."
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I responded to Wolf's text, "Heyhey! Yes, I would love that. I'm having a very trans-formative experience in life & much from my past is making more sense. I wanted to share some of my revelations with you, perhaps even show you some of what we wrote about each other over ten years ago now. It's wild how those events still have impacts now."
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Wolf replied, "That's one thing I always admired about you. You can write. You give enough info, not only satisfy curiosity but to inspire it as well . . . Are you home?"
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I replied, "Yes. I am home. You're welcome to drop by. There is something very magical about your choice of timing that I feel in my heart as a warmth and subtle certainty."
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Ten minutes later he was at my apartment door. My mother had escorted him in. I hugged him.
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I gestured to the edge of my bed and he sat. I felt close to him immediately even though I hadn't seen him since a brief visit in 2013 before I went off to the island for four and a half months. Prior to that I hadn't seen him since before I'd moved to Sunnyland in early 2010 to be with Paladin.
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And here he was, and I felt as if there was hardly any barrier between us at all. I felt at ease in a way I hadn't felt with my own friends - Thistledown, Ficus, Knotweed and Knotweed's boyfriend - the night before. Wolf, on the other hand, was clearly a little nervous. He avoided eye contact with me.
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"Just last week I went through writings I had written about you. I was struck by how I described love as awe of all the little things about you. I still perceive my emotions the same way. And yet, I'd lost touch with various parts of it. I've lost touch with how I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. In some ways, I was more self-aware then. Yet somewhere along the way, perhaps mostly while I was with Dragon, I repressed so much of it."
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"This was on September 9th you said?"
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"Yes," I said, referring to when I'd written the journal entry about it.
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"That was the same day I learned that I am going to be a father," he said. Even though he wasn't looking at me, I could see the fear in his eyes. I wasn't surprised when he added, "I'm afraid." I let the moment stretch, and he added, "I don't know that I've ever been afraid before in my life."
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I could remember many times that I had seen him afraid, but he was quick to cover it with anger. "Perhaps you couldn't allow yourself to be afraid," I said. "Perhaps it was always more important to show a strong face."
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He nodded almost imperceptibly.
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"If I still had a copy of The Continuum Concept, I'd give it to you," I said. I told him about what the book was about and how the Yequana people in South America raise their children. I told him about my experience with Lilac's son and my realization that her son was a "poltergeist" and realizing later that all children are - they are outlets for the feelings their parents don't allow themselves to feel.
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"That can't always be the case," he said. "My father wasn't around, and my mother was always at work. My older brother was rarely home either. I was left at home with my little sister. I had to act as a parent when I didn't even have an example to follow."
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I nodded. I remembered him telling me these things before. Eleven years ago there had been nobody I knew as well as I knew Wolf. I thanked him for that.
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"You were the first person who showed me their pain," I told him. "Everyone else was not as real to me as you were. You let me witness your inner turmoil, and that was priceless to me. It made me feel less alone as nothing ever had. I realize now that my parents have been so emotionally shut down that I couldn't connect with them on an emotional level."
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We got to talking about doing what we want to do versus doing what we're expected to do. Wolf said, "We are not living as humans. We're living as expectations of humans."
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"And that is exactly what I'm trying to break out of," I said.
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I also told him how much I appreciated and enjoyed the sadomasochistic games we used to play. "When I think what I might have done differently during those years had I been in a male body, I feel ashamed," I said.
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"I still feel shame," he said.
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I wasn't sure if he had a specific event in mind, but I knew I didn't hold anything he'd done against me. After two and a half hours he went on his way. I reflected on the conversation to Paladin, "I feel really happy." I was dancing around the kitchen and making a salad. "Happier than I've felt since we got back to Snowland. It's like I achieved some sort of . . ." I trailed off as I sliced some soft spots off an apple into the compost bucket. "Integration," I said.
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"That's good," Paladin said. He was sitting on top of the cooler. He looked like he was deep in his own thoughts about something.
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"I wonder if integration is what closure is," I said.
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"That would make sense," Paladin said.
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After I finished eating my salad I texted Wolf, "If you still hold any past regrets for things you said or did toward me, know that I forgive you for all of it. What we shared and the memories I carry are precious to me, and I love how you helped me to see myself, to see the world, to see you; the real you. I loved your darkest parts; still do."
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I also noticed Hibiscus had texted me while Wolf was there: "Things suddenly turned interesting here as my boss started taking about the thin veneer of the technology that holds our society together. Talk by Amazon representative that kind of freaked me out. Wow, I hadn't realized how dependent I've become on hearing from you during the day. I feel like I'm in some kind of funk at the moment and I can't quite explain why, but I do notice that I keep looking at my phone and hoping there will be a word or two to brighten my day. Sigh. (Should I pretend I wasn't about to apologize for that admission?)"
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I smiled. I loved hearing these things from him. It let me know that the depth of my attachment, desire and care for him were not unfounded at all. I texted him back letting him know the unusual circumstances of having Wolf drop by.
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"I'm an energy vortex right now," I said to Paladin, regarding Wolf's visit, the things that had happened with my parents, the incredible ecstatic dance experience with Dancing Chef, and even the text from White Whale asking for me to take on an important project that month. It felt like the powerful surges of emotion I was putting out the universe were pulling to me all the events, people, thoughts and experiences I needed to leverage myself into alignment with all of my deepest desires.
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Next Entry: On Thursday I recieved a sign in the form of millipedes; Friday & Saturday at the Board Game Convention